A Little Parisian Romance

I went to this little Parisian restaurant for dinner today in Larimer Square, Bistro Vendome. It was nice, and had an outdoor terrace part and an inside and this part in between two buildings that was decorated to look like you were eating outside in a Parisian street. There was also this fountain with lots of flowers nearby. The titles of the dishes were in French, and they poured water out of wine bottles. I think my sister put it best, it was a restaurant with an intimate setting. I've always thought myself to not be someone who goes for the romantic kind of things, I'm always gagging whenever I see lots of PDA or people making out incessantly in movies and in public, but something about the Parisian restaurant setting made me feel differently. It brought me around to thinking that a little old-fashioned romance might be nice

The Good Person Test

There must be something about me that screams come try and convert me to a Christian, because that's what I've been getting a lot. I've been approached twice by the Annex, a Christian group from Fort Collins, and once by this international survey people, talking about Christianity. I've never really been a religious person either, which makes it all the more odd to me. Maybe I just look easily convincible or something since I always seem so unsure or something, I don't know. I just know I get approached a lot. And now I've got a small bible in my backpack. Just what I always needed, I know.
I had to take this good person test. And I had originally determined that I was a sinner, since I have lied and 'committed adultery in my heart' before, but if I 'confessed my sins and believed in Jesus that I could apparently be saved and go to heaven'. And then apparently in the guy's example I turned my back on God because I said that I would suffer my punishment if I did something bad. Oh well, so I'm a weird person.
But honestly, I thought this good person test was not very accurate. I mean, a good person definition is so arbitrary. And just because someone is a liar doesn't mean they're a bad person, especially since lies can be for good intentions. I wonder if there was a good person test for real, how many people would actually pass. I wonder if I would pass.

Hearing and listening

So I was reading this cheesy book again recently, one of the Meg Cabot teen sappy my-life-sucks-but-then-becomes-really-awesome-because-I-found-romance books. And it had something about the difference between hearing and listening and stuff like that. I was thinking about it, and you know, maybe there's some truth to that. I mean, there's lots of times when I'm listening to my parents and stuff, and it's all in one ear and out the other. How many times does it take for someone to actually really listen to what you say? To not just hear a 'no thanks' but to actually listen to it? Or to actually listen to your problems and not just hear them all and give an occasional head nod and 'uh huh' just to sound like you're paying attention when you're not.

It was also weird to think about, cuz I had to fill out this survey for my sister, about whether or not she listens to people's conversations and stuff like that. And I mean I would think that out of all people, I would know her the best, but that thing was actually surprisingly hard to do. I don't know whether or not she tunes people out and stuff. And it made me realize that I don't know who knows me best, either. I don't know who's been hearing, and who's been listening.

I do know, however, after the Hall of LIfe yesterday, how sounds are processed by the ear, regardless of whether you are listening, or just hearing :) I've decided that the Hall of Life, though probably geared towards younger kids, is just as fun if you haven't been there in ages. Plus, their little height/weight recording thing seems to think that I'm taller than I am. And heavier too :) Who wouldathunk that I'd almost weigh 100lbs. Almost.

What makes a person who they are? I wish I took psychology so then I could psychoanalyze myself. I think it'd be quite interesting. I want to figure out why I am so up and down all the time. Then I could put the brakes on my roller coaster.
I wish it would rain. But not a torrential downpour like it's been lately, just a light sprinkle. To match my mood. I've decided that there's nothing like sitting with a warm drink at night listening to the rain to get the brain thinking. Now that it's officially summer I can't force my brain to think unless I get in the right mood. If I'm not, then I just avoid things and they just build and build again, like they used to.
I miss everyone. I miss everyone and yet I don't think I'd know what to say to everyone once I see them. What a dilemma ;)

