Let Me Know About the Little Things

Sometimes I wonder what happened to me since I turned 16. I mean, up until then things were always pretty good, generally speaking. But things just don't turn out the way I hoped anymore. I was trying to fill out the form for teacher recs, and I have no accomplishments. And everything I tried out for last year I didn't get. I guess that's part of growing up, huh. But if that's the case, I'd rather be young and innocent for a little while longer. If someone finds the way to live a good life, let me know.

Actually, until yesterday, my idea of how certain things were going to be were pretty much dashed. Like Homecoming. On the whole, a good, fun time. But somehow, I pictured it to be better than last year's because everyone was coming this time. Not the case. And Friday. Picturing lots of fun for two hours skating, playing laser tag with two friends. You know, a chance for me to hang out with different people for a change. Reality: two boring hours sitting at a desk daydreaming. But yesterday was a good time, just like I had hoped. So thanks Ozzie. I saw my first rated R movie without any parents, and playing Catchphrase was a nice end to the day.

I knew Rabah was right when she said this year would be all about the little things. I just didn't know how right. I mean, true, it's only been a month, but still. The big stuff I was looking forward to so far have been sort of a let down, and all the memorable stuff have been little in actuality. So I guess I'm stuck here, waiting for another little thing to mark down in my life's timeline and make a little blip in my otherwise boring life. If someone finds the secret to living life happily, let me know. Because at dinner last night, I realized that I'm kind of a negative person. My first thoughts to 8th and 9th grade were all negative. And I know that while they sucked and I laugh about it now, there must have been some happy moments there. Right? It'd be too sad if all I remembered from my high school days were about how unhappy they were. Is it too late to start sugar coating memories?

Time Stands Still

I wish that time would just stand still for a while so that I could enjoy some of the little beautiful moments in life. Like looking up at the sky through the green leaves at lunch. I could just lie there forever and think about things. It's quite peaceful, really.
I sat there thinking. Life's too short to just settle. From now on, I'm going to try to not do things halfheartedly. All or nothing. Which means, unfortunately, that I'll have to show a little more spine. I'll have to work on that. Someone beat me up if I don't speak my mind once in a while. But that's another thing. Usually I like to believe that everything happens for a reason. So after doing some quick thinking, I think that Friday and my indecisiveness has shown me that a) I do have some spine, but not enough and b) a certain person is not really worth it. Who hooks up that fast? But it's all good.
And I also thought about Homecoming. It was pretty good, but what was up with the music? Man, were some people busting out the moves, as Roro would say. That was awesome. Some things kinda weirded me out though. But I think it was worth it to see everyone looking so pretty!
But ok, I have no pictures of me with anyone! I think Rabah took one of me and her, but that's it. I have no picture with Rohini, or Yang, or Anandi, or Abhi or Alicia or Triveni. How am I supposed to remember Homecoming with no pictures of me and my friends?
I wish time would just stand still for a while. I feel like life's a blur, and I can't keep a handle on it. I want to remember all the little moments with my friends before they go away. Time Stands Still...Good song too.

Train Wreck

I think I have serious communication issues. I laughed about it a lot yesterday, but it also really sucked. I think my problem is that I don't really pay attention to conversations. Sigh. I can be so stupid sometimes. Yesterday morning, I was my usual, cautious (ie boring) self. By lunch, I was quite proud of myself, and I was going a bit faster. By the end of the day, even faster, and by the time I was at Chipotle, I think I crashed. Not good.

Today's homecoming, and I've got a lot of mixed feelings. For starters, I'm starting to feel sick again, and I've had a stomachache for 24 hours now. And I'm really, really nervous. But, I'm excited to see how wonderful everyone's gonna look. I wish everyone was going though. It would've made things a lot more fun. But what can you do. And I think a wish like that would probably backfire anyways, knowing my luck.

Err, sorry about my last couple of posts. I didn't mean to make people worry. This is just how I clear things out of my head. Good news, I was just being a moody idiot, as usual, but it's all squared away. :) I did discover that it's quite nice to sit around and watch movies while you're supposed to be doing your homework, which I did this weekend, and also yesterday since I had 4th off. What a good way to clear your head.

