Full Circle

The weird thing about education is how many circles you go through. You start as the freshman in high school, slightly confused and looking up, seeing you've got four years to spend here before you're part of the big guys on campus. The Seniors! And once that comes around and you graduate, you're back at the beginning: Freshies again! And it's three or four or five more years till you can happily brag about being a senior and almost done with college.
Getting ready for my third turn around the circle is even weirder. There were so many differences between high school and college that everything was still new and exciting, and I didn't mind being a college freshman. It was waaay better than being a senior, if you ask me. The freedom was invigorating. And a bit too intoxicating too, sometimes. But now, the differences between college and grad school isn't much, except I'm sure this time is gonna be a huge step up in intensity. But the rest is sort of the same: the nervousness of the uncertainty of where I'm going to end up, thinking about what to pack and what to leave behind (although this time I'm sure a much larger amount of things are going to get packed up as I'm sort of sure I'm not going to be permanently living at home anymore), and where I'm gonna live for four + years.
And now I've got to sit down and fill out my FAFSA for the first time since high school to boot. Ahhh loans!!!! Noooooooooo! Lol, it is about time, I suppose. I was super lucky my parents supported me so much, paying for my undergrad and even my housing, too. But now it's time to stand on my own two wobbly legs. Which means being massively in debt, but oh well.
Sometimes, I feel I didn't enjoy college as much as I could have. I didn't go out much, and actually didn't make any lasting friends, either. It was the weirdest thing; most of the friends I made in college were people I knew from high school but didn't hang out with. But I'm definitely hoping med school will be different. Hell, I'm way different. But with any circle and journey, I'm sure that's to be expected.

Although I didn't know her well, I'm so sorry to hear that Sam Taylor has passed away in Vietnam. We met on our spring break trip to California, as camp counselors at YMCA Camp Campbell. I will always remember her as Firefly, and how sweet and full of energy she was, especially on the long drive there and back.
And on a selfish note, it's just so sad and scary. I mean, we're young. This kind of thing shouldn't happen to us, we are at the age to look forward, and celebrate our lives. Not have everything stop so abruptly. I can't believe she's gone. It's definitely an eye-opening shocker, and it couldn't have happened to a nicer person. I will miss you for sure, Sam, even if we only hung out for a week.

Romantic Interruptions

It's a good thing my boyfriend and I aren't super big on Valentine's day, because the "holiday" (as about as loose of a term as possible) definitely didn't go as planned. Nothing like parents and exes to rain on the parade.

We decided to just do something low-key so we were planning on heading to Boulder to tour the Celestial Seasonings factory, since Morgan likes tea, and neither of us had been, despite living in Boulder for all that time. So just as we get up to Boulder, literally turning onto Baseline Rd, Morgan gets a call from his parents. Their car broke down (something is has apparently been threatening to do for a month) and Morgan needed to come and get them right away. So as soon as we got up to Boulder, we had to turn right around and go back to Aurora. Cue end of Boulder trip.

Well, that's ok, we still continued with our plans, watching the movie Red. Since we obviously finished way earlier than we had originally planned, we decided to just get dinner early. So, head to the restaurant we picked, only to find it closed. Ok, fine, time to pick an alternative. After deciding on pho, we head to the one on Mississippi. And about a quarter of the way through, who should come in but the one person who would make this "romantic" dinner the most awkward possible. Yep, cue ex-boyfriend and family. Who ended up sitting diagonally from us (we were sitting in the corner along one wall, and they sat along the other wall). Very, very awkward. But the whole thing was sort of comical, even I have to admit. It's one of those laws, I think, that when things don't come along as expected, they start to snowball in that way.

But the plans weren't over. Yesterday, we had dessert while watching the Avs game. And of course, who should ruin that plan but another old flame of mine, the Calgary Flames, my old hometown team (heh heh heh dumb pun). Yep, they came here and completely trashed the poor Avs, 9-1. What a sad showing, definitely a level of Valentine's Day Massacre.

So all in all, a Valentine's Day that we just had to laugh over how things just worked out. Of all the reasons, and people and circumstances it was just one of those days were you had to nod, and sigh, "Of course. Naturally this would happen now." So it's a good thing neither of us were all uber hyped for Feb. 14, and a good lesson learned to never do so in the future, lol.

Ocean Driving

Today is one of those days where I am so completely in love with Denver weather. 60 degree weather in February is just awesome, and even more so when it's melting all the snow. During the short trip from Wal-Mart to a friend's house, I didn't plug my radio back in since the ride was so short (I've got a somewhat old car, so it's got one of those stereos with a removable faceplate since the original stereo was basically a tape deck and really bad and non working radio). Because the snow is never plowed in neighborhoods, the sun was doing its job, melting all the snow on the road, turning it into slush and water. So during the drive, i was plowing through the water and some slightly damp roads, and it was just like driving through the ocean! I could hear the calming whooshing sounds and the occasional splash, and man did I want to be at a beach right then.
Although at the beach, I probably couldn't have red velvet cupcakes :)