Inexplainable Thoughts

I think cold medicine makes me weird, very emotional and hyper. Almost like other like other times this semester.
I'm so relieved that school is over. But I'm even more relieved that although I never found that balance, I was still able to please my parents with decent grades and please myself by having a little more fun. Must work on more of a balance though, but I think that has to come with figuring out myself a little better. But that's for the two weeks I have before work starts: figuring out myself. I still haven't figured out what I want yet, even though I have decided what I want to do for the summer:
scrapbooking
clubbing
Elitch's
sleeping
reading
watching the movies i never got around to watching before
and of course catching up with everyone.
I feel so guilty that I haven't really been keeping in touch with everyone. I'm so bad with that, and then I feel as though I'm not sure what parts of my life to open up and what parts to keep hidden away. And I have a bunch of feelings and thoughts that I don't even think I could possibly put down into words. Do you ever feel like that? Like there are thoughts and emotions that just can't be expressed, only felt. I feel as though the power behind them would be lost by trying to explain them somehow. And the fact that I can't capture them almost scares me because I won't be able to remember it later on. I don't want them to fade away, like how things disappear in my mind right before I go to sleep, or right before I wake up. If I could explain my thoughts then maybe I'd be able to figure out what they all mean.

Random Thoughts

Hmmm, I'm very moody, up and down up and down :) Why is it always so hard to focus when we have beautiful weather outside? I just want to sit outside all day long and play. And therefore I'm already breaking my resolution to stop being stupid and start studying hard.
It's time to follow everyone's advice and start doing the things that are better for me, and let go of the troublemakers.

A Plethora of Stupid Things

Sometimes change isn't always for the better. I think I've changed too much this past semester. I've had a lot more fun than first semester, met some awesome people, and I'm totally loving the college experience.
But I think I swung too much the other way. I lost that 'good girl' image in my head, and I don't know who I am without it. Here I am frowning at people who don't seem to care a lot about their schoolwork and just party instead, and then I kinda go and do the same thing.
I should have studied yesterday, and not hung out. With anybody. Maybe it's time to revert back into my hiding place of last semester, and not do so many stupid things. With a lot of fun comes a lot of awkward moments. I'm not sure I regret all of it, just a little of it. But I think for the last week and a half, I need to change my ways, and change who I've become.

Hyperspeed

Do you ever feel like sometimes the world is moving too fast around you and you can't keep up? I don't know what's happened, like I missed a huge chunk of my life of something. Like I'm glued down to the floor, just cemented there. I'm a spectator and nothing helps. I've determined that tylenol is one of those guesswork objects. When it helps, I can't help but wonder if the tylenol really worked, or if my malady just went away on its own. But I'm a trusting gal, i think. Maybe it really did help my monstrous stomachache tonight. If tylenol could slow everything down, then it'd truly be a wonder pill. But until then, can someone lend my a hammer, or maybe a chisel, so I can hack away at the cement that's glued my feet to the sidewalk?

Growing up

After surviving one semester of college, I realized how it really was a form of survival for me. I wasn't very bright when I picked my courses. It was kinda weird, since the classes that I thought would be easy were hard, and the classes I thought would be hard were easy.
At first thought, college sucked. I think it kinda messed me up in the following ways:
flute playing, which totally went down the drain :(
origami folding
sleeping...i turned into one of those people who'd fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon a lot
my sanity... i starting laughing in the middle of my bio final. at freaking 7:30 in the morning. because i had no clue what i was doing. i dont know what i was thinking. and im surprised i didnt get in trouble.

But, then (actually just now), I realized that college was pretty frickin awesome, too:
a handful of good friends
more independence, which i hear is a good thing later on in life. ive always been really dependent on other people, even just for simple things, like asking for stuff before.
happy random moments...lunch conversations, being late to class, laughing with friends, and those random coincidences that make me wonder if it's fate.

What doesnt kill u makes u stronger right? Well, I'm certainly not dead yet, so I guess I'm stronger after 3 and a half months of survival.

I feel as though ive grown two inches :)

Tomorrow Another Day

havent posted in a while...one more thing ive suppressed. I guess this pent up geyser's finally blown the top off me. Life sucks when you don't deal with it. It's one of those things you put off and put off and don't deal with until everything finally catches up with you. I've held things in too long, havent dealt with things since like march, and everything has just built up and added to the pain. But listening to good music late at nite with a coke and just thinking things through have that nice calming effect. I never realized how important it is to sit and think about everything, and be a little selfish for a bit. I've always tried to think of tomorrow as another day, and I have to admit, the past 45 minutes have felt better, maybe because it's a new day, maybe because thinking, coke and music is a good cure for depression, or maybe because things always get bad first before they get better.

