Please don't pass out....

I think my goal for the next four weeks--actually, make that twelve--is going to be to not pass out. It's probably going to be a constant silent chant for me...please don't pass out, please don't pass out, please don't pass out...Emergency medicine started yesterday, and four weeks of that combined with a subsequent eight long weeks of surgery is going to make for a hectic and probably overwhelming and slightly gory three months. 

I am happy to say I survived shift 1 of 16 with minimal damage, although I didn't do any of the more scary procedures. I didn't think I had a problem with blood, but my aversion to do wound care, suturing, blood draws and IVs for the time being is proving otherwise. Weirdo that I am, I was actually fine with doing the rectal exam. Could also be that it takes a good 5 seconds, whereas I feel like suturing would probably take at least a half hour, probably with some more silent panic involved. Just watching a video on wound care was enough to make me feel slightly sick...those open wounds seemed crazy gruesome to me. I guess a life in the emergency department is just not for me. Not that I expected it to be. I'm already missing the organized and not-nearly-as-hectic life of neurology, extended work hours and all.

I'm not sure what it is about me, but my ability to overcome my shyness and adapt quickly to situations is just not readily available yet. Yesterday we had orientation and of course, I was one of the unlucky two to start a shift an hour after we ended. I felt so overwhelmed 30 min in, that I probably looked really rude as I forgot to introduce myself to any of the nurses. Luckily though I did at least remember the attending. 

Shift two starts in 11 hours, let's hope my confidence has increased slightly since yesterday so I can knock more procedures off my list. And let's keep the passing out to a minimum. Or even better, to zero.

Where's the Lesion?

Time flies when you're having fun. At least that's how the saying goes. Honestly, it flies even when you're not exactly enjoying yourself but are just busy. Four weeks into the third year already, and I've finished one complete rotation. I seriously don't know where the time went. Did I have fun? I'm not sure I would put it squarely into the "fun" category....but I will say Neurology was better than I expected. The hours weren't as bad as I thought and the physicians were all super nice.
I will say though, it was quite an adjustment from sitting on my butt for 12 hours studying to standing 12 hours rounding on patients, trying to identify where the lesion is in the brain on stroke patients or why exactly patient so-and-so was fainting. Four short weeks was definitely not enough to master neurology, and I still somewhat feel quite clueless, but I think I can honestly say that I am more comfortable with patients and more importantly, the attendings.
I was so nervous the first day we were getting patients I almost threw up at home and again on the drive to the hospital. I felt like most of my fellow students were all "excited" to finally get out into the wards (the hospitals) but I actually felt way more nervous than excited. I think I feel more comfortable studying behind books, which made me seriously wonder what the heck I was doing here in medical school. I felt like the only introvert in a sea of extroverts. I do think it takes more of an effort for me to pipe up in front of the attendings and show off my extremely limited knowledge, but I think I'm getting there. 
I'm even getting more confident driving! The streets of Chicago are waay crazier than Colorado. Traffic on the highways pretty much don't move, from 1pm onwards to about 7. (Don't people need to work??? Why are the highways so crowded so early?) People don't say thank you when you let them in, and taxi drivers especially will honk at you if you don't start driving the instant the light turns green. I've even seen two people yelling at each other from their cars because I guess one cut the other off. It makes me homesick for the Denver suburbs, or even North Chicago, something I truly thought I'd never say.
But through it all, in the past four weeks, if someone asks me where the lesion is, at least I can figure it out. About 2/3 the time.

And so it begins....

