One of those days

Today is just one of those days, those unproductive days where I feel like a bum, angry and frustrated. At what, I do not know. I tried to watch one of the movies on my summer list, but I couldn't get through it. Honestly, I don't really know why I borrowed it exactly, seeing as how it's a romance movie. And the book was long, and at times, sort of boring. I think I've got to be in the right sort of mood to watch it. My I'm-so-happy-with-life mood, which, needless to say, I definitely am not in right now. I think I've shifted into a what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-me sort of mood. But I can't put my feelings into words. I have no idea where my frustration is coming from, but I definitely felt really really irked this morning. Maybe because I felt left out as usual, I don't know. But I wish I did. I think I've lost my ability to sort things out. Or maybe, I think I've just put up a wall around myself and I'm in self-denial about things. Because honestly, half the things I think about I really have no idea if they're true or not. And everytime someone asks me a question that should be yes or no, I constantly find myself shifting towards the grey area in a matter that should be black or white.
I have come to the conclusion that this week, though fun and exciting and half over, is going to be sort of nervewracking. Eek! I can't believe we're graduating in TWO days. Holy smokes, guys.

Random Thoughts

All this graduation business got me thinking. Thinking about where I would be if I hadn't made the choices I did, and if, given the chance, I would still make the same choices. It's weird to realize the impact of decision, one action. Last week I was looking up how to find my IB score online and came across the official IBO site, and it listed all the IB schools. And the school I would have gone to, Sir Winston Churchill, was up there too. Given the chance, I'm not sure I would do IB again, but had I stayed up in Calgary, I'm sure I would have done IB. And it was disturbing in a weird sort of way to realize that on the same days and the same time, I would have been taking the exact same tests, but a country away. Well, minus French as my language B, 'cause I doubt that'd be allowed. But you can test in Chinese. It saddens me to realize that I could've come that much closer to my roots. I always wanted to learn Cantonese, and I'm not saying that I won't, but it would've been much easier had I stayed up there. But I'm up to that challenge. Anyways, thinking about that high school up in Calgary made me remember when I was a little kid. It made me start thinking about my friends again. And lo and behold, I found one. My best friend, Paul, who is about to graduate too, from Sir Winston Churchill. But none of my other friends are there. It makes me sad that I don't know where any of them are anymore, that I didn't keep in touch. And it made me wonder what would've happen if I stayed. Would I have the same best friend? Would I have still been the popular (so weird, I know) kid in our grade? One of the smartest people? I don't know. It's interesting but pointless to think about. But it makes me wonder if I should try to get back into touch, even though I'm hopeless at penpals. Though most of these failures aren't really my fault, since I keep writing but no one answers.

Anyways, it's also so weird to realize how old we are. Most, but not all, of us are already adults. My sister is 20. It sounds like such an old, mature, age, and I suppose it does make since, but I really can't see her as that old already. I can't imagine any of us as 17, 18 year olds. Where did all the years go? I honestly can't believe we're graduating in like 5 days. I also can't believe that most of us also do not get to walk in with the rest of our class. It hasn't hit me yet that after this week, we will rarely, if ever, walk into SHHS again. Never do WAC again. I might never play the flute again. It's just weird, the things you miss. I can't believe that I'm missing band...the class everyone's constantly heard me complain about it. But I do. And I miss Mr. K's random comments about life. Because sometimes, especially once, they've come in handy. It sounds stupid, but some have them have kept me alive.

But I think I've gotten enough from Smoky Hill in four year, and I'm ready to move on and move out. Starting college is like having a clean slate, but not quite. It's like starting over, but with more knowledge to keep the good things and erase the bad. It's like a perfect slate with all your good qualities but none of your bad yet. And though it won't stay that way forever, it's nice to know that at least you're starting out that way. I like that. Maybe this time around it won't take me four years to discover myself. Maybe this time I can start out that way and be able to start from where I left off. I know it's completely cliche, but people aren't kidding when they say high school is where you find yourself. But for me, it was so true. I just wish it didn't take me so long to realize my potential. But on the positive, I'm sure glad I did.

I feel like kicking something. Good and hard. Anything. Well, anything except a bucket, of course. Sigh. Years from now when Im a doctor, I'm gonna go and rub it in Wash U's face. I keep playing Bad Day and Better Days. They make me feel so much better.