Snoooooowwwww

Wow has it been one crazzzy winter! First no snow and the first green Christmas we've had in a while, and now it's snow. Warm melting snow weather. Then snow again. And frigid temperatures. It hasn't been so cold since I was in Canada!
But I guess the one good thing about it has been how much I've toughened up because of the snow. I used to be the biggest wimp about going out and driving in the snow. I would stay home for weeks to prevent driving around, or beg for rides. Now that I'm working,however, it was time to man up and get used to pumping the brake, driving slowly, and sliding around.
I'm proud to say that today I learned my lesson from Friday! A lot less panicking when sliding and definitely no giving in to the sort of peer pressure from drivers behind me to drive faster. Before, if I saw someone tailing me I would feel pressured to drive faster, get them off my back. But now, I sort of don't care. Sure, if that monster truck hit me, my poor little Accord would probably get the brunt end of it, but hey, at least it wouldn't be my fault.
Last Friday was the scariest, and man do I totally believe in guardian angels, watchful ancestors, everything, because someone/people up there were totally looking out for me and I am so totally grateful. I hit black ice on my way to work, started sliding out of my left hand lane into a car in the turn lane, then at the last second started sliding the other way, spinning perpendicularly into the middle lane. Seriously, I ended up almost horizontal facing the sidewalk! But luckily, no one was around due to the previous intersection being turned into a four way stop due to a light outage (another poor, unlucky person slid into a pole that fell into the traffic light). Normally there's plenty of people on Chambers, all on their way to work. I don't think that road has ever been so empty! So yes, super uber lucky! But all in all, a good lesson to NOT panic when I hit ice and slam on the break. Which was a good thing for me to remember today, when I slid again on my way to work, but this time on snow on Colfax. I wish they'd just plow the roads.
I love snow in the winter, but man am I glad for the "super warm weather" (newspaper's words, not mine) up ahead this weekend :)

The Joys of Childhood

Yesterday afternoon the Chow family sat and watched an old video of when my sister and I were kids. I was 2, and Tiff was around 4. It was absolutely hilarious, we both sounded something like the Chipmunks, and could get away with being so high-pitched shrill because we were so little. It was almost even cute.

Yep, I'm vain enough to admit it. I was hilariously cute at the age of two and a half. I would switch dominant hands constantly, follow my big sister around repeating everything she said, and would finger paint by kneading my hands together so that paint would coat both sides of my hands, and then "paint" by rubbing my hands like a windshield wiper across the middle of the paper. And then rub my nose and cheeks for good measure, too. I was so childishly dumb, my mom had to steer me around during an easter egg hung because i couldn't find any eggs. And whenever I found one I'd go and show my dad. I liked to run around around in circles and jump around a lot. Good times, good times. I can't believe how much patience parents have towards their hyperactive children. Amazing!! And also a huge reason I could never be a parent right now.

I always found it so weird that my parents videotaped everything, but now I guess I see their reasons why: hilarious and cheap entertainment for the future :)
The reminiscing wasn't too bad either.

The Resolutions

My blog has gotten neglected for a while, whoops!
But anyways, even though I am a week late, I thought I should write down my resolutions for 2011! Maybe writing them out, and posting it up online, no less, will help me keep them.
1. Keep track of my spending! I usually buy all my stuff with a debit card and then look online, but sometimes I use cash and then I never know where it goes :(
So this year, I've decided to use Excel to keep track! And so far, so good :)
2. Get into medical school. Still have one more interview, so it's not all out of my hands yet! I'm keeping those fingers crossed for CU. Toes, too.
3. I've become really into makeup, and actually buying things too. My skin has dramatically gotten better this year so maybe that's why. So I think I should also resolve to spend a little on myself, but not TOO much. Hence resolution number 1! Must save for resolution 2, haha.
4. Sometimes my temper can get the best of me, aah! SO, I am also committing to being more patient/being nicer. I mean, I don't think I'm quite at the angry mean person yet, but you know, never want to get anywhere near that point :)

So, happy new year, and hopefully I can keep up these four for another 359 days :)

Those Apps

CU! CU! Let me in please! :D Or actually, I'd go for any school :)
This whole med school application process has been stressful! And it doesn't help that med schools seem more content with leaving their applicants in the dark than other grad schools >.<
Or this could also be because I'm not a top applicant post-interview. Grrrr
But yay to Morgan for getting into pharm school!

Shout Out

I Haven't written in a while, but I do want to say thank you. There's no denying that I have few friends, but I am proud to say the few that I have are truly awesome. Today was my 22nd birthday, and I had to say for a while I was dreading it. I was so excited for it; I mean, when your birthday is this time of the month, it's ALWAYS finals time. So studying was a major part of each birthday until now. So I was excited at first, but then the past couple of days were truly horrible. It seemed like I was put on the back burner, with all my relatives, even the ones who pretty much never forget, well...forgetting, and with all the renovations going on in my house, that's pretty much all my parents would talk about. So I was definitely feeling bummed leading up to today. And obviously I know this sounds so ridiculous, getting all worked up about one lousy day, but...well, I did.
But I have to say,to all my friends, you all made today so special, just that little text, or post, and even that special someone coming over twice today to spend time with me. You all made this one of the best birthdays I can remember. So shout out to everyone, THANK YOU! :D

Inside the Lines

You know when you were little and people always told you to think outside the box and color outside the lines? I used to think of it literally and scribble over entire pictures and called it art. There's nothing wrong with that, although I do believe that there is one time when these mantras or whatever you would like to call them are wrong. And that time is called "driving."