Well, we are 4 hours away from July 1, the official start of rotations. I'm sitting in my new apartment, listening  to Howie Day, courtesy of a very loud Lincoln Park Music Festival and very thin walls. Lucky for me I only have a very chill orientation day tomorrow and I'm not hitting the hospitals yet. That's for Tuesday, so one more day to sweat it out. To say I'm nervous would kind of be an understatement, but honestly, in some ways it still hasn't even hit me yet that we're semi-heading out into the real world. No more classrooms, no more lots of free-time-and-afternoons-but-truly-we-should-be-studying. Not even weekends off anymore. It's a scary thought that probably won't hit me until 8am Tuesday when I'm standing in the hospital in my white coat with my pockets weighed down with so much crap for those "just in case" moments of panic, which will probably be 4 times an hour.
I have to admit, the scariest thing about it is going in not knowing whether or not I even passed boards. That, and the fact that starting with a four week rotation means no wiggle room, no slacking at all. Hit the ground running is essential, and yet I feel so lost. I don't know what books to use, I don't know where anything is, including the hospital, and it's a scary thought to be more responsible for real patients 6 days a week, instead of the previous 4 days out of an entire school year. It's quite the balance shift.
But for better or worse, in 12 hours M3 year begins.

I'm Alive! I think

Day 1 post-boards...It's an odd feeling. Originally I thought I'd feel just like the son in the Incredibles when he yells out, "I'm alive! Woohoo!" when the baddies are chasing him and he makes so much noise he attracts the baddies' attention. I thought I'd feel so relieved coming out of the exam, but to be honest, I feel sort of...well, scared. The worrier in me is panicked that I didn't pass, or didn't at least hit average (which is, unfortunately, about 35pts above the pass mark). The test was pretty hard, actually a harder than I sort of expected. I mean, I knew it would be a difficult exam, of course, but usually on the practice questions I would have more questions where I felt like I definitely knew the answer. Yesterday I hate to admit that feeling didn't come up nearly as often as I would have liked. And I feel like exam day jitters got the best of me. I remember yesterday, half the time i was like, wtf is this?? And then this morning I woke up at 6 and basically was like duh, Kel. That's what it is. Whoops. 

I know it's no good to dwell on it b/c it's not like I can change my answers or do anything to improve my score now, and it'll be about 4-8weeks before I even find out how I did, so worrying for that time will probably literally kill me b/c in my distracted state I'd probably walk into a car or something, and I've got rotations coming up now. So I'm trying to sit and relax, which for me is never easy. Suppression!

The one thing that I will definitely not miss is the constant level of panic studying, and feeling like I should be studying every minute of every day. The past few months have been hell, and I will admit, it's nice being lazy. Still have to pack up today and clean and do lots of errands with my one free day, but it's a good feeling to not be studying, and cramming as many random facts into my head as possible. Yep, that is bliss. I can read and watch as much tv as I want! For today at least. But it's better than nothing. And I can finally walk outside in normal summer gear of a t-shirt! And maybe even shorts! The library has been like a refrigerator, and yesterday for the exam I dressed like it was winter. I had on a tank top, a sweater, and a hoodie. And tights and sweatpants. I get cold so freaking easily, it's miserable. But finally, the sun is actually peeking out, which has actually been a little rare this summer, and I can actually enjoy!

And, best part of all, time to learn how to play a drumset :) Hellloo summer

Hello Inspiration!

As my friends and I start spiraling into self-doubt, frustration and semi-depression as we enter our month long boards-studying marathon, I wanted to immortalize this for myself in my blog as a daily reminder to be happy and healthy. Plus, it makes it easier to find here than hunting it down on my friend's facebook wall courtesy of my good ole friend AR :)

http://worldobserveronline.com/2012/04/25/15-things-you-should-give-up-to-be-happy/

Whoever wrote this was one smart and awesome cookie. It's life learning and uplifting inspiration and personal psychologist without leaving your home all rolled into one.

I know that I am guilty of many of these infractions, probably waaay more than half. In fact, almost all of these currently. And I'm sure I'm not alone. For me, it's especially the need to always be right, the self-defeating self-talk, and the need to impress others that I have really honed in on to alter.