1950s Housewife

After watching Mona Lisa Smile, I've realized I would've never made it in the 1950s. And being the sort of depressed guy-hater that I am, this was probably not the best movie for me to watch. But I can't imagine having to pretend to fake smile while knowing that your guy is a cheating liar. I couldn't put up with it. Plus, I'm not really the best cook around, knowing only how to make pasta, chicken, and quesadillas. I would die as a 1950s housewife.
So all in all, I'm a whole lot more appreciative of being brought up in a new decade, new century, new millenium. Where things aren't just about getting married and...cooking. Not that I want to be a lawyer from Yale, like the movie. Honestly, I'm not even sure that I'd make a good doctor. And considering my lovely fainting spell yesterday, maybe my nerves won't be able to handle it either. Well, nerves, or intense pain in a skinny body. But I do love the choices that we have. Maybe I'll be a pharmacologist instead. Anything but a 1950s housewife.

Eh?

Whenever I head back to Toronto, I always lapse back into my odd words and habits. It's all back to pencil crayons and such. And no matter how much I deny that Canadians do not go around saying Eh? all the time, some do, like my aunt. And thus I go around saying eh? at the end of a sad majority of my sentences whenever I'm there. I'll probably have to consciously remind myself to not tack that on at the end for a week until it's no longer a bad habit, like biting nails or something.
I think one of the nicest things about going to Toronto all the time besides seeing my relatives is that Toronto is so big that I feel like I'm seeing new things all the time. I went back to the Royal Ontario Museum again after like 4 years, and it's quite nice, except for the fact that my favorite exhibit, the awesome dinosaur one, was closed for renovation. Grrr... but it was nice to take the trolley car and subway by myself for the first time. Public transportation is so much better up there. And I learned that lacrosse, not hockey surprisingly, is Canada's national sport. Pretty weird,eh? But it's a tribute to the Native American people. If you ask me, they should add hockey, considering that's what everyone believes in Canada's national sport anyway.
But what's not so fun about traveling is all the fun you miss back home. I cant believe i missed dragonboat racing. :( And I gots to be reading all my college mail, and practice for my dang audition. I was very happy to find that I got a single room with a bath, though. Makes me more excited for the end of August.

It's Like Riding a Bicycle...

...you never forget. And it's true, I guess. After like 7 years I finally got on a bike again. My sister's bike, actually. And it was quite an experience. I couldn't adjust my bike, much to my anger and frustration. I need some sort of hexagonal shaped screwdriver. I tried a bunch of different things. One hexagonal one was too small. The other was too big. A hexagonal screw head didn't fit either. Erg. So I adjusted my sister's bike, but I thought it was still too tall for me. I mean, I can barely put my toes down. And then Ian said it was too low! And I couldn't shift gears with my left hand, making Ian think I was nuts again.
But all in all, it was pretty nice. Well, the middle part anyway, after I finally caught up to Himanshu and Ian, who pretty much left me behind in the dust all the way up until we reached the freaking marina. But we saw 6 deer, some rabbits, a yellow bird, dragonflies, ladybugs, and a whole lot of mosquitos. The deer were the best part, i think. I was having lots of fun, actually, up until I got the freaking flat tire. And then that really sucked, because it totally busted. So Himanshu and I basically walked from the Cherry Creek Reservoir to my house wheeling our bikes. Not so much fun :( That took forever, especially in the heat.

I think the best thing, though, was how kind people are. Some people stopped to see if they could help us as we were walking, offering services and just seeing if we were okay. Just that simple, 'are you guys okay?' really touched my heart. Because it made me realize that there are so many kind and generous, beautiful people in this world. Sometimes, in looking at the world and all the tension, conflict, bombings and wars, it's hard to remember that.