Yes, driving is one time where creativity is not really a good thing. And it is definitely one where you should stay within your lines. As long as you're not changing lanes or anything. I've noticed that more and more drivers are getting a bit too creative. Drifting into other lanes, swerving, or being altogether nuts is not cool. Neither is being honk-happy. And then they even look at you like you're the rude, insane one! I long for a few years ago when drivers seemed more courteous, and even thanked you for letting them into your lane, etc. Never seems to happen anymore! Oh today's society....

For Betty

The Golden Threads

Our threads barely touched each other

But a connection they still made

Yours near the end, mine near the beginning

I saw you right before the end

Listened to your past

While you listened to my present.

I wish I knew you back then

And saw who you really were

The vitality and joy

The music should have played for you

Brushing off two years of rust

To bring back your old self

That vitality, that joy

Letting you hear the melodies one last time before you went.

Two threads touched

Briefly, just for a moment

But I'm happy they even crossed at all.

Manliness

For the upteenth time in a row, I've received another schtick for yet another new credit card in the mail. The catch? The pretty little envelope reads Mr. Kelsey Chow. Yes. MR. Besides Kelsey Grammer, what other men have really been named Kelsey? So Credit Card Companies let it be known: even if I do need a new credit card, if you think I'm a man, there really is no way I would consider getting a card from you. After all, if they somehow believe I am gender confused, maybe they might confuse my credit rating too. And that would probably end up being worse. On some days it's actually amusing, but now that more than one company believes I have become a male, it has moved from amusing to annoying. Gah. Kelsey Chow= a woman!

Lab Coats

I got to wear a white lab coat today! It made me feel special :) Except I was probably dwarfed by it, it was so large. I just have one question though: why do they have large slits in them next to the pockets? Such a conundrum. I feel like it'd be easy to try to slip something into your pocket and have it go through the slit and smash onto the floor. Imagine doing that in front of your patient! It would probably either put him or her at ease because their doctor is so comical, or else make them nervous that their doctor is so dumb that she can't even figure out where her pockets are.

The changes

You know it's probably time to update a blog when summer has come, gone, come and gone again. One year and two finally finished degrees later, it's more than a little amusing to see the content of my blog and how drastically my views have changed :D

But one of the biggest things that has changed is....my size. And man is it hard to find jeans! I never realized how difficult it was to find normal (what I call blue-jean colored, which is to say medium-blue) colored, non ripped boot cut jeans. Simple, you say? I think not. They're all faded and weird dark, distressed colors now, and ripped is in, the more the better. I guess in this case trying to strive for what I thought was the norm is now the outliers. Oh well, time to wait for fashion to change yet again so that I may be "in style". Lol, where is Stacy and Clinton when you need them?

Contemplating Summer in the Rain

I've always been a fan of rain, but after what seems like almost two weeks of rain or threats of it, I'm starting to wish for one of those genuinely hot summer days. I tend to get headaches before or when it rains (one of those lovely inherited traits via my mom's family) so it's been a tad on the annoying side lately. The rain makes me want to stay at home, curled up with hot chocolate and a nice book, but the MCAT looming soon means that the nice book will probably be my MCAT review guide, ick.

We've been out of school for almost a month, but I still feel like I just got out. I haven't been productive at all, haven't done any of the nice summery things I wanted to do before I had to study and work, it makes me feel sort of panicked. Even though they're little things, afternoon bowling, friend-catching-up, a day at the museum, I wish I'd tackled at least some of them by now. I miss seeing everybody, both in Boulder and here. It makes me feel as though I crawled into a cave and I lost my flashlight, and everyone is all congregating without me :(
But no matter. It's weird to think about how grown up we all are, spread out on both sides of the country and out of it, at work at fancy jobs. I can't even remember those high school summers anymore, where no one worked, maybe a small volunteering job a couple days a week, and the rest was left up to lazing away. I guess it's time to stop wishing and start looking for my flashlight. After all, with some time management, there is still plenty of time left.

Changing Seasons

Everyone always feels like Colorado has crazy weather, and I have to agree, but I feel like it's kind of like that no matter where you are sometimes. I remember in Calgary it snowed once in the summer, and then melted quickly the next day, much like what happened last Thursday. It was actually quite beautiful, the rapid melting of snow that resulted in smoke/fog rising from the road. It was quite fun to drive around in it.
There aren't really seasons anymore, I feel like, or at least no more transitions from one to the next. It melds into something more like two: hot, dry summer/spring-ish, and then cold, semi-wet fall/winter, although spring can definitely be more like the winter, like it is now. I feel like my feelings kind of follow the seasons, having no borders and they just...change. And I always feel much happier when the sun's out, like nothing can go wrong on a sunny day. Too bad it's not always sunny.

Thicker skin

Sometimes I wish I could be a better person, be the bigger person and just let things go. But I can't. I know I'm a little hypocritical, but there are things I just can't get over, let go, or forget. I know I need to develop a thicker skin, but it's just harder than it seems. I know it's not gonna grow overnight, but I wish I could just miraculously not care what people think about me. There are always going to be people who like you and people who won't, but I still hate it when people dislike me or whatever. It still stings to be called a bitch seriously, without all the jokes and playful common banter.
It's getting close enough to my birthday that my family's starting to ask what I want. It's too bad that I can't just wish for a thicker skin so I won't care what people think. It would've been the perfect gift.

