4th year bliss

All throughout my medical school career, I've been told of the wonders of fourth year. As a nervous, budding first year student being taught clinical skills by the fourth year medical students, I remember noticing how happy they all looked. I remember as I was preparing for my "head to toe" exam where we have to perform all the physical exam skills within a certain time  limit, that one fourth year student in December, threw his arm out. By playing the Wii. I figured that there must be that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, that the stresses and fears of incompetency lessened by the end of medical school. I wasn't quite naive enough to believe fourth year was all magic and ponies and rainbows, but I was almost to that point.

As my bf has pointed out, fourth year is practically half gone already. And is it all magical rainbow ponies? Not quite. But I can honestly say the majority of the stress is over. I've successfully passed the remaining licensing exams I had to complete this year before December, and actually did well. I have no more exams left in medical school period. Applications for residency have been sent in, and now the stress that remains is not blowing the interviews. But even that isn't as stressful this go around. Don't get me wrong, an interview is an interview, and for me, it is incredibly anxiety-inducing, probably more so than for the average person. I know it's supposed to be easy, it's talking about yourself!- but I fear that as an introverted person whose ideal weekend is curled up in bed with a cup of green tea reading- doesn't offer enough uniqueness and vibrancy to a program. A fear that I know is semi-unwarranted, but sometimes it can be difficult squashing these worries.

But I will say, at least over the past few weeks after my sub-internship- an incredibly intense rotation and applications have been sent in, I gradually feel like I'm getting my life back. A two day weekend?! Almost unheard of for so long. Free time? Getting home at 4 and not having to crack open a book and do practice questions? Say it isn't so! It's given me a new chance to try a few new hobbies- painting and trying my hand at felting some small fuzzy little creatures. And if you told me 6 months ago, or heck, even 1 month ago, that I would be spending this past Saturday night playing League of Legends, I would have scoffed and rolled some eyeballs. And yet, I find myself immersed in a computer game that may very well explode my poor laptop, as I don't think the poor thing can handle it.

So although nerves from upcoming interviews that happened to crop up much faster than anticipated, I am pretty happy to say that the fourth year bliss is at least mostly true. And although I haven't quite gotten to the end, I can at least say I'm finally, truly enjoying the ride.

Thanks for having my back

Being at home studying my life away has been both relaxing and stressful. Relaxing in the sense that it's really nice to be back with my family, but stressful in the sense that I'm spending the vast majority of my time studying for yet another exam.
And after my last post, written out of frustration and anger, I really want this blog on the whole to have a more positive light. Of course, venting has usually helped me release my feelings, especially since my feelings cannot be expressed to this particular person yet, being that we are in different states (and also because although on the whole I am over the whole situation, thinking about her antics makes me irritated all over again and so approaching her would probably just end up with the two of us yelling, which is not productive). But going through that a couple of weeks ago really made me appreciate my true friends and family even more, and for that I am grateful.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my friend and he was telling me about a situation where a guy was walking his friend (who was a girl) to her car, or perhaps to her house, I'm not sure. 9 times out of 10, nothing happens. But this time, they were mugged, and instead of the guy standing up for and helping the girl, he ran and left the girl at the hands of the mugger. It reminded me of a similar situation I saw watching Grey's Anatomy way back when (yes, I admit I did see a couple of seasons) an engaged couple witnessed a shooting and the guy of the couple used his fiancee as a shield. Twice. Which I think led to the breakdown of that fictional relationship. But in talking to my friend about this real life situation, I was shocked, but not all that surprised. It's easy to say one will do the "right" thing and not abandon someone in a time of need especially if you've given your word to escort someone safely. But when there is a true threat, people tend to panic and then those words can go out the window. It led our conversation to a further discussion of the prisoner's dilemma and what we would do in situations like that. And I realized that I'm blessed to say that not only do I have many good friends, but I have friends that I feel comfortable saying I trust that they would have my back in these situations, that certain friend being one of them. But it's not just my friends, it's my family too. 

