Europe tomorrow. I wish I could say I was excited, but I just don't feel it yet. Maybe it's just been one too many cruises and the idea of having to dress up for dinner and waking up at 6 every day for 2 weeks is discouraging me from being too happy. But I'm sure I'll be excited once I'm there. I mean it's EUROPE. I've never been anywhere in Europe, well, except for St. Petersburg but that doesn't really count. And it'll be nice to leave here for two weeks and have a good distraction from the mess of everything here.
The idea of having no job and no medical scholars program to fall back on and adjusting to everything isn't very great to look forward to when I come back, but whatever. At least I won't have to do lab work when I take my nursing classes, that's always a definite plus. I have to make a decision about whether or not I want to continue, but I'm leaning towards not continuing with it. The time commitment is seriously depressing me. But I have two months of contemplating to figure out what I want to do with everything. Including lab work. And making sure medicine is what I want to do. And how to deal with being single again. At least I've got 2 long plane trips to start seriously thinking about it all.

Ever growing ailments

So I guess now I can add TB scare to my ever growing list of ailments, especially within the past 6 months. Had to have a TB test for my annoying Nurse Aide class, and of course there hadto be controversy over it. My doctor and a nurse thought it was negative and the PA thought it was positive. So then i had to get a chest X-ray and need another skin test when I get back from Europe :( Add this to a possible thyroid problem and mysterious fainting and foot pain/cramping and tailbone inflammation and voila, all my mysterious maladies from the past semester. Ick. All I can say is, I hope my bloodwork comes out normal this time, although having a thyroid problem might not be such a bad thing, seeing as how then I'd probably be able to gain some weight.

The 4.0

I think people have this miraculous idea that all you need in life is a good GPA. This belief probably makes the list of top incorrect notions of all time. Cuz seriously, I think I'm sadly living proof that this is sooo not true. So fuck it. It hasn't done anything for me except gotten me some disbelief stares. And stressed me out so much that I open my piehole without thinking. And not really helped me achieve my dreams or whatever. So might as well relax a bit next year, right? Hasn't really done much anyways, and then maybe I can do more things like clubs and volunteering and stuff. Although what would also help with this is a car, too.

Whoosh

It hit me last night, like a big whoosh of realization. Watching the Holiday yesterday after ochem was weird but fun, seeing as how I haven't seen it with a group of friends since the first time I saw it. And, unfortunately, some of the things in the movie hit home right away, and not just from my present. I feel very lonely. I'm going to feel lonely. But you gotta do what you gotta do. And there's always hope and the happy idea of summer in less than a week. :)

Just Another Manic Monday

It's the last week of classes and my first final starts Saturday. And it's ochem, naturally. But today was just the craziest day I've had in a while. And perhaps the breath of fresh air I've needed. In under 24 hours, I've been so sick from something (spoiled milk maybe? I don't know) that I fainted in my bathroom at three in the morning, saw Harold and Kumar, had my first taste of white wine mixed with sprite in the movie, and scaled a wire fence.
I have to say, seeing a movie on a school night was something kind of refreshing. I guess I'm such a nerd that that kind of thing never really struck me as appealing. But the movie was funny, and the poem at the end is hilarious. I've decided that I am going to recite it to the first cute guy I see. Just kidding. The wine was strong, even mixed with Sprite, and I must say I think it tastes kind of weird. And scaling a fence is actually easier than I thought. Except it was also higher than I thought, and my landing I would say was probably less than graceful, especially with my scream.
I would have to say my fainting was also probably less than graceful too, although I'm not positive. It was possibly one of the scariest moments of my life. It was so weird, I felt sooo sick for like 15 minutes, and then I was fine. But it's times like these where I feel especially lonely and wish I had roommates, cuz I had no idea what to do, like if I should call someone or just wait it out. I even had some emo thoughts about how I was gonna die and no one would find my body or know where I was since I had no roommates and stuff. I know, very stupid and weird, but I guess I was sort of panicking. And I must say, this early morning for the first time I was glad to have a handicap room, because the metal rods everywhere on the bathroom walls by the toilet is what actually woke me up I think. But I don't think I was out for long, anyways.
I can't believe just these few experiences have probably been the highlight of the month. But I guess it's just been that kind of month: long, hard, and boring. And today's just another manic Monday.

