It's All About What's Meant to Be

It kind of sucks how things don't turn out the way you want them to. It was so depressing to come back from what was probably the best week of my life in Russia to come back to all the disappointment from colleges. I was/am so happy for everyone who got into where they wanted, for everyone who had lots of good choices and options, but I guess I couldn't help being jealous. Jealous of everyone who got into where I really wanted to go. And depressed to be left here. Depressed about how that stupid witch told me I was throwing my life away by staying here to go to CU. Depressed that my Russian buddy has not written me back even though I wrote like 2 weeks ago almost, and depressed how I can't seem to get back to that level of happiness I had there. But this week I stayed much more positive and optimistic, and not only am I so much happier now, but I realized that maybe it's just what's meant to be and that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I'm meant to not have a prom date. Maybe I'm meant to learn something from all this. Maybe staying here is what I need for myself, and looking over the mountains I've seen my whole life will somehow hem up my raw edges. I think I believe in fate, and maybe my fate's here if I just make the best of it. :)

St Petersburg

Holy smokes was Russia so much fun! In a weird way I sort of miss it there, though it is nice to be back home too. But in Russia I didn't feel all stressed out, and I could just let the happiness wash over me. It was really depressing to come back here and find out about all the disappointing colleges. St Petersburg was so pretty that I could forget about how much quicker I'm going to die from all the smoke inhalation and the cold and almost getting run over by cars. St Petersburg was all about the enthusiastic crowds, the museums, the architecture, the cool Russian accent that our guides and the Russian guys we met had, and the palaces. I must've taken a good 250 pictures. But most of them are of the architecture and palaces. Just to walk where the czars have been was so amazing. And to play in the same concert hall where Rachmaninov (sp?) and other famous composers have played was so musically gratifying, especially getting an encore and a standing o. The best two concerts I've played in my life. Not my personal playing best, as usual, but the audiences were so enthusiastic. Much better than playing in a high school auditorium for parents that are only going to see their children.
You guys would be so proud of me. I'm becoming much more self-confident, and at our party on Wednesday with the Russian band we played with, it didn't take the entire night for me to finally talk to someone for once. I mingled quite well, if I do say so myself. And I got to know more people in our band, too. So I'm not as big an outsider in the band now, which is a bit late now, but still better late than never. And I'm going to try the long distance correspondance thing with a few of the people I met and see how that works out.
I think the most disappointing thing though is how we have to go through daylight savings time AGAIN (it's a week earlier in Russia, so we already had one). And the fact that as much as I disliked my band teacher, I dislike him even more now. But oh well. I wish I could've just stayed in Russia and dealt with the gross bathrooms and smoke just so I wouldn't have to come home to all the work, but I think I would've just missed you guys too much ;)

Too loaded

Why is it that everytime we get one large thing off our plates, another new thing gets loaded back on it? Now, even breaks are stressful because there's still so much to do. I find it quite depressing. I am happy that IAs are done. But now there's case writing for state, case writing for nat quals, all that cas report junk, and last minute things for Russia. And after spring break, I don't think there are any more holidays. It sort of makes me wish I wasn't going anywhere spring break. Then I'd be able to enjoy the quiet nothingness of it. But then again, I won't be lacking in fun in Russia. Or at least I hope I won't. At least until all that jet lag sets in.

Waves

Is it possible to run out of tears? To dry yourself out for a time? I think I did last night while watching the Sisterhood. That movie hits me every time with this huge emotional wave. There are some things that come too close to my life than I'd like. Bad Day by Daniel Powter has become my new favourite song. Not because I constantly have bad days, though they could be better, but because it's just so inspirational and relaxing, and whenever I hear it, it helps me pick myself up.
I think it is so sad that sometimes, tragedy doesn't bring a disfunctional family together but just rips them further apart. It's like just when you think things relationships can't get much worse, they do. I can't believe how everything can happen all at once. There's just no break to try and prepare for the next wave. Too bad I wasn't a girl scout. I'm never prepared for anything.