Bad news: I think I caught a bad cold. My nose will not stop running and I feel bad. And that calc test sucked. I haven't even started the back page yet. I blame my nose. I couldn't concentrate. :( And that fire drill in the midst of the freezing cold weather didn't really help at all.

But in between all my sniffling, I decided that Homecoming, though it may suck, is (grudgingly) worth spending the 15 dollars for. Because we're all going this time. And, as Roro reminded me last night, I did have fun last year. I had forgotten that. And, even cooler, I might add, I can go out to dinner with you guys! My mom totally gave me the evil eye when I said I would have to carpool, meaning I would have to catch a ride with another teenager (gasp, oh how awful!), but she's agreed. I'm excited now.
So while drinking hot chocolate (the best drink ever for cold days), I have decided that this better be a good homecoming to make up for the fact that this week has too many tests, and the fact that I've got a cold. Though TOK last night was pretty fun, except for those few people who just kept Talking. It's fun to smoke marijuana. Lol, I can't believe that was in the song. And all that stuff about Disney. Seriously, how did you guys know about all that stuff? Since when did IB students watch Disney movies that closely? ;)

I feel like I'm six inches tall. I can't think, there's no more room in my head. Just please don't lie to me anymore, k? I'm sick of blaming myself.

Some Days

Some days it's the little things that make a day great, happy and just perfect in your mind. Other days, it's the little things that just make the day awful and sad. Today's one of those other days.
Sometimes, I wish I could live in a cave. It'd make life easier. But then I'd miss English, today's highlight. Himanshu and Yang along with Mr. Ady's weird acting and PA's made me crack up.
And I tire of being the afterthought

Grimm Heart Attack

Last night I had such an Awesome time at the movies! We were out having fun with the idea of a long weekend, and the fact that Anandi and Rohini got their liscences! So Teesa, Rabah, Anandi, Abhi, Roro and I all went to Brothers Grimm. I wish we saw you earlier though, Rabs. I love Friday night movies. It makes me feel like an everyday teenager out having fun, not a typical IB nerd who stays in and does homework all night long.
Omigosh, that movie was so good that I didn't feel guilty about the baseball game my family was supposed to go to. Ok, well I didn't really think so until I got over my heart attack. I should've known the movie would be scary, considering that it's Brothers Grimm, the people who made gruesome fairy tales. I kept screaming in the movie theater. But it was funny and I loved it. Everyone should go see it. If you ask me though, that movie should be rated R. It was gruesome and unnecessarily violent. And it was enough to make that girl cry. However, I have to admit. I think IB English has scarred me for life. During the times where I was thinking and not in shock or fear, I kept thinking about the tone and symbols and meanings of some of the actions, and other lit junk. Yuk.
Heath Leger and Matt Damon were awesome. And that guy in the previews was cute, but I have two things to say: 1) What kind of a name is Woodsworth? and 2) Teesa, how did you even know his name was Woodsworth?

I can't believe we've only been in school for two weeks. It seems like so long, and graduation is so far away. Although I want to get out of here, I'm enjoying it quite nicely. Except for band, and the usual homework of course. I don't think I've been so happy since I don't know when. Hanging out with all you guys at lunch, especially Green days, is awesome. I'm going to bring my camera Wednesday to take a picture of all the IB Seniors there. It'd make a cool picture. I feel as though I've gotten closer to and gotten to know people better, and I'm so relaxed and happy now. I have no idea why, maybe all you guys are finally rubbing off on me and your laughter and happiness is infectious. I can't wait for Homecoming.

Laughter is Good for the Soul

I should most definitely be finishing my extended essay, but I'd rather ramble first. Yesterday was such an awesome English class, and I'm not just talking about the fact that we didn't have an in class essay. I was in Such a bad mood yesterday. I'm talking about being bitter and angry and frustrated, the works. But come fourth period, Mr. Ady and his dramatic explanations of the lit terms and all the laughter, I just couldn't help laughing and smiling too. It was infectious, really. I can't believe English, of all classes, can do that to me. After all, I've pretty much hated that class since 8th grade, but I'm actually excited. I think I'm gonna finally learn a lot. At least now I know the difference between a bunch of terms, finally sort of understand what a paradox is, and will hopefully take a lot less time to fully understand things than understanding leitmotifs last year, which took me 3/4 the year. Laughter is definitely the best way to cure bad moods. So is cranking up the loud music that outlines exactly how you feel and jumping around, which I also admittedly did in between doing Bio homework last night.