I think that what goes hand in hand with the need to always be right (and just as self-limiting)is the need to be perfect. Personally, I hate being wrong and "looking like an idiot" in class. Everyone around me looks so smart, I think,and they all have the right answer! Sometimes it even comes to the point where I just clam up and prefer to say nothing, because of course, the one time you say something is one time you didn't have the right answer. But this happens to everybody. And that fear of being wrong is confining the limits to grow as a person. I do believe that it's true that you learn more getting the answer wrong than you do right. 
The problem for me is that, in the medical profession, getting an answer wrong could mean hurting or endangering a person.  While I know that there are obvious safeguards to this, ie practicing on mannequins first, interns and residents and attendings watching and helping you along the way, it's still a scary thought. I've heard the horror stories of accidental injuries students have caused. It's one of those things where you definitely hear the horror stories of how individuals in this profession have messed up, and oftentimes (although not always) the heart-warming stories go unreported. But again, this fear is not helping anything. Like the article mentions, it is an illusion. It reminds me of a scene from the old animated movie Chicken Run, with the timid chicken farmer who thinks he's seeing the chickens trying to escape but his hard core wife isn't having any of that. "It's all in me head!" the poor farmer keeps repeating to himself.

But back to the matter at hand, while I feel that on the whole getting people to do all of these things (myself included of course) is pretty idealistic. But I think that if we all try to gradually make these changes one at a time with a gentle reminder here and there to gently guide ourselves back on track the world would indeed be a happier place.

Putting Mistakes in Perspective

This week I made a mistake. And I've been continuously thinking about it and worry and being frustrated and angry at myself. It's been taking major study time away from me and a whole lot of energy. But I'm hoping that putting this down in writing will help remind me to put things in perspective. Is it a mistake that is correctable? Yes, after 1 year. Is it costly? Unfortunately yes, but in the long run, an extra $1200 spent is not going to be much. So ultimately no, it is not. It's just to a stingy medical student already staring at $100,000+ debt already, it is a little bit painful. But you know what? That is life. It's about making mistakes, learning, and accepting it. It's about knowing (and acknowledging) that people aren't perfect.

One of the big stresses that comes near the end of the school year is the question "where am I going to live next year?". Moving into the city for rotations is exciting, but also frustrating at best, since you basically have to look for a place while studying for boards, studying for class, and studying for shelf exams. 

My roommate and I found a place after a lot of searching, but the problem was, it wasn't perfect. And it was very expensive. But since we had a hard time finding something, we plopped down the money and the process to sign our lives away for a year. It wasn't until I thought a little more about what we did that I realized that we jumped the gun a bit. We could have looked at another place that had a lease that started two weeks earlier, take the extra hit of an additional $1000 rent, but in the long run would've saved us about $1500 and would've been a slightly nicer place. We could've waited a little longer, cut into study time and found something. 

But that's a lot of could've and should've. And as I was sitting here this morning, hemming and hawing and stressing away as to whether or not to break our unsigned lease and try for the other apartment, it made me realize that I still haven't learned my lesson. Did I probably make a mistake this week? Yes. I should've listened to my gut, should've been more patient in looking for a place, and not have worried about it for so long prior to when we started looking. But I haven't been looking at this as a learning experience. My roommate and I were both rookies in the apartment looking world. We didn't know what we were doing. And I spent this week looking for ways to correct a temporary problem that is hard to fix when we have major exams to study for, when realistically instead I should just chalk this up to a life lesson.

I've learned to be more flexible not just in terms of what amenities and locations I want in a place, but also to stop and think about lease start dates and those hidden extra rental fees etc that some places use instead of security deposits. And I've been trying my hardest to put things in perspective. This wasn't a life decision, it's a decision for a year. Will moving after a year be difficult? Absolutely. But that's ok.

I think that making this mistake now is a good thing. Next year I will know what to look for, and how to be more efficient. Sometimes you need to make the mistake, because you remember it more than when you lucked out and did things better the first time around. 

Making mistakes is something I know is good to do. I know in my head that I will be making a lot of them next year and forever in the future. I've just been so afraid to make them that it's almost crippling. I know that's not the right way to go about life, and I'm hoping that documenting this apartment hunting experience will help me remember that making a mistake is ok, as long as you remember and learn from it. And I think that I have. And I'm grateful that I can afford to make this mistake. I can afford the cost. Not easily, but it's possible. And there are infinitely worse problems and issues that I could be dealing with than where I'm living next year.

