Ahem. Long-winded melodramatic depression ahead!
Well. There's really no other way to say it except I really f*ed up. It was sort of confirmation of one of my fears- that I am a selfish person. Relationships are supposed to be a give and take balance, and I think it's about putting the other person first. And it's a concept I have forgotten for a while. Relationships are never easy, but long-distance makes it so much more difficult. I would rarely use skype and all the other new tech gadgets that should make long-distance relationships easier. A five year relationship ended, and it wasn't until yesterday that I really understood why. And it's one of those face-palming instances where I can't believe I was so stupid and didn't see what I was doing. I have no idea how it took me so long to see how selfish I was. I would mostly complain about my day and the daily stresses during each phone call without really listening to him and his life. I've done the listening without really taking it all in, which I've seen and experienced with others this year, and it's annoying. I don't know how he could stand it for so long. I got so wrapped up in studying and the draining life of the hospital I put in virtually no effort into our relationship, and my poor significant other gave up trying to make me see our downward spiral. And now of course, it's too late to fix or start over. I haven't given him a reason to want to start over.
It's frustrating to experience the classic case of "you never know what you have until it's gone." And I know I did this to myself. What's also frustrating is looking at the road I've traveled the past 6 months during the start of my third year and seeing how I got here. I understand how I became so selfish- the hours at the hospital are spent in a near-constant panic of trying to impress everyone around me, and learn as much as I can, and of course, attempt to help patients and make the physician's lives easier. Being at the bottom of the medical hierarchy is not easy. Every time I have an understanding and patient patient (hehe patient patient!) I am so incredibly grateful, and thankfully this is the more common situation. But the few that do nothing but complain and yell ruin things for me. I was almost reduced to tears by one particular person who was upset with the care he was getting and the fact that I was not allowed to relinquish my notes. Getting yelled at and being called nothing but "medical student" all day has made me frustrated and angry, and occasionally bitter. It's made me rethink my career choice more than once. And the sad thing is that I can see the change it's made in some of my friends and classmates too. I've seen some of my most mild-mannered friends start swearing and cussing while recalling some of the unfair situations they have been thrust into. I can relate, and the frustrations are warranted, but it's surprising to see the shift in personalities after a mere five months.
Now don't get me wrong. As much as I complain, I do most of the time enjoy what I am doing. Talking to patients and trying to manage patient health is interesting and rewarding. I do think that I like what I am doing once I start to get the hang of things. I just sometimes question whether it is worth all the stress and tears and the strain it has put on my social life and sanity, especially when I have patients and other physicians yelling at me for things out of my control. As a highly anxious person sometimes I wonder if my heart is going to give out by the age of 50 or something from all the stress.
But with the second semester starting, I think that the worst of the rotations are behind me and I can move forward. And understanding my many faults now, I can only hope that I remember this all in the distant future and not repeat my mistakes. I just wish the cost wasn't so high.
On a completely unrelated note, to make this not seem quite so depressing and melodramatic, does this new Gucci logo thing look like the Batman sign to anyone else?
courtesy of Google
Ok, scratch that, somebody else has made the connection:
(also courtesy of Google images, cheezburger.com)
Glad I'm not totally insane. Yet :) I really don't get perfume or cologne ads.
One of the nice things obviously about coming home for the holidays is seeing family. Not just because of the terrific food, although that could be a main reason all by itself, but because of the hilarious things that comes up when my family and I talk about random things.
A couple of days ago was one such occasion. My sister was telling me about a trip she took with my parents to DC and Pittsburgh, and she mentioned not being able to take a picture of Fonzie's jacket. I, of course, was clueless. Who the heck is Fonzie? I asked my sister just that, and said I thought it was a muppet. (I was, by the way, thinking of the muppet Fozzie, who naturally my mom didn't recognize). My mom was highly shocked, and told me he was Henry Winkler. "Who's that? Is he an actor?" I asked. My mom replied with an indignant "Of course!" She then, tech savvy mom that she is, immediately pulled up a picture on her iPad. My sister and I don't recognize him though.
Another generation gap episode occurred yesterday while my sister and I were trying to do Sunday's King crossword puzzle. One of the clues was " _____ loves Chachi." I figured it out based on the movie Dodgeball, because at some point Ben Stiller mocks one of the other people (sorry, can't remember who- I think it was the Russian lady and the really shy guy) saying "Joanie loves Chachi!" Mom had no idea what Dodgeball was, but she did remember some spinoff of Happy Days, one of those old TV sitcoms that my sister and I have never watched. Definitely a bit of a generation gap between my mom and me and my sister, but it makes for interesting crossword puzzles and conversation starters. :)
I recently read a slightly ridiculous article talking about dating a girl vs. dating a woman. But one of the points made was about a girl seeing in black and white whereas a woman understands that there are shades of gray. And that I have to agree with, although I don't like it.
I unfortunately think I'm still in the girl category in this area. I've come to realize how everything is in the gray area, and it's how much white and how much black and how much you care about the gradient that affects everything. I wish things were clear. This is right. This is wrong. No ifs, ands, or buts. But pretty much nothing is clear cut. Murder is wrong. But what if you killed someone in the heat of the moment who was definitely going to kill you or someone you loved? Yes, legally that's not murder but someone still died because of your actions. Is that wrong? Good question. Gray area ahead!
But moral dilemmas aside, the world is always in some shade of gray, and it's frustrating. Call me immature, but right now in this point of my life I prefer living in the girl world. I want the easy decisions. This is what you should do and should not. Getting out of a relationship after 5 years has definitely not been easy. But even that has been full of the hard questions. What went wrong? Is there even a who's right and who's wrong? Is this something worth fighting for? I have no idea anymore.
One of the physicians said that as doctors, we get paid to make the hard decisions. The ones where the diagnosis isn't certain and definitely not black and white. At the time it didn't bother me, but now after 6 months in the hospitals, I see the weight of those decisions. I've had the unfortunate experience of having a patient I was seeing every day pass away and watch some of the residents wonder if we made the right decisions in his care along the way. I think growing up means seeing the world not as black and white anymore and coming to terms with that. It does make me miss the carefree days of a few years back, when in undergrad I still had that invincible feeling, where responsibilities were present but few. Being officially in my mid-twenties now definitely puts me in the adult category. It has its perks, but I'm still trying to deal with the not-so-fun responsibilities. Just as long as the murky unknown doesn't play out like a certain awkward "romance" novel- although I don't know how any of that premise could truly end up happening in real life- I guess it's golden.
