Thursday, June 29, 2006
9 Years and Counting...
It's so weird...I have been here for exactly 9 years. I can't believe it's been so long! It feels like only 6 or 7 years, and half my relatives feel like that too. They were so shocked to hear it's been 9 years. Holy smokes.
What's also weird was the dream I had a couple days ago. It was so freaking scary. It was about some sort of Chinese mafia/gang that was after my family. There were assassins dressed up as nuns shooting at us, we were hiding in trees, trying to escape some Chinese city dressed in other people's clothing and using fake passports...not fun. If all dreams are some sort of subconscious message, I wonder what mine would be.
What's also weird was the dream I had a couple days ago. It was so freaking scary. It was about some sort of Chinese mafia/gang that was after my family. There were assassins dressed up as nuns shooting at us, we were hiding in trees, trying to escape some Chinese city dressed in other people's clothing and using fake passports...not fun. If all dreams are some sort of subconscious message, I wonder what mine would be.
Monday, June 26, 2006
On Toronto...
So 6 days, 2 dim sums in a row at the same restaurant, 2 family reunion-barbecues, one funeral and one broken watch later, I'm finally back home. It's good to be back, although it's back to being lazy, unfortunately. I think I might try finding a nice place to volunteer since summer's like half gone already. Where did June go? I seem to have lost part of it...
Being back in Toronto and only seeing my dad's side of the family was a bit weird, considering that whenever I go I usually see more of my mom's side than my dad's. And, not to sound like a mean jerk or anything, but I sort of prefer it that way, since some of my aunts and uncles on my dad's side ignore and make fun of me and my sister for not speaking cantonese, and some of my cousins aren't all that nice either. But I saw some people that I haven't seen in a long, long time so that was nice. I felt a bit guilty at first because I couldn't recognize one of my cousins because I hadn't seen him in like 6 years and I couldn't remember if his name was Harold or Edmund. But it was alright, because he simply ignored everyone so I never talked to him.
But the weirdest part of the trip was the realization that my uncle can't count. And thus confused everyone when he said that there were 8 grandchildren in the family. First of all, there are like 15, but even if you just do the lame Chinese counting way of only counting the kids with the lst name of Chow, there are only 7. My Uncle Da claims that he was going to stand up and protest that 8 grandchildren was wrong, there are only 7, but considering that he can't really count in Chinese, I think he wouldve just confused everyone. And not only that, but according to the uncle giving the eulogy, my grandmother was 84, but if you do simple subtraction from the birth and death dates he gave, technically she's only 82 or 83. I was so lost until my dad reminded me that Chinese people start counting age at 1, so you have to add an extra year on.
At least when I go back to Toronto next month hopefully I'll be able to enjoy things like I usually do.
Being back in Toronto and only seeing my dad's side of the family was a bit weird, considering that whenever I go I usually see more of my mom's side than my dad's. And, not to sound like a mean jerk or anything, but I sort of prefer it that way, since some of my aunts and uncles on my dad's side ignore and make fun of me and my sister for not speaking cantonese, and some of my cousins aren't all that nice either. But I saw some people that I haven't seen in a long, long time so that was nice. I felt a bit guilty at first because I couldn't recognize one of my cousins because I hadn't seen him in like 6 years and I couldn't remember if his name was Harold or Edmund. But it was alright, because he simply ignored everyone so I never talked to him.
But the weirdest part of the trip was the realization that my uncle can't count. And thus confused everyone when he said that there were 8 grandchildren in the family. First of all, there are like 15, but even if you just do the lame Chinese counting way of only counting the kids with the lst name of Chow, there are only 7. My Uncle Da claims that he was going to stand up and protest that 8 grandchildren was wrong, there are only 7, but considering that he can't really count in Chinese, I think he wouldve just confused everyone. And not only that, but according to the uncle giving the eulogy, my grandmother was 84, but if you do simple subtraction from the birth and death dates he gave, technically she's only 82 or 83. I was so lost until my dad reminded me that Chinese people start counting age at 1, so you have to add an extra year on.
At least when I go back to Toronto next month hopefully I'll be able to enjoy things like I usually do.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Friendship
Is it possible to flip out over a favor for a friend? That I haven't known for very long? Aargh! I don't want to investigate any more colleges, even if it's for a friend :( But o well, anything for a friend, even if he still can't get my name spelled correctly, right? Once I decipher the email anyways.
