Thicker skin

Sometimes I wish I could be a better person, be the bigger person and just let things go. But I can't. I know I'm a little hypocritical, but there are things I just can't get over, let go, or forget. I know I need to develop a thicker skin, but it's just harder than it seems. I know it's not gonna grow overnight, but I wish I could just miraculously not care what people think about me. There are always going to be people who like you and people who won't, but I still hate it when people dislike me or whatever. It still stings to be called a bitch seriously, without all the jokes and playful common banter.
It's getting close enough to my birthday that my family's starting to ask what I want. It's too bad that I can't just wish for a thicker skin so I won't care what people think. It would've been the perfect gift.

It's a Small World After All

It never stops surprising me when I realize how small the world is and how it seems like everyone somehow knows each other. In one way, it's pretty neat, and in another way, almost borders on creepy.
Sometimes I wish I didn't go to Boulder and that I could've started fresh somewhere else, but I also think it was nice to stay. I'm a sucker for the status quo a lot of the times, and I'm not so good with meeting new people. I've decided that I must be unmemorable, because a lot of the times, people can never quite seem to remember my name, although it could just be that they always seem to be slightly drunk when I'm introducing myself.
It's not a big deal that people I meet seem to know half of my friends, even people from high school, it's just slightly shocking. And kind of makes me realize how old we all really are, since high school is edging further and further away from our present college life. I mean, we're over halfway done with college already. When did that happen?

The Reasons

In high school, we always learned that there were at least two sides to every story a la TOK. But sometimes, I feel like despite how each person sees things, there should be statements they have in common, things that really happened and are not subject to opinion. I also think that there is almost always a reason for everything. There is a reason why people act the way they do, say or don't say the things they say. And to just assume something about a person based just off their words or actions without taking the time to maybe see why she said it or did it is wrong. Everyone does it, myself included, but maybe it's time to slow things down.

Infinite Ways

What's always interesting to me is how one meeting can be viewed an infinite amount of different ways. To one person it may be a small argument, to the other, a huge blowout. A kiss on the cheek could show promise for the future from one side, while from the other it can be viewed as a casual goodbye to someone just met.
But what I've come to realize is that the only reality, the main interpretation is the one that I see, because I have to live with it every day. And I'm not so rigid that I won't change my view if it needs to be tweaked. I'm tired of having to explain and defend myself when someone sees me as a completely different person from who I am. Maybe that's what people mean about people on the same wavelength, seeing eye to eye. I think that could potentially save a lot of arguments. Not that differences in opinion are bad, but just continuous ones, I guess.
I want to not have to defend myself for being told that I'm something I'm not, not have to apologize for things I haven't done or said. And if I want to think something could happen out of a casual kiss on the cheek, then I think I deserve to.

Little ghosts

For some weird reason, our Xbox kept mysteriously turning on yesterday. It was a bit creepy to walk down the hallway and hear the whirring and the green glow of the power button of the machine all the time. I had to unplug it, it was becoming so often. I tried to watch it for a while, but it never turned on while I was there. We must have a ghost in that room or something.

The windows of my new Bear Creek apartment are broken, and with the wind howling this afternoon, it made weird noises in my place, along with the shades in my room banging around because I couldn't quite shut my window. I had to move my desk aside and slam the stupid thing shut it was getting so annoying. Although the bar stools in this room are cooler than last year's, I have to say I significantly enjoy my last year's room more. The lights are brighter and the room didn't come with things broken. But still, it's nice and big and all my own, even if it is a bit lonely. I just hope this place has no ghosts to turn things on when I'm not looking.

Simply Magnificent

Last night I watched the sunset from the light rail. It was nice to see it with the stunning Denver skyline and mountains, instead of only seeing the clouds purple peeking out from all the rooftops. It was simply magnificent, it made me wish I had a photographic memory or something to capture it, since I figured my phone would definitely not do it justice, since the camera pretty much sucks, and the reflection from the window would make it look like one big glare I bet.