Like Lena

This past month's been like a blur, like I'd rather forget about it all. If I were on a roller coaster, it's like I've been brought to a screaming halt on my way back up to the top. I can't believe how I almost lost it a couple weeks ago. I can't believe how stupid I was for trying to go out on a limb for an idiot. But at least I see that now. I just reread the Sisterhood books. I feel like Lena, minus being an artist. And the whole ravishing beauty part. But in the sense of being the quiet one, the one who never expresses her feelings. I wish I could find the same courage she did to go out and finally be able to say something to set everything straight. I know that Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind," but I feel as though if I actually say what I feel I am going to hurt people, and be left with maybe half the friends I started with.
It's not just that I'm left behind in the shuffle, I guess I'm just confused within myself, too. I feel as though I'm just forgotten, because anything I'm good at, someone's better. And I know that's just the way it's always going to be. But anything I achieve, it's a bigger thing for someone else. I guess I'm feeling jealous. Jealous at everyone for knowing who they are already while I don't, and jealous for everyone who knows how to get their own spotlight. I don't think I've figured that out yet. Maybe that should be my goal for the rest of the year.

Blargh

So...the Snowflake Shake. I honestly wonder whether my somewhat pessimistic energy came back to haunt me the other day, because I really wasn't looking forward to it. And things that I was hoping wouldn't happen, of course, did happen. Naturally. I think it was worse than homecoming. I knew my moodiness was a bad thing! All day Friday I was in one of those moody I-don't want-to-do-anything sort of moods, and I ended up watching tv the entire day pretty much, even though there was nothing on. Seriously, I ended up watching some stupid disney channel musical thing on. The disney channel. Ick.
But anyways, the moments leading up to the dance were awesome. Casablanca was the neatest experience I've had in a while. Except I'm not sure about the girls being butterflies thing. And the fact that it was a bit expensive. But it was pretty worth it in the end.

But besides getting to the dance an hour before it ended, in the first two minutes upon arriving, I saw BOTH people I really would have preferred avoiding. Just my luck, of course.

And again, the songs? Not so great. So I think I've got to agree with Rabs... prom? My only reason for going would be for that awesome double decker bus. Because prom's too much of a date thing. Blargh.

Out With the Old

As 2005 comes to a close, as well as our winter break :(, I was thinking. 2006 is the year we finally graduate, and I never thought that year would come. I remember in fifth grade, my GT teacher was writing me a note saying how she would see me graduate in 2006, and I couldn't believe how long away that was. Everything seems so long ago and yet most of it happened so quickly it's now a blur. Odd, isn't it? Even this year has seemed long, but short at the same time.

I look back at 2005, and I don't know, lots of new things happened, lots of drama and stuff, but I still feel like the same old person. I don't think I've changed much, really. I mean, I still lack common sense, I'm still feeling continually stressed out, I'm still single, and I'm still hanging out with the same people. I think year 16 was sort of boring for me. It was still lots of fun and all, but it didn't really seem all that special to me. I mean, after prom was a sort of fiasco at the beginning, and summer was a bit tense. Homecoming I had a date, but it wasn't all that spectacular, and now the year's ending! And this break I didn't get a chance to do half the stuff I wanted to. College apps ruined the entire freaking break. That and Age of Innocence. O, and the lack of snow. It's sorta hard to build a snowman without the snow.
Maybe 2006 will bring me some better luck.

Home Sweet Home

Now that I've been back for a few days, I have to say that I appreciate Colorado and all it's beauty a whole lot more. Raleigh was nice, but by the end of the 4 days I was kinda sick of all the dead trees. I'm sure they're nice in the spring when they're all blooming and all, but right now they're sorta depressing. And at night it gets a bit creepy. And Raleigh is a bit dead. I mean, there's no rush hour traffic. No hectic bumper to bumper frustration trying to get home, like there was today after I was gift shopping for my mom. And I guess North Carolina must be pretty religious, because Sunday morning everything was dead. Completely shut down.
So all in all, I know that Denver's not the most exciting city to live in, but it sure is more exciting than Raleigh. And I have realized that between lots of trees and lots of mountains, I sure as heck prefer the mountains. :) Maybe Denver's not so bad after all...

The Image

I can't believe how uptight and self-conscious I've been lately, always worried about how people see me and what they think. Like how panicked I was when I found out about those lovely little rumors. And debate. I look back at debate last week and then I was all concerned about that mean Wheat Ridge team and what I possibly did to piss her off. But now I couldn't care less... Lots of people have probably felt the same way about me as that girl did, I just haven't heard about it. There's more to life than what people think of you. Thank God.