The Healing Process
It's late, so late that it's now the tomorrow I was thinking about a few hours ago. It's only one, but I haven't been up this late in a while, doing nothing but thinking, but it's doing me some good. At least I'd like to think so. Perhaps i'm finally healing.
Two and a half hours later,I'm finally able to breathe normally. My nose is not so plugged up anymore so that I don't need to breathe through my mouth with loud sighs. I had no idea that I might be allergic to cats. Lesson learned. And maybe one I will actually remember, no less.
I just finished reading The Truth About Forever, just to see what the hype was. I think it's going on my list of healing books. True, it's got that sappy romance bit to it, but it's good in the sense that I can relate to parts of it, and that's what makes any book good. And it's gonna help me sew up parts of myself that have been coming undone. It's given me that feel good feeling, and also that feeling like I need to do something to fix my life so that I don't go through the same motions that I just read about. Like it's time to break down a wall. That, and letting loose to someone on a sidewalk late at night for half an hour have done me loads and loads of good. I was reading my finished journal recently, and i realized just how miserable I was freshman year. How I never let loose to anyone back then. I have no freaking clue how I survived. Not a healthy thing to do anymore. Just talking, venting, sharing stories and guessing at how to help each other has made me realize how lucky I am to have people to let it all out to. Sure, I've got one of those deep panicky feelings growing, looking at what I need to do tomorrow..er, today, but I know eventually it'll all be better. Taking one step backward to take two steps forward. I know I'm probably going to hurt before I feel better again. But I know that this is just one of life's little lessons. Because I didn't learn it the first time. I think this is my reminder to never forget, since it's much harder the second time around. But this time i think i've got it right. Hopefully.
I've been listening to Panic! At the Disco's "I write sins, not tragedies", and I keep thinking about the part that goes something about closing the God damn doorknob, and for some reason it keeps sticking with me. I think this year I've reopened a door that I should've kept closed one too many times, and another time someone else opened it. But I think this time, I've closed it for sure. Cemented it shut, really. I really messed it up before, but I think I've gotten my priorities and my feelings all straightened out. And man, it's a huge load off.
It's kind of weird how fast feelings change, about stuff. Like when you discover that you don't like something you used to love, and you wonder when that happened. Or when you realized that people you were friends with long ago have become simply 'acquaintances' or simply someone u used to know. Even with my clothes. I was at Old Navy today, and I bought a skirt. A mini skirt, too, no less. And tonight, after walking in my door at 10:30, I was wondering why I had bought it. To impress people? To look 'cute'? Why? I mean, i don't think I've ever possessed a jean skirt, or a skirt that goes above my knees. And honestly, I have no idea why I wanted such a radical change from my usual jeans.
I think the big thing, the main thing behind it all, was that this summer didn't start the way i had wanted it to. Kind of like in Truth About Forever, I think I wanted things to start out perfect, even though perfect is unachievable. But spending half the night during the grad party looking at the stars,and reading books and watching good movies and doing nothing but talking, venting, thinking has really opened my eyes. And I'm not going to close them again.
Two and a half hours later,I'm finally able to breathe normally. My nose is not so plugged up anymore so that I don't need to breathe through my mouth with loud sighs. I had no idea that I might be allergic to cats. Lesson learned. And maybe one I will actually remember, no less.
I just finished reading The Truth About Forever, just to see what the hype was. I think it's going on my list of healing books. True, it's got that sappy romance bit to it, but it's good in the sense that I can relate to parts of it, and that's what makes any book good. And it's gonna help me sew up parts of myself that have been coming undone. It's given me that feel good feeling, and also that feeling like I need to do something to fix my life so that I don't go through the same motions that I just read about. Like it's time to break down a wall. That, and letting loose to someone on a sidewalk late at night for half an hour have done me loads and loads of good. I was reading my finished journal recently, and i realized just how miserable I was freshman year. How I never let loose to anyone back then. I have no freaking clue how I survived. Not a healthy thing to do anymore. Just talking, venting, sharing stories and guessing at how to help each other has made me realize how lucky I am to have people to let it all out to. Sure, I've got one of those deep panicky feelings growing, looking at what I need to do tomorrow..er, today, but I know eventually it'll all be better. Taking one step backward to take two steps forward. I know I'm probably going to hurt before I feel better again. But I know that this is just one of life's little lessons. Because I didn't learn it the first time. I think this is my reminder to never forget, since it's much harder the second time around. But this time i think i've got it right. Hopefully.