It's a Small World After All

It never stops surprising me when I realize how small the world is and how it seems like everyone somehow knows each other. In one way, it's pretty neat, and in another way, almost borders on creepy.
Sometimes I wish I didn't go to Boulder and that I could've started fresh somewhere else, but I also think it was nice to stay. I'm a sucker for the status quo a lot of the times, and I'm not so good with meeting new people. I've decided that I must be unmemorable, because a lot of the times, people can never quite seem to remember my name, although it could just be that they always seem to be slightly drunk when I'm introducing myself.
It's not a big deal that people I meet seem to know half of my friends, even people from high school, it's just slightly shocking. And kind of makes me realize how old we all really are, since high school is edging further and further away from our present college life. I mean, we're over halfway done with college already. When did that happen?

The Reasons

In high school, we always learned that there were at least two sides to every story a la TOK. But sometimes, I feel like despite how each person sees things, there should be statements they have in common, things that really happened and are not subject to opinion. I also think that there is almost always a reason for everything. There is a reason why people act the way they do, say or don't say the things they say. And to just assume something about a person based just off their words or actions without taking the time to maybe see why she said it or did it is wrong. Everyone does it, myself included, but maybe it's time to slow things down.

Infinite Ways

What's always interesting to me is how one meeting can be viewed an infinite amount of different ways. To one person it may be a small argument, to the other, a huge blowout. A kiss on the cheek could show promise for the future from one side, while from the other it can be viewed as a casual goodbye to someone just met.
But what I've come to realize is that the only reality, the main interpretation is the one that I see, because I have to live with it every day. And I'm not so rigid that I won't change my view if it needs to be tweaked. I'm tired of having to explain and defend myself when someone sees me as a completely different person from who I am. Maybe that's what people mean about people on the same wavelength, seeing eye to eye. I think that could potentially save a lot of arguments. Not that differences in opinion are bad, but just continuous ones, I guess.
I want to not have to defend myself for being told that I'm something I'm not, not have to apologize for things I haven't done or said. And if I want to think something could happen out of a casual kiss on the cheek, then I think I deserve to.

Little ghosts

For some weird reason, our Xbox kept mysteriously turning on yesterday. It was a bit creepy to walk down the hallway and hear the whirring and the green glow of the power button of the machine all the time. I had to unplug it, it was becoming so often. I tried to watch it for a while, but it never turned on while I was there. We must have a ghost in that room or something.

The windows of my new Bear Creek apartment are broken, and with the wind howling this afternoon, it made weird noises in my place, along with the shades in my room banging around because I couldn't quite shut my window. I had to move my desk aside and slam the stupid thing shut it was getting so annoying. Although the bar stools in this room are cooler than last year's, I have to say I significantly enjoy my last year's room more. The lights are brighter and the room didn't come with things broken. But still, it's nice and big and all my own, even if it is a bit lonely. I just hope this place has no ghosts to turn things on when I'm not looking.

Simply Magnificent

Last night I watched the sunset from the light rail. It was nice to see it with the stunning Denver skyline and mountains, instead of only seeing the clouds purple peeking out from all the rooftops. It was simply magnificent, it made me wish I had a photographic memory or something to capture it, since I figured my phone would definitely not do it justice, since the camera pretty much sucks, and the reflection from the window would make it look like one big glare I bet.

Lately I've been trying to relax a little more and not think/worry so much about things that are out of my control. As Irene says, I have to try and only worry/care 60% of what I usually do. It's a bit hard for me, especially when I resume MCAT studying and realize how much freaking info I don't know. Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, reading and music help the most. Linkin Park's new CD, or I guess not really new but latest one anyways, is quite soothing, in a sort of depressing manner. But it's not quite as screaming cuss words as loud as possible as their other ones. Leave Out All the Rest is my favorite, and there's a lot of times when I feel exactly like the lyrics. That is one awesome CD, if you ask me.

I head out in a little less than two weeks, and part of me is so excited to get out of here and back on my own, although I know the rest of me would rather stay here, away from all that schooling. I want to just sit in bed and read all day. I've been addicted to Jim Butcher books lately. All that sci fi and fantasy, can't help it.
If my one-year-ago self looked at me now, sitting at home all day studying the MCAT and reading Jim Butcher books and basically being uber lazy, I think the old me would've died laughing.

Open Door

There was an open door between us
Once upon a time
For easy talking
Easy viewing
We went back and forth a lot
In lots of different ways

It was always open
You wanted it open
And then you closed it
Out of the blue
You didn’t just shut the door
You slammed it
And locked it behind you
The funny thing is
You were the one
Who wanted it open in the first place.

Ping Pong

Table tennis is slowly and grudgingly becoming that weekly Friday night habit. The Chinese sport, haha. I have no idea how four girls around a large green table can cause insane hyperness, but somehow it does. I've been unearthing my witch laugh again. Last week it was enough to reignite a fire log. This week, make my friends laugh so hard they missed the ping pong ball.

It's made me realize how much I love chilling with friends. Like once a week I can crawl out of that hermit shell for a few hours. But it's also made me realize how much I've been abandoning others. Leaving behind one group for another. It sucks, but sort of inevitable, I guess. Like entropy. Maybe I need to put in a little energy to change that.