I read an article on the Boston marathon bombings and what many of the victims have to deal with. One young lady was dealing with having her leg amputated. Now that put things in perspective right away for me. Here I am, like a selfish pre-occupied student whining about paying an extra thousand bucks for a place that isn't as nice as I wanted- which is actually such a minor problem, while people are fighting to learn to walk again. Fighting to deal with lives lost. Learning to cope with tragedy. And thousands of other, worse issues. When you look at it that way, I'm lucky. And I'm blessed. 

This is probably one of the first few semi-serious mistakes that I have made, and I think it scared me. But now that I have put things in perspective, hopefully I won't be as afraid anymore. And I will embrace my new life in the city, instead of counting down the days until I can remedy my issue. And so, in writing this down, I am hoping I am more accepting of my non-perfect self and the fact that I maybe made a mistake here, and that is a-ok :)

And now maybe I can focus a little more on studying!

The Unearthing

Wow. It's been almost 2 whole years since I've touched this thing, and even though life is more hectic than ever, I feel like it's time to resurrect the good ole blog for some venting/ramblings. After all, mounting stress and panic and negative thoughts that bubble inside never end up good, so this is my way of letting out the steam a bit in my personal pressure cooker of life so that I don't blow off my hand or something if/when it goes off.

Which, in my rambly way, reminds me of when I was a research tech before I started school again. I loved my job- it was always interesting, and although there were some tasks that were more mundane than others, there were so many different experiments and duties that kept me on my toes. However, one job I definitely dreaded the most: staining paraffin slides of tissue--and the subsequent counting cells/vessels under the scope. Sure, the stained slides are so pretty to look at- once, or maybe even twice. But sliding the slide around looking through the microscope for hours was a sure way to give me a lovely headache of dizziness. 
But even worse than that was the staining process. When I first started, I had to gather all my slides and go to a collaborating lab in the next tower to stain them. You had to take off the paraffin wax off the tissue by dunking the slides in different concentrations of solutions. Boring, but not bad. The scary part was you had to "cook" the slides in a solution to prep the slides for staining, and the lab's method was boiling them in an ancient pressure cooker in the microwave. It had this heavy clunky rubber top on the top that could release the steam, and sometimes it was hard to get the top of the lid on properly. You knew you got the lid on right if it hissed continuously in the microwave like an angry cat or something.

see? scarrryyy. that red cap was evil

To get the lid off the pot after it was finished was the truly scary part. You had to fill the entire sink with cold water, and try to relieve as much steam/pressure as possible or else that rubber top could fly off and pop out your eyeball. When my co-worker showed me how to do thsi procedure, he was laughingly telling me how the PI almost lost his eye doing this b/c he didn't let out all the steam and the rubber top flew off and almost hit him! Yeah...that made me just looove staining slides.

So yes. pressure cookers. They can explode in scary ways. Hopefully board studying won't make me explode in a similar way. I might lose something worse than my eye. Like my sanity :( Hence...blog revival, yay!

Rafting Fun (?)