Breaking through the layers

I think all my energy's dried up. I don't know what's happened to me. I'm too lazy to even write in my journal. I haven't written in it since like December. Not good.
I'm so thankful for my sister. Since she came home yesterday I've been blessfully reminded of why it's so nice to have a sibling, especially an older one. And not just because she can take the load off me washing dishes and washing the rice and petty stuff like that. No, she's always there to talk to, which is good especially now that I've become too lazy to write in my journal. Because I know more than anyone know how dangerous it can be to hold things in. Yesterday we were watching Numbers together and instead of paying attention we just sat there talking and stuff. About everything. Everything and anything. It was such a nice feeling, to crack through a layer of myself and feel fresh again. I miss that, having a sister to talk to whenever. It made me realize that no matter how close you are to home, it's still different. I've realized that staying here for college is still a new experience, cause we're gonna be a whole lot more independent. I'm excited for that, but a bit worried, too. I don't know how to handle that extra responsibility though. But I do think it'll be nice to break out of another layer of my shell. I don't think I do that often enough, and maybe one day I'll hatch out completely as one awesome person. We'll have to see.

Counting the Days

I was listening to one of my favorite songs, Counting the Days, and I realized that I've been counting the days too, but until graduation. Until we're done. 10 school days til we get out of school. 3 weeks til graduation. And that's it. And to be honest, that makes me so excited, but it also scares the heck out of me. Because when I go to college, I'm not going to see my friends, the best friends that saw me through middle and high school. Who were always there for me. I'm scared we're going to drift apart. I'm scared that we've already begun to drift apart, and I don't want that to happen. We always pictured years ago that we'd be friends forever, even to adulthood. But I feel as though I've slowly floated away from our group, and I want to find a way back in. I don't think I've had one of those long chats about what's going on in our lives that used to be so frequent with some people in probably years. I don't want to be out of the loop anymore, and with each day, I feel as though I'm getting more and more disconnected. I don't want to count the days anymore until I find my connection again.

The Smart Choices

Last weekend I stayed up till midnite watching some stupid, predictable romance movie, Celeste in the City. Who has a name like Celeste nowadays anyways? Unless ur in France, of course. But while I was sitting there laughing at how it was just like the typical geek-gets-makeover-and-finds-true-love movie, I realized that there was something to learn there. Well, mainly the typical don't go for the first guy who pays attention to u because he may be a jerk. Which I sorta knew-ish. It was so laughable in such a movie, because it had to be the most obvious thing, and she missed it. But after what was most definitely the most stressful week of my entire life, I've decided that I better start making smarter choices.
Such as being nicer to people and not being a hypocrite. Such as stop hurting my friends by trying to hang on to people I know I shouldnt. Which I should probably do right now.Such as stop STRESSING and acting like an idiot all the time. Which will probably never be possible, but I think any sort of reduction in my pessimistic stressing would be a plus. Sometimes I wonder if I was not myself if I would be friends with me. If I was judging by this week, I would say 'not really.' So let's hope I can turn it around with one relaxing weekend. So to all my friends: so so soooo sorry for being a brat and an awful friend this week.

It's All About What's Meant to Be

It kind of sucks how things don't turn out the way you want them to. It was so depressing to come back from what was probably the best week of my life in Russia to come back to all the disappointment from colleges. I was/am so happy for everyone who got into where they wanted, for everyone who had lots of good choices and options, but I guess I couldn't help being jealous. Jealous of everyone who got into where I really wanted to go. And depressed to be left here. Depressed about how that stupid witch told me I was throwing my life away by staying here to go to CU. Depressed that my Russian buddy has not written me back even though I wrote like 2 weeks ago almost, and depressed how I can't seem to get back to that level of happiness I had there. But this week I stayed much more positive and optimistic, and not only am I so much happier now, but I realized that maybe it's just what's meant to be and that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I'm meant to not have a prom date. Maybe I'm meant to learn something from all this. Maybe staying here is what I need for myself, and looking over the mountains I've seen my whole life will somehow hem up my raw edges. I think I believe in fate, and maybe my fate's here if I just make the best of it. :)