Grrr BCH

After applying again for Boulder Community Hospital for like the third time I still can't get in. Why? Because of a damn computer glitch that caused them to not get my application for like a month. So not my fault. Screw you, BCH.
But I'm not so mad really. Breathe in, breathe out. Focus on trying to get that one last job opportunity. Crossing fingers really really hard! I'm starting to climb up again after falling a bit. It's a nice feeling.

Repairing

I don't think I've felt this good in almost two months. I actually feel really genuinely happy for the first time in a while. Not just happy...more like...whole, I guess. It's a nice nice feeling. I'm trying to focus on the positive, not wallow in self-pity, and look forward to the rest of summer. I can't believe I'm a month into summer already. I feel like I sorta wasted it, but I'm not going to waste the rest. Maybe this time I'll actually do more of the things I wanted to. Go to Elitch's for the first time in like 7 or 8 years, maybe see another concert and not get totally lost on the way this time, try to keep more in touch with friends this time around, and maybe study a bit for hte MCAT. There's always so much I want to do, but somehow I always end up being lazy and never get much of it done.

I've spent too much time being angry this year, angry and disappointed. Time to fix it. I'm ready to talk now. And listen.

Europe tomorrow. I wish I could say I was excited, but I just don't feel it yet. Maybe it's just been one too many cruises and the idea of having to dress up for dinner and waking up at 6 every day for 2 weeks is discouraging me from being too happy. But I'm sure I'll be excited once I'm there. I mean it's EUROPE. I've never been anywhere in Europe, well, except for St. Petersburg but that doesn't really count. And it'll be nice to leave here for two weeks and have a good distraction from the mess of everything here.
The idea of having no job and no medical scholars program to fall back on and adjusting to everything isn't very great to look forward to when I come back, but whatever. At least I won't have to do lab work when I take my nursing classes, that's always a definite plus. I have to make a decision about whether or not I want to continue, but I'm leaning towards not continuing with it. The time commitment is seriously depressing me. But I have two months of contemplating to figure out what I want to do with everything. Including lab work. And making sure medicine is what I want to do. And how to deal with being single again. At least I've got 2 long plane trips to start seriously thinking about it all.

Ever growing ailments

So I guess now I can add TB scare to my ever growing list of ailments, especially within the past 6 months. Had to have a TB test for my annoying Nurse Aide class, and of course there hadto be controversy over it. My doctor and a nurse thought it was negative and the PA thought it was positive. So then i had to get a chest X-ray and need another skin test when I get back from Europe :( Add this to a possible thyroid problem and mysterious fainting and foot pain/cramping and tailbone inflammation and voila, all my mysterious maladies from the past semester. Ick. All I can say is, I hope my bloodwork comes out normal this time, although having a thyroid problem might not be such a bad thing, seeing as how then I'd probably be able to gain some weight.

The 4.0

I think people have this miraculous idea that all you need in life is a good GPA. This belief probably makes the list of top incorrect notions of all time. Cuz seriously, I think I'm sadly living proof that this is sooo not true. So fuck it. It hasn't done anything for me except gotten me some disbelief stares. And stressed me out so much that I open my piehole without thinking. And not really helped me achieve my dreams or whatever. So might as well relax a bit next year, right? Hasn't really done much anyways, and then maybe I can do more things like clubs and volunteering and stuff. Although what would also help with this is a car, too.

Whoosh

It hit me last night, like a big whoosh of realization. Watching the Holiday yesterday after ochem was weird but fun, seeing as how I haven't seen it with a group of friends since the first time I saw it. And, unfortunately, some of the things in the movie hit home right away, and not just from my present. I feel very lonely. I'm going to feel lonely. But you gotta do what you gotta do. And there's always hope and the happy idea of summer in less than a week. :)

Just Another Manic Monday

It's the last week of classes and my first final starts Saturday. And it's ochem, naturally. But today was just the craziest day I've had in a while. And perhaps the breath of fresh air I've needed. In under 24 hours, I've been so sick from something (spoiled milk maybe? I don't know) that I fainted in my bathroom at three in the morning, saw Harold and Kumar, had my first taste of white wine mixed with sprite in the movie, and scaled a wire fence.
I have to say, seeing a movie on a school night was something kind of refreshing. I guess I'm such a nerd that that kind of thing never really struck me as appealing. But the movie was funny, and the poem at the end is hilarious. I've decided that I am going to recite it to the first cute guy I see. Just kidding. The wine was strong, even mixed with Sprite, and I must say I think it tastes kind of weird. And scaling a fence is actually easier than I thought. Except it was also higher than I thought, and my landing I would say was probably less than graceful, especially with my scream.
I would have to say my fainting was also probably less than graceful too, although I'm not positive. It was possibly one of the scariest moments of my life. It was so weird, I felt sooo sick for like 15 minutes, and then I was fine. But it's times like these where I feel especially lonely and wish I had roommates, cuz I had no idea what to do, like if I should call someone or just wait it out. I even had some emo thoughts about how I was gonna die and no one would find my body or know where I was since I had no roommates and stuff. I know, very stupid and weird, but I guess I was sort of panicking. And I must say, this early morning for the first time I was glad to have a handicap room, because the metal rods everywhere on the bathroom walls by the toilet is what actually woke me up I think. But I don't think I was out for long, anyways.
I can't believe just these few experiences have probably been the highlight of the month. But I guess it's just been that kind of month: long, hard, and boring. And today's just another manic Monday.