But overall, it was nice to remember that, above all else, it is true that you don't ever forget how to ride a bicycle ;)

The World on Shuffle

I love to listen to my ipod on shuffle. It makes me appreciate songs I forgot I had and listen to songs I doubt I've really heard before. And it's made me realize how much freaking linkin park is on it, for some odd reason. And most of all, I love the randomness of it, a love song played after death metal. Death Cab for Cutie and then Converge and Michael Buble. I've always liked my world neat and orderly. Planned and scheduled. I hated when people sprang their plans on me without at least a day or 6 hours in advance. But I thnk random events, little surprises make life interesting, and those spontaneous moments are what I remember most.
Like trips to visit mainstreet Parker, sipping Italian sodas at Borders, or even playing Gauntlet Legends for hours, even though it's quite a weird game.
I think it's made me think about what I want to do in college. And looking back on high school, I tried a lot of different things. But the thing I think i most regret is the fact that I drop some stuff that I really loved. Track and field in middle school, and soccer after freshman year. Sports, in general. I used to be pretty athletic and a serious runner, and I miss that, I really do. So I've decided that I will do some sort of sport at CU. Maybe not a club sport because I'm too stingy and refuse to pay the insane $125 or whatever fee for soccer, but maybe intramural soccer. Intramural coed soccer even. Or maybe try the intramural ice hockey team, if I ever learn how to skate backwards. With a stick in my hand too. I dont want to stay the complete nerd with only a majority of my trophies coming from math and debating. I want some athletic ones too.
I'm sad to realize that I don't have much more of my summer left, especially with my trip to Toronto coming in the middle of it. Erg. But I've decided that I've been far too serious a person for as long as I can remember. So I'm going to put my world on shuffle, and see what randomness comes up next.

Aaarrrgghh!!!

I'm going to miss rowing this year!!! *Tears*

9 Years and Counting...

It's so weird...I have been here for exactly 9 years. I can't believe it's been so long! It feels like only 6 or 7 years, and half my relatives feel like that too. They were so shocked to hear it's been 9 years. Holy smokes.

What's also weird was the dream I had a couple days ago. It was so freaking scary. It was about some sort of Chinese mafia/gang that was after my family. There were assassins dressed up as nuns shooting at us, we were hiding in trees, trying to escape some Chinese city dressed in other people's clothing and using fake passports...not fun. If all dreams are some sort of subconscious message, I wonder what mine would be.

On Toronto...

So 6 days, 2 dim sums in a row at the same restaurant, 2 family reunion-barbecues, one funeral and one broken watch later, I'm finally back home. It's good to be back, although it's back to being lazy, unfortunately. I think I might try finding a nice place to volunteer since summer's like half gone already. Where did June go? I seem to have lost part of it...
Being back in Toronto and only seeing my dad's side of the family was a bit weird, considering that whenever I go I usually see more of my mom's side than my dad's. And, not to sound like a mean jerk or anything, but I sort of prefer it that way, since some of my aunts and uncles on my dad's side ignore and make fun of me and my sister for not speaking cantonese, and some of my cousins aren't all that nice either. But I saw some people that I haven't seen in a long, long time so that was nice. I felt a bit guilty at first because I couldn't recognize one of my cousins because I hadn't seen him in like 6 years and I couldn't remember if his name was Harold or Edmund. But it was alright, because he simply ignored everyone so I never talked to him.

But the weirdest part of the trip was the realization that my uncle can't count. And thus confused everyone when he said that there were 8 grandchildren in the family. First of all, there are like 15, but even if you just do the lame Chinese counting way of only counting the kids with the lst name of Chow, there are only 7. My Uncle Da claims that he was going to stand up and protest that 8 grandchildren was wrong, there are only 7, but considering that he can't really count in Chinese, I think he wouldve just confused everyone. And not only that, but according to the uncle giving the eulogy, my grandmother was 84, but if you do simple subtraction from the birth and death dates he gave, technically she's only 82 or 83. I was so lost until my dad reminded me that Chinese people start counting age at 1, so you have to add an extra year on.

At least when I go back to Toronto next month hopefully I'll be able to enjoy things like I usually do.

Friendship

Is it possible to flip out over a favor for a friend? That I haven't known for very long? Aargh! I don't want to investigate any more colleges, even if it's for a friend :( But o well, anything for a friend, even if he still can't get my name spelled correctly, right? Once I decipher the email anyways.

The Healing Process

It's late, so late that it's now the tomorrow I was thinking about a few hours ago. It's only one, but I haven't been up this late in a while, doing nothing but thinking, but it's doing me some good. At least I'd like to think so. Perhaps i'm finally healing.

Two and a half hours later,I'm finally able to breathe normally. My nose is not so plugged up anymore so that I don't need to breathe through my mouth with loud sighs. I had no idea that I might be allergic to cats. Lesson learned. And maybe one I will actually remember, no less.