Now that I'm virtually pain free with the small exception of a slight twinge in my abs here and there, I feel as though I can more successfully blog about the busy busy weekend. It was fun, although I think it honestly wasn't as fun as I had hoped it would be, mostly due to extenuating circumstances. And exhaustion. Friday we had a garage sale, so late Thursday night and early Friday morning my procrastinating family was running around trying to put things together, and then Morgan and I sat around all day in my garage, attempting to sell off knick knacks. And surprisingly to all of us, we even made a couple hundred bucks! Definitely a big surprise for sure, especially since we had to cut things short because of the hail. My mom was worried about her car, so we had to drag things to one side so I could run and put her car in the garage. I ran out and got immediately soaked and hit with hail, and of course by the time I got her car in the garage the hail stopped. Typical Colorado weather.
Saturday was, of course, the prime reason for all the pain: white water rafting, class IV rapids in high water, the highest it has apparently been since 1955. That makes for high adrenaline and massive rapids. For me, I think that sent me into more of a "oh crap, massive fear" mode instead of a "ah yeah, sweeet" mood, lol. I've seriously got holes in my memory of the "more awesome" moments of our rafting excursion, like when we apparently went over some sort of huge rapid and almost capsized. I have no idea what anyone in my raft is talking about when they mention it. The fear was pretty big for me, especially since I can't swim and the water was COLD, but I definitely did have fun. How can you not, flying over rapids like that? Irene and I, the only girls of our raft BOTH fell off the raft (so much for girl power) though, which was slightly pathetic. I still have no idea how I fell off. I even have bruises on my knee and shin from trying to "dig" my foot into the raft. Well the shin bruise is from that anyways, the knee I think is from rubbing the corner so much while paddling. It's faded to a lovely multicolored stage now, half purple and half green.
Unfortunately, all that rafting fun meant Sunday I was sore all over. I couldn't even walk properly, and had to sort of shuffle along. My family went to the Colorado Symphony Orchestra concert at Red Rocks (45 min late due to a broken radiator :( ) and it's a pretty far walk from the car to the actual amphitheater, and I had to sort of limp/shuffle along. I probably looked like I was drunk! But due to our lovely broken radiator on the poor Accord, it made for a long Sunday too, so I feel like I've only now recovered from all the long days of the weekend. Just in time for DC!

Freedom Plans..with fireworks!

It's 8:20am on a work day, and what am I doing? Not rushing around to eat because I spent too much time getting ready (again). Not trying to find a pair of socks or grab my lunch. Why? Because I'm freeeeee! But it is definitely a weird feeling, just as my coworker warned me it would be. Even though I have a full month off, it's still going to be busy in a good way, with a couple short trips and fun 1 day activities, but it all makes me nervous, because I know what's coming afterwards: a TON of studying and most likely frenzied panic with moving and settling in, and dealing with more exams and memorization than I've ever had. And this time, all the facts and information I soak in isn't just to make a grade, it counts. Big time. Sure it's to make a grade and pass the boards, but a large majority of it needs to stick for the next 40 years or so. Eeek!
It's sort of intimidating to think about, so I'm trying not to, at least for another couple of weeks. Until then, my house and especially my room needs cleaning. I figure it's probably easier to figure out what to pack up and take and what to leave and/or toss if it doesn't look like it got hit by a mini tornado. I was planning to take care of it yesterday, but in honor of the holiday I went to go see fireworks in Westminster, and they were AWESOME! Morgan and I sat in a field, and it was sort of like watching a 3-D movie because the fireworks looked like they were coming right at you. I've never sat so close to the fireworks before; usually I've sat pretty far away so I never got the in-your-face-it-looks-like-sparks-are-about-to-fall-on-your-head effect. But I highly recommend it, although we found it would have helped to be armed with some mosquito spray. It's a good thing we weren't any closer though, because at the other edge of the field, some of the sparks actually didn't go out, and set some bushes on fire!
At least I got to strike one of the things I wanted to do before school off my list: watching fireworks. Until then, all my other things shall remain active: hiking, Canvas and Cocktails, white water rafting, boating, and sleeping (which shall always be active, of course). Must get all the fun out of me so that I'll actually want to go back to school :)