Rollercoaster

It was supposed to be warm and sunny today. And yet, the wind and all made it pretty chilly. Darn. Wasn't such a fun day, with grades being posted (screw ochem) and officer elections and more tests this week and finals in two weeks, eek. It's nice to be near the end but scary at the same time.
It's been such a roller-coaster-type day, very up and down. It just makes me feel weird, like I should be happier, or be sadder. I'm trying to walk down the middle road, and it seems to kind of be working out well, not really sure.
Can the weekend come already? I needs a good long break again.

It's so weird feeling to me right now. I just finished two intense intense weeks of school, and now, I don't know what to do with myself. I still have a lot of studying for macro right now, but I'm just waay too lazy to do so right now. I wanna walk around in the warm sunshine for the first time in weeks in my sundress.

My view that it is impossible to be unhappy when the sun is out and it's a nice day has now been proven wrong. But oh well. I hope I'm far away from home as possible when it hits 4:20.

Shaking off the Cobwebs

It's already been two days and I'm still completely sore from Sunday's soccer game. It's been a good four solid years since I've touched a soccer ball or done any serious running, so I kind of knew I was in for this, but still...being this sore is no fun. I feel like an old old lady; I can't even walk straight. Yesterday I think every muscle in my body ached: my chest, the front and back of both my upper and lower legs, my stomach/abs, my butt... I feel quite pathetic, especially since I didn't really do all that much running and my contribution was pretty much nothing to my team.
One guy said it best, although he was talking more about himself, that it's all about shaking off the cobwebs, but he is shaking off a year. I'm shaking off four. Without cleats, which I didn't realize were so important. I was the only one without cleats on the field, and I was slipping around everywhere. I felt like such a newbie.
I always wanted to play coed intramural soccer, so I guess I definitely got what I wanted, though maybe not quite what I expected. Definitely very very different from girls soccer and PE. Once I get over all this pathetic soreness I'll dig around for my old soccer cleats and start shaking off all the cobwebs.

Planting Trees

I'm contemplating planting some trees. Especially since they're so good for the environment, you know. Plus, my dad totally hacked off some of the branches from the tree outside my window at home. And almost fell off the roof doing so. Again, right outside my window. Talk about heart attacks all around. Poor dad. Poor tree.

We all laugh when we talk about planting trees. And setting up scarecrows in our forest. And the type of trees to plant. I'd laugh if anything we tried to grow actually sprouted.

I hate waiting for the phone to ring. And expectations and hopes being let down. The sun was shining today but it was deceptively quite cold. I used to judge the weather and dress myself by looking at whether or not the sun was out. I guess it's time to grow up and in more than one way. I think having personal time helps out with that. All week I've been doing things for my research, for my applications, for my friends, but nothing for me. Nothing that I wanted to do,until I spent some time with myself today. It was nice. I guess I'm not as bad company as I thought.

Wordplay

The poetry writing's coming back. But I'm still a little rusty. Really rusty to be honest. And all that's coming out is totally emo, damnit. The words only come out when I get frustrated. Must work on that.

Flexible Fantasy

I was shadowing a radiologist today, and I don't know why I was thinking about it while staring at incomprehensible black and white blobs, but i was thinking about dreams. You know how everyone dreams of Prince Charming and the all that? Nobody ever gets their perfect ideal person, but when do you hold fast to your dreams and when should you be flexible? Reality is always better than the dream, but sometimes I feel like you shouldn't compromise on what you want. If anyone told me I shouldn't be a doctor, I'd be the first to go out and prove them wrong, like that damn valedictorian woman. But should it always be that way?

Snowflakes and Sunshine

It actually snowed here Saturday night. And I'm writing about it now, cuz I've been waay to lazy and busy to do it until now. I was pretty cold, being in, of course, sandals and a light jacket since it was actually really nice when I left the house. And I mean, who goes shopping for 9 hours, really? Besides my crazy family, I guess. My sister takes Forever in the changing rooms. But anyways, it was so pretty seeing the snowflakes land on the car window. It reminds me of when I was little, and I had this book about snow and snowflakes. I'd read it all the time. People always say that no two snowflakes are alike, but you know, I read this thing once a few years back that said that there actually have been two snowflakes found that are identical. Interesting, no?

But now that all the snow is melted and it's like 60 degrees outside, I'm much happier. It's not supposed to snow when it's springtime. And I much prefer t-shirt weather and skirt weather and all of it, except that sunshine sort of makes me lazy. And sleepy. But I love it all the same. I think it's almost impossible to be sad when it's such a nice day out. Now if only the trees would start to bud. That would make me really happy :)

In a way sometimes I think that not having much work to do can be almost as bad as having too much. I've become afflicted with an acute case of laziness. I have physics due tomorrow, but I'm almost finished and I just can't will myself to completely get it done, on account of not immediately knowing how to do it. I feel like just ditching work and classes and sleep. And sort out what I want to do. I'm not sure the whole doctor thing fits me anymore.
I'm always torn about what to do about so many things. I wish I could just split myself in two, and have one part of me live one way, and say everything I want to, and then the other part live the other way, and keep quiet so that I could see what's best. Too bad I'm not a mutant, even though it's Halloween.