Lately I've been trying to relax a little more and not think/worry so much about things that are out of my control. As Irene says, I have to try and only worry/care 60% of what I usually do. It's a bit hard for me, especially when I resume MCAT studying and realize how much freaking info I don't know. Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, reading and music help the most. Linkin Park's new CD, or I guess not really new but latest one anyways, is quite soothing, in a sort of depressing manner. But it's not quite as screaming cuss words as loud as possible as their other ones. Leave Out All the Rest is my favorite, and there's a lot of times when I feel exactly like the lyrics. That is one awesome CD, if you ask me.

I head out in a little less than two weeks, and part of me is so excited to get out of here and back on my own, although I know the rest of me would rather stay here, away from all that schooling. I want to just sit in bed and read all day. I've been addicted to Jim Butcher books lately. All that sci fi and fantasy, can't help it.
If my one-year-ago self looked at me now, sitting at home all day studying the MCAT and reading Jim Butcher books and basically being uber lazy, I think the old me would've died laughing.

Open Door

There was an open door between us
Once upon a time
For easy talking
Easy viewing
We went back and forth a lot
In lots of different ways

It was always open
You wanted it open
And then you closed it
Out of the blue
You didn’t just shut the door
You slammed it
And locked it behind you
The funny thing is
You were the one
Who wanted it open in the first place.

Ping Pong

Table tennis is slowly and grudgingly becoming that weekly Friday night habit. The Chinese sport, haha. I have no idea how four girls around a large green table can cause insane hyperness, but somehow it does. I've been unearthing my witch laugh again. Last week it was enough to reignite a fire log. This week, make my friends laugh so hard they missed the ping pong ball.

It's made me realize how much I love chilling with friends. Like once a week I can crawl out of that hermit shell for a few hours. But it's also made me realize how much I've been abandoning others. Leaving behind one group for another. It sucks, but sort of inevitable, I guess. Like entropy. Maybe I need to put in a little energy to change that.

Grrr BCH

After applying again for Boulder Community Hospital for like the third time I still can't get in. Why? Because of a damn computer glitch that caused them to not get my application for like a month. So not my fault. Screw you, BCH.
But I'm not so mad really. Breathe in, breathe out. Focus on trying to get that one last job opportunity. Crossing fingers really really hard! I'm starting to climb up again after falling a bit. It's a nice feeling.

Repairing

I don't think I've felt this good in almost two months. I actually feel really genuinely happy for the first time in a while. Not just happy...more like...whole, I guess. It's a nice nice feeling. I'm trying to focus on the positive, not wallow in self-pity, and look forward to the rest of summer. I can't believe I'm a month into summer already. I feel like I sorta wasted it, but I'm not going to waste the rest. Maybe this time I'll actually do more of the things I wanted to. Go to Elitch's for the first time in like 7 or 8 years, maybe see another concert and not get totally lost on the way this time, try to keep more in touch with friends this time around, and maybe study a bit for hte MCAT. There's always so much I want to do, but somehow I always end up being lazy and never get much of it done.

I've spent too much time being angry this year, angry and disappointed. Time to fix it. I'm ready to talk now. And listen.

Europe tomorrow. I wish I could say I was excited, but I just don't feel it yet. Maybe it's just been one too many cruises and the idea of having to dress up for dinner and waking up at 6 every day for 2 weeks is discouraging me from being too happy. But I'm sure I'll be excited once I'm there. I mean it's EUROPE. I've never been anywhere in Europe, well, except for St. Petersburg but that doesn't really count. And it'll be nice to leave here for two weeks and have a good distraction from the mess of everything here.
The idea of having no job and no medical scholars program to fall back on and adjusting to everything isn't very great to look forward to when I come back, but whatever. At least I won't have to do lab work when I take my nursing classes, that's always a definite plus. I have to make a decision about whether or not I want to continue, but I'm leaning towards not continuing with it. The time commitment is seriously depressing me. But I have two months of contemplating to figure out what I want to do with everything. Including lab work. And making sure medicine is what I want to do. And how to deal with being single again. At least I've got 2 long plane trips to start seriously thinking about it all.