I've been listening to Panic! At the Disco's "I write sins, not tragedies", and I keep thinking about the part that goes something about closing the God damn doorknob, and for some reason it keeps sticking with me. I think this year I've reopened a door that I should've kept closed one too many times, and another time someone else opened it. But I think this time, I've closed it for sure. Cemented it shut, really. I really messed it up before, but I think I've gotten my priorities and my feelings all straightened out. And man, it's a huge load off.
It's kind of weird how fast feelings change, about stuff. Like when you discover that you don't like something you used to love, and you wonder when that happened. Or when you realized that people you were friends with long ago have become simply 'acquaintances' or simply someone u used to know. Even with my clothes. I was at Old Navy today, and I bought a skirt. A mini skirt, too, no less. And tonight, after walking in my door at 10:30, I was wondering why I had bought it. To impress people? To look 'cute'? Why? I mean, i don't think I've ever possessed a jean skirt, or a skirt that goes above my knees. And honestly, I have no idea why I wanted such a radical change from my usual jeans.
I think the big thing, the main thing behind it all, was that this summer didn't start the way i had wanted it to. Kind of like in Truth About Forever, I think I wanted things to start out perfect, even though perfect is unachievable. But spending half the night during the grad party looking at the stars,and reading books and watching good movies and doing nothing but talking, venting, thinking has really opened my eyes. And I'm not going to close them again.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
My Transition Chapter
It took some doing, but I finally finished my journal that I kept all throughout high school. I think it was sort of fitting that I ran out of room and ended my last page with graduation, kind of like I closed that chapter of my life. I read part of it last night, and I have to admit, parts of it were so hilarious because I'm glad to think that I've matured greatly since freshman year. Not to say that I'm not an idiot anymore, because sometimes I am. And always will be. Just a lot less so.
I'm thinking of looking at summer as my transition, the bridge chapter of my life. Unfortunately, it hasn't exactly started as well as I had liked, but hey, it's only the beginning, right? I've felt left out of the loop for so long, I want to focus on getting back into it. I can't go off to school by myself with ragged friendship bonds, can I? That would just be so depressing. No, I need to make them all nice and tight again. I think my problem has been that I've become very good at self-denial. I've built this wall up around me and it needs to come down. I think I'm too introverted, and while this isn't all that bad, it can be pretty self-destructing. I know it sounds pretty corny and ridiculous, but I think the problem is that I need to really come to terms with myself these two months. And break down that wall. And come to love myself. I don't think I really have, because my self-confidence has been shot this year with all the highs and lows. So this time, I want to focus on the highs. And build up from there. This summer, I want to be happy, and do lots of things I haven't done before. Like learn how to knit and go to a concert.
On a completely random thought, let me just say that Triveni is very very creepy when playing Mortal Kombat. Triv, you are shockingly vicious. ;) What a hilarious afternoon, from learning new fighting moves to being magical archers and jesters throwing bombs and swords and arrows at weird blue farmer zombies. We should do that again :)
I'm thinking of looking at summer as my transition, the bridge chapter of my life. Unfortunately, it hasn't exactly started as well as I had liked, but hey, it's only the beginning, right? I've felt left out of the loop for so long, I want to focus on getting back into it. I can't go off to school by myself with ragged friendship bonds, can I? That would just be so depressing. No, I need to make them all nice and tight again. I think my problem has been that I've become very good at self-denial. I've built this wall up around me and it needs to come down. I think I'm too introverted, and while this isn't all that bad, it can be pretty self-destructing. I know it sounds pretty corny and ridiculous, but I think the problem is that I need to really come to terms with myself these two months. And break down that wall. And come to love myself. I don't think I really have, because my self-confidence has been shot this year with all the highs and lows. So this time, I want to focus on the highs. And build up from there. This summer, I want to be happy, and do lots of things I haven't done before. Like learn how to knit and go to a concert.
