And so it begins....

Well, we are 4 hours away from July 1, the official start of rotations. I'm sitting in my new apartment, listening  to Howie Day, courtesy of a very loud Lincoln Park Music Festival and very thin walls. Lucky for me I only have a very chill orientation day tomorrow and I'm not hitting the hospitals yet. That's for Tuesday, so one more day to sweat it out. To say I'm nervous would kind of be an understatement, but honestly, in some ways it still hasn't even hit me yet that we're semi-heading out into the real world. No more classrooms, no more lots of free-time-and-afternoons-but-truly-we-should-be-studying. Not even weekends off anymore. It's a scary thought that probably won't hit me until 8am Tuesday when I'm standing in the hospital in my white coat with my pockets weighed down with so much crap for those "just in case" moments of panic, which will probably be 4 times an hour.
I have to admit, the scariest thing about it is going in not knowing whether or not I even passed boards. That, and the fact that starting with a four week rotation means no wiggle room, no slacking at all. Hit the ground running is essential, and yet I feel so lost. I don't know what books to use, I don't know where anything is, including the hospital, and it's a scary thought to be more responsible for real patients 6 days a week, instead of the previous 4 days out of an entire school year. It's quite the balance shift.
But for better or worse, in 12 hours M3 year begins.

I'm Alive! I think

Day 1 post-boards...It's an odd feeling. Originally I thought I'd feel just like the son in the Incredibles when he yells out, "I'm alive! Woohoo!" when the baddies are chasing him and he makes so much noise he attracts the baddies' attention. I thought I'd feel so relieved coming out of the exam, but to be honest, I feel sort of...well, scared. The worrier in me is panicked that I didn't pass, or didn't at least hit average (which is, unfortunately, about 35pts above the pass mark). The test was pretty hard, actually a harder than I sort of expected. I mean, I knew it would be a difficult exam, of course, but usually on the practice questions I would have more questions where I felt like I definitely knew the answer. Yesterday I hate to admit that feeling didn't come up nearly as often as I would have liked. And I feel like exam day jitters got the best of me. I remember yesterday, half the time i was like, wtf is this?? And then this morning I woke up at 6 and basically was like duh, Kel. That's what it is. Whoops. 

I know it's no good to dwell on it b/c it's not like I can change my answers or do anything to improve my score now, and it'll be about 4-8weeks before I even find out how I did, so worrying for that time will probably literally kill me b/c in my distracted state I'd probably walk into a car or something, and I've got rotations coming up now. So I'm trying to sit and relax, which for me is never easy. Suppression!

The one thing that I will definitely not miss is the constant level of panic studying, and feeling like I should be studying every minute of every day. The past few months have been hell, and I will admit, it's nice being lazy. Still have to pack up today and clean and do lots of errands with my one free day, but it's a good feeling to not be studying, and cramming as many random facts into my head as possible. Yep, that is bliss. I can read and watch as much tv as I want! For today at least. But it's better than nothing. And I can finally walk outside in normal summer gear of a t-shirt! And maybe even shorts! The library has been like a refrigerator, and yesterday for the exam I dressed like it was winter. I had on a tank top, a sweater, and a hoodie. And tights and sweatpants. I get cold so freaking easily, it's miserable. But finally, the sun is actually peeking out, which has actually been a little rare this summer, and I can actually enjoy!

And, best part of all, time to learn how to play a drumset :) Hellloo summer