Manliness

For the upteenth time in a row, I've received another schtick for yet another new credit card in the mail. The catch? The pretty little envelope reads Mr. Kelsey Chow. Yes. MR. Besides Kelsey Grammer, what other men have really been named Kelsey? So Credit Card Companies let it be known: even if I do need a new credit card, if you think I'm a man, there really is no way I would consider getting a card from you. After all, if they somehow believe I am gender confused, maybe they might confuse my credit rating too. And that would probably end up being worse. On some days it's actually amusing, but now that more than one company believes I have become a male, it has moved from amusing to annoying. Gah. Kelsey Chow= a woman!

Lab Coats

I got to wear a white lab coat today! It made me feel special :) Except I was probably dwarfed by it, it was so large. I just have one question though: why do they have large slits in them next to the pockets? Such a conundrum. I feel like it'd be easy to try to slip something into your pocket and have it go through the slit and smash onto the floor. Imagine doing that in front of your patient! It would probably either put him or her at ease because their doctor is so comical, or else make them nervous that their doctor is so dumb that she can't even figure out where her pockets are.

The changes

You know it's probably time to update a blog when summer has come, gone, come and gone again. One year and two finally finished degrees later, it's more than a little amusing to see the content of my blog and how drastically my views have changed :D

But one of the biggest things that has changed is....my size. And man is it hard to find jeans! I never realized how difficult it was to find normal (what I call blue-jean colored, which is to say medium-blue) colored, non ripped boot cut jeans. Simple, you say? I think not. They're all faded and weird dark, distressed colors now, and ripped is in, the more the better. I guess in this case trying to strive for what I thought was the norm is now the outliers. Oh well, time to wait for fashion to change yet again so that I may be "in style". Lol, where is Stacy and Clinton when you need them?

Contemplating Summer in the Rain

I've always been a fan of rain, but after what seems like almost two weeks of rain or threats of it, I'm starting to wish for one of those genuinely hot summer days. I tend to get headaches before or when it rains (one of those lovely inherited traits via my mom's family) so it's been a tad on the annoying side lately. The rain makes me want to stay at home, curled up with hot chocolate and a nice book, but the MCAT looming soon means that the nice book will probably be my MCAT review guide, ick.

We've been out of school for almost a month, but I still feel like I just got out. I haven't been productive at all, haven't done any of the nice summery things I wanted to do before I had to study and work, it makes me feel sort of panicked. Even though they're little things, afternoon bowling, friend-catching-up, a day at the museum, I wish I'd tackled at least some of them by now. I miss seeing everybody, both in Boulder and here. It makes me feel as though I crawled into a cave and I lost my flashlight, and everyone is all congregating without me :(
But no matter. It's weird to think about how grown up we all are, spread out on both sides of the country and out of it, at work at fancy jobs. I can't even remember those high school summers anymore, where no one worked, maybe a small volunteering job a couple days a week, and the rest was left up to lazing away. I guess it's time to stop wishing and start looking for my flashlight. After all, with some time management, there is still plenty of time left.

Changing Seasons

Everyone always feels like Colorado has crazy weather, and I have to agree, but I feel like it's kind of like that no matter where you are sometimes. I remember in Calgary it snowed once in the summer, and then melted quickly the next day, much like what happened last Thursday. It was actually quite beautiful, the rapid melting of snow that resulted in smoke/fog rising from the road. It was quite fun to drive around in it.
There aren't really seasons anymore, I feel like, or at least no more transitions from one to the next. It melds into something more like two: hot, dry summer/spring-ish, and then cold, semi-wet fall/winter, although spring can definitely be more like the winter, like it is now. I feel like my feelings kind of follow the seasons, having no borders and they just...change. And I always feel much happier when the sun's out, like nothing can go wrong on a sunny day. Too bad it's not always sunny.

Thicker skin

Sometimes I wish I could be a better person, be the bigger person and just let things go. But I can't. I know I'm a little hypocritical, but there are things I just can't get over, let go, or forget. I know I need to develop a thicker skin, but it's just harder than it seems. I know it's not gonna grow overnight, but I wish I could just miraculously not care what people think about me. There are always going to be people who like you and people who won't, but I still hate it when people dislike me or whatever. It still stings to be called a bitch seriously, without all the jokes and playful common banter.
It's getting close enough to my birthday that my family's starting to ask what I want. It's too bad that I can't just wish for a thicker skin so I won't care what people think. It would've been the perfect gift.

It's a Small World After All

It never stops surprising me when I realize how small the world is and how it seems like everyone somehow knows each other. In one way, it's pretty neat, and in another way, almost borders on creepy.
Sometimes I wish I didn't go to Boulder and that I could've started fresh somewhere else, but I also think it was nice to stay. I'm a sucker for the status quo a lot of the times, and I'm not so good with meeting new people. I've decided that I must be unmemorable, because a lot of the times, people can never quite seem to remember my name, although it could just be that they always seem to be slightly drunk when I'm introducing myself.
It's not a big deal that people I meet seem to know half of my friends, even people from high school, it's just slightly shocking. And kind of makes me realize how old we all really are, since high school is edging further and further away from our present college life. I mean, we're over halfway done with college already. When did that happen?