On a completely random thought, let me just say that Triveni is very very creepy when playing Mortal Kombat. Triv, you are shockingly vicious. ;) What a hilarious afternoon, from learning new fighting moves to being magical archers and jesters throwing bombs and swords and arrows at weird blue farmer zombies. We should do that again :)
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
One of those days
Today is just one of those days, those unproductive days where I feel like a bum, angry and frustrated. At what, I do not know. I tried to watch one of the movies on my summer list, but I couldn't get through it. Honestly, I don't really know why I borrowed it exactly, seeing as how it's a romance movie. And the book was long, and at times, sort of boring. I think I've got to be in the right sort of mood to watch it. My I'm-so-happy-with-life mood, which, needless to say, I definitely am not in right now. I think I've shifted into a what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-me sort of mood. But I can't put my feelings into words. I have no idea where my frustration is coming from, but I definitely felt really really irked this morning. Maybe because I felt left out as usual, I don't know. But I wish I did. I think I've lost my ability to sort things out. Or maybe, I think I've just put up a wall around myself and I'm in self-denial about things. Because honestly, half the things I think about I really have no idea if they're true or not. And everytime someone asks me a question that should be yes or no, I constantly find myself shifting towards the grey area in a matter that should be black or white.
I have come to the conclusion that this week, though fun and exciting and half over, is going to be sort of nervewracking. Eek! I can't believe we're graduating in TWO days. Holy smokes, guys.
I have come to the conclusion that this week, though fun and exciting and half over, is going to be sort of nervewracking. Eek! I can't believe we're graduating in TWO days. Holy smokes, guys.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Random Thoughts
All this graduation business got me thinking. Thinking about where I would be if I hadn't made the choices I did, and if, given the chance, I would still make the same choices. It's weird to realize the impact of decision, one action. Last week I was looking up how to find my IB score online and came across the official IBO site, and it listed all the IB schools. And the school I would have gone to, Sir Winston Churchill, was up there too. Given the chance, I'm not sure I would do IB again, but had I stayed up in Calgary, I'm sure I would have done IB. And it was disturbing in a weird sort of way to realize that on the same days and the same time, I would have been taking the exact same tests, but a country away. Well, minus French as my language B, 'cause I doubt that'd be allowed. But you can test in Chinese. It saddens me to realize that I could've come that much closer to my roots. I always wanted to learn Cantonese, and I'm not saying that I won't, but it would've been much easier had I stayed up there. But I'm up to that challenge. Anyways, thinking about that high school up in Calgary made me remember when I was a little kid. It made me start thinking about my friends again. And lo and behold, I found one. My best friend, Paul, who is about to graduate too, from Sir Winston Churchill. But none of my other friends are there. It makes me sad that I don't know where any of them are anymore, that I didn't keep in touch. And it made me wonder what would've happen if I stayed. Would I have the same best friend? Would I have still been the popular (so weird, I know) kid in our grade? One of the smartest people? I don't know. It's interesting but pointless to think about. But it makes me wonder if I should try to get back into touch, even though I'm hopeless at penpals. Though most of these failures aren't really my fault, since I keep writing but no one answers.
Anyways, it's also so weird to realize how old we are. Most, but not all, of us are already adults. My sister is 20. It sounds like such an old, mature, age, and I suppose it does make since, but I really can't see her as that old already. I can't imagine any of us as 17, 18 year olds. Where did all the years go? I honestly can't believe we're graduating in like 5 days. I also can't believe that most of us also do not get to walk in with the rest of our class. It hasn't hit me yet that after this week, we will rarely, if ever, walk into SHHS again. Never do WAC again. I might never play the flute again. It's just weird, the things you miss. I can't believe that I'm missing band...the class everyone's constantly heard me complain about it. But I do. And I miss Mr. K's random comments about life. Because sometimes, especially once, they've come in handy. It sounds stupid, but some have them have kept me alive.
But I think I've gotten enough from Smoky Hill in four year, and I'm ready to move on and move out. Starting college is like having a clean slate, but not quite. It's like starting over, but with more knowledge to keep the good things and erase the bad. It's like a perfect slate with all your good qualities but none of your bad yet. And though it won't stay that way forever, it's nice to know that at least you're starting out that way. I like that. Maybe this time around it won't take me four years to discover myself. Maybe this time I can start out that way and be able to start from where I left off. I know it's completely cliche, but people aren't kidding when they say high school is where you find yourself. But for me, it was so true. I just wish it didn't take me so long to realize my potential. But on the positive, I'm sure glad I did.