Rollercoaster

It was supposed to be warm and sunny today. And yet, the wind and all made it pretty chilly. Darn. Wasn't such a fun day, with grades being posted (screw ochem) and officer elections and more tests this week and finals in two weeks, eek. It's nice to be near the end but scary at the same time.
It's been such a roller-coaster-type day, very up and down. It just makes me feel weird, like I should be happier, or be sadder. I'm trying to walk down the middle road, and it seems to kind of be working out well, not really sure.
Can the weekend come already? I needs a good long break again.

It's so weird feeling to me right now. I just finished two intense intense weeks of school, and now, I don't know what to do with myself. I still have a lot of studying for macro right now, but I'm just waay too lazy to do so right now. I wanna walk around in the warm sunshine for the first time in weeks in my sundress.

My view that it is impossible to be unhappy when the sun is out and it's a nice day has now been proven wrong. But oh well. I hope I'm far away from home as possible when it hits 4:20.

Shaking off the Cobwebs

It's already been two days and I'm still completely sore from Sunday's soccer game. It's been a good four solid years since I've touched a soccer ball or done any serious running, so I kind of knew I was in for this, but still...being this sore is no fun. I feel like an old old lady; I can't even walk straight. Yesterday I think every muscle in my body ached: my chest, the front and back of both my upper and lower legs, my stomach/abs, my butt... I feel quite pathetic, especially since I didn't really do all that much running and my contribution was pretty much nothing to my team.
One guy said it best, although he was talking more about himself, that it's all about shaking off the cobwebs, but he is shaking off a year. I'm shaking off four. Without cleats, which I didn't realize were so important. I was the only one without cleats on the field, and I was slipping around everywhere. I felt like such a newbie.
I always wanted to play coed intramural soccer, so I guess I definitely got what I wanted, though maybe not quite what I expected. Definitely very very different from girls soccer and PE. Once I get over all this pathetic soreness I'll dig around for my old soccer cleats and start shaking off all the cobwebs.

Planting Trees

I'm contemplating planting some trees. Especially since they're so good for the environment, you know. Plus, my dad totally hacked off some of the branches from the tree outside my window at home. And almost fell off the roof doing so. Again, right outside my window. Talk about heart attacks all around. Poor dad. Poor tree.

We all laugh when we talk about planting trees. And setting up scarecrows in our forest. And the type of trees to plant. I'd laugh if anything we tried to grow actually sprouted.

I hate waiting for the phone to ring. And expectations and hopes being let down. The sun was shining today but it was deceptively quite cold. I used to judge the weather and dress myself by looking at whether or not the sun was out. I guess it's time to grow up and in more than one way. I think having personal time helps out with that. All week I've been doing things for my research, for my applications, for my friends, but nothing for me. Nothing that I wanted to do,until I spent some time with myself today. It was nice. I guess I'm not as bad company as I thought.

Wordplay

The poetry writing's coming back. But I'm still a little rusty. Really rusty to be honest. And all that's coming out is totally emo, damnit. The words only come out when I get frustrated. Must work on that.

Flexible Fantasy

I was shadowing a radiologist today, and I don't know why I was thinking about it while staring at incomprehensible black and white blobs, but i was thinking about dreams. You know how everyone dreams of Prince Charming and the all that? Nobody ever gets their perfect ideal person, but when do you hold fast to your dreams and when should you be flexible? Reality is always better than the dream, but sometimes I feel like you shouldn't compromise on what you want. If anyone told me I shouldn't be a doctor, I'd be the first to go out and prove them wrong, like that damn valedictorian woman. But should it always be that way?

Snowflakes and Sunshine

It actually snowed here Saturday night. And I'm writing about it now, cuz I've been waay to lazy and busy to do it until now. I was pretty cold, being in, of course, sandals and a light jacket since it was actually really nice when I left the house. And I mean, who goes shopping for 9 hours, really? Besides my crazy family, I guess. My sister takes Forever in the changing rooms. But anyways, it was so pretty seeing the snowflakes land on the car window. It reminds me of when I was little, and I had this book about snow and snowflakes. I'd read it all the time. People always say that no two snowflakes are alike, but you know, I read this thing once a few years back that said that there actually have been two snowflakes found that are identical. Interesting, no?