The Reasons

In high school, we always learned that there were at least two sides to every story a la TOK. But sometimes, I feel like despite how each person sees things, there should be statements they have in common, things that really happened and are not subject to opinion. I also think that there is almost always a reason for everything. There is a reason why people act the way they do, say or don't say the things they say. And to just assume something about a person based just off their words or actions without taking the time to maybe see why she said it or did it is wrong. Everyone does it, myself included, but maybe it's time to slow things down.

Infinite Ways

What's always interesting to me is how one meeting can be viewed an infinite amount of different ways. To one person it may be a small argument, to the other, a huge blowout. A kiss on the cheek could show promise for the future from one side, while from the other it can be viewed as a casual goodbye to someone just met.
But what I've come to realize is that the only reality, the main interpretation is the one that I see, because I have to live with it every day. And I'm not so rigid that I won't change my view if it needs to be tweaked. I'm tired of having to explain and defend myself when someone sees me as a completely different person from who I am. Maybe that's what people mean about people on the same wavelength, seeing eye to eye. I think that could potentially save a lot of arguments. Not that differences in opinion are bad, but just continuous ones, I guess.
I want to not have to defend myself for being told that I'm something I'm not, not have to apologize for things I haven't done or said. And if I want to think something could happen out of a casual kiss on the cheek, then I think I deserve to.

Little ghosts

For some weird reason, our Xbox kept mysteriously turning on yesterday. It was a bit creepy to walk down the hallway and hear the whirring and the green glow of the power button of the machine all the time. I had to unplug it, it was becoming so often. I tried to watch it for a while, but it never turned on while I was there. We must have a ghost in that room or something.

The windows of my new Bear Creek apartment are broken, and with the wind howling this afternoon, it made weird noises in my place, along with the shades in my room banging around because I couldn't quite shut my window. I had to move my desk aside and slam the stupid thing shut it was getting so annoying. Although the bar stools in this room are cooler than last year's, I have to say I significantly enjoy my last year's room more. The lights are brighter and the room didn't come with things broken. But still, it's nice and big and all my own, even if it is a bit lonely. I just hope this place has no ghosts to turn things on when I'm not looking.

Simply Magnificent

Last night I watched the sunset from the light rail. It was nice to see it with the stunning Denver skyline and mountains, instead of only seeing the clouds purple peeking out from all the rooftops. It was simply magnificent, it made me wish I had a photographic memory or something to capture it, since I figured my phone would definitely not do it justice, since the camera pretty much sucks, and the reflection from the window would make it look like one big glare I bet.

Lately I've been trying to relax a little more and not think/worry so much about things that are out of my control. As Irene says, I have to try and only worry/care 60% of what I usually do. It's a bit hard for me, especially when I resume MCAT studying and realize how much freaking info I don't know. Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, reading and music help the most. Linkin Park's new CD, or I guess not really new but latest one anyways, is quite soothing, in a sort of depressing manner. But it's not quite as screaming cuss words as loud as possible as their other ones. Leave Out All the Rest is my favorite, and there's a lot of times when I feel exactly like the lyrics. That is one awesome CD, if you ask me.

I head out in a little less than two weeks, and part of me is so excited to get out of here and back on my own, although I know the rest of me would rather stay here, away from all that schooling. I want to just sit in bed and read all day. I've been addicted to Jim Butcher books lately. All that sci fi and fantasy, can't help it.
If my one-year-ago self looked at me now, sitting at home all day studying the MCAT and reading Jim Butcher books and basically being uber lazy, I think the old me would've died laughing.

Open Door

There was an open door between us
Once upon a time
For easy talking
Easy viewing
We went back and forth a lot
In lots of different ways

It was always open
You wanted it open
And then you closed it
Out of the blue
You didn’t just shut the door
You slammed it
And locked it behind you
The funny thing is
You were the one
Who wanted it open in the first place.

Ping Pong

Table tennis is slowly and grudgingly becoming that weekly Friday night habit. The Chinese sport, haha. I have no idea how four girls around a large green table can cause insane hyperness, but somehow it does. I've been unearthing my witch laugh again. Last week it was enough to reignite a fire log. This week, make my friends laugh so hard they missed the ping pong ball.

It's made me realize how much I love chilling with friends. Like once a week I can crawl out of that hermit shell for a few hours. But it's also made me realize how much I've been abandoning others. Leaving behind one group for another. It sucks, but sort of inevitable, I guess. Like entropy. Maybe I need to put in a little energy to change that.

Grrr BCH

After applying again for Boulder Community Hospital for like the third time I still can't get in. Why? Because of a damn computer glitch that caused them to not get my application for like a month. So not my fault. Screw you, BCH.
But I'm not so mad really. Breathe in, breathe out. Focus on trying to get that one last job opportunity. Crossing fingers really really hard! I'm starting to climb up again after falling a bit. It's a nice feeling.