Let the Free Times Roll

My blogging habits have slowly gotten lazier and lazier, which is, as I recall, sort of what happened years ago when I used to update this thing a lot in high school before I revived it from blogger cemetery recently. But this is (hopefully) about to change! I left my job two days ago (end of the month) so it seems for random parts of the next month I shall have free time! Freeee!!!! I think it's been a long time since I've had vacation for an extended period of time. After a pretty productive year including two publications, two first author publications on the way and happy med school with options(! hehe), I get a month to "chill". Which shall hopefully include cleaning my room thoroughly instead of just cleaning the immediate messes, exercising (thanks Irene for the two week 24 hour pass, which I shall activate Tuesday), cooking, vacation-ing, learning Mandarin (again, thanks Irene :) ) and...blogging! hehe.
Unfortunately, along with free time unfortunately comes...spending money, or wishing to spend money. For a sort of stingy person like me, that's not happy, especially because I like to window shop and buy pretty things, but then sort of regret it when I see all the money come out of my checking account, lol. I already totaled the amount of money I want to spend this month on makeup/tool items, and it's almost $70. Add that to rafting, canvas and cocktails and a nice dinner or two with the bf, and it's gonna be like $200+ this month, without my usual other random life purchases that are unplanned and inevitable, and my two travel vacations this month. Noooooooo! *Shudder*. Lol. I don't know why I'm so weird with my money because I do spend quite a bit each month, but I guess it's time to just suck it up and have a little fun with it before I go 160 grand in debt. So I guess I'm going to shut my eyes to my bank account, ignore all that current and future red, hang with my friends and the good ole bf, and let the free (and good, because I know that's how the saying really goes) roll :)

Etiquette

*Whew, had to edit this slightly before posting cuz I sounded too much like a crazy person on a rant! Which, I sort of was, after having been thoroughly pissed off by a coworker having a bad day. Sorry if this still sounds slightly manic, it's hard to do a quick edit, plus it's been a lazy day :)* But anyhoo, having manners and being polite seems to be a dying art, just like good drivers. My parents definitely hammered them into my sister and me so I think we're probably too polite (which I do understand can be annoying at times too), but even without that, shouldn't it be common sense? Someone does something for you. You thank the person. Life goes on its merry way. Sounds so simple, yet it doesn't seem to be happening much anymore. I wish it was more like that old commercial, possibly with the Volkswagon Bug? Where someone sees it and does something nice for someone, who then does something nice for someone else, etc. The whole doing something nice because you see a pretty car is odd, but the rest of it I think is what is important. And I guess the fact that I still remember the commercial even though I haven't seen it for years means that it probably was a very effective commercial, unless it wasn't actually advertising a Volkswagon Bug. But I digress. The point I'm trying to make here, is that I hope someday people revive what seems to be dying. Manners should be one of those things that never go out of style.

Post-it notes

I have a confession to make: I have a sad, very sad addiction. To Post-it notes. Yes, seriously, I am not kidding. I love sticking them everywhere. At work, I've got 3 different colors of post-it note pads. And at home, I've got 2 post-it note pads, both green, and both lined (makes it better). I'm not sure if it actually keeps more organized, but at least they're all stuck to my desk so I can't lose them! I've got lists, chores, random scrawls, even the code for my blog to turn the font blue scrawled all over random ones. Hehehehe, see they're useful for something :)

My Weekly Lessons

My posts are slowly becoming more and more infrequent. Whoopsies. Oh well. This past week I've been slowly relaxing again after a hectic American Thoracic Society conference week. My first international conference, I felt like such a grown up! I felt so relieved after last Wednesday, after my (short) presentation, and I didn't realize how much I was worrying about it until after it passed. And now it's nice to not have to motivate myself to go and practice yet another time. So this weekend was nice and relaxing, especially since we postponed (yet again, I live in a family of procrastinators it seems) our garage sale until June. So I feel like in this past week to week and a half I've learned a lot, and not just about lungs.
1. The whole saying about the more prepared you are the more relaxed you'll be is TRUE!!! :D Well, sort of. I was pretty prepared for my talk and studied like crazy, researching and memorizing all these answers to possible questions, and actually lucky for me I got asked some variations of those questions. But I was still nervous as hell, but I guess since I was prepared, I didn't stumble as bad, so the prep work did help I think. But leads me to point two.
2. If nervous, do not twist/shred a kleenex in your hands. Otherwise you will end up with white linty dusty crap all over your suit. Not professional. Oops.
3. It's possible to ventilate a lung in a jar. SO awesome!
4. Not really a lesson since I pretty much already knew this, but I guess I had a confirmation that even with a topic you're pretty comfortable with (in my case, lung mesenchymal stem cells, which I've worked with a little over a year now), it's still possible to be completely dumbfounded with aspects of the topic. Can you say secresome?
5. For me, the key I've discovered to clothes shopping last weekend, is XXSP. How pathetic is that. I had no idea I was that small. Truthfully I'm not actually that short, but it seems I've got to sacrifice length for the rest of me. Dangit.
6. It is possible to build an 8 foot tall Yoda without looking at instructions inside a busy mall. Another awesome discovery, I might add.