I know that no matter what, my parents and sister have my back. I'd like to think that they raised me to be polite and (somewhat) independent. My parents have been so supportive of me and my endeavors, even if their help (my dad telling me to "go study" and "study hard" any time I'm taking a little break) is a little annoying at times, it's warranted (hence my current slacking, and unfortunately frequent afternoon cat naps) and appreciated. My whole family is also taking off the two days after I take my board exam as well so we can have some quality family time before I go back to Chicago for another round of rotations before coming back in September. It makes me feel almost guilty, that they give me so much without asking for anything in return. I can focus most of my time studying and not have to worry about cooking meals. I've tried to keep up with cleaning dishes post dinner, but my sister and mom have definitely picked up my slack when I miss without complaints. My dad and sister have even volunteered to drive me to and from my exam when I said that last year I was so exhausted after my first licensing exam that it took me a while to get the energy to drive home. I only hope that once I'm done this exam and also finally start earning an income I can show them my appreciation for all they've done for me, friends included. I'm looking forward to having a pseudo-life again very soon.

Ranting on Ridiculous Ultimatums

For the third time in as many months, I have had someone try to screw me over, twice by one person. I'm not really sure what it is about me that attracts these kind of people. Maybe I look like a pushover or too timid, I don't really know but it's infuriating. In all situations, an agreement was reached between all parties. Then the person decided that she changed her mind and really doesn't want to do what was agreed upon. She then comes up with what she deems "fair" without consulting anyone else, and then basically hands it down as an ultimatum to me. No compromising, no negotiations, her way or else. I'm not sure how these people learned how to solve conflicts, but especially if you are the one who is backing out on your word, you better be prepared to offer something in return. If you are the one going against an agreement, shouldn't you be the one to compromise a little more than the other party? At least that seems like it makes sense to me, but I guess not to other people.

I guess this might be a case of "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" because this is the second time on of these girls has pulled this kind of ridiculous bullshit on me. But I considered her a friend, and since things ended up working out really well for all parties involved, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and drop the issue. But this time it has happened again, and in a more serious manner. And the easy solution would be to explain how this was not ok and why I am so angry about how she handled the argument, but the problem is that we will have to see each other often and there's really no getting around that. But it's hard not to be disgusted with the selfish, childish behavior that is becoming repetitive nature to her.

So needless to say I guess I'm just hot and bothered and ranting to no one, but dealing with people who think it's ok to treat others this way is mind boggling. I never knew that to some, the idea of negotiation and compromise meant one person opens with what their "bottom line" is and that they will not move away from it, and expect everyone else to just succumb to these demands. My only hope is that after a month of cooling off for everyone after this last incident, we can at the very least start to maintain some civility, because I think friendship at this point may be out the window. Getting stomped all over is not part of my game plan for this year, and whether I lose some "friends" in the process, so be it.

MD 0.75

It's been one week of my last year of medical school. To say it's gone by fast is an understatement. I always start off every rotation anxious, petrified that I know nothing. And I'm sure that with every rotation this year it will pretty much be the same. My last week of M3 year, new M3s from a different school were starting. As an almost M4, the residents relied on my fellow veteran M3s and me a little more to help out in training the new M3s on how to scrub and gown properly and how to access the computers. It wasn't until then that I realized just how much I have actually learned this year. I may not be the most skilled at wading through the symptoms patients have and what to do about them, but I don't have to give a second thought to scrubbing and gowning to get ready for surgery, I know where to look in the computer for the information I need on a patient, and I can at least come up with a vague idea of what's going on with the patient most of the time. I've almost taken for granted how easily some of these things are to me now, because I'm so used to doing them day after day. 

I started my M4 year teaching "Clinical Skills" for two weeks, where essentially I'm turning around and taking what I learned this year and teaching it to the new M3 class. We run through patient cases, grade progress notes, and teach some of the basic skills of third year like suturing and blood draws. I was so worried that I was incompetent and couldn't teach any students. I've had no experience, and I was initially worried that I didn't pass my own clinical standardized patient exam at the end of the year. How could I be qualified to teach M3s if I failed at what I was supposed to be teaching? But I passed, giving me a little boost, and my last week around the new M3s before I left gave me a little teaching experience before I plunged into clinical skills. I think I could definitely use a little work in how to explain certain skills, but I still have this week to work on it.