Repairing

I don't think I've felt this good in almost two months. I actually feel really genuinely happy for the first time in a while. Not just happy...more like...whole, I guess. It's a nice nice feeling. I'm trying to focus on the positive, not wallow in self-pity, and look forward to the rest of summer. I can't believe I'm a month into summer already. I feel like I sorta wasted it, but I'm not going to waste the rest. Maybe this time I'll actually do more of the things I wanted to. Go to Elitch's for the first time in like 7 or 8 years, maybe see another concert and not get totally lost on the way this time, try to keep more in touch with friends this time around, and maybe study a bit for hte MCAT. There's always so much I want to do, but somehow I always end up being lazy and never get much of it done.

I've spent too much time being angry this year, angry and disappointed. Time to fix it. I'm ready to talk now. And listen.

Europe tomorrow. I wish I could say I was excited, but I just don't feel it yet. Maybe it's just been one too many cruises and the idea of having to dress up for dinner and waking up at 6 every day for 2 weeks is discouraging me from being too happy. But I'm sure I'll be excited once I'm there. I mean it's EUROPE. I've never been anywhere in Europe, well, except for St. Petersburg but that doesn't really count. And it'll be nice to leave here for two weeks and have a good distraction from the mess of everything here.
The idea of having no job and no medical scholars program to fall back on and adjusting to everything isn't very great to look forward to when I come back, but whatever. At least I won't have to do lab work when I take my nursing classes, that's always a definite plus. I have to make a decision about whether or not I want to continue, but I'm leaning towards not continuing with it. The time commitment is seriously depressing me. But I have two months of contemplating to figure out what I want to do with everything. Including lab work. And making sure medicine is what I want to do. And how to deal with being single again. At least I've got 2 long plane trips to start seriously thinking about it all.

Ever growing ailments

So I guess now I can add TB scare to my ever growing list of ailments, especially within the past 6 months. Had to have a TB test for my annoying Nurse Aide class, and of course there hadto be controversy over it. My doctor and a nurse thought it was negative and the PA thought it was positive. So then i had to get a chest X-ray and need another skin test when I get back from Europe :( Add this to a possible thyroid problem and mysterious fainting and foot pain/cramping and tailbone inflammation and voila, all my mysterious maladies from the past semester. Ick. All I can say is, I hope my bloodwork comes out normal this time, although having a thyroid problem might not be such a bad thing, seeing as how then I'd probably be able to gain some weight.

The 4.0

I think people have this miraculous idea that all you need in life is a good GPA. This belief probably makes the list of top incorrect notions of all time. Cuz seriously, I think I'm sadly living proof that this is sooo not true. So fuck it. It hasn't done anything for me except gotten me some disbelief stares. And stressed me out so much that I open my piehole without thinking. And not really helped me achieve my dreams or whatever. So might as well relax a bit next year, right? Hasn't really done much anyways, and then maybe I can do more things like clubs and volunteering and stuff. Although what would also help with this is a car, too.

Whoosh

It hit me last night, like a big whoosh of realization. Watching the Holiday yesterday after ochem was weird but fun, seeing as how I haven't seen it with a group of friends since the first time I saw it. And, unfortunately, some of the things in the movie hit home right away, and not just from my present. I feel very lonely. I'm going to feel lonely. But you gotta do what you gotta do. And there's always hope and the happy idea of summer in less than a week. :)

Just Another Manic Monday

It's the last week of classes and my first final starts Saturday. And it's ochem, naturally. But today was just the craziest day I've had in a while. And perhaps the breath of fresh air I've needed. In under 24 hours, I've been so sick from something (spoiled milk maybe? I don't know) that I fainted in my bathroom at three in the morning, saw Harold and Kumar, had my first taste of white wine mixed with sprite in the movie, and scaled a wire fence.
I have to say, seeing a movie on a school night was something kind of refreshing. I guess I'm such a nerd that that kind of thing never really struck me as appealing. But the movie was funny, and the poem at the end is hilarious. I've decided that I am going to recite it to the first cute guy I see. Just kidding. The wine was strong, even mixed with Sprite, and I must say I think it tastes kind of weird. And scaling a fence is actually easier than I thought. Except it was also higher than I thought, and my landing I would say was probably less than graceful, especially with my scream.
I would have to say my fainting was also probably less than graceful too, although I'm not positive. It was possibly one of the scariest moments of my life. It was so weird, I felt sooo sick for like 15 minutes, and then I was fine. But it's times like these where I feel especially lonely and wish I had roommates, cuz I had no idea what to do, like if I should call someone or just wait it out. I even had some emo thoughts about how I was gonna die and no one would find my body or know where I was since I had no roommates and stuff. I know, very stupid and weird, but I guess I was sort of panicking. And I must say, this early morning for the first time I was glad to have a handicap room, because the metal rods everywhere on the bathroom walls by the toilet is what actually woke me up I think. But I don't think I was out for long, anyways.
I can't believe just these few experiences have probably been the highlight of the month. But I guess it's just been that kind of month: long, hard, and boring. And today's just another manic Monday.