Just a Little Late

I can't believe how unbelieveably cold, wet, and rainy it was yesterday. My bedroom window, the one that half faces a brick wall, was stuck ever since I tried to open it to let the smoke out that set off the smoke alarm the one time I cooked dinner. The fraction of space between the window and frame was seriously letting in some freaking cold air while I was trying to study yesterday afternoon, as if I wasn't already distracted enough with everything else.
By the time I got Tsai to help me shut my window, it was like 10:30, after all the rain and cold. A little bit late, but I guess it'll be good for the next time the cold weather comes.

I think I've got bad luck with weather. This is the second time I've been drenched, although nothing beats the first time this summer, when I looked like I took a shower in my clothes, complete with sneakers full of cold water. This time I was fully prepared, and decked out in boots and a jacket, but I still got soaked running to the bus. And in a way it was kinda amusing, since right after I got on the bus, it was still raining, but not hailing and not as hard as it was when I was running for it. What a way to welcome autumn :)

Lei finally brought an umbrella, after it stopped raining, naturally. And now that she's gotten it, I wonder if it's going to continue pouring like it has been this year. It's always one of those things, you know, where once you get something u need to brave the weather, that weather just stops and you're too late.

I've been a little late with a lot of things like that, lately. Like thinking up good things to say to defend myself, saying just the right thing to a friend to make herself feel better, finding the right answer to a physics clicker question. Too bad debate didn't make me think faster on my feet, lol.

"My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with
me.
Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.
What are you thinking of? What thinking?
What?
I never know what you are thinking. Think."
~T.S. Eliot, the Wasteland

Great Expectations

I feel like everytime I look forward to something, a Friday night, looking good for something, or, more likely, someone, it always backfires somehow. Or when I hope that I get out of class or work early, it always feels like time is DRAGGING, or I'm at work twice as long as I expected to be.
Like today. I thought I'd be out of work in an hour and a half at the latest. Wrong. I was there three freaking hours, isolating DNA out of 18 freaking e.coli. Why did I take this job again? Why am I not getting paid? Grr.
I was expecting this year to be different for sure, but definitely not in the way that it is now. I haven't seen half the friends I made last year, and I feel like I've already ran into my first big hill to climb. And I feel like although it's not that big, it's pretty f-ing slippery and I'm kinda falling down it a lot. Or stumbling over rocks that have just spontaneously popped up. And the worse thing about it? It's only been two weeks. I'm not supposed to feel this way until the first midterms hit.
No more cakewalk classes for me anymore :( Even physics I'm kinda struggling through. Even band, I'm having to push really hard to practice even fifteen minutes every other day.
Sometimes I feel kinda like Pip. Except he sorta became an ass for a while there. Wonder if I'm the same way.

Sacrifices

Yesterday as my dad was driving me home for labor day weekend, we had a nice long conversation about life, as always. But this time it wasn't so much of a lecture but an actual conversation. It started out with me complaining, actually. About how some people can get things so easy, things that I've had to bust my ass for. Like jobs. And money. I know so many people who have connections through their parents and other friends. They get higher paying jobs than me from their parents and connections. They don't have to search for a job, it's all lined up for them. Or they get these research jobs through their connections. It took me months to find my position. Same thing with some classes. Though, granted, sometimes I'm lucky with those too. But I mean, classes have always been a bit unfair, what with 20 sections of the same class, all taught by different teachers with different teaching methods. Someone's always gonna have a much easier class than you, and you have an easier class than someone else. I was talking about all this to my dad because I guess I was jealous, of all the people who've had lots of things just handed to them, of all the people who just don't see how great and easier parts of their lives are, and my dad told me why it'd all be worth it in the end. He said that I had to make this sacrifice and work hard for my children, so that I could make the connections that would set my children up in the way that I knew lots of people were set up.
It made me stop feeling jealous and self-centered, and think about all the sacrifices my parents and grandparents made, like my grandfather. I'm sort of ashamed, because until Friday, I actually didn't know much about my grandfather. He died when I was three, and I barely remember him at all, just little flashes, like freeze frames of a movie. When my dad was still in Hong Kong, my grandfather didn't actually have to work, because they got enough money renting out a house. According to my dad, he just went to dim sum a lot, and was happy doing so. But he made the sacrifice of moving to Canada for his family, even though he would've rather not worked and stuff. Apparently, me, my sister, and my dad are all just like my grandfather, since none of us really like having to build connections and beg for jobs.
It also made me think of my mom, because she didn't use to work either. And after her operation, she really didn't want to start working again. But I know that she did to get me and Tiff into college. And it's why we're here, in the States. Even though we moved here because my dad's job moved down here, I'm pretty sure my parents would've been just happy with staying in Calgary, but they always dreamed of me and my sister going to a big college in America. And so we moved.
Our talk made me realize that I just need to suck it up and study hard to make that big sacrifice my dad was reminding me about. I hope it's worth it. I think it will be.

