The silver linings

I think I had my first panic attack today. Sudden onset, check. Panicked gulps of air and hyperventilating to the point of almost dizziness, check. Tachycardia, check. From a medical student standpoint, it would have been kind of interesting to see my blood gases and see if had respiratory alkalosis. But enough of that. I’ve got my awesome Tension Tamer tea and some new music on, and the fogginess has started to subside. I'm reminded of a scene from an episode of the Big Bang Theory where Leonard starts having a panic attack when he's about to go on a date with Penny, and Sheldon's solution offered to him, which was simply, calm down. *Sigh* If only ordering yourself to do so was effective. It’s been a little rough lately, but today I think I’ve started to partake in some long overdue cleansing and purging of things that have been a little too toxic in my life. And I’m getting back to what I love, starting with green tea and music, enjoying new experiences with friends (hello comedy show and Xbox Zumba!), things I’ve been too “busy” to enjoy. I realized how little music I’ve listened to since the summer. Music used to be what got me through everything, but besides the now very rare classical music on Pandora while studying, I really haven’t listened to much of anything. I think now is the time to put some new tunes on my phone and start unearthing iTunes. I can't wait for the weather to turn warmer so I can start going out more.

But enough of that. What I really want to remember is the power of positive thinking. OB-GYN was a rough start and I have to admit I was feeling pretty defeated. Every day I felt like I had at least one major slip up or looked incredibly stupid. I was bested by a pair of suture scissors in the OR. Dropped part of a table on my foot. But I read an article about people who would post things they were grateful for every day. And how things turned around. I thought about doing that on this blog, maybe not every day but at least internally keep a record. And to be honest, I think it’s helping. Thinking about the good things about all my mishaps has been keeping me sane, and more importantly, happy. I’ve learned a lot. I may have dropped the table, but somehow spared hurting my foot in any way, which I think was a miracle. I’ve finally been able to answer some questions during the rotation. I am proud to say I delivered a baby (with help, of course). And even with today, I think freaking out has given me the push I needed to clear up some space. Woohoo for looking for the silver linings.

Listening to New Found Glory right now is really perking up my mood right now, just gotta say. Man that band is old.

The Resolutions and Reflections of 2014

As everyone always says, the past year went by at the speed of lightning. For me, every year seems to go by faster and faster and 2013 was no exception. I don't know if it's the schooling and long hours that makes all the days fly by, but honestly the past year was a blur. I can truly say there were some definite highlights, but the end was a little bit of a drag and a frustration. But with any luck, 2014 will be on to bigger and brighter accomplishments for all of us.

Today was freakishly cold and it's been snowing like crazy here in Chicago, so I curled up at home and passed on lunch with some friends because I hate having to trek outside in snow when I don't absolutely need to. To avoid studying for OB-GYN, I of course turned to youtube. And I ran into this inspiring video http://youtu.be/GZspjw46YGo via bubzbeauty. Yes, I watch beauty videos online, one of my many guilty pleasures. I thought there was a lot of good things to think about here, and hopefully I can keep some of these resolutions too along with a few others, such as trying to be healthier with exercise and eating.
Lately I've felt so negative with everything going on in my life, and truthfully I think I liked being mopey and angry. I needed some time to sit and wallow and think about everything that happened and why. My mom basically told me over break that I had one week (because that's all the time there was until school started again) to be angry and then I had to move on. But realistically there's no time table to sorting out your life, and it made me even more frustrated than before, because if I can't be myself at home, then where could I possibly be myself? Although I suppose a surly sister/daughter during the holidays probably dampens the holiday cheer. Whoops. And although admittedly I'm still not quite there yet, I think I'm pretty much ready to move on and be a more optimistic, happy self. I think the thing I was most worried about was time. Being thrust squarely in my mid-twenties, there were things I had roughly sketched into the timeline of my life- graduate by 26, finish residency by 29 etc, but truthfully I also had getting married thrown somewhere down there in my late twenties. And I think that's also what was so stressful about this breakup, because I always figured that we would get married eventually and things would work themselves out once distance was no longer a factor. And now being thrust back into the single life is scary, because dating someone for another 5 years puts me at 30. Which is totally fine when I think about it, it just wasn't what I was thinking about originally. Not having things planned out terrifies me, and while I know things change all the time, I find myself constantly dragging my feet instead of embracing it.  But here's to a year that will be all about embracing the change.

This year already started off with a new experience. It was my first time ringing in the new year in Chicago, since orientation began on Monday. I went to my first NYE house party and chatted up with a couple friends in a midst of strangers. One of my friends joked that he didn't know how to talk to healthy people anymore since for the last six months most new people we interact with are patients. And while I've never been good at talking to new people, I have to agree with him because for me at least, my meager social skills have gotten worse. But still, celebrating with friends is always the best, making up for not being able to find parking in the lovely Chicago neighborhoods and the crazy amount of snow that is dumping on us currently. My new worry (which I know is something I should just let go and try to relax) is that I will not be able to get to the hospital tomorrow morning. I have no idea how to estimate inches of snowfall but I'm thinking it's probably 6inches? Keeping my fingers crossed I can back out of the parking lot, because there will obviously be nobody to help me push my poor car. But I have faith in my not-so-little car and so I suppose I should just try to relax and curl up with yet another chick flick and enjoy the healing process and the new year. Happy 2014 and may the new year be a successful and amazing year for everyone!