Looking at Rohini's picture of the picnic got me thinking about this year. I think the college apps and whatnot has sorta ruined the picture, but things haven't been so bad. A lot of the things I was kind of moody about, like Homecoming, were so stupid. It makes me laugh. I was so immature to let stuff like that get to me. But I think I've learned my lesson. Reminiscing has also made me realize that I've been missing out. A month ago I was hanging out with friends on the weekends, going to late night movies. Now, I've been reduced to studying and daydreaming, even on my birthday. Ick...I do not want to be a nerd. What happened to singing at the top of my lungs to random songs, and driving around with no place in particular to go?

I think this Winter Break I'm just going to be like a kid again. I want to make snow angels and make snowmen on my front lawn with rocks hidden inside to prevent kids from kicking it down like I used to. I want to drink hot chocolate while reading and watching the snow fall... I want to live the perfect image of winter.

My Discoveries

So I was thinking today, and I've realized a lot of things recently that I should've learned a long time ago. For example:
1) When I am playing by myself in band, it could just be that I have a solo, and not the fact that I am playing in the wrong place.
2) I can hum much better than I can sing.
3) I like to sing and hum, even though I suck (I've always knew this, I just reaffirmed this today).
4) Same applies for my dancing.
5) I am one crazy driver sometimes. Tires squealing and all. And apparently I ran a red light on Thursday. Bad me.
6) I do lots of planning, but I never carry out my plans. i.e. I am a chicken. :(
7) If I don't think about being sick, I feel relatively symptom free. If I think about being sick, I'm constantly sniffling and hacking. Not good.
8) I don't care about grades as much as I used to, like in bio, which is always a good thing. Didn't do so well in the bio lab, but I'm not stressing about. And anyways, half her complaints about the order which I stapled my stuff was all her fault, considering she was the one who stapled my lab in the first place.
9) I can be a pretty big flirt sometimes. But, there lots of other people who flirt a whole lot more than I do. Which is good and bad.
10) I am completely awful with directions. Again, I always knew this, it just got reaffirmed recently. I can barely remember which direction the sun rises and sets let alone know which way is north and south on a road. I should probably work on that. But in spite of this, I haven't really been lost once. I think I'm really lucky. Always a plus. :)

The Real Me

Is it possible for me to not really know who I am yet? Sometimes I feel like I'm just an empty shell with no substance inside. Then again, I can suprise myself with what I can do. It's kind of funny. The older I get, the more confused I am. I wonder if it's the same as that one saying about how the more you know, the less you realize that you know. Or something like that.
And it makes me kind of sad, because if I don't even know myself, then I don't know if anyone else really knows me either. I mean, how can anyone know me, if I don't even know myself?

Rescue Me

I think daylight savings time is gonna save me today. It was such a relief to wake up and realize that I've got an extra hour, 'cause I need it to write my college essays, and do my physics lab, and my physics homework, and my extended essay, and so forth. I've got too many ands on my list for my liking. I've never procrastinated so much! It's quite depressing for me. But I suppose to you guys, I've just finally become normal. ;)

Fall break just wasn't as fun and relaxing as I'd hoped, what with all that homework creeping up at the back of my mind. I haven't had time to do anything that I really wanted to do non-homework-wise. I haven't practiced my flute, which is killing me right now, with All-State coming up, I haven't caught up on sleep, I haven't read anything, I haven't written any poetry, I haven't done anything! I am getting a poem published, though, in the library newletter thing.

I think instead of studying and writing essays the whole day I'm just gonna take a few hours off for some me-time, and color some pictures with my new pencil crayons. I need some creative outlet to rescue me from drowning in textbooks and papers.

The Little Things I've Learned

On my trip, I realized lots of little things, most of them being pretty stupid, naturally. For instance, most of you guys know how my fingers on my right hand creak. Well, I learned that they creak a lot more in cold weather. And that it actually hurts when I do it. Which, now that I think about it, makes a lot of sense. I also learned that a liver is a lot bigger than a lung. Another thing that I was kind of like, 'duh' afterwards, but still... I suppose sometimes I have to act like an idiot in order to remember these sort of things. Now, I also appreciate the lovely Colorado weather. And I never thought I'd be so glad to see the sun. Seriously, I never saw the sun the three days i was in Toronto. It was all cloudy and nothing but cold rain. And St. Louis was sunny, but pretty cold as well. What a relief to come back to nice, pleasant Colorado.