Anyways, it's also so weird to realize how old we are. Most, but not all, of us are already adults. My sister is 20. It sounds like such an old, mature, age, and I suppose it does make since, but I really can't see her as that old already. I can't imagine any of us as 17, 18 year olds. Where did all the years go? I honestly can't believe we're graduating in like 5 days. I also can't believe that most of us also do not get to walk in with the rest of our class. It hasn't hit me yet that after this week, we will rarely, if ever, walk into SHHS again. Never do WAC again. I might never play the flute again. It's just weird, the things you miss. I can't believe that I'm missing band...the class everyone's constantly heard me complain about it. But I do. And I miss Mr. K's random comments about life. Because sometimes, especially once, they've come in handy. It sounds stupid, but some have them have kept me alive.
But I think I've gotten enough from Smoky Hill in four year, and I'm ready to move on and move out. Starting college is like having a clean slate, but not quite. It's like starting over, but with more knowledge to keep the good things and erase the bad. It's like a perfect slate with all your good qualities but none of your bad yet. And though it won't stay that way forever, it's nice to know that at least you're starting out that way. I like that. Maybe this time around it won't take me four years to discover myself. Maybe this time I can start out that way and be able to start from where I left off. I know it's completely cliche, but people aren't kidding when they say high school is where you find yourself. But for me, it was so true. I just wish it didn't take me so long to realize my potential. But on the positive, I'm sure glad I did.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Breaking through the layers
I think all my energy's dried up. I don't know what's happened to me. I'm too lazy to even write in my journal. I haven't written in it since like December. Not good.
I'm so thankful for my sister. Since she came home yesterday I've been blessfully reminded of why it's so nice to have a sibling, especially an older one. And not just because she can take the load off me washing dishes and washing the rice and petty stuff like that. No, she's always there to talk to, which is good especially now that I've become too lazy to write in my journal. Because I know more than anyone know how dangerous it can be to hold things in. Yesterday we were watching Numbers together and instead of paying attention we just sat there talking and stuff. About everything. Everything and anything. It was such a nice feeling, to crack through a layer of myself and feel fresh again. I miss that, having a sister to talk to whenever. It made me realize that no matter how close you are to home, it's still different. I've realized that staying here for college is still a new experience, cause we're gonna be a whole lot more independent. I'm excited for that, but a bit worried, too. I don't know how to handle that extra responsibility though. But I do think it'll be nice to break out of another layer of my shell. I don't think I do that often enough, and maybe one day I'll hatch out completely as one awesome person. We'll have to see.
I'm so thankful for my sister. Since she came home yesterday I've been blessfully reminded of why it's so nice to have a sibling, especially an older one. And not just because she can take the load off me washing dishes and washing the rice and petty stuff like that. No, she's always there to talk to, which is good especially now that I've become too lazy to write in my journal. Because I know more than anyone know how dangerous it can be to hold things in. Yesterday we were watching Numbers together and instead of paying attention we just sat there talking and stuff. About everything. Everything and anything. It was such a nice feeling, to crack through a layer of myself and feel fresh again. I miss that, having a sister to talk to whenever. It made me realize that no matter how close you are to home, it's still different. I've realized that staying here for college is still a new experience, cause we're gonna be a whole lot more independent. I'm excited for that, but a bit worried, too. I don't know how to handle that extra responsibility though. But I do think it'll be nice to break out of another layer of my shell. I don't think I do that often enough, and maybe one day I'll hatch out completely as one awesome person. We'll have to see.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Counting the Days
I was listening to one of my favorite songs, Counting the Days, and I realized that I've been counting the days too, but until graduation. Until we're done. 10 school days til we get out of school. 3 weeks til graduation. And that's it. And to be honest, that makes me so excited, but it also scares the heck out of me. Because when I go to college, I'm not going to see my friends, the best friends that saw me through middle and high school. Who were always there for me. I'm scared we're going to drift apart. I'm scared that we've already begun to drift apart, and I don't want that to happen. We always pictured years ago that we'd be friends forever, even to adulthood. But I feel as though I've slowly floated away from our group, and I want to find a way back in. I don't think I've had one of those long chats about what's going on in our lives that used to be so frequent with some people in probably years. I don't want to be out of the loop anymore, and with each day, I feel as though I'm getting more and more disconnected. I don't want to count the days anymore until I find my connection again.