Ever growing ailments

So I guess now I can add TB scare to my ever growing list of ailments, especially within the past 6 months. Had to have a TB test for my annoying Nurse Aide class, and of course there hadto be controversy over it. My doctor and a nurse thought it was negative and the PA thought it was positive. So then i had to get a chest X-ray and need another skin test when I get back from Europe :( Add this to a possible thyroid problem and mysterious fainting and foot pain/cramping and tailbone inflammation and voila, all my mysterious maladies from the past semester. Ick. All I can say is, I hope my bloodwork comes out normal this time, although having a thyroid problem might not be such a bad thing, seeing as how then I'd probably be able to gain some weight.

The 4.0

I think people have this miraculous idea that all you need in life is a good GPA. This belief probably makes the list of top incorrect notions of all time. Cuz seriously, I think I'm sadly living proof that this is sooo not true. So fuck it. It hasn't done anything for me except gotten me some disbelief stares. And stressed me out so much that I open my piehole without thinking. And not really helped me achieve my dreams or whatever. So might as well relax a bit next year, right? Hasn't really done much anyways, and then maybe I can do more things like clubs and volunteering and stuff. Although what would also help with this is a car, too.

Whoosh

It hit me last night, like a big whoosh of realization. Watching the Holiday yesterday after ochem was weird but fun, seeing as how I haven't seen it with a group of friends since the first time I saw it. And, unfortunately, some of the things in the movie hit home right away, and not just from my present. I feel very lonely. I'm going to feel lonely. But you gotta do what you gotta do. And there's always hope and the happy idea of summer in less than a week. :)

Just Another Manic Monday

It's the last week of classes and my first final starts Saturday. And it's ochem, naturally. But today was just the craziest day I've had in a while. And perhaps the breath of fresh air I've needed. In under 24 hours, I've been so sick from something (spoiled milk maybe? I don't know) that I fainted in my bathroom at three in the morning, saw Harold and Kumar, had my first taste of white wine mixed with sprite in the movie, and scaled a wire fence.
I have to say, seeing a movie on a school night was something kind of refreshing. I guess I'm such a nerd that that kind of thing never really struck me as appealing. But the movie was funny, and the poem at the end is hilarious. I've decided that I am going to recite it to the first cute guy I see. Just kidding. The wine was strong, even mixed with Sprite, and I must say I think it tastes kind of weird. And scaling a fence is actually easier than I thought. Except it was also higher than I thought, and my landing I would say was probably less than graceful, especially with my scream.
I would have to say my fainting was also probably less than graceful too, although I'm not positive. It was possibly one of the scariest moments of my life. It was so weird, I felt sooo sick for like 15 minutes, and then I was fine. But it's times like these where I feel especially lonely and wish I had roommates, cuz I had no idea what to do, like if I should call someone or just wait it out. I even had some emo thoughts about how I was gonna die and no one would find my body or know where I was since I had no roommates and stuff. I know, very stupid and weird, but I guess I was sort of panicking. And I must say, this early morning for the first time I was glad to have a handicap room, because the metal rods everywhere on the bathroom walls by the toilet is what actually woke me up I think. But I don't think I was out for long, anyways.
I can't believe just these few experiences have probably been the highlight of the month. But I guess it's just been that kind of month: long, hard, and boring. And today's just another manic Monday.

Rollercoaster

It was supposed to be warm and sunny today. And yet, the wind and all made it pretty chilly. Darn. Wasn't such a fun day, with grades being posted (screw ochem) and officer elections and more tests this week and finals in two weeks, eek. It's nice to be near the end but scary at the same time.
It's been such a roller-coaster-type day, very up and down. It just makes me feel weird, like I should be happier, or be sadder. I'm trying to walk down the middle road, and it seems to kind of be working out well, not really sure.
Can the weekend come already? I needs a good long break again.

