Random Thoughts

All this graduation business got me thinking. Thinking about where I would be if I hadn't made the choices I did, and if, given the chance, I would still make the same choices. It's weird to realize the impact of decision, one action. Last week I was looking up how to find my IB score online and came across the official IBO site, and it listed all the IB schools. And the school I would have gone to, Sir Winston Churchill, was up there too. Given the chance, I'm not sure I would do IB again, but had I stayed up in Calgary, I'm sure I would have done IB. And it was disturbing in a weird sort of way to realize that on the same days and the same time, I would have been taking the exact same tests, but a country away. Well, minus French as my language B, 'cause I doubt that'd be allowed. But you can test in Chinese. It saddens me to realize that I could've come that much closer to my roots. I always wanted to learn Cantonese, and I'm not saying that I won't, but it would've been much easier had I stayed up there. But I'm up to that challenge. Anyways, thinking about that high school up in Calgary made me remember when I was a little kid. It made me start thinking about my friends again. And lo and behold, I found one. My best friend, Paul, who is about to graduate too, from Sir Winston Churchill. But none of my other friends are there. It makes me sad that I don't know where any of them are anymore, that I didn't keep in touch. And it made me wonder what would've happen if I stayed. Would I have the same best friend? Would I have still been the popular (so weird, I know) kid in our grade? One of the smartest people? I don't know. It's interesting but pointless to think about. But it makes me wonder if I should try to get back into touch, even though I'm hopeless at penpals. Though most of these failures aren't really my fault, since I keep writing but no one answers.

Anyways, it's also so weird to realize how old we are. Most, but not all, of us are already adults. My sister is 20. It sounds like such an old, mature, age, and I suppose it does make since, but I really can't see her as that old already. I can't imagine any of us as 17, 18 year olds. Where did all the years go? I honestly can't believe we're graduating in like 5 days. I also can't believe that most of us also do not get to walk in with the rest of our class. It hasn't hit me yet that after this week, we will rarely, if ever, walk into SHHS again. Never do WAC again. I might never play the flute again. It's just weird, the things you miss. I can't believe that I'm missing band...the class everyone's constantly heard me complain about it. But I do. And I miss Mr. K's random comments about life. Because sometimes, especially once, they've come in handy. It sounds stupid, but some have them have kept me alive.

But I think I've gotten enough from Smoky Hill in four year, and I'm ready to move on and move out. Starting college is like having a clean slate, but not quite. It's like starting over, but with more knowledge to keep the good things and erase the bad. It's like a perfect slate with all your good qualities but none of your bad yet. And though it won't stay that way forever, it's nice to know that at least you're starting out that way. I like that. Maybe this time around it won't take me four years to discover myself. Maybe this time I can start out that way and be able to start from where I left off. I know it's completely cliche, but people aren't kidding when they say high school is where you find yourself. But for me, it was so true. I just wish it didn't take me so long to realize my potential. But on the positive, I'm sure glad I did.