But now that all the snow is melted and it's like 60 degrees outside, I'm much happier. It's not supposed to snow when it's springtime. And I much prefer t-shirt weather and skirt weather and all of it, except that sunshine sort of makes me lazy. And sleepy. But I love it all the same. I think it's almost impossible to be sad when it's such a nice day out. Now if only the trees would start to bud. That would make me really happy :)

In a way sometimes I think that not having much work to do can be almost as bad as having too much. I've become afflicted with an acute case of laziness. I have physics due tomorrow, but I'm almost finished and I just can't will myself to completely get it done, on account of not immediately knowing how to do it. I feel like just ditching work and classes and sleep. And sort out what I want to do. I'm not sure the whole doctor thing fits me anymore.
I'm always torn about what to do about so many things. I wish I could just split myself in two, and have one part of me live one way, and say everything I want to, and then the other part live the other way, and keep quiet so that I could see what's best. Too bad I'm not a mutant, even though it's Halloween.

Rainy Days

It's all dark and rainy outside. It's been that way almost all weekend, unfortunately. Makes me wanna just curl up inside, nice and cozy, with all the lights on and just read a book, or sleep, or write with some nice hot chocolate. It makes me not wanna do my insane load of homework too, but I think that's more of me blaming the weather, since I never do my work. Somewhere along the way, I've lost my insane drive to get all my work done early. I used to be so productive in high school and last year. I don't know what happened, lol.

I was browsing the CU bookstore a lot last week during my work breaks, and I was looking at all the journals they have there. They've got some real nice ones, some with covers that look like stained glass and stuff, and some are really small that are nice to stick in ur pocket for random moments. I don't know why, but I love journals, yet I'm so lazy to write in them. I need a spark of motivation to start writing again.

Just a Little Late

I can't believe how unbelieveably cold, wet, and rainy it was yesterday. My bedroom window, the one that half faces a brick wall, was stuck ever since I tried to open it to let the smoke out that set off the smoke alarm the one time I cooked dinner. The fraction of space between the window and frame was seriously letting in some freaking cold air while I was trying to study yesterday afternoon, as if I wasn't already distracted enough with everything else.
By the time I got Tsai to help me shut my window, it was like 10:30, after all the rain and cold. A little bit late, but I guess it'll be good for the next time the cold weather comes.

I think I've got bad luck with weather. This is the second time I've been drenched, although nothing beats the first time this summer, when I looked like I took a shower in my clothes, complete with sneakers full of cold water. This time I was fully prepared, and decked out in boots and a jacket, but I still got soaked running to the bus. And in a way it was kinda amusing, since right after I got on the bus, it was still raining, but not hailing and not as hard as it was when I was running for it. What a way to welcome autumn :)

Lei finally brought an umbrella, after it stopped raining, naturally. And now that she's gotten it, I wonder if it's going to continue pouring like it has been this year. It's always one of those things, you know, where once you get something u need to brave the weather, that weather just stops and you're too late.

I've been a little late with a lot of things like that, lately. Like thinking up good things to say to defend myself, saying just the right thing to a friend to make herself feel better, finding the right answer to a physics clicker question. Too bad debate didn't make me think faster on my feet, lol.

"My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with
me.
Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.
What are you thinking of? What thinking?
What?
I never know what you are thinking. Think."
~T.S. Eliot, the Wasteland

Great Expectations

I feel like everytime I look forward to something, a Friday night, looking good for something, or, more likely, someone, it always backfires somehow. Or when I hope that I get out of class or work early, it always feels like time is DRAGGING, or I'm at work twice as long as I expected to be.
Like today. I thought I'd be out of work in an hour and a half at the latest. Wrong. I was there three freaking hours, isolating DNA out of 18 freaking e.coli. Why did I take this job again? Why am I not getting paid? Grr.
I was expecting this year to be different for sure, but definitely not in the way that it is now. I haven't seen half the friends I made last year, and I feel like I've already ran into my first big hill to climb. And I feel like although it's not that big, it's pretty f-ing slippery and I'm kinda falling down it a lot. Or stumbling over rocks that have just spontaneously popped up. And the worse thing about it? It's only been two weeks. I'm not supposed to feel this way until the first midterms hit.
No more cakewalk classes for me anymore :( Even physics I'm kinda struggling through. Even band, I'm having to push really hard to practice even fifteen minutes every other day.
Sometimes I feel kinda like Pip. Except he sorta became an ass for a while there. Wonder if I'm the same way.

