Thursday, June 29, 2006
9 Years and Counting...
It's so weird...I have been here for exactly 9 years. I can't believe it's been so long! It feels like only 6 or 7 years, and half my relatives feel like that too. They were so shocked to hear it's been 9 years. Holy smokes.
What's also weird was the dream I had a couple days ago. It was so freaking scary. It was about some sort of Chinese mafia/gang that was after my family. There were assassins dressed up as nuns shooting at us, we were hiding in trees, trying to escape some Chinese city dressed in other people's clothing and using fake passports...not fun. If all dreams are some sort of subconscious message, I wonder what mine would be.
What's also weird was the dream I had a couple days ago. It was so freaking scary. It was about some sort of Chinese mafia/gang that was after my family. There were assassins dressed up as nuns shooting at us, we were hiding in trees, trying to escape some Chinese city dressed in other people's clothing and using fake passports...not fun. If all dreams are some sort of subconscious message, I wonder what mine would be.
Monday, June 26, 2006
On Toronto...
So 6 days, 2 dim sums in a row at the same restaurant, 2 family reunion-barbecues, one funeral and one broken watch later, I'm finally back home. It's good to be back, although it's back to being lazy, unfortunately. I think I might try finding a nice place to volunteer since summer's like half gone already. Where did June go? I seem to have lost part of it...
Being back in Toronto and only seeing my dad's side of the family was a bit weird, considering that whenever I go I usually see more of my mom's side than my dad's. And, not to sound like a mean jerk or anything, but I sort of prefer it that way, since some of my aunts and uncles on my dad's side ignore and make fun of me and my sister for not speaking cantonese, and some of my cousins aren't all that nice either. But I saw some people that I haven't seen in a long, long time so that was nice. I felt a bit guilty at first because I couldn't recognize one of my cousins because I hadn't seen him in like 6 years and I couldn't remember if his name was Harold or Edmund. But it was alright, because he simply ignored everyone so I never talked to him.
But the weirdest part of the trip was the realization that my uncle can't count. And thus confused everyone when he said that there were 8 grandchildren in the family. First of all, there are like 15, but even if you just do the lame Chinese counting way of only counting the kids with the lst name of Chow, there are only 7. My Uncle Da claims that he was going to stand up and protest that 8 grandchildren was wrong, there are only 7, but considering that he can't really count in Chinese, I think he wouldve just confused everyone. And not only that, but according to the uncle giving the eulogy, my grandmother was 84, but if you do simple subtraction from the birth and death dates he gave, technically she's only 82 or 83. I was so lost until my dad reminded me that Chinese people start counting age at 1, so you have to add an extra year on.
At least when I go back to Toronto next month hopefully I'll be able to enjoy things like I usually do.
Being back in Toronto and only seeing my dad's side of the family was a bit weird, considering that whenever I go I usually see more of my mom's side than my dad's. And, not to sound like a mean jerk or anything, but I sort of prefer it that way, since some of my aunts and uncles on my dad's side ignore and make fun of me and my sister for not speaking cantonese, and some of my cousins aren't all that nice either. But I saw some people that I haven't seen in a long, long time so that was nice. I felt a bit guilty at first because I couldn't recognize one of my cousins because I hadn't seen him in like 6 years and I couldn't remember if his name was Harold or Edmund. But it was alright, because he simply ignored everyone so I never talked to him.
But the weirdest part of the trip was the realization that my uncle can't count. And thus confused everyone when he said that there were 8 grandchildren in the family. First of all, there are like 15, but even if you just do the lame Chinese counting way of only counting the kids with the lst name of Chow, there are only 7. My Uncle Da claims that he was going to stand up and protest that 8 grandchildren was wrong, there are only 7, but considering that he can't really count in Chinese, I think he wouldve just confused everyone. And not only that, but according to the uncle giving the eulogy, my grandmother was 84, but if you do simple subtraction from the birth and death dates he gave, technically she's only 82 or 83. I was so lost until my dad reminded me that Chinese people start counting age at 1, so you have to add an extra year on.
At least when I go back to Toronto next month hopefully I'll be able to enjoy things like I usually do.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Friendship
Is it possible to flip out over a favor for a friend? That I haven't known for very long? Aargh! I don't want to investigate any more colleges, even if it's for a friend :( But o well, anything for a friend, even if he still can't get my name spelled correctly, right? Once I decipher the email anyways.