St Petersburg

Holy smokes was Russia so much fun! In a weird way I sort of miss it there, though it is nice to be back home too. But in Russia I didn't feel all stressed out, and I could just let the happiness wash over me. It was really depressing to come back here and find out about all the disappointing colleges. St Petersburg was so pretty that I could forget about how much quicker I'm going to die from all the smoke inhalation and the cold and almost getting run over by cars. St Petersburg was all about the enthusiastic crowds, the museums, the architecture, the cool Russian accent that our guides and the Russian guys we met had, and the palaces. I must've taken a good 250 pictures. But most of them are of the architecture and palaces. Just to walk where the czars have been was so amazing. And to play in the same concert hall where Rachmaninov (sp?) and other famous composers have played was so musically gratifying, especially getting an encore and a standing o. The best two concerts I've played in my life. Not my personal playing best, as usual, but the audiences were so enthusiastic. Much better than playing in a high school auditorium for parents that are only going to see their children.
You guys would be so proud of me. I'm becoming much more self-confident, and at our party on Wednesday with the Russian band we played with, it didn't take the entire night for me to finally talk to someone for once. I mingled quite well, if I do say so myself. And I got to know more people in our band, too. So I'm not as big an outsider in the band now, which is a bit late now, but still better late than never. And I'm going to try the long distance correspondance thing with a few of the people I met and see how that works out.
I think the most disappointing thing though is how we have to go through daylight savings time AGAIN (it's a week earlier in Russia, so we already had one). And the fact that as much as I disliked my band teacher, I dislike him even more now. But oh well. I wish I could've just stayed in Russia and dealt with the gross bathrooms and smoke just so I wouldn't have to come home to all the work, but I think I would've just missed you guys too much ;)

Too loaded

Why is it that everytime we get one large thing off our plates, another new thing gets loaded back on it? Now, even breaks are stressful because there's still so much to do. I find it quite depressing. I am happy that IAs are done. But now there's case writing for state, case writing for nat quals, all that cas report junk, and last minute things for Russia. And after spring break, I don't think there are any more holidays. It sort of makes me wish I wasn't going anywhere spring break. Then I'd be able to enjoy the quiet nothingness of it. But then again, I won't be lacking in fun in Russia. Or at least I hope I won't. At least until all that jet lag sets in.

Waves

Is it possible to run out of tears? To dry yourself out for a time? I think I did last night while watching the Sisterhood. That movie hits me every time with this huge emotional wave. There are some things that come too close to my life than I'd like. Bad Day by Daniel Powter has become my new favourite song. Not because I constantly have bad days, though they could be better, but because it's just so inspirational and relaxing, and whenever I hear it, it helps me pick myself up.
I think it is so sad that sometimes, tragedy doesn't bring a disfunctional family together but just rips them further apart. It's like just when you think things relationships can't get much worse, they do. I can't believe how everything can happen all at once. There's just no break to try and prepare for the next wave. Too bad I wasn't a girl scout. I'm never prepared for anything.

Like Lena

This past month's been like a blur, like I'd rather forget about it all. If I were on a roller coaster, it's like I've been brought to a screaming halt on my way back up to the top. I can't believe how I almost lost it a couple weeks ago. I can't believe how stupid I was for trying to go out on a limb for an idiot. But at least I see that now. I just reread the Sisterhood books. I feel like Lena, minus being an artist. And the whole ravishing beauty part. But in the sense of being the quiet one, the one who never expresses her feelings. I wish I could find the same courage she did to go out and finally be able to say something to set everything straight. I know that Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind," but I feel as though if I actually say what I feel I am going to hurt people, and be left with maybe half the friends I started with.
It's not just that I'm left behind in the shuffle, I guess I'm just confused within myself, too. I feel as though I'm just forgotten, because anything I'm good at, someone's better. And I know that's just the way it's always going to be. But anything I achieve, it's a bigger thing for someone else. I guess I'm feeling jealous. Jealous at everyone for knowing who they are already while I don't, and jealous for everyone who knows how to get their own spotlight. I don't think I've figured that out yet. Maybe that should be my goal for the rest of the year.

Blargh

So...the Snowflake Shake. I honestly wonder whether my somewhat pessimistic energy came back to haunt me the other day, because I really wasn't looking forward to it. And things that I was hoping wouldn't happen, of course, did happen. Naturally. I think it was worse than homecoming. I knew my moodiness was a bad thing! All day Friday I was in one of those moody I-don't want-to-do-anything sort of moods, and I ended up watching tv the entire day pretty much, even though there was nothing on. Seriously, I ended up watching some stupid disney channel musical thing on. The disney channel. Ick.
But anyways, the moments leading up to the dance were awesome. Casablanca was the neatest experience I've had in a while. Except I'm not sure about the girls being butterflies thing. And the fact that it was a bit expensive. But it was pretty worth it in the end.

But besides getting to the dance an hour before it ended, in the first two minutes upon arriving, I saw BOTH people I really would have preferred avoiding. Just my luck, of course.