I just finished reading The Truth About Forever, just to see what the hype was. I think it's going on my list of healing books. True, it's got that sappy romance bit to it, but it's good in the sense that I can relate to parts of it, and that's what makes any book good. And it's gonna help me sew up parts of myself that have been coming undone. It's given me that feel good feeling, and also that feeling like I need to do something to fix my life so that I don't go through the same motions that I just read about. Like it's time to break down a wall. That, and letting loose to someone on a sidewalk late at night for half an hour have done me loads and loads of good. I was reading my finished journal recently, and i realized just how miserable I was freshman year. How I never let loose to anyone back then. I have no freaking clue how I survived. Not a healthy thing to do anymore. Just talking, venting, sharing stories and guessing at how to help each other has made me realize how lucky I am to have people to let it all out to. Sure, I've got one of those deep panicky feelings growing, looking at what I need to do tomorrow..er, today, but I know eventually it'll all be better. Taking one step backward to take two steps forward. I know I'm probably going to hurt before I feel better again. But I know that this is just one of life's little lessons. Because I didn't learn it the first time. I think this is my reminder to never forget, since it's much harder the second time around. But this time i think i've got it right. Hopefully.

I've been listening to Panic! At the Disco's "I write sins, not tragedies", and I keep thinking about the part that goes something about closing the God damn doorknob, and for some reason it keeps sticking with me. I think this year I've reopened a door that I should've kept closed one too many times, and another time someone else opened it. But I think this time, I've closed it for sure. Cemented it shut, really. I really messed it up before, but I think I've gotten my priorities and my feelings all straightened out. And man, it's a huge load off.

It's kind of weird how fast feelings change, about stuff. Like when you discover that you don't like something you used to love, and you wonder when that happened. Or when you realized that people you were friends with long ago have become simply 'acquaintances' or simply someone u used to know. Even with my clothes. I was at Old Navy today, and I bought a skirt. A mini skirt, too, no less. And tonight, after walking in my door at 10:30, I was wondering why I had bought it. To impress people? To look 'cute'? Why? I mean, i don't think I've ever possessed a jean skirt, or a skirt that goes above my knees. And honestly, I have no idea why I wanted such a radical change from my usual jeans.

I think the big thing, the main thing behind it all, was that this summer didn't start the way i had wanted it to. Kind of like in Truth About Forever, I think I wanted things to start out perfect, even though perfect is unachievable. But spending half the night during the grad party looking at the stars,and reading books and watching good movies and doing nothing but talking, venting, thinking has really opened my eyes. And I'm not going to close them again.

My Transition Chapter

It took some doing, but I finally finished my journal that I kept all throughout high school. I think it was sort of fitting that I ran out of room and ended my last page with graduation, kind of like I closed that chapter of my life. I read part of it last night, and I have to admit, parts of it were so hilarious because I'm glad to think that I've matured greatly since freshman year. Not to say that I'm not an idiot anymore, because sometimes I am. And always will be. Just a lot less so.
I'm thinking of looking at summer as my transition, the bridge chapter of my life. Unfortunately, it hasn't exactly started as well as I had liked, but hey, it's only the beginning, right? I've felt left out of the loop for so long, I want to focus on getting back into it. I can't go off to school by myself with ragged friendship bonds, can I? That would just be so depressing. No, I need to make them all nice and tight again. I think my problem has been that I've become very good at self-denial. I've built this wall up around me and it needs to come down. I think I'm too introverted, and while this isn't all that bad, it can be pretty self-destructing. I know it sounds pretty corny and ridiculous, but I think the problem is that I need to really come to terms with myself these two months. And break down that wall. And come to love myself. I don't think I really have, because my self-confidence has been shot this year with all the highs and lows. So this time, I want to focus on the highs. And build up from there. This summer, I want to be happy, and do lots of things I haven't done before. Like learn how to knit and go to a concert.

On a completely random thought, let me just say that Triveni is very very creepy when playing Mortal Kombat. Triv, you are shockingly vicious. ;) What a hilarious afternoon, from learning new fighting moves to being magical archers and jesters throwing bombs and swords and arrows at weird blue farmer zombies. We should do that again :)