I'm glad to be back here, except for all the reading and unwritten college essays that are waiting for me. I wish I got back here a little sooner. I can't believe it's Thursday already! Ugh. I'm never gonna get anything done. But it was pretty nice to see everyone. My little cousin is so cute! I think he's 3, and it's nice to see that he remembers me. Sometimes I wonder whether some of my other cousins do. And unfortunately, I don't remember some of my cousins either. I haven't see one of my cousins for a good 7 years or something like that, and I doubt I'll ever be able to recognize him.
But I was really happy to see my grandfather. I don't think he's doing too well, though. He sounds like he's choking a lot.

Anyways, I brought back lots of good food from Toronto that I can share with you. Especially some good all dressed chips. I already ate a lot of them already, they are just that tasty. I brought back some chocolate, too, but not a lot. Just a bag of small Aero bars and Smarties and Coffee crisp. It's one of those Haloween bags.
And I also bought a neat clock in Chinatown. It's green and in the shape of a treble clef. You guys should see it, once I put it up.

Overall, I think my trip was pretty nice, despite the weather. I even found out that I know more Chinese than I thought I did. Well, either that or I just guess well. Or maybe both. :)

Hello from Toronto

I'm here in Toronto, freezing my butt off as usual. It's been nothing but freezing cold rain up here, but I suppose that's to be expected, considering it's Canada. It's always cold this time of year. At least it's not snowing!

I've already bought myself some good pencil crayons, and had some good food. And I bought lots of Smartees and Aero bars for you guys. And All Dressed chips for myself :)

I miss you guys lots already. I thought we were all going to hang out yesterday. Oh well. I hope we'll hang out when I get back Wednesday. Or I can call you guys or something. I found out I don't have to pay for roaming! But of course, being up here, I've had to make several long distance calls. I think my cell phone bill's gonna be expensive this month.

Hope you guys will all have lots of fun the first half of the week. Plus, you know, getting everything done, too. I still need to read East of Eden....

Note to Self

This weekend I saw a couple chick flicks, which is usually what I'm not so into. But they were pretty good. And I don't know why, but the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants made me extremely teary. I cried through probably half the movies. I had to pause the movie to go run for tissues at one point. Which is weird, considering I'm pretty sure I wasn't getting all emotional when I watched it in the theater. Maybe watching it alone has a different effect on me. So note to self: next time I watch it, I should have tissues with me. I also noticed that Kostos isn't as good looking as I thought he was. Elizabethtown was nice too, although I don't think Orlando Bloom acted well. But I thought it eerie how I made so many connections. About a love movie. Especially this one part about a guy named Ben....You should all go see Elizabethtown. It made me realize that there's no point in denying my feelings towards the guy I know, even though I want to pound his head open.

Another note to self: when running, it would be a generally good idea if you stretch before you run. And after, too. I ran, what, a quarter of a lap and walked the rest? And I'm a tad sore. Pitiful, just pitiful. I'm so out of shape!!
:(

Listen to Your Heart

I think that if it could, my heart would leap out of my chest and start beating me around the head, yelling, "Stop being in denial!". Of course, my brain would, as always, tell me to ignore it and move on, like I usually do. But I think sometimes, I should just listen to my heart and just admit my feelings. Maybe if I did that, I would actually not have issues. For once.
But I'd have to say, for me, I doubt there's any love waiting for me here. Especially at Smoky. I mean, come on. So I guess I'll just have to wait for St. Louis. And I noticed. I think I've got a thing for Asians. Actually, more like Oriental people. What's up with that?
Ok, and why do people obsess over my flute? It's a freaking instrument that I play! I cringe when people try and put it together. I had to give a 'performance' yesterday after Science Bowl. It sucked. And I don't know why anyone would want to play it backwards. That's so stupid...

Pound It

This week has been awesome. Again, nothing big, but pretty sweet. It went by in a blur, always a good thing. But watching Equilibrium in TOK was nice and relaxing, plus all the chocolate :). Band hasn't been as stressful as it usually is, and I think I'm getting better at tuning (about time). Alicia and I have pretty sweet orchestra parts. We've little solos that overlap each other, kinda like a duet, i guess. You guys should come and check it out, and see Ozzie too. And I did well on that bio lab, and I have an A in English finally! For me, that's pretty good. Food Friday was nice. I hope we continue that. I felt pretty smart in English too, after we watched the beginning of Hamlet 2000, 'cause the stuff that the other people brought up I thought of too. I think I'm getting better in English. Add that to getting 2 questions right in science bowl (pretty good, considering it's me), plus today's Model UN, and I think my self-confidence took a boost this week. Abhi and I did pretty well for going in blind. Pound it.

