Today was just one of those days where it's kinda gloomy outside, but I love it. I had a lot of time to sit and think about everything. I don't know, it was a bit depressing. Summer's a week away from being over, and looking back, in some ways it seriously sucked, yet in some ways I was at peace for probably the first time I can remember in a while. Everything this summer's a rush. Rush of time, rush of emotions, rush of thoughts. Feeling confused, worried, betrayed, and angry are somewhere at the top, along with feeling upset with myself and feeling guilty. I know I hurt people these two months, and people have hurt me. I would say one of those heartfelt 'I'm sorry's' but I don't know how and for what. Sometimes, I wish I could just start over, back at the beginning and start fresh. Today I asked myself what I've done with my life, what I've accomplished. And the answer is not much, really.
I hate feeling this way. I mean, I don't feel upset with life really, just angry at myself. I've been left out and invisible for so long, I don't know how to come out anymore.
3 comments:
I think maybe a lot of us feel like we're at the point where we have to join up with everyone, like we've all been left out. There's just this odd, nagging feeling that I'm thinking might be bugging all of us right now. It seems like there's no other explanation for that strange atmosphere surrounding conversations I've had with all of you, blog entries, silences, etc. Does it make sense if I say that that feeling might be discomfort? I'm not sure, but after all of what's happened this summer, all that had to do with everyone, I think we've each been left with our own discomfort because of all of the inner confusion. For the most part, I think this summer has been one where all of us had to back off and focus on ourselves. It's been personal in so many ways for everyone, and even though we've had each other around during it to talk and laze and all of that, it's still been kinda private overall, you know?
And even though it seems like something's wrong with this whole downcast mood we're in, there's no need to feel angry about it. Don't be angry with yourself, Kelsey. I think all of us have a lot to be proud of ourselves for. And I don't think we should look at it as if we need to make things right all of sudden.
I think we've been in the process of doing that all along.
Kels Kels,
Reading that made me feel sort of blue. I know a lot of us have been down lately because this summer wasn't exactly what we expected it to be and this year isn't looking very promising. But it's something we're all gonna have to deal with. I kind of know what your feeling and sometimes I wish I could start over too. It would make life a whole lot simpler. But eventually things will become disordered again and we'll end up back where we started. Life wasn't made to be simple. If we just started over every time things got tough we'd never move forward in life, but rather circle through time.
Kelsey, you've got a long list of accomplishments to your name. I'm not going to sit here and list them because I'm sure you already know them. And even if you don't feel as though you've accomplished anything up until this point, you still have years and years ahead of you to do something you'll be proud of. I feel as though I've been saying this a lot lately, but we're all only 17 (in your case, 16). I mean, it's good to be thinking about things like this because some people end up coming to such realizations when it's too late to do anything about it. But we all still have time. Loads and loads of time. If we don't like who we are today, we can change who we are tomorrow. If we don't like the world today, we can change the world for tomorrow. I strongly believe that people underestimate the powers they have. When we feel emotions, when we have thoughts, we can express them. We can do something about them.
There's no reason to be angry at yourself, Kelsey, because you haven't done anything wrong. You still have time to be who you want to be, to do what you want to do. And there will be people along the way who can help you. But you have to take that leap of faith with your friends, Kelsey. You have to share with us what you feel, what you want. You're not invisible. Just a bit overshadowed. And you can always step out of the shadows.
I'm not sure if I fully understand what you're feeling or if any of what I wrote will help. But I want you to know that I'm always here when you need me. I love you, Kelsey.
I'm stupid so I won't even attempt to try and follow those great comments.
But Kelsey we are all here and we're all together, and I'm definately here for you. Call whenever you want to talk...more often than not we're usually in the same boat.
Love ya!
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