Unfortunately, with M4 year comes a whole different kind of stress though, and balancing that with rotations is a new challenge. I'm trying to study for my next board exam that is in exactly 1 month to the date, which is difficult. I'm burnt out, and sick of studying, and it's been difficult to do so this past week with being up at the school all day and then coming home to an overcrowded apartment. I keep telling myself to just hold out for one more month, and then I can breathe. But I know that after that, then it's trying to impress the physicians for letters of rec and to stand out on my audition rotations. And writing a good personal statement, for which I've been having quite an impressive writers block. A whole lot of complaining and moaning, I know. But as much as I dislike the stress, the studying, the insane difficulty balancing a personal and work life (my boyfriend and I were joking around a couple days ago that a fancy date at this point would be McDonald's since we've been so busy- and so poor that we haven't had time to really go on a date for well over a month), I wouldn't have it any other way.

For the rest of my life

This week I had an epiphany of sorts, and I am excited, proud and terrified to say that I think I know what I want to do with the rest of my life. During my third year, I was hoping that one rotation would stand out above the rest, and that I could say with confidence that I loved that specialty and that I wanted to continue in that field for the next 30 years. And since I was leaning towards Internal Medicine, I was really hoping that the specialty I would instantly know I loved would be that. However, Internal came and went, and no such lightbulb went off, which made me a little panicked. I definitely liked IM, and now that I'm pretty much done with the year I know that I liked IM the best out of all my rotations by a decently sized margin. But also, my IM rotation started out roughly, with the most difficult patient I've encountered all year, and the end of my 5 year relationship that took me by surprise. Time heals all wounds though, and the patient left, and I slowly healed away, and I came to really like the complexity of all that is Internal Medicine, though the hours of course, are quite long, second perhaps to only surgery.

But Internal medicine is a broad, broad specialty. And I knew I wanted to subspecialize but I didn't know in what. Pretty much everything filters through internal, so I figured I could take the next couple of years to figure out what specifically I wanted to do. What I determined through the rest of my clerkships this year though, is that I like working with my hands. I like doing procedures: suturing, freezing/shaving off warts, blood draws. Things I never thought I could do. So I knew that whatever I go into, I have to work with my hands. Enter this past week, when I was doing pediatric cardiology. I was always intrested in cardio, but I was leaning away from it because I just don't understand the subject well. On my exam, it singlehandedly dropped my score, and was the only subject that was scrunched waaay to the left of average. It's made me a little wary of pursuing the subject, since I seem to have developed a mental block to the subject, and especially because it's one of the more competitive subspecialties. But I realized how much I like piecing together the heart conditions and listening/discovering murmurs and extra heart sounds. On Internal med I'm proud to say I was attentive enough to discover murmurs that other residents missed. So long story short, I think, at least tentatively right now, that I am going to pursue Interventional Cardiology. It's sort of scary to think of the long road ahead if I decide to go ahead with that (3 years residency+3 years cardiology+1 year interventional cardiology), but the more I think about it, the more excited I get. Which I'm taking to be an encouraging sign. It's got procedures, the critical thinking, and the instant gratification of helping someone right away (interventional cardiologists are who put catheters into patients with heart attacks, etc) that I loved about surgery. So all in all, it's a rough road ahead, but...at least it'll be interesting.

Packing Puzzle

I spent my long weekend moving apartments and being sick, neither of which I was originally anticipating. We were planning on apartment switching the week before, but lucky me, I landed overnight call that weekend, and I didn't want to move in the morning and then go see sick kids. So moving fell to the long weekend. Which is good in terms of getting an extra day to settle in and move, but it sort of sucks because I wanted to fully enjoy the long weekend, not spend endless hours moving and cleaning and stressing about it all.

Spending the week packing was difficult in making everything fit as neatly and efficiently as possible. It's like playing tetris with boxes and little items. I was super lucky in having so many awesome friends help out, all of whom were a whole lot stronger than me, too, which was helpful in moving boxes that I personally couldn't really lift. I'm proud to say this time around, I was much better at packing things without just throwing things into little plastic bags. Crates were packed to the max, boxes were consolidated. My kitchenware was also packed quite efficiently in its gigantic crate, and without my mom's help, which makes it more impressive. Although to be honest, a lot of that credit goes to my friend. He was the mastermind of the packing. And he practically single-handedly set up the new apartment for my roommate and me, helping us put our mattresses and furniture in their right places, putting together my futon, and setting up our wireless internet so I can type this happy vent session. I never truly realized how lost I am without being able to use the internet, and more than that I really don't know what I'd do without him.

