Laughter is Good for the Soul

I should most definitely be finishing my extended essay, but I'd rather ramble first. Yesterday was such an awesome English class, and I'm not just talking about the fact that we didn't have an in class essay. I was in Such a bad mood yesterday. I'm talking about being bitter and angry and frustrated, the works. But come fourth period, Mr. Ady and his dramatic explanations of the lit terms and all the laughter, I just couldn't help laughing and smiling too. It was infectious, really. I can't believe English, of all classes, can do that to me. After all, I've pretty much hated that class since 8th grade, but I'm actually excited. I think I'm gonna finally learn a lot. At least now I know the difference between a bunch of terms, finally sort of understand what a paradox is, and will hopefully take a lot less time to fully understand things than understanding leitmotifs last year, which took me 3/4 the year. Laughter is definitely the best way to cure bad moods. So is cranking up the loud music that outlines exactly how you feel and jumping around, which I also admittedly did in between doing Bio homework last night.

Today was an interesting day too, in terms of luck. To get my name drawn out of the basket during class meeting was undoubtedly pretty lucky. So I think I used my luck up on that, because right after that, come band class, I was absolutely unlucky. I seriously have not played that badly since I don't know when, probably middle school. You can ask Steven. I couldn't get notes out, I couldn't read. And tuning was a nightmare. I started out pretty much in tune, but then people were staring at me, so, the stupid self-conscious person that I am, thought I was out of tune, so I adjusted my flute. And then, of course, I was way out of tune. So I panicked, and wildly twisted my flute, getting more and more out of tune, before I finally got it to 'passable'. But it was the best before I touched the stupid thing. Ugh. You can ask Alicia if you don't believe me. It really was that bad. From now on, I am absolutely going to close my eyes while tuning so that I can't see people looking at me, because then I'll think something's wrong again.

Oh, and I saw Thomas again. Beats me what he's still doing here. It was pretty odd. Nice, but odd.

New Beginnings

So after our first day(s) of school, I've been thinking a lot. It's kind of weird to think that we're seniors, that next year we'll all be split up. Rabah, Rohini, and I kept talking about all the stuff we're going to do next year (such as volunteering at the Aids walk) but we realized there really isn't time. It's exciting and puzzling at the same time.
After two days, it feels like I've been at school forever, but strangely enough, although I, as usual, am all panicked and stressed, I'm not overwhelmed. Our teachers are all pretty cool, and the only ones I pretty much dislike are Rubenstein (only because she can't teach very well, not because she's not nice) and Mr. Krusniak. Or rather band class in general. That class gives me more panic than pleasure, if you ask me, but I've worked too hard to quit there. I feel as though senior year is the perfect time for new beginnings, new friendships, feelings, ideas, a whole new me. I am trying my best not to freak out about English class with all the smart people, am trying not to stress so much (I think I've lowered that a little) and will try to have more confidence. That's right, no more fear, no more walking around in someone else's shadow.
I've got a new haircut, new teachers, new debate partner, new everything except friends. And I'm going to make the most of it.

Erg

Ok, so I've decided that I really want to learn a bit more Cantonese, but it's not been a pleasurable experience. I have a HORRIBLE accent, unfortunately, and in Chinese, accents matter. A lot, it turns out. Like if your voice goes up at the end, it's one word, and if it goes down, it's a completely different word, such as the difference between eat and color. I was trying to say the word teacher, but because my voice didn't go up at the end like it was supposed to, apparently I said something really err... bad. Oops. How frustrating! Perhaps I should learn Mandarin instead? When I was little, I could speak Mandarin pretty well. I had no idea what I was saying, but it was pretty good. I won some awards for it. I should get Yang to come over and interpret for me.

And speaking of frustrating but pretty cool, I watched I Heart Huckabees. Of course, being me, I got a bit lost and stuff, but it wasn't bad. Lots of swearing, though. Kinda like listening to Josh. (JK). Totally got lost at the end, but I got the beginning, so it's a start. Mark Wahlberg was so funny. I wish I could be an actress...