And again, the songs? Not so great. So I think I've got to agree with Rabs... prom? My only reason for going would be for that awesome double decker bus. Because prom's too much of a date thing. Blargh.

Out With the Old

As 2005 comes to a close, as well as our winter break :(, I was thinking. 2006 is the year we finally graduate, and I never thought that year would come. I remember in fifth grade, my GT teacher was writing me a note saying how she would see me graduate in 2006, and I couldn't believe how long away that was. Everything seems so long ago and yet most of it happened so quickly it's now a blur. Odd, isn't it? Even this year has seemed long, but short at the same time.

I look back at 2005, and I don't know, lots of new things happened, lots of drama and stuff, but I still feel like the same old person. I don't think I've changed much, really. I mean, I still lack common sense, I'm still feeling continually stressed out, I'm still single, and I'm still hanging out with the same people. I think year 16 was sort of boring for me. It was still lots of fun and all, but it didn't really seem all that special to me. I mean, after prom was a sort of fiasco at the beginning, and summer was a bit tense. Homecoming I had a date, but it wasn't all that spectacular, and now the year's ending! And this break I didn't get a chance to do half the stuff I wanted to. College apps ruined the entire freaking break. That and Age of Innocence. O, and the lack of snow. It's sorta hard to build a snowman without the snow.
Maybe 2006 will bring me some better luck.

Home Sweet Home

Now that I've been back for a few days, I have to say that I appreciate Colorado and all it's beauty a whole lot more. Raleigh was nice, but by the end of the 4 days I was kinda sick of all the dead trees. I'm sure they're nice in the spring when they're all blooming and all, but right now they're sorta depressing. And at night it gets a bit creepy. And Raleigh is a bit dead. I mean, there's no rush hour traffic. No hectic bumper to bumper frustration trying to get home, like there was today after I was gift shopping for my mom. And I guess North Carolina must be pretty religious, because Sunday morning everything was dead. Completely shut down.
So all in all, I know that Denver's not the most exciting city to live in, but it sure is more exciting than Raleigh. And I have realized that between lots of trees and lots of mountains, I sure as heck prefer the mountains. :) Maybe Denver's not so bad after all...

The Image

I can't believe how uptight and self-conscious I've been lately, always worried about how people see me and what they think. Like how panicked I was when I found out about those lovely little rumors. And debate. I look back at debate last week and then I was all concerned about that mean Wheat Ridge team and what I possibly did to piss her off. But now I couldn't care less... Lots of people have probably felt the same way about me as that girl did, I just haven't heard about it. There's more to life than what people think of you. Thank God.

Looking at Rohini's picture of the picnic got me thinking about this year. I think the college apps and whatnot has sorta ruined the picture, but things haven't been so bad. A lot of the things I was kind of moody about, like Homecoming, were so stupid. It makes me laugh. I was so immature to let stuff like that get to me. But I think I've learned my lesson. Reminiscing has also made me realize that I've been missing out. A month ago I was hanging out with friends on the weekends, going to late night movies. Now, I've been reduced to studying and daydreaming, even on my birthday. Ick...I do not want to be a nerd. What happened to singing at the top of my lungs to random songs, and driving around with no place in particular to go?

I think this Winter Break I'm just going to be like a kid again. I want to make snow angels and make snowmen on my front lawn with rocks hidden inside to prevent kids from kicking it down like I used to. I want to drink hot chocolate while reading and watching the snow fall... I want to live the perfect image of winter.

My Discoveries

So I was thinking today, and I've realized a lot of things recently that I should've learned a long time ago. For example:
1) When I am playing by myself in band, it could just be that I have a solo, and not the fact that I am playing in the wrong place.
2) I can hum much better than I can sing.
3) I like to sing and hum, even though I suck (I've always knew this, I just reaffirmed this today).
4) Same applies for my dancing.
5) I am one crazy driver sometimes. Tires squealing and all. And apparently I ran a red light on Thursday. Bad me.
6) I do lots of planning, but I never carry out my plans. i.e. I am a chicken. :(
7) If I don't think about being sick, I feel relatively symptom free. If I think about being sick, I'm constantly sniffling and hacking. Not good.
8) I don't care about grades as much as I used to, like in bio, which is always a good thing. Didn't do so well in the bio lab, but I'm not stressing about. And anyways, half her complaints about the order which I stapled my stuff was all her fault, considering she was the one who stapled my lab in the first place.
9) I can be a pretty big flirt sometimes. But, there lots of other people who flirt a whole lot more than I do. Which is good and bad.
10) I am completely awful with directions. Again, I always knew this, it just got reaffirmed recently. I can barely remember which direction the sun rises and sets let alone know which way is north and south on a road. I should probably work on that. But in spite of this, I haven't really been lost once. I think I'm really lucky. Always a plus. :)

