One of those days

Today is just one of those days, those unproductive days where I feel like a bum, angry and frustrated. At what, I do not know. I tried to watch one of the movies on my summer list, but I couldn't get through it. Honestly, I don't really know why I borrowed it exactly, seeing as how it's a romance movie. And the book was long, and at times, sort of boring. I think I've got to be in the right sort of mood to watch it. My I'm-so-happy-with-life mood, which, needless to say, I definitely am not in right now. I think I've shifted into a what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-me sort of mood. But I can't put my feelings into words. I have no idea where my frustration is coming from, but I definitely felt really really irked this morning. Maybe because I felt left out as usual, I don't know. But I wish I did. I think I've lost my ability to sort things out. Or maybe, I think I've just put up a wall around myself and I'm in self-denial about things. Because honestly, half the things I think about I really have no idea if they're true or not. And everytime someone asks me a question that should be yes or no, I constantly find myself shifting towards the grey area in a matter that should be black or white.
I have come to the conclusion that this week, though fun and exciting and half over, is going to be sort of nervewracking. Eek! I can't believe we're graduating in TWO days. Holy smokes, guys.

Random Thoughts

All this graduation business got me thinking. Thinking about where I would be if I hadn't made the choices I did, and if, given the chance, I would still make the same choices. It's weird to realize the impact of decision, one action. Last week I was looking up how to find my IB score online and came across the official IBO site, and it listed all the IB schools. And the school I would have gone to, Sir Winston Churchill, was up there too. Given the chance, I'm not sure I would do IB again, but had I stayed up in Calgary, I'm sure I would have done IB. And it was disturbing in a weird sort of way to realize that on the same days and the same time, I would have been taking the exact same tests, but a country away. Well, minus French as my language B, 'cause I doubt that'd be allowed. But you can test in Chinese. It saddens me to realize that I could've come that much closer to my roots. I always wanted to learn Cantonese, and I'm not saying that I won't, but it would've been much easier had I stayed up there. But I'm up to that challenge. Anyways, thinking about that high school up in Calgary made me remember when I was a little kid. It made me start thinking about my friends again. And lo and behold, I found one. My best friend, Paul, who is about to graduate too, from Sir Winston Churchill. But none of my other friends are there. It makes me sad that I don't know where any of them are anymore, that I didn't keep in touch. And it made me wonder what would've happen if I stayed. Would I have the same best friend? Would I have still been the popular (so weird, I know) kid in our grade? One of the smartest people? I don't know. It's interesting but pointless to think about. But it makes me wonder if I should try to get back into touch, even though I'm hopeless at penpals. Though most of these failures aren't really my fault, since I keep writing but no one answers.

Anyways, it's also so weird to realize how old we are. Most, but not all, of us are already adults. My sister is 20. It sounds like such an old, mature, age, and I suppose it does make since, but I really can't see her as that old already. I can't imagine any of us as 17, 18 year olds. Where did all the years go? I honestly can't believe we're graduating in like 5 days. I also can't believe that most of us also do not get to walk in with the rest of our class. It hasn't hit me yet that after this week, we will rarely, if ever, walk into SHHS again. Never do WAC again. I might never play the flute again. It's just weird, the things you miss. I can't believe that I'm missing band...the class everyone's constantly heard me complain about it. But I do. And I miss Mr. K's random comments about life. Because sometimes, especially once, they've come in handy. It sounds stupid, but some have them have kept me alive.

But I think I've gotten enough from Smoky Hill in four year, and I'm ready to move on and move out. Starting college is like having a clean slate, but not quite. It's like starting over, but with more knowledge to keep the good things and erase the bad. It's like a perfect slate with all your good qualities but none of your bad yet. And though it won't stay that way forever, it's nice to know that at least you're starting out that way. I like that. Maybe this time around it won't take me four years to discover myself. Maybe this time I can start out that way and be able to start from where I left off. I know it's completely cliche, but people aren't kidding when they say high school is where you find yourself. But for me, it was so true. I just wish it didn't take me so long to realize my potential. But on the positive, I'm sure glad I did.

I feel like kicking something. Good and hard. Anything. Well, anything except a bucket, of course. Sigh. Years from now when Im a doctor, I'm gonna go and rub it in Wash U's face. I keep playing Bad Day and Better Days. They make me feel so much better.

Breaking through the layers

I think all my energy's dried up. I don't know what's happened to me. I'm too lazy to even write in my journal. I haven't written in it since like December. Not good.
I'm so thankful for my sister. Since she came home yesterday I've been blessfully reminded of why it's so nice to have a sibling, especially an older one. And not just because she can take the load off me washing dishes and washing the rice and petty stuff like that. No, she's always there to talk to, which is good especially now that I've become too lazy to write in my journal. Because I know more than anyone know how dangerous it can be to hold things in. Yesterday we were watching Numbers together and instead of paying attention we just sat there talking and stuff. About everything. Everything and anything. It was such a nice feeling, to crack through a layer of myself and feel fresh again. I miss that, having a sister to talk to whenever. It made me realize that no matter how close you are to home, it's still different. I've realized that staying here for college is still a new experience, cause we're gonna be a whole lot more independent. I'm excited for that, but a bit worried, too. I don't know how to handle that extra responsibility though. But I do think it'll be nice to break out of another layer of my shell. I don't think I do that often enough, and maybe one day I'll hatch out completely as one awesome person. We'll have to see.

Counting the Days

I was listening to one of my favorite songs, Counting the Days, and I realized that I've been counting the days too, but until graduation. Until we're done. 10 school days til we get out of school. 3 weeks til graduation. And that's it. And to be honest, that makes me so excited, but it also scares the heck out of me. Because when I go to college, I'm not going to see my friends, the best friends that saw me through middle and high school. Who were always there for me. I'm scared we're going to drift apart. I'm scared that we've already begun to drift apart, and I don't want that to happen. We always pictured years ago that we'd be friends forever, even to adulthood. But I feel as though I've slowly floated away from our group, and I want to find a way back in. I don't think I've had one of those long chats about what's going on in our lives that used to be so frequent with some people in probably years. I don't want to be out of the loop anymore, and with each day, I feel as though I'm getting more and more disconnected. I don't want to count the days anymore until I find my connection again.

The Smart Choices

Last weekend I stayed up till midnite watching some stupid, predictable romance movie, Celeste in the City. Who has a name like Celeste nowadays anyways? Unless ur in France, of course. But while I was sitting there laughing at how it was just like the typical geek-gets-makeover-and-finds-true-love movie, I realized that there was something to learn there. Well, mainly the typical don't go for the first guy who pays attention to u because he may be a jerk. Which I sorta knew-ish. It was so laughable in such a movie, because it had to be the most obvious thing, and she missed it. But after what was most definitely the most stressful week of my entire life, I've decided that I better start making smarter choices.
Such as being nicer to people and not being a hypocrite. Such as stop hurting my friends by trying to hang on to people I know I shouldnt. Which I should probably do right now.Such as stop STRESSING and acting like an idiot all the time. Which will probably never be possible, but I think any sort of reduction in my pessimistic stressing would be a plus. Sometimes I wonder if I was not myself if I would be friends with me. If I was judging by this week, I would say 'not really.' So let's hope I can turn it around with one relaxing weekend. So to all my friends: so so soooo sorry for being a brat and an awful friend this week.