New Beginnings

 Clearly blogging has become a thing of the past. But instead of deleting everything and starting afresh, I wanted to use this space for something different. I've come a long way since 2015, and with that has come a discovery and passion for new hobbies. I want to use this space instead to showcase my amateur art projects, from painting to resin coasters and the like. For now, let me start with the projects I've done recently. Thanks to YouTube (Olga Solby), I've discovered fluid painting with stenciling to make the art more 3 dimensional, and I love how it completely changes the piece. 

I'm definitely excited to keep experimenting!

Today after a bit of personal turmoil, I went out for a walk to clear my head. Of course, today would be a day where it's freezing out, but all the better to get some fresh air, right? Luckily for me there's a Peet's coffee shop about 10 min walk from my place, so of course that's where I headed straight away. I ordered my drink and sat down in a corner to try to organize my thoughts. That's when I realized that this was the first time in years- maybe since college (?) that I had been to a coffee shop by myself. And in college, it was always to study. I'm not sure I ever went somewhere by myself purely to decompress. I cranked up my music, listening to the loud emo music from my high school days and just sat there, drinking my coffee, watching the few people walk by. 

And even now, I'm sitting in my comfy chair that I never sit in because I'm always on my couch, watching the sunset as I type. I never really watched the sun go down...usually I'm at work where there are no windows, or too busy with something else to really watch it. The view from my place- an actually pretty view of the Chicago skyline- largely goes unnoticed, wasted. But now as I sit here, feeling sorry for myself, and trying to pick myself up, I can finally appreciate all that I've paid for, and not just in terms of apartment costs. 

I've always been hard on myself, and that's something that is harder than I would've imagined to admit. Self-confidence as a new physician, as a girlfriend, as a person in general has really hit an all-time low. It's always interesting to step back and imagine what I would say to myself if I was a patient or a friend. Someone told me once in a more eloquent fashion that we tend to be meanest to ourselves. That we should treat ourselves just like we would treat a friend. It's easier said than done. But no time like the present to start trying, right?

Why hello, 2015

The start of a new year is as good a time as any to reflect on the past and life in general. Overall I think 2014 was a pretty good year. Finishing up third year, starting a new relationship with one of my best friends, deciding my career path and my future in medicine, and catching up with old friends was pretty much my whole year.But more than that, I can honestly say my maturity level grew significantly as of late. I realized holding on to old "friends" that I probably shouldn't even classify as friends to begin with can be quite toxic when they probably never even cared about you to start with, and it's best just to let some things go. 

People always say to not look back, but I disagree. If you never look back to reflect on how things came about and why, then I don't think you can move forward and not make the same mistake again. Sure, if you're always looking back to the point where you're not looking forward, then ok, that's not going to work either. And I do think that can be a weakness of mine. I tend to look back and stay stuck in that guilty mindset of how I let myself or others down, and tend to not be able to move on. 

So with the new year comes new resolutions, which unfortunately I'm never really been able to continue for more than a month or two. But I figured I'd start with some basic ones, such as vowing to exercise more since I've never been able to get on a regular schedule. I was hoping running my first 5k would jumpstart my exercise routine, but unfortunately I didn't exactly train for it as much as I should have. I'm still proud of myself for actually running the whole way, and I did run more than I probably would have if I didn't sign up for it with my friends, but it wasn't enough to kick me into a routine. So I'm hoping this year I can exercise more regularly. I also want to floss more, since I always floss daily before a dentist appointment and after for a month or so, and then it tapers off to maybe once a week. Ick. And lastly resolution-wise, I want to stay more organized. My room at home looks like a bomb went off in there because my frantic packing for Chicago went a little crazy. And I don't even live there really anymore, so the room should be emptier you would think. Even my room in Chicago looks crazy, with my things strewn half-hazardly around. So especially when I move into my next place which should theoretically be semi-permanent since I should be there for 3 years at least, I want to take my time organizing and making sure my place stays neat. I've become such a weird homebody lately and I've been suddenly really interested in my mom's home magazines and looking for furniture like the perfect desk (which I have found at Ikea I think, haha)
This year with the more freedom time-wise I have (at least until June anyways, but hey, that's like half the year, right?), I really want to focus on myself. My self-confidence was low around the end of last year/beginning of 2014 and I was full of doubt and anger. I want to focus on figuring out "me" and making sure I don't lose myself in the stresses of work and caring for others. I want to be able to organize my life and be able to stand up for myself when people are trying to take advantage of me. I've always been introverted and timid, and sometimes or maybe even a lot of times, I feel a little lost in the shuffle. This year I want to spend a little more time destressing with my creative side. Do a little more painting, some more origami, maybe even try my hand at drawing.