All in all, a highly interesting and informative week, I should say.

Assertiveness

As I exchanged presentation slides with my boss in preparation for a lung conference in a couple weeks, I learned a curious thing. My boss has decided that I'm not assertive enough (ok, which I grudgingly admit is true), and so she spent the morning buying me books on Amazon on how to be more assertive. One of which, I might add, is a children's book written for 7 year old children. She pointed out that it had good examples (she bought it for her daughter), which is why she bought it for me. It's a weired feeling. I'm flattered that she obviously cares enough about me to worry about my future (she thinks that I'll be taken advantage of in med school if I don't assert myself), but I'm also a little unnerved, since she is technically my boss. I mean do bosses usually care so much about your well-being/future? It's a nice feeling I guess, but still weird.
On the other hand though, maybe if I learn something from the books I would be able to stand up to my demonic coworker, instead of doing what I did today, which was give her a look of confusion/disbelief every time she asked me something stupid, and then stormed around and slammed things on the lab bench for a while. So maybe it's a really good thing and I do have something to learn from all this :)

Rain!

It's so nice to hear the rain falling. We've had plenty of sunshine. The occasional snow shower. But rain? For an extended amount of time? Almost unheard of! Yay for the extra moisture :)

On a total side note, is it completely pathetic that I took an Econ computer programming class and still need to cut and paste code on this blog to get that pretty blue color? Probably :( Oh well.

Where's the Balance?

The world's not fair, get over it. I've heard this many, many times, but I can't get over it. It's a fact, but should it really be? Why is it that sometimes working hard doesn't pay off, or that someone is constantly lucky at everything (or unfortunately, vice versa)? Maybe the world would be too unbalanced, I don't know.

One thing I do know though, is that it became much more apparent in the "working world." I'm more glad than ever that I took a year off to gain work experience in between undergrad and grad school, because I believe I've got much more realistic expectations of what the "real world" will be like. I've seen people at work break things and blame other innocent people for it. People who only talk to others based on their "rank." People who take advantage of other people's kindness. And these are all different people, too. I naively thought all people had integrity, but I guess not. And the world's not fair. Will they face some sort of consequences for their actions? Maybe. Maybe not. We'll never know, another fact of the unfair world. I guess all we can do is hope that the world is more fair than unfair, and that karma does exist.

The Price of Productivity

This weekend I had probably the most productive weekend since maybe graduation. Yes I know, that's quite pathetic, but I've found that I've just been a lazy girl after a week at work. Not that I even work many hours, but that's a different story. But it really couldn't have been better, especially with all the friend-catching up I got. A quick Starbucks run with my friend visiting from NM and then family Larkburger trip and Target run rounded out late morning to early afternoon, then hospice visit, work and double date dinner. Plus walking around 16th street that I am not embarrassed to admit counted as my weekend "exercise." Sunday was cleaning and errand running. I'm not really sure how my room doesn't really look any cleaner, but I swear I actually cleaned it. Perhaps because most of it was dusting with my new Swiffer duster, which actually really sucks (awful gimmick! booo) But anyways, in all my basking in productivity, what did I receive? Worst f-ing migraine ever. Seriously, it woke me up at about 2 this morning and popped up on and off all early-morning until I nixed it for good with a nap. Puh. Stupid weather changes. I've got an interesting family. We could seriously be hired to predict the weather, or at least the pressure changes.

Checking Out the Brain

Usually it's my dad who's says hilarious things. Or me, which is part of how I am really similar to my dad. We both have this habit of not quite remembering how sayings go, so we sort of jumble it a bit, which always makes for lots of laughs. But at least we can laugh at ourselves, right?