Friday, May 05, 2006
The Smart Choices
Last weekend I stayed up till midnite watching some stupid, predictable romance movie, Celeste in the City. Who has a name like Celeste nowadays anyways? Unless ur in France, of course. But while I was sitting there laughing at how it was just like the typical geek-gets-makeover-and-finds-true-love movie, I realized that there was something to learn there. Well, mainly the typical don't go for the first guy who pays attention to u because he may be a jerk. Which I sorta knew-ish. It was so laughable in such a movie, because it had to be the most obvious thing, and she missed it. But after what was most definitely the most stressful week of my entire life, I've decided that I better start making smarter choices.
Such as being nicer to people and not being a hypocrite. Such as stop hurting my friends by trying to hang on to people I know I shouldnt. Which I should probably do right now.Such as stop STRESSING and acting like an idiot all the time. Which will probably never be possible, but I think any sort of reduction in my pessimistic stressing would be a plus. Sometimes I wonder if I was not myself if I would be friends with me. If I was judging by this week, I would say 'not really.' So let's hope I can turn it around with one relaxing weekend. So to all my friends: so so soooo sorry for being a brat and an awful friend this week.
Such as being nicer to people and not being a hypocrite. Such as stop hurting my friends by trying to hang on to people I know I shouldnt. Which I should probably do right now.Such as stop STRESSING and acting like an idiot all the time. Which will probably never be possible, but I think any sort of reduction in my pessimistic stressing would be a plus. Sometimes I wonder if I was not myself if I would be friends with me. If I was judging by this week, I would say 'not really.' So let's hope I can turn it around with one relaxing weekend. So to all my friends: so so soooo sorry for being a brat and an awful friend this week.
Friday, April 14, 2006
It's All About What's Meant to Be
It kind of sucks how things don't turn out the way you want them to. It was so depressing to come back from what was probably the best week of my life in Russia to come back to all the disappointment from colleges. I was/am so happy for everyone who got into where they wanted, for everyone who had lots of good choices and options, but I guess I couldn't help being jealous. Jealous of everyone who got into where I really wanted to go. And depressed to be left here. Depressed about how that stupid witch told me I was throwing my life away by staying here to go to CU. Depressed that my Russian buddy has not written me back even though I wrote like 2 weeks ago almost, and depressed how I can't seem to get back to that level of happiness I had there. But this week I stayed much more positive and optimistic, and not only am I so much happier now, but I realized that maybe it's just what's meant to be and that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I'm meant to not have a prom date. Maybe I'm meant to learn something from all this. Maybe staying here is what I need for myself, and looking over the mountains I've seen my whole life will somehow hem up my raw edges. I think I believe in fate, and maybe my fate's here if I just make the best of it. :)
Saturday, April 01, 2006
St Petersburg
Holy smokes was Russia so much fun! In a weird way I sort of miss it there, though it is nice to be back home too. But in Russia I didn't feel all stressed out, and I could just let the happiness wash over me. It was really depressing to come back here and find out about all the disappointing colleges. St Petersburg was so pretty that I could forget about how much quicker I'm going to die from all the smoke inhalation and the cold and almost getting run over by cars. St Petersburg was all about the enthusiastic crowds, the museums, the architecture, the cool Russian accent that our guides and the Russian guys we met had, and the palaces. I must've taken a good 250 pictures. But most of them are of the architecture and palaces. Just to walk where the czars have been was so amazing. And to play in the same concert hall where Rachmaninov (sp?) and other famous composers have played was so musically gratifying, especially getting an encore and a standing o. The best two concerts I've played in my life. Not my personal playing best, as usual, but the audiences were so enthusiastic. Much better than playing in a high school auditorium for parents that are only going to see their children.
You guys would be so proud of me. I'm becoming much more self-confident, and at our party on Wednesday with the Russian band we played with, it didn't take the entire night for me to finally talk to someone for once. I mingled quite well, if I do say so myself. And I got to know more people in our band, too. So I'm not as big an outsider in the band now, which is a bit late now, but still better late than never. And I'm going to try the long distance correspondance thing with a few of the people I met and see how that works out.