Moving was stressful as hell, complicated by cleaning of the old apartment and all the dramatic shenanigans that go alongside it. And of course, cleaning also pretty much always takes longer than anticipated too. But I would say as of today, the old place is completely cleaned up and our new place is prob 95% unpacked. Just need to do a quick wash of the floors of our new place, unpack a few of my random plastic bags lying around and things will be put to rest. 

I'm so glad the move is over, although it does kind of suck that it pretty much took the whole weekend so I didn't get to study or really hang out and enjoy the lovely weather. I'd rather play a real game of tetris than have to move anytime soon.

Are you competent enough to be a doctor?

Today I took yet another exam, though one of a different nature. As a medical student, you have to be able to talk to and counsel patients in addition to the typical "let's come up with a diagnosis and figure out what the heck's wrong with you." It's officially tested with standardized patients, so our school helps us prepare for it with a little mini half day exam of their own. It's supposed to help us get ready for said exam but also for themselves to make sure we're competent. Again, makes sense. But they make it harder than the real thing, and so in a way this makes it even more stressful. Am I competent enough to become a doctor in a mere year?I ask myself that often, and honestly I don't know. I swing back and forth on that. But I do hope that at least come August, I am good enough to pass the exam for real.

So long story short, I took mine today (the practice exam needed to pass third year of school) and am have a serious fear I failed said practice exam. Having only 15 minutes to talk to, examine and counsel the patient was just not enough time for me to organize my thoughts and come up with a diagnosis. I normally take forever to at least come up with a differential diagnosis, let alone figure out what tests to order, so this was a little rough. What's the most frustrating is that, as a naturally anxious stressed out person, listening to people discussing the exam afterwards is even more stressful. Overhearing students asking what they thought the diagnoses were and whether you elicited some of the secret history makes me panic, especially when I missed doing some of those things and forgetting to ask the obvious questions. It sends my nerves into overdrive. I was so nervous this morning I almost passed out.

I have to say though, one of the nice things about taking the exam today was having my friend take it with me. He drove us up there, which was good because after the adrenaline rush wore off, I felt completely worn out and driving home would've been painful, if not bordering on dangerous. He was also there with a hug and a smile, and helped (at least temporarily) take the panicky edge off, because I actually came out of the exam feeling ok, and it wasn't until listening to other people recapping with each other that I realized truthfully how much I had missed. Sometimes it truly amazes me how much friends and a hug (ok, and a beer) can help get you through things. It's its own kind of medicine.

The Truth About Being Skinny

People come in all shapes and sizes, and that's a fact. In today's culture, at least in the United States, generally people want to be skinny, but healthy at the same time. There's been a lot of uproar over too thin models and for women to embrace their curves. I appreciate this, I really do. But what about people who are naturally skinny? There are people who are naturally curvy, or on the larger side. They can't help it, and neither can I.

I am 5'5, and the last time I weighed myself I was 102lbs. Have I lost a little with the stress of school? Yes, I will admit it. But for the most part, I am naturally this way. My BMI is barely above 17, which is clearly underweight by medical standards. But I don't diet, and as unhealthy as it is, don't exercise obsessively (or even regularly at that). My whole family is this way, and I know I'm not alone.

And being skinny is not a walk in the park, let me tell you. Petite clothes are not necessarily for thin people- they are for people who are shorter- 5'4 or less. So finding clothes becomes an issue. Less body fat also equals less curves, making other things hard to shop for as well. There are of course the medical issues too, which is frustrating because sometimes it seems that even medical professionals don't seem to remember the physiology behind some of the issues women can face. Fat stores estrogen. Less fat, less estrogen. Hence a monthly cycle may not necessarily always happen. I had a resident who was rolling his eyes because a patient mentioned that sometimes there would be a couple months in between periods because it was so irregular. The resident simply labeled her as a poor historian, which could in all honesty be correct. But I pointed out that she really may just have an irregular cycle because it's common in young women, especially if thin, and I was brushed aside.

When people make comments like, "Gosh girl, you're so thin! You need to eat something!" they often think it's not hurtful, and perhaps it's even a compliment in a society that desires thinness (is this a word?). But add up all those comments and eventually it can make her think that something is wrong if everyone feels the desire to keep pointing it out, and it can shatter any girl's self-image, especially if you throw around the words eating disorder or anorexia into the mix. I had these phrases thrown at me often in high school, and it was truly frustrating and hurtful for "friends" and classmates casually mentioning that they thought I had an eating disorder or would blow away in the wind. It was hard to overcome the negativity, especially given the double standard that skinny girls can face. 