Today was an interesting day too, in terms of luck. To get my name drawn out of the basket during class meeting was undoubtedly pretty lucky. So I think I used my luck up on that, because right after that, come band class, I was absolutely unlucky. I seriously have not played that badly since I don't know when, probably middle school. You can ask Steven. I couldn't get notes out, I couldn't read. And tuning was a nightmare. I started out pretty much in tune, but then people were staring at me, so, the stupid self-conscious person that I am, thought I was out of tune, so I adjusted my flute. And then, of course, I was way out of tune. So I panicked, and wildly twisted my flute, getting more and more out of tune, before I finally got it to 'passable'. But it was the best before I touched the stupid thing. Ugh. You can ask Alicia if you don't believe me. It really was that bad. From now on, I am absolutely going to close my eyes while tuning so that I can't see people looking at me, because then I'll think something's wrong again.

Oh, and I saw Thomas again. Beats me what he's still doing here. It was pretty odd. Nice, but odd.

New Beginnings

So after our first day(s) of school, I've been thinking a lot. It's kind of weird to think that we're seniors, that next year we'll all be split up. Rabah, Rohini, and I kept talking about all the stuff we're going to do next year (such as volunteering at the Aids walk) but we realized there really isn't time. It's exciting and puzzling at the same time.
After two days, it feels like I've been at school forever, but strangely enough, although I, as usual, am all panicked and stressed, I'm not overwhelmed. Our teachers are all pretty cool, and the only ones I pretty much dislike are Rubenstein (only because she can't teach very well, not because she's not nice) and Mr. Krusniak. Or rather band class in general. That class gives me more panic than pleasure, if you ask me, but I've worked too hard to quit there. I feel as though senior year is the perfect time for new beginnings, new friendships, feelings, ideas, a whole new me. I am trying my best not to freak out about English class with all the smart people, am trying not to stress so much (I think I've lowered that a little) and will try to have more confidence. That's right, no more fear, no more walking around in someone else's shadow.
I've got a new haircut, new teachers, new debate partner, new everything except friends. And I'm going to make the most of it.

Erg

Ok, so I've decided that I really want to learn a bit more Cantonese, but it's not been a pleasurable experience. I have a HORRIBLE accent, unfortunately, and in Chinese, accents matter. A lot, it turns out. Like if your voice goes up at the end, it's one word, and if it goes down, it's a completely different word, such as the difference between eat and color. I was trying to say the word teacher, but because my voice didn't go up at the end like it was supposed to, apparently I said something really err... bad. Oops. How frustrating! Perhaps I should learn Mandarin instead? When I was little, I could speak Mandarin pretty well. I had no idea what I was saying, but it was pretty good. I won some awards for it. I should get Yang to come over and interpret for me.

And speaking of frustrating but pretty cool, I watched I Heart Huckabees. Of course, being me, I got a bit lost and stuff, but it wasn't bad. Lots of swearing, though. Kinda like listening to Josh. (JK). Totally got lost at the end, but I got the beginning, so it's a start. Mark Wahlberg was so funny. I wish I could be an actress...

On a major side note, however, I started playing Final Fantasy. I started it 5 years ago so all the characters have weird names, like Dude for a female white mage (I don't think I knew it was a girl) and Ozzz. I know. They're nutsy. But it's pretty fun, for being an ancient Nintendo game. I can't get dizzy! But it's taking forever! I still have 3 more orb things to light. :( It's gonna be a project for next summer, I think.

Oh yeah, btw, I got a cell phone. It's a typical Asian number, if you ask me. 303-725-8885. See? I told you. Lots of 8s and no 4s. I didn't even ask for it that way.