Rainy Days

It's all dark and rainy outside. It's been that way almost all weekend, unfortunately. Makes me wanna just curl up inside, nice and cozy, with all the lights on and just read a book, or sleep, or write with some nice hot chocolate. It makes me not wanna do my insane load of homework too, but I think that's more of me blaming the weather, since I never do my work. Somewhere along the way, I've lost my insane drive to get all my work done early. I used to be so productive in high school and last year. I don't know what happened, lol.

I was browsing the CU bookstore a lot last week during my work breaks, and I was looking at all the journals they have there. They've got some real nice ones, some with covers that look like stained glass and stuff, and some are really small that are nice to stick in ur pocket for random moments. I don't know why, but I love journals, yet I'm so lazy to write in them. I need a spark of motivation to start writing again.

Just a Little Late

I can't believe how unbelieveably cold, wet, and rainy it was yesterday. My bedroom window, the one that half faces a brick wall, was stuck ever since I tried to open it to let the smoke out that set off the smoke alarm the one time I cooked dinner. The fraction of space between the window and frame was seriously letting in some freaking cold air while I was trying to study yesterday afternoon, as if I wasn't already distracted enough with everything else.
By the time I got Tsai to help me shut my window, it was like 10:30, after all the rain and cold. A little bit late, but I guess it'll be good for the next time the cold weather comes.

I think I've got bad luck with weather. This is the second time I've been drenched, although nothing beats the first time this summer, when I looked like I took a shower in my clothes, complete with sneakers full of cold water. This time I was fully prepared, and decked out in boots and a jacket, but I still got soaked running to the bus. And in a way it was kinda amusing, since right after I got on the bus, it was still raining, but not hailing and not as hard as it was when I was running for it. What a way to welcome autumn :)

Lei finally brought an umbrella, after it stopped raining, naturally. And now that she's gotten it, I wonder if it's going to continue pouring like it has been this year. It's always one of those things, you know, where once you get something u need to brave the weather, that weather just stops and you're too late.

I've been a little late with a lot of things like that, lately. Like thinking up good things to say to defend myself, saying just the right thing to a friend to make herself feel better, finding the right answer to a physics clicker question. Too bad debate didn't make me think faster on my feet, lol.

"My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with
me.
Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.
What are you thinking of? What thinking?
What?
I never know what you are thinking. Think."
~T.S. Eliot, the Wasteland

Great Expectations

I feel like everytime I look forward to something, a Friday night, looking good for something, or, more likely, someone, it always backfires somehow. Or when I hope that I get out of class or work early, it always feels like time is DRAGGING, or I'm at work twice as long as I expected to be.
Like today. I thought I'd be out of work in an hour and a half at the latest. Wrong. I was there three freaking hours, isolating DNA out of 18 freaking e.coli. Why did I take this job again? Why am I not getting paid? Grr.
I was expecting this year to be different for sure, but definitely not in the way that it is now. I haven't seen half the friends I made last year, and I feel like I've already ran into my first big hill to climb. And I feel like although it's not that big, it's pretty f-ing slippery and I'm kinda falling down it a lot. Or stumbling over rocks that have just spontaneously popped up. And the worse thing about it? It's only been two weeks. I'm not supposed to feel this way until the first midterms hit.
No more cakewalk classes for me anymore :( Even physics I'm kinda struggling through. Even band, I'm having to push really hard to practice even fifteen minutes every other day.
Sometimes I feel kinda like Pip. Except he sorta became an ass for a while there. Wonder if I'm the same way.

Sacrifices

Yesterday as my dad was driving me home for labor day weekend, we had a nice long conversation about life, as always. But this time it wasn't so much of a lecture but an actual conversation. It started out with me complaining, actually. About how some people can get things so easy, things that I've had to bust my ass for. Like jobs. And money. I know so many people who have connections through their parents and other friends. They get higher paying jobs than me from their parents and connections. They don't have to search for a job, it's all lined up for them. Or they get these research jobs through their connections. It took me months to find my position. Same thing with some classes. Though, granted, sometimes I'm lucky with those too. But I mean, classes have always been a bit unfair, what with 20 sections of the same class, all taught by different teachers with different teaching methods. Someone's always gonna have a much easier class than you, and you have an easier class than someone else. I was talking about all this to my dad because I guess I was jealous, of all the people who've had lots of things just handed to them, of all the people who just don't see how great and easier parts of their lives are, and my dad told me why it'd all be worth it in the end. He said that I had to make this sacrifice and work hard for my children, so that I could make the connections that would set my children up in the way that I knew lots of people were set up.
It made me stop feeling jealous and self-centered, and think about all the sacrifices my parents and grandparents made, like my grandfather. I'm sort of ashamed, because until Friday, I actually didn't know much about my grandfather. He died when I was three, and I barely remember him at all, just little flashes, like freeze frames of a movie. When my dad was still in Hong Kong, my grandfather didn't actually have to work, because they got enough money renting out a house. According to my dad, he just went to dim sum a lot, and was happy doing so. But he made the sacrifice of moving to Canada for his family, even though he would've rather not worked and stuff. Apparently, me, my sister, and my dad are all just like my grandfather, since none of us really like having to build connections and beg for jobs.
It also made me think of my mom, because she didn't use to work either. And after her operation, she really didn't want to start working again. But I know that she did to get me and Tiff into college. And it's why we're here, in the States. Even though we moved here because my dad's job moved down here, I'm pretty sure my parents would've been just happy with staying in Calgary, but they always dreamed of me and my sister going to a big college in America. And so we moved.
Our talk made me realize that I just need to suck it up and study hard to make that big sacrifice my dad was reminding me about. I hope it's worth it. I think it will be.