I saw this article today on Yahoo! which is what sparked my desire to blog this: https://shine.yahoo.com/fashion/australian-model-defends-skinniness--declares-she-loves-her--bones-195438967.html

And I have to say, I agree with this 100%. People are always in an uproar about sensitivity of larger people- nobody can make any comments about a woman's weight if they are on the larger side. But less outrage is there if someone is criticizing a woman for being too thin- instead she's just called unhealthy and usually people will comment how disgustingly thin she is and how all her bones stick out. These hurt just as much as calling someone fat. I know that there are definitely times when it seems like everyone has become overly sensitive. Everything can be seen as sexist, or racist or stereotypical to the point where it's almost comical what people are complaining about. But in this case, I do believe there is a valid point. It's time for everyone to be allowed to embrace their natural body, curves or lack thereof without all the negative commentary, or even the backhanded compliments.

Matchmaker matchmaker make me a match

Yesterday was Match Day for all fourth year medical students across the nation. It's an exciting event: everyone tears open their envelopes, frantically reading the paper inside which will tell you your future- where you will spend the next 3-5 years and in what specialty.

I'm proud to say one of my best friends matched to the place she wanted and I'm so happy for her. Most of the other M4s I have met here on rotations also successfully matched as well, and it's heartening to see. Even one couple that did not couples match ended up miraculously in the same place. I think it's fate. And that's also encouraging to see. Not that I really want to get ahead of myself as I tend to do quite often, but the possibility is there that I would be in a similar position- matching without couples matching and keeping fingers crossed. But who knows what will happen in a year. 

Everyone's all excited to match in a year, but honestly for me, it's quickly becoming a huge source of anxiety. My exam score is not where it should be and it's actually looking like it may limit where I want to apply, which is devastating because some of them were places I really wanted to go. I keep telling myself I will definitely match, and while I feel like I should be able to, I don't know if I'll be able to go where I want. And if I do, will I match to the same location as my friends? It's a little daunting, and right now I don't really know much of anything about applying for next year and even how to set up my fourth year schedule. I think I've been almost blindly applying for electives with only a vague plan and keeping my fingers crossed. Unfortunately I think I'm pretty lucky overall, but sometimes for the big things I want it doesn't always come through for me. My friend on the other hand, says that he's really lucky when it counts for the big things, and lucky pretty much all other times. I think that's pretty awesome though, bely cause for serious things like this, a little luck on your side never hurt.

I'm truly hoping I can relax a little and keep things under control because right now there's a lot of things to be done: find a new place and clean/move out and into said new place, apply for electives, apply for residency, buy my books, get all my paperwork done....ugh. And the hilarious but sad thing about just having finished psychiatry is that it makes me feel like I've got personality disorders or a plethora of anxiety or panic disorders. Realistically I know it's not true, but with every decision or upsetting emotion I feel I think- do I need a benzo? Or SSRI? And then the brain in me cringes at my med school hypochondriasis.

Match day in T-363 days. And then at least one chapter of worrying can close before an entirely new one opens.

Guilty Pleasures

I got off early (again) from psych because....well, it's psych and although it's one week til final exam time and so I should be cramming since I have slacked like no other, but I decided to take some time for myself and de-stress a bit since this week I've been crazy anxious. Since one roommate is currently at home and the other is on call, I had a rare late afternoon where I had the place to myself and so I could crank up the volume and not bother anyone. I hit up YouTube and shut my door and had a solo dance session in my room for a half hour. It's been so long that I've been out and danced and it's one of the several things I like to do every once and I while, but am so self conscious that it's gotta be at a bar where it's dark and everybody is pretty much preoccupied with themselves (and the bit of good ole EtOH to help loosen up a bit doesn't hurt either) or at home by myself where nobody is around to see me move around like an idiot. And with roommates or even living by myself in an apartment complex with thin walls, it's hard to really crank up the volume to dance around because I'm not really a fan of headphones or sing aloud to my favorite songs. 