Back to the Beginning

Today was just one of those days where it's kinda gloomy outside, but I love it. I had a lot of time to sit and think about everything. I don't know, it was a bit depressing. Summer's a week away from being over, and looking back, in some ways it seriously sucked, yet in some ways I was at peace for probably the first time I can remember in a while. Everything this summer's a rush. Rush of time, rush of emotions, rush of thoughts. Feeling confused, worried, betrayed, and angry are somewhere at the top, along with feeling upset with myself and feeling guilty. I know I hurt people these two months, and people have hurt me. I would say one of those heartfelt 'I'm sorry's' but I don't know how and for what. Sometimes, I wish I could just start over, back at the beginning and start fresh. Today I asked myself what I've done with my life, what I've accomplished. And the answer is not much, really.
I hate feeling this way. I mean, I don't feel upset with life really, just angry at myself. I've been left out and invisible for so long, I don't know how to come out anymore.

Those good old summer days
I crave them
Like home cooked meals

I hunger for summer
The hot weather
The crisp nights,
Staying up late

I love that boredom
That lazy freedom
And although there is that persistent buzz
Of essays left unwritten, books left unread
Like an annoying fly,
It is easily ignored

I thirst for cool water,
A good read by the pool
Sipping refreshing lemonade with a smile

I desire running through sprinklers,
Long night walks
With laughter and joy among friends

I just want to sit there and relax,
To bask in the sunlight,
In the good old summer days

Accents

So after yesterday when people were making fun of me and my 'Canadian accent' and because I play the flute and am "never in tune", I came home and realized two things. One, that after Andrew kept saying 'eh' I began saying it too after practically every question sentence. I totally blame Andrew for this. And two, that my sister actually says 'tags' kinda like it's pronounced taegs. Kind of like how Emily says it, but more subtle. So I don't know, maybe she's got an accent, a "Canadian accent." Which means, maybe I've got one too? To which all I can say is, darn. Who would've thought. But I still deny that I do.

Team Spirit

K, well, I'm not gonna repeat everything that happened yesterday, as I'm sure everyone else would have posted the same thing. But let me tell you, if you weren't at the Dragon Boat Festival yesterday, you missed out on all the fun.

I am soo shocked and surprised and happy at how well we all did! After seeing us on Sunday, who would've thought that we'd only all practiced together on Saturday and that it was our first time out on water. Man, I watched the videotape of our 3 races, and we were good. Yang was beating the crap out of that drum, and we were loud. I hope we were intimidating.

But besides being embarassed since all these grownups tried to talk to me in Mandarin and I, of course, a) only speak Cantonese and b) know only about 15 words in Cantonese, had absolutely no idea what anyone was saying. However, I met some neat Chinese people on the team.

And today, I saw school people I haven't seen since school ended. Fun fun. But seeing them under today's circumstances: not fun, not fun at all. Let me be the first to say that this Extended Essay workshop was not what I imagined. I think there's a difference in being pressured to get the whole darn thing done (what I imagined) and being submitted to panic attacks to get the whole darn thing done in 2 and a half days, especially considering a bunch of people just got topic changes, myself included. All my research is useless, and I need a thesis and some writing by tomorrow. Is it just me, or did practically everyone who had Mr. Weissman get completely new topics? And I thought stress was only for school...Haha

Wishful Thinking

I was thinking late last night, and I realized how little I have done with my life so far. So as I was drifting off to sleep, I made up a wish list of the things I want to do.

1. Go back to Calgary and see how everything has changed in the last eight years. I also want to see my old house. I heard the owners painted the door bright blue.
2. Stop thinking and worrying so much and do something spontaneously.
3. Yell at someone for pissing me off.
4. Be more confident with my flute playing. And be consistent. That way, I will play better when it actually counts. And then I will gain more confidence and consistency, and then things will go in a lovely circle.
5. Go wild in New York City.
6. Watch a horror movie. Preferably at the theater. I mean, I've already seen the Ring and I Know What You Did Last Summer. The Ring wasn't as bad as I thought.

Musicality

Lately, I'd forgotten about music. I simply lost my passion for it when summer started. Burned out, completely lost interest. In light of the events of the summer, I just gave up and never really practiced. I used to have a lot of ambition for my playing. I guess I felt dead and angry about it all. Now, I'm glad to say, I got it all back. I realized how important music really is. Its beauty calms you and relaxes you, or can excite you. Music stirs up emotions that you could never put down on paper.