I think the most disappointing thing though is how we have to go through daylight savings time AGAIN (it's a week earlier in Russia, so we already had one). And the fact that as much as I disliked my band teacher, I dislike him even more now. But oh well. I wish I could've just stayed in Russia and dealt with the gross bathrooms and smoke just so I wouldn't have to come home to all the work, but I think I would've just missed you guys too much ;)
You guys would be so proud of me. I'm becoming much more self-confident, and at our party on Wednesday with the Russian band we played with, it didn't take the entire night for me to finally talk to someone for once. I mingled quite well, if I do say so myself. And I got to know more people in our band, too. So I'm not as big an outsider in the band now, which is a bit late now, but still better late than never. And I'm going to try the long distance correspondance thing with a few of the people I met and see how that works out.
I think the most disappointing thing though is how we have to go through daylight savings time AGAIN (it's a week earlier in Russia, so we already had one). And the fact that as much as I disliked my band teacher, I dislike him even more now. But oh well. I wish I could've just stayed in Russia and dealt with the gross bathrooms and smoke just so I wouldn't have to come home to all the work, but I think I would've just missed you guys too much ;)
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Too loaded
Why is it that everytime we get one large thing off our plates, another new thing gets loaded back on it? Now, even breaks are stressful because there's still so much to do. I find it quite depressing. I am happy that IAs are done. But now there's case writing for state, case writing for nat quals, all that cas report junk, and last minute things for Russia. And after spring break, I don't think there are any more holidays. It sort of makes me wish I wasn't going anywhere spring break. Then I'd be able to enjoy the quiet nothingness of it. But then again, I won't be lacking in fun in Russia. Or at least I hope I won't. At least until all that jet lag sets in.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Waves
Is it possible to run out of tears? To dry yourself out for a time? I think I did last night while watching the Sisterhood. That movie hits me every time with this huge emotional wave. There are some things that come too close to my life than I'd like. Bad Day by Daniel Powter has become my new favourite song. Not because I constantly have bad days, though they could be better, but because it's just so inspirational and relaxing, and whenever I hear it, it helps me pick myself up.
I think it is so sad that sometimes, tragedy doesn't bring a disfunctional family together but just rips them further apart. It's like just when you think things relationships can't get much worse, they do. I can't believe how everything can happen all at once. There's just no break to try and prepare for the next wave. Too bad I wasn't a girl scout. I'm never prepared for anything.
I think it is so sad that sometimes, tragedy doesn't bring a disfunctional family together but just rips them further apart. It's like just when you think things relationships can't get much worse, they do. I can't believe how everything can happen all at once. There's just no break to try and prepare for the next wave. Too bad I wasn't a girl scout. I'm never prepared for anything.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Like Lena
This past month's been like a blur, like I'd rather forget about it all. If I were on a roller coaster, it's like I've been brought to a screaming halt on my way back up to the top. I can't believe how I almost lost it a couple weeks ago. I can't believe how stupid I was for trying to go out on a limb for an idiot. But at least I see that now. I just reread the Sisterhood books. I feel like Lena, minus being an artist. And the whole ravishing beauty part. But in the sense of being the quiet one, the one who never expresses her feelings. I wish I could find the same courage she did to go out and finally be able to say something to set everything straight. I know that Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind," but I feel as though if I actually say what I feel I am going to hurt people, and be left with maybe half the friends I started with.
It's not just that I'm left behind in the shuffle, I guess I'm just confused within myself, too. I feel as though I'm just forgotten, because anything I'm good at, someone's better. And I know that's just the way it's always going to be. But anything I achieve, it's a bigger thing for someone else. I guess I'm feeling jealous. Jealous at everyone for knowing who they are already while I don't, and jealous for everyone who knows how to get their own spotlight. I don't think I've figured that out yet. Maybe that should be my goal for the rest of the year.
It's not just that I'm left behind in the shuffle, I guess I'm just confused within myself, too. I feel as though I'm just forgotten, because anything I'm good at, someone's better. And I know that's just the way it's always going to be. But anything I achieve, it's a bigger thing for someone else. I guess I'm feeling jealous. Jealous at everyone for knowing who they are already while I don't, and jealous for everyone who knows how to get their own spotlight. I don't think I've figured that out yet. Maybe that should be my goal for the rest of the year.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Blargh
So...the Snowflake Shake. I honestly wonder whether my somewhat pessimistic energy came back to haunt me the other day, because I really wasn't looking forward to it. And things that I was hoping wouldn't happen, of course, did happen. Naturally. I think it was worse than homecoming. I knew my moodiness was a bad thing! All day Friday I was in one of those moody I-don't want-to-do-anything sort of moods, and I ended up watching tv the entire day pretty much, even though there was nothing on. Seriously, I ended up watching some stupid disney channel musical thing on. The disney channel. Ick.
