The Healing Process

It's late, so late that it's now the tomorrow I was thinking about a few hours ago. It's only one, but I haven't been up this late in a while, doing nothing but thinking, but it's doing me some good. At least I'd like to think so. Perhaps i'm finally healing.

Two and a half hours later,I'm finally able to breathe normally. My nose is not so plugged up anymore so that I don't need to breathe through my mouth with loud sighs. I had no idea that I might be allergic to cats. Lesson learned. And maybe one I will actually remember, no less.

I just finished reading The Truth About Forever, just to see what the hype was. I think it's going on my list of healing books. True, it's got that sappy romance bit to it, but it's good in the sense that I can relate to parts of it, and that's what makes any book good. And it's gonna help me sew up parts of myself that have been coming undone. It's given me that feel good feeling, and also that feeling like I need to do something to fix my life so that I don't go through the same motions that I just read about. Like it's time to break down a wall. That, and letting loose to someone on a sidewalk late at night for half an hour have done me loads and loads of good. I was reading my finished journal recently, and i realized just how miserable I was freshman year. How I never let loose to anyone back then. I have no freaking clue how I survived. Not a healthy thing to do anymore. Just talking, venting, sharing stories and guessing at how to help each other has made me realize how lucky I am to have people to let it all out to. Sure, I've got one of those deep panicky feelings growing, looking at what I need to do tomorrow..er, today, but I know eventually it'll all be better. Taking one step backward to take two steps forward. I know I'm probably going to hurt before I feel better again. But I know that this is just one of life's little lessons. Because I didn't learn it the first time. I think this is my reminder to never forget, since it's much harder the second time around. But this time i think i've got it right. Hopefully.

I've been listening to Panic! At the Disco's "I write sins, not tragedies", and I keep thinking about the part that goes something about closing the God damn doorknob, and for some reason it keeps sticking with me. I think this year I've reopened a door that I should've kept closed one too many times, and another time someone else opened it. But I think this time, I've closed it for sure. Cemented it shut, really. I really messed it up before, but I think I've gotten my priorities and my feelings all straightened out. And man, it's a huge load off.

It's kind of weird how fast feelings change, about stuff. Like when you discover that you don't like something you used to love, and you wonder when that happened. Or when you realized that people you were friends with long ago have become simply 'acquaintances' or simply someone u used to know. Even with my clothes. I was at Old Navy today, and I bought a skirt. A mini skirt, too, no less. And tonight, after walking in my door at 10:30, I was wondering why I had bought it. To impress people? To look 'cute'? Why? I mean, i don't think I've ever possessed a jean skirt, or a skirt that goes above my knees. And honestly, I have no idea why I wanted such a radical change from my usual jeans.

I think the big thing, the main thing behind it all, was that this summer didn't start the way i had wanted it to. Kind of like in Truth About Forever, I think I wanted things to start out perfect, even though perfect is unachievable. But spending half the night during the grad party looking at the stars,and reading books and watching good movies and doing nothing but talking, venting, thinking has really opened my eyes. And I'm not going to close them again.