This past month's been like a blur, like I'd rather forget about it all. If I were on a roller coaster, it's like I've been brought to a screaming halt on my way back up to the top. I can't believe how I almost lost it a couple weeks ago. I can't believe how stupid I was for trying to go out on a limb for an idiot. But at least I see that now. I just reread the Sisterhood books. I feel like Lena, minus being an artist. And the whole ravishing beauty part. But in the sense of being the quiet one, the one who never expresses her feelings. I wish I could find the same courage she did to go out and finally be able to say something to set everything straight. I know that Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind," but I feel as though if I actually say what I feel I am going to hurt people, and be left with maybe half the friends I started with.
It's not just that I'm left behind in the shuffle, I guess I'm just confused within myself, too. I feel as though I'm just forgotten, because anything I'm good at, someone's better. And I know that's just the way it's always going to be. But anything I achieve, it's a bigger thing for someone else. I guess I'm feeling jealous. Jealous at everyone for knowing who they are already while I don't, and jealous for everyone who knows how to get their own spotlight. I don't think I've figured that out yet. Maybe that should be my goal for the rest of the year.
1 comment:
i'm not sure, but i think i've been feeling the way you have. like things are almost fading. it's like you think you've got something, but then you don't. man that sounded dumb.
anyways, i have to say i agree with dr. seuss. any friend who leaves because of something you say was never truly your friend. its something you have to come to terms with. it'll feel like crap cuz you might lose someone you care about. but the truth is, the important people, the people who truly care about you, who truly love you, will talk to you, and try to understand.
to be honest, kelsey, i'm jealous too. i think, on a level, we all are. its weird, really. cuz here i am jealous of someone for some reason or other, and they're probably sitting there, equally jealous of me. we all want what the other has. but as jealous as you get, would you want it any other way? do you see yourself as anyone other than kelsey?
i think you have your own spotlight, kelsey. you just don't realize it. you don't shine in the obvious ways, in the in your face ways. but that's not a bad thing cuz you shine in your own ways. screw what everyone else thinks. you're important to the people who love you. your in my spotlight kelsey.
so, i'm not sure if any of that helps or makes you feel better. but give me a call sometime. i feel like we haven't talked in a while. peace, love and happiness, kels.
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