The Healing Process
It's late, so late that it's now the tomorrow I was thinking about a few hours ago. It's only one, but I haven't been up this late in a while, doing nothing but thinking, but it's doing me some good. At least I'd like to think so. Perhaps i'm finally healing.
Two and a half hours later,I'm finally able to breathe normally. My nose is not so plugged up anymore so that I don't need to breathe through my mouth with loud sighs. I had no idea that I might be allergic to cats. Lesson learned. And maybe one I will actually remember, no less.
I just finished reading The Truth About Forever, just to see what the hype was. I think it's going on my list of healing books. True, it's got that sappy romance bit to it, but it's good in the sense that I can relate to parts of it, and that's what makes any book good. And it's gonna help me sew up parts of myself that have been coming undone. It's given me that feel good feeling, and also that feeling like I need to do something to fix my life so that I don't go through the same motions that I just read about. Like it's time to break down a wall. That, and letting loose to someone on a sidewalk late at night for half an hour have done me loads and loads of good. I was reading my finished journal recently, and i realized just how miserable I was freshman year. How I never let loose to anyone back then. I have no freaking clue how I survived. Not a healthy thing to do anymore. Just talking, venting, sharing stories and guessing at how to help each other has made me realize how lucky I am to have people to let it all out to. Sure, I've got one of those deep panicky feelings growing, looking at what I need to do tomorrow..er, today, but I know eventually it'll all be better. Taking one step backward to take two steps forward. I know I'm probably going to hurt before I feel better again. But I know that this is just one of life's little lessons. Because I didn't learn it the first time. I think this is my reminder to never forget, since it's much harder the second time around. But this time i think i've got it right. Hopefully.
I've been listening to Panic! At the Disco's "I write sins, not tragedies", and I keep thinking about the part that goes something about closing the God damn doorknob, and for some reason it keeps sticking with me. I think this year I've reopened a door that I should've kept closed one too many times, and another time someone else opened it. But I think this time, I've closed it for sure. Cemented it shut, really. I really messed it up before, but I think I've gotten my priorities and my feelings all straightened out. And man, it's a huge load off.
It's kind of weird how fast feelings change, about stuff. Like when you discover that you don't like something you used to love, and you wonder when that happened. Or when you realized that people you were friends with long ago have become simply 'acquaintances' or simply someone u used to know. Even with my clothes. I was at Old Navy today, and I bought a skirt. A mini skirt, too, no less. And tonight, after walking in my door at 10:30, I was wondering why I had bought it. To impress people? To look 'cute'? Why? I mean, i don't think I've ever possessed a jean skirt, or a skirt that goes above my knees. And honestly, I have no idea why I wanted such a radical change from my usual jeans.
I think the big thing, the main thing behind it all, was that this summer didn't start the way i had wanted it to. Kind of like in Truth About Forever, I think I wanted things to start out perfect, even though perfect is unachievable. But spending half the night during the grad party looking at the stars,and reading books and watching good movies and doing nothing but talking, venting, thinking has really opened my eyes. And I'm not going to close them again.
Two and a half hours later,I'm finally able to breathe normally. My nose is not so plugged up anymore so that I don't need to breathe through my mouth with loud sighs. I had no idea that I might be allergic to cats. Lesson learned. And maybe one I will actually remember, no less.
I just finished reading The Truth About Forever, just to see what the hype was. I think it's going on my list of healing books. True, it's got that sappy romance bit to it, but it's good in the sense that I can relate to parts of it, and that's what makes any book good. And it's gonna help me sew up parts of myself that have been coming undone. It's given me that feel good feeling, and also that feeling like I need to do something to fix my life so that I don't go through the same motions that I just read about. Like it's time to break down a wall. That, and letting loose to someone on a sidewalk late at night for half an hour have done me loads and loads of good. I was reading my finished journal recently, and i realized just how miserable I was freshman year. How I never let loose to anyone back then. I have no freaking clue how I survived. Not a healthy thing to do anymore. Just talking, venting, sharing stories and guessing at how to help each other has made me realize how lucky I am to have people to let it all out to. Sure, I've got one of those deep panicky feelings growing, looking at what I need to do tomorrow..er, today, but I know eventually it'll all be better. Taking one step backward to take two steps forward. I know I'm probably going to hurt before I feel better again. But I know that this is just one of life's little lessons. Because I didn't learn it the first time. I think this is my reminder to never forget, since it's much harder the second time around. But this time i think i've got it right. Hopefully.
