This, plus the fact that I suspect I have some anxiety problems could make for a somewhat rough 2 months. I'm sure that everyone is anxious to some degree, no matter what they do, and it is probable that in medical school this is heightened. We're supposed to be learning how to make decisions that are affecting the well-being of people's lives, and there will be times in our careers where these will be life and death decisions. Obviously I'm just starting out so I don't have the experience needed, but there have been times in the ED where I chalked up someone's illness as something mild and they actually ended up having something much more serious. To say whoops would be an understatement. I know that as the months and years go by of learning these will be things to pick up on, but it still scares me. I'm not sure I can deal with that pressure, which is sort of silly because I knew going into school that that's what I would be choosing to do for the next 40 years. Just a mere 5 years ago I was excited, looking forward to it. Now that I see what it's like, I'm not so sure. I have to admit, sometimes I long for being back in pokey North Chicago where driving isn't intense, learning out of the classroom amidst all my friends. It was safer. I do like seeing the patients-if I didn't then I would definitely be in the wrong profession- but I'm still almost constantly confused. Normal, I know, but it still bugs me.
I'm not trying to say I wish I didn't go to medical school or I no longer want to become a physician. I think it's more along the lines of me looking a little far ahead and realizing that in 2 years, I will start having more and more responsibility, and I will be calling some shots in the near future. It's cool but frightening. And then cue in the anxiety.
I think I've always been an anxious person by nature. I freak out at the smallest things- spending hours planning and re-planning even simple tasks such as running to the store for groceries, or when to check my tire pressure for the 10th time because I ran over a small pothole. I don't think I handle pressure well. I am proud of the fact that I've managed to hold it together in some high pressure situations for me- boards (although I suspect it did play a significant role in my performance, but oh well), presenting to attendings and the like. Is this something I should see a doctor about? Probably. But unfortunately I've left it too long and now there's no time. I was too cheap to consider throwing out 20 bucks a week for "therapy". And I would probably be lying to myself if I said I wasn't embarrassed about it either. I do think though that most people at some point in their lives goes through a bout of depression, or extreme stress or anxiety in which they needed a helping hand and then they can go about their happy way.
I'm just trying to stay positive, not let things fester- hence blogging it out, and I've decided to head off to Barnes and Noble (plus it will include exercise! Endorphins always help to!) and take a look at some books/workbooks I saw via googling. I don't think I have a clinical anxiety disorder but I still think some help would be beneficial- especially because I think the next 8 weeks will be scary as hell. I'm trying not to be so negative about the upcoming rotation, but I've heard enough horror stories to be wary. But I was scared about emed too, and starting out in general and everything turned out fine, so hopefully with the right attitude things will fall into place this time too. On the plus side, I will be with some of my good friends- for the first time, so that should make things easier too. I think having good friends to talk to and help along the way is key, and I've been missing that so far. This weekend was the first time I had seen some of my friends in two months, and we had plenty of catching up to do. I believe it helps to stay sane. That and sleep of course.
I've realized that so far, most of these blogs have been my worries and fears of rotations. It's good to get them off my chest, but I think I shall have to strive to remember the positive as well. I actually don't think I'm a very negative person in general, I think it's just been a little more difficult for me to adjust. The leap between 2nd and 3rd year was pretty large for me. But I do have more fun times that I should probably stick in writing so that I can remember them. My memory is notoriously poor. That shall be for another time, or else I'll never get to brunch with the roomies. :)
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