On a major side note, however, I started playing Final Fantasy. I started it 5 years ago so all the characters have weird names, like Dude for a female white mage (I don't think I knew it was a girl) and Ozzz. I know. They're nutsy. But it's pretty fun, for being an ancient Nintendo game. I can't get dizzy! But it's taking forever! I still have 3 more orb things to light. :( It's gonna be a project for next summer, I think.

Oh yeah, btw, I got a cell phone. It's a typical Asian number, if you ask me. 303-725-8885. See? I told you. Lots of 8s and no 4s. I didn't even ask for it that way.

Back to the Beginning

Today was just one of those days where it's kinda gloomy outside, but I love it. I had a lot of time to sit and think about everything. I don't know, it was a bit depressing. Summer's a week away from being over, and looking back, in some ways it seriously sucked, yet in some ways I was at peace for probably the first time I can remember in a while. Everything this summer's a rush. Rush of time, rush of emotions, rush of thoughts. Feeling confused, worried, betrayed, and angry are somewhere at the top, along with feeling upset with myself and feeling guilty. I know I hurt people these two months, and people have hurt me. I would say one of those heartfelt 'I'm sorry's' but I don't know how and for what. Sometimes, I wish I could just start over, back at the beginning and start fresh. Today I asked myself what I've done with my life, what I've accomplished. And the answer is not much, really.
I hate feeling this way. I mean, I don't feel upset with life really, just angry at myself. I've been left out and invisible for so long, I don't know how to come out anymore.

Those good old summer days
I crave them
Like home cooked meals

I hunger for summer
The hot weather
The crisp nights,
Staying up late

I love that boredom
That lazy freedom
And although there is that persistent buzz
Of essays left unwritten, books left unread
Like an annoying fly,
It is easily ignored

I thirst for cool water,
A good read by the pool
Sipping refreshing lemonade with a smile

I desire running through sprinklers,
Long night walks
With laughter and joy among friends

I just want to sit there and relax,
To bask in the sunlight,
In the good old summer days

Accents

So after yesterday when people were making fun of me and my 'Canadian accent' and because I play the flute and am "never in tune", I came home and realized two things. One, that after Andrew kept saying 'eh' I began saying it too after practically every question sentence. I totally blame Andrew for this. And two, that my sister actually says 'tags' kinda like it's pronounced taegs. Kind of like how Emily says it, but more subtle. So I don't know, maybe she's got an accent, a "Canadian accent." Which means, maybe I've got one too? To which all I can say is, darn. Who would've thought. But I still deny that I do.

Team Spirit

K, well, I'm not gonna repeat everything that happened yesterday, as I'm sure everyone else would have posted the same thing. But let me tell you, if you weren't at the Dragon Boat Festival yesterday, you missed out on all the fun.

I am soo shocked and surprised and happy at how well we all did! After seeing us on Sunday, who would've thought that we'd only all practiced together on Saturday and that it was our first time out on water. Man, I watched the videotape of our 3 races, and we were good. Yang was beating the crap out of that drum, and we were loud. I hope we were intimidating.

But besides being embarassed since all these grownups tried to talk to me in Mandarin and I, of course, a) only speak Cantonese and b) know only about 15 words in Cantonese, had absolutely no idea what anyone was saying. However, I met some neat Chinese people on the team.

And today, I saw school people I haven't seen since school ended. Fun fun. But seeing them under today's circumstances: not fun, not fun at all. Let me be the first to say that this Extended Essay workshop was not what I imagined. I think there's a difference in being pressured to get the whole darn thing done (what I imagined) and being submitted to panic attacks to get the whole darn thing done in 2 and a half days, especially considering a bunch of people just got topic changes, myself included. All my research is useless, and I need a thesis and some writing by tomorrow. Is it just me, or did practically everyone who had Mr. Weissman get completely new topics? And I thought stress was only for school...Haha