That's also part of the reason why although I dislike driving especially here in Chicago where drivers are just plain crazy, I don't mind being alone in the car. Because that's one of the few places where I can sing along to the radio, loudly and out of tune and with only knowing a fourth of the lyrics. When I stop to self-analyze, I realize I can figure out how I'm feeling just by how much I'm singing in the car. When I'm feeling down, I'm not singing. If the drive is stressful and I've got two hands clenched on the wheel, I'm not singing. But when I'm feeling happy again, the singing comes out in all it's off-tune glory. Of course, that only happens when I'm happy and alone in the car. Because I'm sure no passenger or driver would appreciate the warblings of a happy med student.

Little Sister

I am proud to say that my older sister and I have a great relationship. Sure it's not perfect and I definitely don't spill all my beans, but we definitely enjoy our time together, taking each other out to lunch, going shopping and playing through Lego Harry Potter and Star Wars. It's probably more therapeutic and healthy than our previous bouts of "sister bonding," which was playing fighting games, trying to beat the crap out of each other. 

But like all things, being the little sister has its pros and cons, especially when my sibling is the same gender. Not only is my older sister only a couple of years older than me, but we also look similar and being in IB, we took pretty much the same classes in high school and had the same teachers. I'm sure teachers never meant any negativity or anything by it, but every year at least one teacher would start off with something to the effect of, "Oh you're Tiffany's little sister? She was so nice and such a good student!" Over the years I think it ended up making me work that much harder, just to get out from my sister's shadow. As much as I love being "Tiffany's little sister," I wanted my own identity and to be known for just being me. It's the same thing in any relationship too. In any of my group of friends I don't want to just be "so and so's girlfriend," I want my independence and identity and sometimes I think I go a little overboard in trying to establish that. But I digress. Anyhoo, being the second Chow at my high school made me try to make a name for myself and I tried to throw myself into other clubs and work even harder in class. Although I think a large part of why I was successful in high school was just my personality, I do believe at least a minor part of it is a result of constantly being compared to my sister. 

Of course being the youngest has a lot of perks too, more than the cons. She paved the way rule-wise for me in high school, letting me "enjoy my youth" a little more than she did. At least, when I was allowed to go to after-prom I didn't set off our house alarm. And when I eventually started dating it was less of a fight, because she had already done it. 
Most of all though, I appreciate having someone to look up to and having an extra person look out for me. Sure, sometimes I feel like I have a second mom when she's disapproving of some of my wilder college ways, but it's nice to have her care. I think being so close in age and having so many similar interests help (which is probably a result of me following her and doing so many things together that I just ended up loving what she does). But my sister is very protective and loving and it's nice to have that. I think while reading the Hunger Games trilogy I (spoiler alert!) was so disappointed when Prim died. I think it's because even though she was not in the series much, the little we learned of her character I identified with her: a little weaker at first glance but towards the end she ended up being a lot stronger and more capable than you would previously imagine. And she had a very protective older sister, ready to do anything for her. I'm not sure Tiff would take my place if I was called into a vicious kill or be killed battle, but I know she would pretty much do anything for me, and I would do the same for her. 

Truthfully my sister and I didn't really fight much growing up, and having someone to look up to, to talk and play with and even share clothes with was one of the best things I could ask for, even if it made me study a little harder because of her :)

The ups and downs of becoming a physician

Friday night I was at Starbucks talking to a friend. It was pretty heavy talk for the start of a long weekend (and especially being Valentine's day), but we were talking about the lovely careers we were both heading into. 
During Internal Medicine, I had the the unfortunate experience of having a patient I was seeing pass away. He was a really sweet gentleman that I had the pleasure of seeing daily for over a month. He had a complicated case and through it all, I knew he had a poor prognosis. But still, I formed that connection with him and it was a shock to see him go. I had seen him and talked to him just that morning before he coded. The thing that gets me the most was that I rushed seeing him that morning. He had just come back up to the floors from the ICU that morning, so although I knew I had to see him, I was still dragging my feet and delaying leaving for the hospital and therefore had to see him in a hurry. I figured I knew him well by this point and could always see him after rounds if I needed to. But that was not the case. As a medical student, his care was way beyond my level of training but I still can't help but have a little regret for not giving him the extra few minutes, even though that wouldn't have changed anything. I figured that at my level of training I wouldn't see any patient pass away. And although this happened a few months ago, it is still something I think of often. I was discussing this with my friend and fellow student, who has also seen patients pass away. It's probably the worst thing about our profession and something that I will probably never come to terms with. Friday night at Starbucks, and just discussing it almost brought me to tears again. But I do confess there are definite perks to becoming a physician (at least I hope so, or the last three years would be wasted).