Lost

So although I should really be reading Ulysses, I can't focus much on it. The view from my window, although most of it is really a black oblivion of a brick wall, is actually quite nice. I ccan see the nice open area between building A and B of Bear Creek. It's kind of weird though, with my desk lamp on, because it's acting as a very good mirror, which kind of creeps me out a little.

It's very weird to be back as a sophomore, and I still feel a little lost. Not getting lost around campus like last year, but a little lost inside myself, I guess. I never was very good at adapting, it always took me a while to let things sink in. I was so overwhelmed today, what with the usual parental yelling and associated crying last night about how I should be studying all the time and not socializing, or 'doing sex' or, the lastest, cooking and cleaning my apartment. Plus I almost had the scare of having to give a lab presentation Thursday which I found out was supposed to be like a 30 minute thing and I actually need to prepare slides and shit for, but now, things are good. Presentation postponed, homework and reading done, now I'm just trying to get ahead in English cuz Ulysses is over 600 freaking pages, and I need to finish it for next Friday apparently. But I'm getting back into the studying thing, although I know things will drastically pick up next week, with the research work starting up again, and all the homework starting.
Time always seems to move so slow at the beginning of each semester, but then towards the end and come midterms, seems to move so fast. I'm kind of hoping it'll be the same this year.
It's just weird this year, having to wait to take the bus to classes, meaning I have to leave earlier now, and having to clean and cook. I have to watch who I hang out with, and who I don't. It's just hard to rebalance everything again, now with a few extra additions to my plate. Not that I don't want the new things. It's just different.
Today when Lei, Jessica and I were out at Target, these weird creepy middle-aged white guys turned around and said that we were beautiful, and kept turning to look at us as we were in the parking lot. It was soo odd. I guess I'm not used to that kind of thing. It's just weird, that it's always old people who say that to younger girls, but never guys our own age. Why is that?

Shuffle

I've said this before, but I think that putting your ipod on shuffle sometimes is just what you need to wake you up. Yesterday afternoon I had some mellow Celtic woman song immediately followed by Usher's Yeah. I like the randomness of it all. ANd it makes me appreciate the music I've forgotten.
It makes me think of why I put those songs on my ipod. And helps remember bits of who I am, and who I was back then when I first got my mini. I mean, I've always thought I haven't changed much. In looks or in personality. But when I was looking at my school IDs yesterday, I realized that somewhere between middle school and high school I actually seem like my looks changed a lot. From a kid to an actual teenager. And even in high school, and now, I've still got the same face, the same pointed chin and the same un-Asian eyes, but somehow I've changed slightly every year. And I guess that's true for my personality too. I've been shuffling the cards slightly every once in a while. I've kept my framework but I think I'm a better person now. Or at least happier. But I think what it really is is that I've finally become mature enough to laugh at myself. Which I do a lot now, cuz I say and do the weirdest things a lot. I'm happy to say that maybe I've finally dealt myself the right cards

Can you get dehydrated by crying too much? Just a thought.

