Yesterday was Match Day for all fourth year medical students across the nation. It's an exciting event: everyone tears open their envelopes, frantically reading the paper inside which will tell you your future- where you will spend the next 3-5 years and in what specialty.
I'm proud to say one of my best friends matched to the place she wanted and I'm so happy for her. Most of the other M4s I have met here on rotations also successfully matched as well, and it's heartening to see. Even one couple that did not couples match ended up miraculously in the same place. I think it's fate. And that's also encouraging to see. Not that I really want to get ahead of myself as I tend to do quite often, but the possibility is there that I would be in a similar position- matching without couples matching and keeping fingers crossed. But who knows what will happen in a year.
Everyone's all excited to match in a year, but honestly for me, it's quickly becoming a huge source of anxiety. My exam score is not where it should be and it's actually looking like it may limit where I want to apply, which is devastating because some of them were places I really wanted to go. I keep telling myself I will definitely match, and while I feel like I should be able to, I don't know if I'll be able to go where I want. And if I do, will I match to the same location as my friends? It's a little daunting, and right now I don't really know much of anything about applying for next year and even how to set up my fourth year schedule. I think I've been almost blindly applying for electives with only a vague plan and keeping my fingers crossed. Unfortunately I think I'm pretty lucky overall, but sometimes for the big things I want it doesn't always come through for me. My friend on the other hand, says that he's really lucky when it counts for the big things, and lucky pretty much all other times. I think that's pretty awesome though, bely cause for serious things like this, a little luck on your side never hurt.
I'm truly hoping I can relax a little and keep things under control because right now there's a lot of things to be done: find a new place and clean/move out and into said new place, apply for electives, apply for residency, buy my books, get all my paperwork done....ugh. And the hilarious but sad thing about just having finished psychiatry is that it makes me feel like I've got personality disorders or a plethora of anxiety or panic disorders. Realistically I know it's not true, but with every decision or upsetting emotion I feel I think- do I need a benzo? Or SSRI? And then the brain in me cringes at my med school hypochondriasis.
Match day in T-363 days. And then at least one chapter of worrying can close before an entirely new one opens.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Guilty Pleasures
I got off early (again) from psych because....well, it's psych and although it's one week til final exam time and so I should be cramming since I have slacked like no other, but I decided to take some time for myself and de-stress a bit since this week I've been crazy anxious. Since one roommate is currently at home and the other is on call, I had a rare late afternoon where I had the place to myself and so I could crank up the volume and not bother anyone. I hit up YouTube and shut my door and had a solo dance session in my room for a half hour. It's been so long that I've been out and danced and it's one of the several things I like to do every once and I while, but am so self conscious that it's gotta be at a bar where it's dark and everybody is pretty much preoccupied with themselves (and the bit of good ole EtOH to help loosen up a bit doesn't hurt either) or at home by myself where nobody is around to see me move around like an idiot. And with roommates or even living by myself in an apartment complex with thin walls, it's hard to really crank up the volume to dance around because I'm not really a fan of headphones or sing aloud to my favorite songs.
That's also part of the reason why although I dislike driving especially here in Chicago where drivers are just plain crazy, I don't mind being alone in the car. Because that's one of the few places where I can sing along to the radio, loudly and out of tune and with only knowing a fourth of the lyrics. When I stop to self-analyze, I realize I can figure out how I'm feeling just by how much I'm singing in the car. When I'm feeling down, I'm not singing. If the drive is stressful and I've got two hands clenched on the wheel, I'm not singing. But when I'm feeling happy again, the singing comes out in all it's off-tune glory. Of course, that only happens when I'm happy and alone in the car. Because I'm sure no passenger or driver would appreciate the warblings of a happy med student.
That's also part of the reason why although I dislike driving especially here in Chicago where drivers are just plain crazy, I don't mind being alone in the car. Because that's one of the few places where I can sing along to the radio, loudly and out of tune and with only knowing a fourth of the lyrics. When I stop to self-analyze, I realize I can figure out how I'm feeling just by how much I'm singing in the car. When I'm feeling down, I'm not singing. If the drive is stressful and I've got two hands clenched on the wheel, I'm not singing. But when I'm feeling happy again, the singing comes out in all it's off-tune glory. Of course, that only happens when I'm happy and alone in the car. Because I'm sure no passenger or driver would appreciate the warblings of a happy med student.
Sunday, March 09, 2014
Little Sister
I am proud to say that my older sister and I have a great relationship. Sure it's not perfect and I definitely don't spill all my beans, but we definitely enjoy our time together, taking each other out to lunch, going shopping and playing through Lego Harry Potter and Star Wars. It's probably more therapeutic and healthy than our previous bouts of "sister bonding," which was playing fighting games, trying to beat the crap out of each other.