My friend wants to be a surgeon "when he grows up" (a common question posed to us, as if we are still kids), and I confess one of the main appeals of becoming a surgeon is the instant gratification. The patients are so grateful when they wake up for helping them. The cure of surgery is clear. You have an inflamed appendix? Let me take that out for you! Bowel obstruction? Let me go in there and take down those adhesions. Problems solved. If only I didn't get motion sickness from laparoscopic surgeries with the camera and could deal with the extreme stress of surgery it would have been my specialty of choice. I actually enjoy suturing and being in the OR. Internal medicine, which is what I believe I'm going into, doesn't have that kind of gratification. Patients are happy sure, but there tends to be no "cure." It's a path of life-long medications to control certain diseases and conditions and oftentimes you can't see the problem, or it's solution. I'm sure it will be just as rewarding, but in a different way. And hopefully with a lot less stress and anxiety.

Every rotation so far has the difficult patients. The ones that refuse to see they may have a condition like hypertension or a mental disorder. But when I see the patients that are thankful for your efforts; the ones that take your advice seriously, they are the ones that make everything worth it.

You're Beautiful

You're beautiful. It's a phrase you don't really hear often. Sure you may hear the "you're pretty" or "you look good" or even the "you're hot", but to me it's just not the same. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but those are superficial phrases. But calling someone beautiful? To me it's got that deeper ring to it. Not just a description of a person's looks, but their personality too. Hearing that throws me off.

I classify it as a phrase like "I love you." Like a lyric from Snow Patrol, it's a phrase that is said too much and not enough. You have to really mean it.

I think I like it.

Happy New Year! Chinese Style

I'm a day off, but yesterday was Chinese New Year to start off year of the horse. I even remembered to do some of the typical traditions my mom likes us to do, and cleaned my room beforehand. According to her, you're supposed to clean your house before new year's eve, and then not sweep for 2 weeks I think, so that you don't sweep away your good luck. At home my mom would make a new year's eve dinner that was incredible. It was 8 courses (8 being a good luck number) and everything would taste so amazing, even the oysters. Everything had a special meaning, and it was kind of something I took for granted. I never used to look forward to it until I left for school.

Yesterday though, I managed to call home when my Aunt in Toronto was skyping my parents, so via Skype and iPhone, I managed to see half of my relatives in Toronto. Oh the power of technology! I don't get to see everyone as much, since everyone is in Toronto so it was an added bonus. This new year I've been trying to connect with my family more, and call more often. As I've grown older I think I've sheltered myself from people, and now I'm realizing this is not the most effective way to deal with things, so I'm trying to be more open and confident and reach out more. It's vulnerable, but it's nice for a change.

As a Coloradan, I also have to throw in the obligatory, year of the horse, hope the Broncos win the superbowl tomorrow. If I didn't have my exam to study for, it may have been one that I would have actually tried to watch, too.

Hope this new year brings lots of luck!

The silver linings

I think I had my first panic attack today. Sudden onset, check. Panicked gulps of air and hyperventilating to the point of almost dizziness, check. Tachycardia, check. From a medical student standpoint, it would have been kind of interesting to see my blood gases and see if had respiratory alkalosis. But enough of that. I’ve got my awesome Tension Tamer tea and some new music on, and the fogginess has started to subside. I'm reminded of a scene from an episode of the Big Bang Theory where Leonard starts having a panic attack when he's about to go on a date with Penny, and Sheldon's solution offered to him, which was simply, calm down. *Sigh* If only ordering yourself to do so was effective. It’s been a little rough lately, but today I think I’ve started to partake in some long overdue cleansing and purging of things that have been a little too toxic in my life. And I’m getting back to what I love, starting with green tea and music, enjoying new experiences with friends (hello comedy show and Xbox Zumba!), things I’ve been too “busy” to enjoy. I realized how little music I’ve listened to since the summer. Music used to be what got me through everything, but besides the now very rare classical music on Pandora while studying, I really haven’t listened to much of anything. I think now is the time to put some new tunes on my phone and start unearthing iTunes. I can't wait for the weather to turn warmer so I can start going out more.