But anyways, yesterday, the funny quote of the day went to my mom. It was amusing in a different way. Not because she misquoted a saying (she never does that, it's just me and my dad) but because of how she phrased things. I was up in my room, surfing the net, and I hear my mom yell out, "Kel! Wanna check out my brain??" I laughed, and went to go and see, and my mom was standing in the kitchen, holding her MRI scans to the light, trying to figure out which way to hold them. My dad came to look too, and informed me that mom was "trying to find the hole in her head" that was left from the removal of her brain tumor. None of us, obviously knew anything about the scans, but we couldn't see any holes, which is probably a good sign. All I could identify in the MRIs were my mom's eyeballs. After the three of us squinted at them for a while, she packed them away and was taking them upstairs when my sister finally came down. On the stairs, my mom told my sister something along the lines of, "you're too late to look at my head." Definitely an amusing few minutes :)

Movin On

Well, I guess unfortunately this turned out to be more like a four year circle than I would have liked. Yesterday I found out I was rejected from CU. Not even waitlisted, no, but flat out denied. And yes, I will admit, there were a ton of tears and frustrations pouring out. I cried so much on the way home from picking up my mom yesterday afternoon that my nose got so plugged that I actually gave myself a headache, probably from lack of oxygen. Pathetic I know, but I just wanted to go here that badly. And truthfully, perhaps I did get my hopes up a bit too much. I mean, you're supposed to have the best chance at getting into your state school for heaven's sake. So yes, perhaps a touch cocky? Or no, not cocky but definitely a bit too hopeful.
I know in a ton of ways I'm still incredibly lucky, I did get into medical school, and unlike undergrad, I actually have a choice of where I want to go. But I'm kind of bummed, that I have a choice between two sort of low tier schools. I loved CU and it's especially hard when you hear of the people you know celebrating cuz they got into that exact same school. Sad day.
But I do admit I'm feeling a lot better about it. The road's gonna be a lot tougher, but it's still very walkable. And it's amusing to me how some good things can still come of it. I was so depressed yesterday I passed on going to the hospice to visit my patient, even though I had it all planned. But today, I got this call saying the hospice has the Norwalk virus, which is apparently a highly contagious virus that gives you bad food poisoning. So I guess it would've been likely that I would've gotten it had I come in yesterday like I would have if I had gotten into CU. Ha! Sort of an amusing thought :)
So unfortunately I've got to make the hard decision I didn't want to make, but I'm heavily heavily leaning on going to Chicago over New York. But if Temple comes through for me (fingers tightly crossed on this one, please please please!) then Philly it is!! But for now I just gotta grin (or maybe grimace a bit) and bear it, and move on. And I hope people visit me in Chicago or PHilly, wherever I go :)

Time Management. Or Lack Thereof

For the umpteenth time this year, I'm wondering where all the time is going. It's already March?!?! Which also means that at any point I could finally hear back from CU. That should be good news, but now I'm just extremely nervous. Definitely my top choice, but....still. There's always that nagging feeling. I'm not sure I want to really stay here. I wish Rosalind Franklin was a better school. Or that I got in to Temple, and it was like $15,000 a year cheaper.
The only nice things about time progressing so fast is definitely the incoming warmer weather.
Now if I could only get off work earlier to enjoy it :) But instead, it's sitting in front of the computer. And now I've got to start coming in on Saturdays too. I mean, I shouldn't complain, I don't work 40 hours/week like most normal people, but I still get sort of exhausted from the work week. And for living only like 10 miles away from work, it still takes a half hour each way which I find kind of odd for living so close. But oh well, why quibble. I just feel like I have no more time for myself. I've got so many things to do that keep getting put off, but I never really know why. I honestly don't know what I do with my time. Scary isn't it? I guess it's time to start managing my time better, even my down time. Which is sort of sad, too. But oh well. I guess it'd help if I cut down on my amount of sleep, but that just makes me too cranky. If only there was a 'stop time momentarily' button that I could press every now and then....And now I suppose it's time to get off the computer to do some of the stuff I've been putting off, like fixing my closet. Dang.