But like all things, being the little sister has its pros and cons, especially when my sibling is the same gender. Not only is my older sister only a couple of years older than me, but we also look similar and being in IB, we took pretty much the same classes in high school and had the same teachers. I'm sure teachers never meant any negativity or anything by it, but every year at least one teacher would start off with something to the effect of, "Oh you're Tiffany's little sister? She was so nice and such a good student!" Over the years I think it ended up making me work that much harder, just to get out from my sister's shadow. As much as I love being "Tiffany's little sister," I wanted my own identity and to be known for just being me. It's the same thing in any relationship too. In any of my group of friends I don't want to just be "so and so's girlfriend," I want my independence and identity and sometimes I think I go a little overboard in trying to establish that. But I digress. Anyhoo, being the second Chow at my high school made me try to make a name for myself and I tried to throw myself into other clubs and work even harder in class. Although I think a large part of why I was successful in high school was just my personality, I do believe at least a minor part of it is a result of constantly being compared to my sister.
Of course being the youngest has a lot of perks too, more than the cons. She paved the way rule-wise for me in high school, letting me "enjoy my youth" a little more than she did. At least, when I was allowed to go to after-prom I didn't set off our house alarm. And when I eventually started dating it was less of a fight, because she had already done it.
Most of all though, I appreciate having someone to look up to and having an extra person look out for me. Sure, sometimes I feel like I have a second mom when she's disapproving of some of my wilder college ways, but it's nice to have her care. I think being so close in age and having so many similar interests help (which is probably a result of me following her and doing so many things together that I just ended up loving what she does). But my sister is very protective and loving and it's nice to have that. I think while reading the Hunger Games trilogy I (spoiler alert!) was so disappointed when Prim died. I think it's because even though she was not in the series much, the little we learned of her character I identified with her: a little weaker at first glance but towards the end she ended up being a lot stronger and more capable than you would previously imagine. And she had a very protective older sister, ready to do anything for her. I'm not sure Tiff would take my place if I was called into a vicious kill or be killed battle, but I know she would pretty much do anything for me, and I would do the same for her.
Truthfully my sister and I didn't really fight much growing up, and having someone to look up to, to talk and play with and even share clothes with was one of the best things I could ask for, even if it made me study a little harder because of her :)
But like all things, being the little sister has its pros and cons, especially when my sibling is the same gender. Not only is my older sister only a couple of years older than me, but we also look similar and being in IB, we took pretty much the same classes in high school and had the same teachers. I'm sure teachers never meant any negativity or anything by it, but every year at least one teacher would start off with something to the effect of, "Oh you're Tiffany's little sister? She was so nice and such a good student!" Over the years I think it ended up making me work that much harder, just to get out from my sister's shadow. As much as I love being "Tiffany's little sister," I wanted my own identity and to be known for just being me. It's the same thing in any relationship too. In any of my group of friends I don't want to just be "so and so's girlfriend," I want my independence and identity and sometimes I think I go a little overboard in trying to establish that. But I digress. Anyhoo, being the second Chow at my high school made me try to make a name for myself and I tried to throw myself into other clubs and work even harder in class. Although I think a large part of why I was successful in high school was just my personality, I do believe at least a minor part of it is a result of constantly being compared to my sister.
Of course being the youngest has a lot of perks too, more than the cons. She paved the way rule-wise for me in high school, letting me "enjoy my youth" a little more than she did. At least, when I was allowed to go to after-prom I didn't set off our house alarm. And when I eventually started dating it was less of a fight, because she had already done it.
Most of all though, I appreciate having someone to look up to and having an extra person look out for me. Sure, sometimes I feel like I have a second mom when she's disapproving of some of my wilder college ways, but it's nice to have her care. I think being so close in age and having so many similar interests help (which is probably a result of me following her and doing so many things together that I just ended up loving what she does). But my sister is very protective and loving and it's nice to have that. I think while reading the Hunger Games trilogy I (spoiler alert!) was so disappointed when Prim died. I think it's because even though she was not in the series much, the little we learned of her character I identified with her: a little weaker at first glance but towards the end she ended up being a lot stronger and more capable than you would previously imagine. And she had a very protective older sister, ready to do anything for her. I'm not sure Tiff would take my place if I was called into a vicious kill or be killed battle, but I know she would pretty much do anything for me, and I would do the same for her.
Truthfully my sister and I didn't really fight much growing up, and having someone to look up to, to talk and play with and even share clothes with was one of the best things I could ask for, even if it made me study a little harder because of her :)
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