But enough of that. What I really want to remember is the power of positive thinking. OB-GYN was a rough start and I have to admit I was feeling pretty defeated. Every day I felt like I had at least one major slip up or looked incredibly stupid. I was bested by a pair of suture scissors in the OR. Dropped part of a table on my foot. But I read an article about people who would post things they were grateful for every day. And how things turned around. I thought about doing that on this blog, maybe not every day but at least internally keep a record. And to be honest, I think it’s helping. Thinking about the good things about all my mishaps has been keeping me sane, and more importantly, happy. I’ve learned a lot. I may have dropped the table, but somehow spared hurting my foot in any way, which I think was a miracle. I’ve finally been able to answer some questions during the rotation. I am proud to say I delivered a baby (with help, of course). And even with today, I think freaking out has given me the push I needed to clear up some space. Woohoo for looking for the silver linings.

Listening to New Found Glory right now is really perking up my mood right now, just gotta say. Man that band is old.

The Resolutions and Reflections of 2014

As everyone always says, the past year went by at the speed of lightning. For me, every year seems to go by faster and faster and 2013 was no exception. I don't know if it's the schooling and long hours that makes all the days fly by, but honestly the past year was a blur. I can truly say there were some definite highlights, but the end was a little bit of a drag and a frustration. But with any luck, 2014 will be on to bigger and brighter accomplishments for all of us.

Today was freakishly cold and it's been snowing like crazy here in Chicago, so I curled up at home and passed on lunch with some friends because I hate having to trek outside in snow when I don't absolutely need to. To avoid studying for OB-GYN, I of course turned to youtube. And I ran into this inspiring video http://youtu.be/GZspjw46YGo via bubzbeauty. Yes, I watch beauty videos online, one of my many guilty pleasures. I thought there was a lot of good things to think about here, and hopefully I can keep some of these resolutions too along with a few others, such as trying to be healthier with exercise and eating.
Lately I've felt so negative with everything going on in my life, and truthfully I think I liked being mopey and angry. I needed some time to sit and wallow and think about everything that happened and why. My mom basically told me over break that I had one week (because that's all the time there was until school started again) to be angry and then I had to move on. But realistically there's no time table to sorting out your life, and it made me even more frustrated than before, because if I can't be myself at home, then where could I possibly be myself? Although I suppose a surly sister/daughter during the holidays probably dampens the holiday cheer. Whoops. And although admittedly I'm still not quite there yet, I think I'm pretty much ready to move on and be a more optimistic, happy self. I think the thing I was most worried about was time. Being thrust squarely in my mid-twenties, there were things I had roughly sketched into the timeline of my life- graduate by 26, finish residency by 29 etc, but truthfully I also had getting married thrown somewhere down there in my late twenties. And I think that's also what was so stressful about this breakup, because I always figured that we would get married eventually and things would work themselves out once distance was no longer a factor. And now being thrust back into the single life is scary, because dating someone for another 5 years puts me at 30. Which is totally fine when I think about it, it just wasn't what I was thinking about originally. Not having things planned out terrifies me, and while I know things change all the time, I find myself constantly dragging my feet instead of embracing it.  But here's to a year that will be all about embracing the change.

This year already started off with a new experience. It was my first time ringing in the new year in Chicago, since orientation began on Monday. I went to my first NYE house party and chatted up with a couple friends in a midst of strangers. One of my friends joked that he didn't know how to talk to healthy people anymore since for the last six months most new people we interact with are patients. And while I've never been good at talking to new people, I have to agree with him because for me at least, my meager social skills have gotten worse. But still, celebrating with friends is always the best, making up for not being able to find parking in the lovely Chicago neighborhoods and the crazy amount of snow that is dumping on us currently. My new worry (which I know is something I should just let go and try to relax) is that I will not be able to get to the hospital tomorrow morning. I have no idea how to estimate inches of snowfall but I'm thinking it's probably 6inches? Keeping my fingers crossed I can back out of the parking lot, because there will obviously be nobody to help me push my poor car. But I have faith in my not-so-little car and so I suppose I should just try to relax and curl up with yet another chick flick and enjoy the healing process and the new year. Happy 2014 and may the new year be a successful and amazing year for everyone!