It's so weird feeling to me right now. I just finished two intense intense weeks of school, and now, I don't know what to do with myself. I still have a lot of studying for macro right now, but I'm just waay too lazy to do so right now. I wanna walk around in the warm sunshine for the first time in weeks in my sundress.

My view that it is impossible to be unhappy when the sun is out and it's a nice day has now been proven wrong. But oh well. I hope I'm far away from home as possible when it hits 4:20.

Shaking off the Cobwebs

It's already been two days and I'm still completely sore from Sunday's soccer game. It's been a good four solid years since I've touched a soccer ball or done any serious running, so I kind of knew I was in for this, but still...being this sore is no fun. I feel like an old old lady; I can't even walk straight. Yesterday I think every muscle in my body ached: my chest, the front and back of both my upper and lower legs, my stomach/abs, my butt... I feel quite pathetic, especially since I didn't really do all that much running and my contribution was pretty much nothing to my team.
One guy said it best, although he was talking more about himself, that it's all about shaking off the cobwebs, but he is shaking off a year. I'm shaking off four. Without cleats, which I didn't realize were so important. I was the only one without cleats on the field, and I was slipping around everywhere. I felt like such a newbie.
I always wanted to play coed intramural soccer, so I guess I definitely got what I wanted, though maybe not quite what I expected. Definitely very very different from girls soccer and PE. Once I get over all this pathetic soreness I'll dig around for my old soccer cleats and start shaking off all the cobwebs.

Planting Trees

I'm contemplating planting some trees. Especially since they're so good for the environment, you know. Plus, my dad totally hacked off some of the branches from the tree outside my window at home. And almost fell off the roof doing so. Again, right outside my window. Talk about heart attacks all around. Poor dad. Poor tree.

We all laugh when we talk about planting trees. And setting up scarecrows in our forest. And the type of trees to plant. I'd laugh if anything we tried to grow actually sprouted.

I hate waiting for the phone to ring. And expectations and hopes being let down. The sun was shining today but it was deceptively quite cold. I used to judge the weather and dress myself by looking at whether or not the sun was out. I guess it's time to grow up and in more than one way. I think having personal time helps out with that. All week I've been doing things for my research, for my applications, for my friends, but nothing for me. Nothing that I wanted to do,until I spent some time with myself today. It was nice. I guess I'm not as bad company as I thought.

Wordplay

The poetry writing's coming back. But I'm still a little rusty. Really rusty to be honest. And all that's coming out is totally emo, damnit. The words only come out when I get frustrated. Must work on that.

Flexible Fantasy

I was shadowing a radiologist today, and I don't know why I was thinking about it while staring at incomprehensible black and white blobs, but i was thinking about dreams. You know how everyone dreams of Prince Charming and the all that? Nobody ever gets their perfect ideal person, but when do you hold fast to your dreams and when should you be flexible? Reality is always better than the dream, but sometimes I feel like you shouldn't compromise on what you want. If anyone told me I shouldn't be a doctor, I'd be the first to go out and prove them wrong, like that damn valedictorian woman. But should it always be that way?

Snowflakes and Sunshine

It actually snowed here Saturday night. And I'm writing about it now, cuz I've been waay to lazy and busy to do it until now. I was pretty cold, being in, of course, sandals and a light jacket since it was actually really nice when I left the house. And I mean, who goes shopping for 9 hours, really? Besides my crazy family, I guess. My sister takes Forever in the changing rooms. But anyways, it was so pretty seeing the snowflakes land on the car window. It reminds me of when I was little, and I had this book about snow and snowflakes. I'd read it all the time. People always say that no two snowflakes are alike, but you know, I read this thing once a few years back that said that there actually have been two snowflakes found that are identical. Interesting, no?

But now that all the snow is melted and it's like 60 degrees outside, I'm much happier. It's not supposed to snow when it's springtime. And I much prefer t-shirt weather and skirt weather and all of it, except that sunshine sort of makes me lazy. And sleepy. But I love it all the same. I think it's almost impossible to be sad when it's such a nice day out. Now if only the trees would start to bud. That would make me really happy :)