But then again, I was thinking about what I said Friday, and I think a lot of my issues about my stupid life are my fault. That's a depressing thought, because I think I've just dug myself into a hole that might to be too big to get out of. Erg.

Let Me Know About the Little Things

Sometimes I wonder what happened to me since I turned 16. I mean, up until then things were always pretty good, generally speaking. But things just don't turn out the way I hoped anymore. I was trying to fill out the form for teacher recs, and I have no accomplishments. And everything I tried out for last year I didn't get. I guess that's part of growing up, huh. But if that's the case, I'd rather be young and innocent for a little while longer. If someone finds the way to live a good life, let me know.

Actually, until yesterday, my idea of how certain things were going to be were pretty much dashed. Like Homecoming. On the whole, a good, fun time. But somehow, I pictured it to be better than last year's because everyone was coming this time. Not the case. And Friday. Picturing lots of fun for two hours skating, playing laser tag with two friends. You know, a chance for me to hang out with different people for a change. Reality: two boring hours sitting at a desk daydreaming. But yesterday was a good time, just like I had hoped. So thanks Ozzie. I saw my first rated R movie without any parents, and playing Catchphrase was a nice end to the day.

I knew Rabah was right when she said this year would be all about the little things. I just didn't know how right. I mean, true, it's only been a month, but still. The big stuff I was looking forward to so far have been sort of a let down, and all the memorable stuff have been little in actuality. So I guess I'm stuck here, waiting for another little thing to mark down in my life's timeline and make a little blip in my otherwise boring life. If someone finds the secret to living life happily, let me know. Because at dinner last night, I realized that I'm kind of a negative person. My first thoughts to 8th and 9th grade were all negative. And I know that while they sucked and I laugh about it now, there must have been some happy moments there. Right? It'd be too sad if all I remembered from my high school days were about how unhappy they were. Is it too late to start sugar coating memories?

Time Stands Still

I wish that time would just stand still for a while so that I could enjoy some of the little beautiful moments in life. Like looking up at the sky through the green leaves at lunch. I could just lie there forever and think about things. It's quite peaceful, really.
I sat there thinking. Life's too short to just settle. From now on, I'm going to try to not do things halfheartedly. All or nothing. Which means, unfortunately, that I'll have to show a little more spine. I'll have to work on that. Someone beat me up if I don't speak my mind once in a while. But that's another thing. Usually I like to believe that everything happens for a reason. So after doing some quick thinking, I think that Friday and my indecisiveness has shown me that a) I do have some spine, but not enough and b) a certain person is not really worth it. Who hooks up that fast? But it's all good.
And I also thought about Homecoming. It was pretty good, but what was up with the music? Man, were some people busting out the moves, as Roro would say. That was awesome. Some things kinda weirded me out though. But I think it was worth it to see everyone looking so pretty!
But ok, I have no pictures of me with anyone! I think Rabah took one of me and her, but that's it. I have no picture with Rohini, or Yang, or Anandi, or Abhi or Alicia or Triveni. How am I supposed to remember Homecoming with no pictures of me and my friends?
I wish time would just stand still for a while. I feel like life's a blur, and I can't keep a handle on it. I want to remember all the little moments with my friends before they go away. Time Stands Still...Good song too.

Train Wreck

I think I have serious communication issues. I laughed about it a lot yesterday, but it also really sucked. I think my problem is that I don't really pay attention to conversations. Sigh. I can be so stupid sometimes. Yesterday morning, I was my usual, cautious (ie boring) self. By lunch, I was quite proud of myself, and I was going a bit faster. By the end of the day, even faster, and by the time I was at Chipotle, I think I crashed. Not good.

Today's homecoming, and I've got a lot of mixed feelings. For starters, I'm starting to feel sick again, and I've had a stomachache for 24 hours now. And I'm really, really nervous. But, I'm excited to see how wonderful everyone's gonna look. I wish everyone was going though. It would've made things a lot more fun. But what can you do. And I think a wish like that would probably backfire anyways, knowing my luck.