A Little Parisian Romance

I went to this little Parisian restaurant for dinner today in Larimer Square, Bistro Vendome. It was nice, and had an outdoor terrace part and an inside and this part in between two buildings that was decorated to look like you were eating outside in a Parisian street. There was also this fountain with lots of flowers nearby. The titles of the dishes were in French, and they poured water out of wine bottles. I think my sister put it best, it was a restaurant with an intimate setting. I've always thought myself to not be someone who goes for the romantic kind of things, I'm always gagging whenever I see lots of PDA or people making out incessantly in movies and in public, but something about the Parisian restaurant setting made me feel differently. It brought me around to thinking that a little old-fashioned romance might be nice

The Good Person Test

There must be something about me that screams come try and convert me to a Christian, because that's what I've been getting a lot. I've been approached twice by the Annex, a Christian group from Fort Collins, and once by this international survey people, talking about Christianity. I've never really been a religious person either, which makes it all the more odd to me. Maybe I just look easily convincible or something since I always seem so unsure or something, I don't know. I just know I get approached a lot. And now I've got a small bible in my backpack. Just what I always needed, I know.
I had to take this good person test. And I had originally determined that I was a sinner, since I have lied and 'committed adultery in my heart' before, but if I 'confessed my sins and believed in Jesus that I could apparently be saved and go to heaven'. And then apparently in the guy's example I turned my back on God because I said that I would suffer my punishment if I did something bad. Oh well, so I'm a weird person.
But honestly, I thought this good person test was not very accurate. I mean, a good person definition is so arbitrary. And just because someone is a liar doesn't mean they're a bad person, especially since lies can be for good intentions. I wonder if there was a good person test for real, how many people would actually pass. I wonder if I would pass.

Hearing and listening

So I was reading this cheesy book again recently, one of the Meg Cabot teen sappy my-life-sucks-but-then-becomes-really-awesome-because-I-found-romance books. And it had something about the difference between hearing and listening and stuff like that. I was thinking about it, and you know, maybe there's some truth to that. I mean, there's lots of times when I'm listening to my parents and stuff, and it's all in one ear and out the other. How many times does it take for someone to actually really listen to what you say? To not just hear a 'no thanks' but to actually listen to it? Or to actually listen to your problems and not just hear them all and give an occasional head nod and 'uh huh' just to sound like you're paying attention when you're not.

It was also weird to think about, cuz I had to fill out this survey for my sister, about whether or not she listens to people's conversations and stuff like that. And I mean I would think that out of all people, I would know her the best, but that thing was actually surprisingly hard to do. I don't know whether or not she tunes people out and stuff. And it made me realize that I don't know who knows me best, either. I don't know who's been hearing, and who's been listening.

I do know, however, after the Hall of LIfe yesterday, how sounds are processed by the ear, regardless of whether you are listening, or just hearing :) I've decided that the Hall of Life, though probably geared towards younger kids, is just as fun if you haven't been there in ages. Plus, their little height/weight recording thing seems to think that I'm taller than I am. And heavier too :) Who wouldathunk that I'd almost weigh 100lbs. Almost.

What makes a person who they are? I wish I took psychology so then I could psychoanalyze myself. I think it'd be quite interesting. I want to figure out why I am so up and down all the time. Then I could put the brakes on my roller coaster.
I wish it would rain. But not a torrential downpour like it's been lately, just a light sprinkle. To match my mood. I've decided that there's nothing like sitting with a warm drink at night listening to the rain to get the brain thinking. Now that it's officially summer I can't force my brain to think unless I get in the right mood. If I'm not, then I just avoid things and they just build and build again, like they used to.
I miss everyone. I miss everyone and yet I don't think I'd know what to say to everyone once I see them. What a dilemma ;)