The Real Me

Is it possible for me to not really know who I am yet? Sometimes I feel like I'm just an empty shell with no substance inside. Then again, I can suprise myself with what I can do. It's kind of funny. The older I get, the more confused I am. I wonder if it's the same as that one saying about how the more you know, the less you realize that you know. Or something like that.
And it makes me kind of sad, because if I don't even know myself, then I don't know if anyone else really knows me either. I mean, how can anyone know me, if I don't even know myself?

Rescue Me

I think daylight savings time is gonna save me today. It was such a relief to wake up and realize that I've got an extra hour, 'cause I need it to write my college essays, and do my physics lab, and my physics homework, and my extended essay, and so forth. I've got too many ands on my list for my liking. I've never procrastinated so much! It's quite depressing for me. But I suppose to you guys, I've just finally become normal. ;)

Fall break just wasn't as fun and relaxing as I'd hoped, what with all that homework creeping up at the back of my mind. I haven't had time to do anything that I really wanted to do non-homework-wise. I haven't practiced my flute, which is killing me right now, with All-State coming up, I haven't caught up on sleep, I haven't read anything, I haven't written any poetry, I haven't done anything! I am getting a poem published, though, in the library newletter thing.

I think instead of studying and writing essays the whole day I'm just gonna take a few hours off for some me-time, and color some pictures with my new pencil crayons. I need some creative outlet to rescue me from drowning in textbooks and papers.

The Little Things I've Learned

On my trip, I realized lots of little things, most of them being pretty stupid, naturally. For instance, most of you guys know how my fingers on my right hand creak. Well, I learned that they creak a lot more in cold weather. And that it actually hurts when I do it. Which, now that I think about it, makes a lot of sense. I also learned that a liver is a lot bigger than a lung. Another thing that I was kind of like, 'duh' afterwards, but still... I suppose sometimes I have to act like an idiot in order to remember these sort of things. Now, I also appreciate the lovely Colorado weather. And I never thought I'd be so glad to see the sun. Seriously, I never saw the sun the three days i was in Toronto. It was all cloudy and nothing but cold rain. And St. Louis was sunny, but pretty cold as well. What a relief to come back to nice, pleasant Colorado.

I'm glad to be back here, except for all the reading and unwritten college essays that are waiting for me. I wish I got back here a little sooner. I can't believe it's Thursday already! Ugh. I'm never gonna get anything done. But it was pretty nice to see everyone. My little cousin is so cute! I think he's 3, and it's nice to see that he remembers me. Sometimes I wonder whether some of my other cousins do. And unfortunately, I don't remember some of my cousins either. I haven't see one of my cousins for a good 7 years or something like that, and I doubt I'll ever be able to recognize him.
But I was really happy to see my grandfather. I don't think he's doing too well, though. He sounds like he's choking a lot.

Anyways, I brought back lots of good food from Toronto that I can share with you. Especially some good all dressed chips. I already ate a lot of them already, they are just that tasty. I brought back some chocolate, too, but not a lot. Just a bag of small Aero bars and Smarties and Coffee crisp. It's one of those Haloween bags.
And I also bought a neat clock in Chinatown. It's green and in the shape of a treble clef. You guys should see it, once I put it up.

Overall, I think my trip was pretty nice, despite the weather. I even found out that I know more Chinese than I thought I did. Well, either that or I just guess well. Or maybe both. :)

Hello from Toronto

I'm here in Toronto, freezing my butt off as usual. It's been nothing but freezing cold rain up here, but I suppose that's to be expected, considering it's Canada. It's always cold this time of year. At least it's not snowing!

I've already bought myself some good pencil crayons, and had some good food. And I bought lots of Smartees and Aero bars for you guys. And All Dressed chips for myself :)

I miss you guys lots already. I thought we were all going to hang out yesterday. Oh well. I hope we'll hang out when I get back Wednesday. Or I can call you guys or something. I found out I don't have to pay for roaming! But of course, being up here, I've had to make several long distance calls. I think my cell phone bill's gonna be expensive this month.

Hope you guys will all have lots of fun the first half of the week. Plus, you know, getting everything done, too. I still need to read East of Eden....