Here's another poem I wrote on music. I wrote it a couple of months ago for that one English project on new crit.

A Note of Expression

I have never been
A talkative person
Never been able to talk through things
But music is my words

Calming, soothing, slow
Like the faint rustling of water
In a brook,
Its zigzag form
Telling me to slow down, stop
For at least a count

The solemn notes
Of sorrow
Slow moving melodies
Delicate tear drops on sheets

Relieving the upheaval of stress
Giving needed peace

Music
Is my expression

The Joys of Cantonese

Well, after rowing practice yesterday, I'm all sore again. I can hardly move. But after reading Harry Potter and listening to some nice music, I feel much better. Yang lent me the Les Choristes soundtrack, and that is beautiful music. But I think my capacity for understanding French has withered, because I only know understand the titles of the songs and a few words here and there. I also learned some Cantonese yesterday from my dad while we were TV shopping (TV busted. All we see now is a thin colorful line on a black screen). I can now recite my colors and can say some simple sentences. I'm proud of retaining at least some of it. Sadly, most of them revolve around food. And I sound like a kindergardener, saying stuff like 'I drink orange juice' with a horrible accent. And all the words sound the same to me, so I ended up saying once that I drink apple porridge. Whoops. Oh the joys of the Chinese language.

Creativity

I feel creative today, so I thought I'd post some stuff that I've been working on. I wrote a poem and I painted some, and I'm going to make another string of origami cranes to stick on my ceiling.

The Turtle

Slowly, creeping
Cautiously peering
Sticking its thin neck out
Of its high domed shell
Worriedly
Scared
Looking for acceptance
Pleading to no longer be an outsider
Praying to be welcomed back into the fold
Afraid that its' been too quiet
For too long

Is it too late?
Did it take too long to finally
Finally, slowly, get out of that shell?
To open up to the world?

No longer invisible, but still timid
No longer afraid to speak but still hesitant
Of what's in that heavily burdened head
Outgrown its shell
Tired of being slow
Of being left behind
It silently begs
Please hear me out

I wrote this at like one in the morning, but it felt appropriate for how I've been feeling lately.

This is the colorful blob I made a couple of days ago. It's not good of course, not like anything Yang's posted. But I thought I'd post it anyways, since I'm in a good mood. Tell me what u think. And you can be honest, I don't care if you tell me that's the worst thing you've ever seen in your life.

O Happy Day

Today I'm just happy! I haven't felt this way in a long time, actually. Probably not since the middle of June. I've been all melancholy and stuff. But it's a beautiful day, and I'm sipping a milkshake. (It's good, I wish you could all try it). I'm excited for life, and I've never had so much energy! Not to mention I got good AP/IB scores (except French, but that's ok) in spite of all my worrying. And I Finally got this huge weight off my chest. I got some courage, like Bryce in Flipped! Yay! Well, not really since I was never that stupid and didn't go as far as he did to fix things, but still. I said what I needed to. And I really do feel a lot better about things. So thanks to a certain friend for listen to me bumble out some anger and frustration yesterday on the phone. Let's just hope this good feeling lasts...

Dancing...Just What the Doctor Ordered

Although I still feel some pain in my back from rowing, it is considerably less than yesterday. I think the dancing helped. At least, it certainly helped me forget about it. So kudos to Yang and Anandi for setting this whole thing up. It was a blast! Took me a while to start dancing, but I started up in the end. It always takes me time to do these things; I think I'm too self-conscious. But once I get some caffeine in my system, that all goes away. Good food, good dancing, awesome company (even though quite a few never hit the dance floor), catching up with people, and running through the sprinklers was just what the doctor ordered to alleviate that rowing pain. Who would've thought rowing through grass would be that painful? But at least I'm not the only one with aches. I thought I'd be the only one, and if I brought it up, you guys would just chastise me for being a weakling.

Btw, Triveni, if you want to complain about your parents making you leave early, you can always talk to me, as I know exactly what you're feeling. My dad was trying to make me come home early just so he could sleep, and was trying to make me feel guilty, but he didn't sleep until 12:30, meaning I could've stayed for the whole party. How's that for ridiculous?