And now on this side of 2015, things like graduating this year have become a little more real. Writing a graduation date of 2015 all the time seemed really far off in the future, but not anymore. It's really starting to hit me, especially with all these interviews, that soon I won't be a student any longer. The patients I see in clinic will be mine. I'm going to be taking care of people who are going to see me as their doctor. Scary, but cool. Also, as I realized this morning and groaned to my boyfriend, 2015 means that next year is our 10 year high school reunion. That makes me feel a little old. But all part of growing up, I suppose. 2015 is probably going to be full of change, more so than my recent years, but I'm excited. Bring it on, and happy new year.

4th year bliss

All throughout my medical school career, I've been told of the wonders of fourth year. As a nervous, budding first year student being taught clinical skills by the fourth year medical students, I remember noticing how happy they all looked. I remember as I was preparing for my "head to toe" exam where we have to perform all the physical exam skills within a certain time  limit, that one fourth year student in December, threw his arm out. By playing the Wii. I figured that there must be that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, that the stresses and fears of incompetency lessened by the end of medical school. I wasn't quite naive enough to believe fourth year was all magic and ponies and rainbows, but I was almost to that point.

As my bf has pointed out, fourth year is practically half gone already. And is it all magical rainbow ponies? Not quite. But I can honestly say the majority of the stress is over. I've successfully passed the remaining licensing exams I had to complete this year before December, and actually did well. I have no more exams left in medical school period. Applications for residency have been sent in, and now the stress that remains is not blowing the interviews. But even that isn't as stressful this go around. Don't get me wrong, an interview is an interview, and for me, it is incredibly anxiety-inducing, probably more so than for the average person. I know it's supposed to be easy, it's talking about yourself!- but I fear that as an introverted person whose ideal weekend is curled up in bed with a cup of green tea reading- doesn't offer enough uniqueness and vibrancy to a program. A fear that I know is semi-unwarranted, but sometimes it can be difficult squashing these worries.

But I will say, at least over the past few weeks after my sub-internship- an incredibly intense rotation and applications have been sent in, I gradually feel like I'm getting my life back. A two day weekend?! Almost unheard of for so long. Free time? Getting home at 4 and not having to crack open a book and do practice questions? Say it isn't so! It's given me a new chance to try a few new hobbies- painting and trying my hand at felting some small fuzzy little creatures. And if you told me 6 months ago, or heck, even 1 month ago, that I would be spending this past Saturday night playing League of Legends, I would have scoffed and rolled some eyeballs. And yet, I find myself immersed in a computer game that may very well explode my poor laptop, as I don't think the poor thing can handle it.

So although nerves from upcoming interviews that happened to crop up much faster than anticipated, I am pretty happy to say that the fourth year bliss is at least mostly true. And although I haven't quite gotten to the end, I can at least say I'm finally, truly enjoying the ride.

Thanks for having my back

Being at home studying my life away has been both relaxing and stressful. Relaxing in the sense that it's really nice to be back with my family, but stressful in the sense that I'm spending the vast majority of my time studying for yet another exam.
And after my last post, written out of frustration and anger, I really want this blog on the whole to have a more positive light. Of course, venting has usually helped me release my feelings, especially since my feelings cannot be expressed to this particular person yet, being that we are in different states (and also because although on the whole I am over the whole situation, thinking about her antics makes me irritated all over again and so approaching her would probably just end up with the two of us yelling, which is not productive). But going through that a couple of weeks ago really made me appreciate my true friends and family even more, and for that I am grateful.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my friend and he was telling me about a situation where a guy was walking his friend (who was a girl) to her car, or perhaps to her house, I'm not sure. 9 times out of 10, nothing happens. But this time, they were mugged, and instead of the guy standing up for and helping the girl, he ran and left the girl at the hands of the mugger. It reminded me of a similar situation I saw watching Grey's Anatomy way back when (yes, I admit I did see a couple of seasons) an engaged couple witnessed a shooting and the guy of the couple used his fiancee as a shield. Twice. Which I think led to the breakdown of that fictional relationship. But in talking to my friend about this real life situation, I was shocked, but not all that surprised. It's easy to say one will do the "right" thing and not abandon someone in a time of need especially if you've given your word to escort someone safely. But when there is a true threat, people tend to panic and then those words can go out the window. It led our conversation to a further discussion of the prisoner's dilemma and what we would do in situations like that. And I realized that I'm blessed to say that not only do I have many good friends, but I have friends that I feel comfortable saying I trust that they would have my back in these situations, that certain friend being one of them. But it's not just my friends, it's my family too. 

