I recently read a slightly ridiculous article talking about dating a girl vs. dating a woman. But one of the points made was about a girl seeing in black and white whereas a woman understands that there are shades of gray. And that I have to agree with, although I don't like it.
I unfortunately think I'm still in the girl category in this area. I've come to realize how everything is in the gray area, and it's how much white and how much black and how much you care about the gradient that affects everything. I wish things were clear. This is right. This is wrong. No ifs, ands, or buts. But pretty much nothing is clear cut. Murder is wrong. But what if you killed someone in the heat of the moment who was definitely going to kill you or someone you loved? Yes, legally that's not murder but someone still died because of your actions. Is that wrong? Good question. Gray area ahead!
But moral dilemmas aside, the world is always in some shade of gray, and it's frustrating. Call me immature, but right now in this point of my life I prefer living in the girl world. I want the easy decisions. This is what you should do and should not. Getting out of a relationship after 5 years has definitely not been easy. But even that has been full of the hard questions. What went wrong? Is there even a who's right and who's wrong? Is this something worth fighting for? I have no idea anymore.
One of the physicians said that as doctors, we get paid to make the hard decisions. The ones where the diagnosis isn't certain and definitely not black and white. At the time it didn't bother me, but now after 6 months in the hospitals, I see the weight of those decisions. I've had the unfortunate experience of having a patient I was seeing every day pass away and watch some of the residents wonder if we made the right decisions in his care along the way. I think growing up means seeing the world not as black and white anymore and coming to terms with that. It does make me miss the carefree days of a few years back, when in undergrad I still had that invincible feeling, where responsibilities were present but few. Being officially in my mid-twenties now definitely puts me in the adult category. It has its perks, but I'm still trying to deal with the not-so-fun responsibilities. Just as long as the murky unknown doesn't play out like a certain awkward "romance" novel- although I don't know how any of that premise could truly end up happening in real life- I guess it's golden.
2 comments:
i just started reading your blog, and i already love how you make comparisons of your personal life to your medical school life.
i like what you said about black and white versus gray areas. it's so much harder to make those kinds of decisions as we grow up because there is a higher risk of losing something or more at stake. but i also think that that part of growing up helps us significantly. we learn so much from making those hard decisions, but the hardest part is not to dwell on them and think, "what if...?"
oh, it's teesa btw :)
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