I've been listening to Panic! At the Disco's "I write sins, not tragedies", and I keep thinking about the part that goes something about closing the God damn doorknob, and for some reason it keeps sticking with me. I think this year I've reopened a door that I should've kept closed one too many times, and another time someone else opened it. But I think this time, I've closed it for sure. Cemented it shut, really. I really messed it up before, but I think I've gotten my priorities and my feelings all straightened out. And man, it's a huge load off.
It's kind of weird how fast feelings change, about stuff. Like when you discover that you don't like something you used to love, and you wonder when that happened. Or when you realized that people you were friends with long ago have become simply 'acquaintances' or simply someone u used to know. Even with my clothes. I was at Old Navy today, and I bought a skirt. A mini skirt, too, no less. And tonight, after walking in my door at 10:30, I was wondering why I had bought it. To impress people? To look 'cute'? Why? I mean, i don't think I've ever possessed a jean skirt, or a skirt that goes above my knees. And honestly, I have no idea why I wanted such a radical change from my usual jeans.
I think the big thing, the main thing behind it all, was that this summer didn't start the way i had wanted it to. Kind of like in Truth About Forever, I think I wanted things to start out perfect, even though perfect is unachievable. But spending half the night during the grad party looking at the stars,and reading books and watching good movies and doing nothing but talking, venting, thinking has really opened my eyes. And I'm not going to close them again.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
My Transition Chapter
It took some doing, but I finally finished my journal that I kept all throughout high school. I think it was sort of fitting that I ran out of room and ended my last page with graduation, kind of like I closed that chapter of my life. I read part of it last night, and I have to admit, parts of it were so hilarious because I'm glad to think that I've matured greatly since freshman year. Not to say that I'm not an idiot anymore, because sometimes I am. And always will be. Just a lot less so.
I'm thinking of looking at summer as my transition, the bridge chapter of my life. Unfortunately, it hasn't exactly started as well as I had liked, but hey, it's only the beginning, right? I've felt left out of the loop for so long, I want to focus on getting back into it. I can't go off to school by myself with ragged friendship bonds, can I? That would just be so depressing. No, I need to make them all nice and tight again. I think my problem has been that I've become very good at self-denial. I've built this wall up around me and it needs to come down. I think I'm too introverted, and while this isn't all that bad, it can be pretty self-destructing. I know it sounds pretty corny and ridiculous, but I think the problem is that I need to really come to terms with myself these two months. And break down that wall. And come to love myself. I don't think I really have, because my self-confidence has been shot this year with all the highs and lows. So this time, I want to focus on the highs. And build up from there. This summer, I want to be happy, and do lots of things I haven't done before. Like learn how to knit and go to a concert.
On a completely random thought, let me just say that Triveni is very very creepy when playing Mortal Kombat. Triv, you are shockingly vicious. ;) What a hilarious afternoon, from learning new fighting moves to being magical archers and jesters throwing bombs and swords and arrows at weird blue farmer zombies. We should do that again :)
I'm thinking of looking at summer as my transition, the bridge chapter of my life. Unfortunately, it hasn't exactly started as well as I had liked, but hey, it's only the beginning, right? I've felt left out of the loop for so long, I want to focus on getting back into it. I can't go off to school by myself with ragged friendship bonds, can I? That would just be so depressing. No, I need to make them all nice and tight again. I think my problem has been that I've become very good at self-denial. I've built this wall up around me and it needs to come down. I think I'm too introverted, and while this isn't all that bad, it can be pretty self-destructing. I know it sounds pretty corny and ridiculous, but I think the problem is that I need to really come to terms with myself these two months. And break down that wall. And come to love myself. I don't think I really have, because my self-confidence has been shot this year with all the highs and lows. So this time, I want to focus on the highs. And build up from there. This summer, I want to be happy, and do lots of things I haven't done before. Like learn how to knit and go to a concert.
On a completely random thought, let me just say that Triveni is very very creepy when playing Mortal Kombat. Triv, you are shockingly vicious. ;) What a hilarious afternoon, from learning new fighting moves to being magical archers and jesters throwing bombs and swords and arrows at weird blue farmer zombies. We should do that again :)
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