Inexplainable Thoughts

I think cold medicine makes me weird, very emotional and hyper. Almost like other like other times this semester.
I'm so relieved that school is over. But I'm even more relieved that although I never found that balance, I was still able to please my parents with decent grades and please myself by having a little more fun. Must work on more of a balance though, but I think that has to come with figuring out myself a little better. But that's for the two weeks I have before work starts: figuring out myself. I still haven't figured out what I want yet, even though I have decided what I want to do for the summer:
scrapbooking
clubbing
Elitch's
sleeping
reading
watching the movies i never got around to watching before
and of course catching up with everyone.
I feel so guilty that I haven't really been keeping in touch with everyone. I'm so bad with that, and then I feel as though I'm not sure what parts of my life to open up and what parts to keep hidden away. And I have a bunch of feelings and thoughts that I don't even think I could possibly put down into words. Do you ever feel like that? Like there are thoughts and emotions that just can't be expressed, only felt. I feel as though the power behind them would be lost by trying to explain them somehow. And the fact that I can't capture them almost scares me because I won't be able to remember it later on. I don't want them to fade away, like how things disappear in my mind right before I go to sleep, or right before I wake up. If I could explain my thoughts then maybe I'd be able to figure out what they all mean.

Random Thoughts

Hmmm, I'm very moody, up and down up and down :) Why is it always so hard to focus when we have beautiful weather outside? I just want to sit outside all day long and play. And therefore I'm already breaking my resolution to stop being stupid and start studying hard.
It's time to follow everyone's advice and start doing the things that are better for me, and let go of the troublemakers.

A Plethora of Stupid Things

Sometimes change isn't always for the better. I think I've changed too much this past semester. I've had a lot more fun than first semester, met some awesome people, and I'm totally loving the college experience.
But I think I swung too much the other way. I lost that 'good girl' image in my head, and I don't know who I am without it. Here I am frowning at people who don't seem to care a lot about their schoolwork and just party instead, and then I kinda go and do the same thing.
I should have studied yesterday, and not hung out. With anybody. Maybe it's time to revert back into my hiding place of last semester, and not do so many stupid things. With a lot of fun comes a lot of awkward moments. I'm not sure I regret all of it, just a little of it. But I think for the last week and a half, I need to change my ways, and change who I've become.

Hyperspeed

Do you ever feel like sometimes the world is moving too fast around you and you can't keep up? I don't know what's happened, like I missed a huge chunk of my life of something. Like I'm glued down to the floor, just cemented there. I'm a spectator and nothing helps. I've determined that tylenol is one of those guesswork objects. When it helps, I can't help but wonder if the tylenol really worked, or if my malady just went away on its own. But I'm a trusting gal, i think. Maybe it really did help my monstrous stomachache tonight. If tylenol could slow everything down, then it'd truly be a wonder pill. But until then, can someone lend my a hammer, or maybe a chisel, so I can hack away at the cement that's glued my feet to the sidewalk?

Growing up

After surviving one semester of college, I realized how it really was a form of survival for me. I wasn't very bright when I picked my courses. It was kinda weird, since the classes that I thought would be easy were hard, and the classes I thought would be hard were easy.
At first thought, college sucked. I think it kinda messed me up in the following ways:
flute playing, which totally went down the drain :(
origami folding
sleeping...i turned into one of those people who'd fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon a lot
my sanity... i starting laughing in the middle of my bio final. at freaking 7:30 in the morning. because i had no clue what i was doing. i dont know what i was thinking. and im surprised i didnt get in trouble.

But, then (actually just now), I realized that college was pretty frickin awesome, too:
a handful of good friends
more independence, which i hear is a good thing later on in life. ive always been really dependent on other people, even just for simple things, like asking for stuff before.
happy random moments...lunch conversations, being late to class, laughing with friends, and those random coincidences that make me wonder if it's fate.

What doesnt kill u makes u stronger right? Well, I'm certainly not dead yet, so I guess I'm stronger after 3 and a half months of survival.

I feel as though ive grown two inches :)

Tomorrow Another Day

havent posted in a while...one more thing ive suppressed. I guess this pent up geyser's finally blown the top off me. Life sucks when you don't deal with it. It's one of those things you put off and put off and don't deal with until everything finally catches up with you. I've held things in too long, havent dealt with things since like march, and everything has just built up and added to the pain. But listening to good music late at nite with a coke and just thinking things through have that nice calming effect. I never realized how important it is to sit and think about everything, and be a little selfish for a bit. I've always tried to think of tomorrow as another day, and I have to admit, the past 45 minutes have felt better, maybe because it's a new day, maybe because thinking, coke and music is a good cure for depression, or maybe because things always get bad first before they get better.