Sacrifices

Yesterday as my dad was driving me home for labor day weekend, we had a nice long conversation about life, as always. But this time it wasn't so much of a lecture but an actual conversation. It started out with me complaining, actually. About how some people can get things so easy, things that I've had to bust my ass for. Like jobs. And money. I know so many people who have connections through their parents and other friends. They get higher paying jobs than me from their parents and connections. They don't have to search for a job, it's all lined up for them. Or they get these research jobs through their connections. It took me months to find my position. Same thing with some classes. Though, granted, sometimes I'm lucky with those too. But I mean, classes have always been a bit unfair, what with 20 sections of the same class, all taught by different teachers with different teaching methods. Someone's always gonna have a much easier class than you, and you have an easier class than someone else. I was talking about all this to my dad because I guess I was jealous, of all the people who've had lots of things just handed to them, of all the people who just don't see how great and easier parts of their lives are, and my dad told me why it'd all be worth it in the end. He said that I had to make this sacrifice and work hard for my children, so that I could make the connections that would set my children up in the way that I knew lots of people were set up.
It made me stop feeling jealous and self-centered, and think about all the sacrifices my parents and grandparents made, like my grandfather. I'm sort of ashamed, because until Friday, I actually didn't know much about my grandfather. He died when I was three, and I barely remember him at all, just little flashes, like freeze frames of a movie. When my dad was still in Hong Kong, my grandfather didn't actually have to work, because they got enough money renting out a house. According to my dad, he just went to dim sum a lot, and was happy doing so. But he made the sacrifice of moving to Canada for his family, even though he would've rather not worked and stuff. Apparently, me, my sister, and my dad are all just like my grandfather, since none of us really like having to build connections and beg for jobs.
It also made me think of my mom, because she didn't use to work either. And after her operation, she really didn't want to start working again. But I know that she did to get me and Tiff into college. And it's why we're here, in the States. Even though we moved here because my dad's job moved down here, I'm pretty sure my parents would've been just happy with staying in Calgary, but they always dreamed of me and my sister going to a big college in America. And so we moved.
Our talk made me realize that I just need to suck it up and study hard to make that big sacrifice my dad was reminding me about. I hope it's worth it. I think it will be.

Lost

So although I should really be reading Ulysses, I can't focus much on it. The view from my window, although most of it is really a black oblivion of a brick wall, is actually quite nice. I ccan see the nice open area between building A and B of Bear Creek. It's kind of weird though, with my desk lamp on, because it's acting as a very good mirror, which kind of creeps me out a little.

It's very weird to be back as a sophomore, and I still feel a little lost. Not getting lost around campus like last year, but a little lost inside myself, I guess. I never was very good at adapting, it always took me a while to let things sink in. I was so overwhelmed today, what with the usual parental yelling and associated crying last night about how I should be studying all the time and not socializing, or 'doing sex' or, the lastest, cooking and cleaning my apartment. Plus I almost had the scare of having to give a lab presentation Thursday which I found out was supposed to be like a 30 minute thing and I actually need to prepare slides and shit for, but now, things are good. Presentation postponed, homework and reading done, now I'm just trying to get ahead in English cuz Ulysses is over 600 freaking pages, and I need to finish it for next Friday apparently. But I'm getting back into the studying thing, although I know things will drastically pick up next week, with the research work starting up again, and all the homework starting.
Time always seems to move so slow at the beginning of each semester, but then towards the end and come midterms, seems to move so fast. I'm kind of hoping it'll be the same this year.
It's just weird this year, having to wait to take the bus to classes, meaning I have to leave earlier now, and having to clean and cook. I have to watch who I hang out with, and who I don't. It's just hard to rebalance everything again, now with a few extra additions to my plate. Not that I don't want the new things. It's just different.
Today when Lei, Jessica and I were out at Target, these weird creepy middle-aged white guys turned around and said that we were beautiful, and kept turning to look at us as we were in the parking lot. It was soo odd. I guess I'm not used to that kind of thing. It's just weird, that it's always old people who say that to younger girls, but never guys our own age. Why is that?