But anyways, the moments leading up to the dance were awesome. Casablanca was the neatest experience I've had in a while. Except I'm not sure about the girls being butterflies thing. And the fact that it was a bit expensive. But it was pretty worth it in the end.
But besides getting to the dance an hour before it ended, in the first two minutes upon arriving, I saw BOTH people I really would have preferred avoiding. Just my luck, of course.
And again, the songs? Not so great. So I think I've got to agree with Rabs... prom? My only reason for going would be for that awesome double decker bus. Because prom's too much of a date thing. Blargh.
But anyways, the moments leading up to the dance were awesome. Casablanca was the neatest experience I've had in a while. Except I'm not sure about the girls being butterflies thing. And the fact that it was a bit expensive. But it was pretty worth it in the end.
But besides getting to the dance an hour before it ended, in the first two minutes upon arriving, I saw BOTH people I really would have preferred avoiding. Just my luck, of course.
And again, the songs? Not so great. So I think I've got to agree with Rabs... prom? My only reason for going would be for that awesome double decker bus. Because prom's too much of a date thing. Blargh.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Out With the Old
As 2005 comes to a close, as well as our winter break :(, I was thinking. 2006 is the year we finally graduate, and I never thought that year would come. I remember in fifth grade, my GT teacher was writing me a note saying how she would see me graduate in 2006, and I couldn't believe how long away that was. Everything seems so long ago and yet most of it happened so quickly it's now a blur. Odd, isn't it? Even this year has seemed long, but short at the same time.
I look back at 2005, and I don't know, lots of new things happened, lots of drama and stuff, but I still feel like the same old person. I don't think I've changed much, really. I mean, I still lack common sense, I'm still feeling continually stressed out, I'm still single, and I'm still hanging out with the same people. I think year 16 was sort of boring for me. It was still lots of fun and all, but it didn't really seem all that special to me. I mean, after prom was a sort of fiasco at the beginning, and summer was a bit tense. Homecoming I had a date, but it wasn't all that spectacular, and now the year's ending! And this break I didn't get a chance to do half the stuff I wanted to. College apps ruined the entire freaking break. That and Age of Innocence. O, and the lack of snow. It's sorta hard to build a snowman without the snow.
Maybe 2006 will bring me some better luck.
I look back at 2005, and I don't know, lots of new things happened, lots of drama and stuff, but I still feel like the same old person. I don't think I've changed much, really. I mean, I still lack common sense, I'm still feeling continually stressed out, I'm still single, and I'm still hanging out with the same people. I think year 16 was sort of boring for me. It was still lots of fun and all, but it didn't really seem all that special to me. I mean, after prom was a sort of fiasco at the beginning, and summer was a bit tense. Homecoming I had a date, but it wasn't all that spectacular, and now the year's ending! And this break I didn't get a chance to do half the stuff I wanted to. College apps ruined the entire freaking break. That and Age of Innocence. O, and the lack of snow. It's sorta hard to build a snowman without the snow.
Maybe 2006 will bring me some better luck.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Home Sweet Home
Now that I've been back for a few days, I have to say that I appreciate Colorado and all it's beauty a whole lot more. Raleigh was nice, but by the end of the 4 days I was kinda sick of all the dead trees. I'm sure they're nice in the spring when they're all blooming and all, but right now they're sorta depressing. And at night it gets a bit creepy. And Raleigh is a bit dead. I mean, there's no rush hour traffic. No hectic bumper to bumper frustration trying to get home, like there was today after I was gift shopping for my mom. And I guess North Carolina must be pretty religious, because Sunday morning everything was dead. Completely shut down.
So all in all, I know that Denver's not the most exciting city to live in, but it sure is more exciting than Raleigh. And I have realized that between lots of trees and lots of mountains, I sure as heck prefer the mountains. :) Maybe Denver's not so bad after all...
So all in all, I know that Denver's not the most exciting city to live in, but it sure is more exciting than Raleigh. And I have realized that between lots of trees and lots of mountains, I sure as heck prefer the mountains. :) Maybe Denver's not so bad after all...
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