I know that no matter what, my parents and sister have my back. I'd like to think that they raised me to be polite and (somewhat) independent. My parents have been so supportive of me and my endeavors, even if their help (my dad telling me to "go study" and "study hard" any time I'm taking a little break) is a little annoying at times, it's warranted (hence my current slacking, and unfortunately frequent afternoon cat naps) and appreciated. My whole family is also taking off the two days after I take my board exam as well so we can have some quality family time before I go back to Chicago for another round of rotations before coming back in September. It makes me feel almost guilty, that they give me so much without asking for anything in return. I can focus most of my time studying and not have to worry about cooking meals. I've tried to keep up with cleaning dishes post dinner, but my sister and mom have definitely picked up my slack when I miss without complaints. My dad and sister have even volunteered to drive me to and from my exam when I said that last year I was so exhausted after my first licensing exam that it took me a while to get the energy to drive home. I only hope that once I'm done this exam and also finally start earning an income I can show them my appreciation for all they've done for me, friends included. I'm looking forward to having a pseudo-life again very soon.

Ranting on Ridiculous Ultimatums

For the third time in as many months, I have had someone try to screw me over, twice by one person. I'm not really sure what it is about me that attracts these kind of people. Maybe I look like a pushover or too timid, I don't really know but it's infuriating. In all situations, an agreement was reached between all parties. Then the person decided that she changed her mind and really doesn't want to do what was agreed upon. She then comes up with what she deems "fair" without consulting anyone else, and then basically hands it down as an ultimatum to me. No compromising, no negotiations, her way or else. I'm not sure how these people learned how to solve conflicts, but especially if you are the one who is backing out on your word, you better be prepared to offer something in return. If you are the one going against an agreement, shouldn't you be the one to compromise a little more than the other party? At least that seems like it makes sense to me, but I guess not to other people.

I guess this might be a case of "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" because this is the second time on of these girls has pulled this kind of ridiculous bullshit on me. But I considered her a friend, and since things ended up working out really well for all parties involved, I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and drop the issue. But this time it has happened again, and in a more serious manner. And the easy solution would be to explain how this was not ok and why I am so angry about how she handled the argument, but the problem is that we will have to see each other often and there's really no getting around that. But it's hard not to be disgusted with the selfish, childish behavior that is becoming repetitive nature to her.

So needless to say I guess I'm just hot and bothered and ranting to no one, but dealing with people who think it's ok to treat others this way is mind boggling. I never knew that to some, the idea of negotiation and compromise meant one person opens with what their "bottom line" is and that they will not move away from it, and expect everyone else to just succumb to these demands. My only hope is that after a month of cooling off for everyone after this last incident, we can at the very least start to maintain some civility, because I think friendship at this point may be out the window. Getting stomped all over is not part of my game plan for this year, and whether I lose some "friends" in the process, so be it.

MD 0.75

It's been one week of my last year of medical school. To say it's gone by fast is an understatement. I always start off every rotation anxious, petrified that I know nothing. And I'm sure that with every rotation this year it will pretty much be the same. My last week of M3 year, new M3s from a different school were starting. As an almost M4, the residents relied on my fellow veteran M3s and me a little more to help out in training the new M3s on how to scrub and gown properly and how to access the computers. It wasn't until then that I realized just how much I have actually learned this year. I may not be the most skilled at wading through the symptoms patients have and what to do about them, but I don't have to give a second thought to scrubbing and gowning to get ready for surgery, I know where to look in the computer for the information I need on a patient, and I can at least come up with a vague idea of what's going on with the patient most of the time. I've almost taken for granted how easily some of these things are to me now, because I'm so used to doing them day after day. 

I started my M4 year teaching "Clinical Skills" for two weeks, where essentially I'm turning around and taking what I learned this year and teaching it to the new M3 class. We run through patient cases, grade progress notes, and teach some of the basic skills of third year like suturing and blood draws. I was so worried that I was incompetent and couldn't teach any students. I've had no experience, and I was initially worried that I didn't pass my own clinical standardized patient exam at the end of the year. How could I be qualified to teach M3s if I failed at what I was supposed to be teaching? But I passed, giving me a little boost, and my last week around the new M3s before I left gave me a little teaching experience before I plunged into clinical skills. I think I could definitely use a little work in how to explain certain skills, but I still have this week to work on it.

Unfortunately, with M4 year comes a whole different kind of stress though, and balancing that with rotations is a new challenge. I'm trying to study for my next board exam that is in exactly 1 month to the date, which is difficult. I'm burnt out, and sick of studying, and it's been difficult to do so this past week with being up at the school all day and then coming home to an overcrowded apartment. I keep telling myself to just hold out for one more month, and then I can breathe. But I know that after that, then it's trying to impress the physicians for letters of rec and to stand out on my audition rotations. And writing a good personal statement, for which I've been having quite an impressive writers block. A whole lot of complaining and moaning, I know. But as much as I dislike the stress, the studying, the insane difficulty balancing a personal and work life (my boyfriend and I were joking around a couple days ago that a fancy date at this point would be McDonald's since we've been so busy- and so poor that we haven't had time to really go on a date for well over a month), I wouldn't have it any other way.