1950s Housewife

After watching Mona Lisa Smile, I've realized I would've never made it in the 1950s. And being the sort of depressed guy-hater that I am, this was probably not the best movie for me to watch. But I can't imagine having to pretend to fake smile while knowing that your guy is a cheating liar. I couldn't put up with it. Plus, I'm not really the best cook around, knowing only how to make pasta, chicken, and quesadillas. I would die as a 1950s housewife.
So all in all, I'm a whole lot more appreciative of being brought up in a new decade, new century, new millenium. Where things aren't just about getting married and...cooking. Not that I want to be a lawyer from Yale, like the movie. Honestly, I'm not even sure that I'd make a good doctor. And considering my lovely fainting spell yesterday, maybe my nerves won't be able to handle it either. Well, nerves, or intense pain in a skinny body. But I do love the choices that we have. Maybe I'll be a pharmacologist instead. Anything but a 1950s housewife.

Eh?

Whenever I head back to Toronto, I always lapse back into my odd words and habits. It's all back to pencil crayons and such. And no matter how much I deny that Canadians do not go around saying Eh? all the time, some do, like my aunt. And thus I go around saying eh? at the end of a sad majority of my sentences whenever I'm there. I'll probably have to consciously remind myself to not tack that on at the end for a week until it's no longer a bad habit, like biting nails or something.
I think one of the nicest things about going to Toronto all the time besides seeing my relatives is that Toronto is so big that I feel like I'm seeing new things all the time. I went back to the Royal Ontario Museum again after like 4 years, and it's quite nice, except for the fact that my favorite exhibit, the awesome dinosaur one, was closed for renovation. Grrr... but it was nice to take the trolley car and subway by myself for the first time. Public transportation is so much better up there. And I learned that lacrosse, not hockey surprisingly, is Canada's national sport. Pretty weird,eh? But it's a tribute to the Native American people. If you ask me, they should add hockey, considering that's what everyone believes in Canada's national sport anyway.
But what's not so fun about traveling is all the fun you miss back home. I cant believe i missed dragonboat racing. :( And I gots to be reading all my college mail, and practice for my dang audition. I was very happy to find that I got a single room with a bath, though. Makes me more excited for the end of August.

It's Like Riding a Bicycle...

...you never forget. And it's true, I guess. After like 7 years I finally got on a bike again. My sister's bike, actually. And it was quite an experience. I couldn't adjust my bike, much to my anger and frustration. I need some sort of hexagonal shaped screwdriver. I tried a bunch of different things. One hexagonal one was too small. The other was too big. A hexagonal screw head didn't fit either. Erg. So I adjusted my sister's bike, but I thought it was still too tall for me. I mean, I can barely put my toes down. And then Ian said it was too low! And I couldn't shift gears with my left hand, making Ian think I was nuts again.
But all in all, it was pretty nice. Well, the middle part anyway, after I finally caught up to Himanshu and Ian, who pretty much left me behind in the dust all the way up until we reached the freaking marina. But we saw 6 deer, some rabbits, a yellow bird, dragonflies, ladybugs, and a whole lot of mosquitos. The deer were the best part, i think. I was having lots of fun, actually, up until I got the freaking flat tire. And then that really sucked, because it totally busted. So Himanshu and I basically walked from the Cherry Creek Reservoir to my house wheeling our bikes. Not so much fun :( That took forever, especially in the heat.

I think the best thing, though, was how kind people are. Some people stopped to see if they could help us as we were walking, offering services and just seeing if we were okay. Just that simple, 'are you guys okay?' really touched my heart. Because it made me realize that there are so many kind and generous, beautiful people in this world. Sometimes, in looking at the world and all the tension, conflict, bombings and wars, it's hard to remember that.

But overall, it was nice to remember that, above all else, it is true that you don't ever forget how to ride a bicycle ;)