Lost

So although I should really be reading Ulysses, I can't focus much on it. The view from my window, although most of it is really a black oblivion of a brick wall, is actually quite nice. I ccan see the nice open area between building A and B of Bear Creek. It's kind of weird though, with my desk lamp on, because it's acting as a very good mirror, which kind of creeps me out a little.

It's very weird to be back as a sophomore, and I still feel a little lost. Not getting lost around campus like last year, but a little lost inside myself, I guess. I never was very good at adapting, it always took me a while to let things sink in. I was so overwhelmed today, what with the usual parental yelling and associated crying last night about how I should be studying all the time and not socializing, or 'doing sex' or, the lastest, cooking and cleaning my apartment. Plus I almost had the scare of having to give a lab presentation Thursday which I found out was supposed to be like a 30 minute thing and I actually need to prepare slides and shit for, but now, things are good. Presentation postponed, homework and reading done, now I'm just trying to get ahead in English cuz Ulysses is over 600 freaking pages, and I need to finish it for next Friday apparently. But I'm getting back into the studying thing, although I know things will drastically pick up next week, with the research work starting up again, and all the homework starting.
Time always seems to move so slow at the beginning of each semester, but then towards the end and come midterms, seems to move so fast. I'm kind of hoping it'll be the same this year.
It's just weird this year, having to wait to take the bus to classes, meaning I have to leave earlier now, and having to clean and cook. I have to watch who I hang out with, and who I don't. It's just hard to rebalance everything again, now with a few extra additions to my plate. Not that I don't want the new things. It's just different.
Today when Lei, Jessica and I were out at Target, these weird creepy middle-aged white guys turned around and said that we were beautiful, and kept turning to look at us as we were in the parking lot. It was soo odd. I guess I'm not used to that kind of thing. It's just weird, that it's always old people who say that to younger girls, but never guys our own age. Why is that?

Shuffle

I've said this before, but I think that putting your ipod on shuffle sometimes is just what you need to wake you up. Yesterday afternoon I had some mellow Celtic woman song immediately followed by Usher's Yeah. I like the randomness of it all. ANd it makes me appreciate the music I've forgotten.
It makes me think of why I put those songs on my ipod. And helps remember bits of who I am, and who I was back then when I first got my mini. I mean, I've always thought I haven't changed much. In looks or in personality. But when I was looking at my school IDs yesterday, I realized that somewhere between middle school and high school I actually seem like my looks changed a lot. From a kid to an actual teenager. And even in high school, and now, I've still got the same face, the same pointed chin and the same un-Asian eyes, but somehow I've changed slightly every year. And I guess that's true for my personality too. I've been shuffling the cards slightly every once in a while. I've kept my framework but I think I'm a better person now. Or at least happier. But I think what it really is is that I've finally become mature enough to laugh at myself. Which I do a lot now, cuz I say and do the weirdest things a lot. I'm happy to say that maybe I've finally dealt myself the right cards

Can you get dehydrated by crying too much? Just a thought.

A Little Parisian Romance

I went to this little Parisian restaurant for dinner today in Larimer Square, Bistro Vendome. It was nice, and had an outdoor terrace part and an inside and this part in between two buildings that was decorated to look like you were eating outside in a Parisian street. There was also this fountain with lots of flowers nearby. The titles of the dishes were in French, and they poured water out of wine bottles. I think my sister put it best, it was a restaurant with an intimate setting. I've always thought myself to not be someone who goes for the romantic kind of things, I'm always gagging whenever I see lots of PDA or people making out incessantly in movies and in public, but something about the Parisian restaurant setting made me feel differently. It brought me around to thinking that a little old-fashioned romance might be nice

The Good Person Test

There must be something about me that screams come try and convert me to a Christian, because that's what I've been getting a lot. I've been approached twice by the Annex, a Christian group from Fort Collins, and once by this international survey people, talking about Christianity. I've never really been a religious person either, which makes it all the more odd to me. Maybe I just look easily convincible or something since I always seem so unsure or something, I don't know. I just know I get approached a lot. And now I've got a small bible in my backpack. Just what I always needed, I know.
I had to take this good person test. And I had originally determined that I was a sinner, since I have lied and 'committed adultery in my heart' before, but if I 'confessed my sins and believed in Jesus that I could apparently be saved and go to heaven'. And then apparently in the guy's example I turned my back on God because I said that I would suffer my punishment if I did something bad. Oh well, so I'm a weird person.
But honestly, I thought this good person test was not very accurate. I mean, a good person definition is so arbitrary. And just because someone is a liar doesn't mean they're a bad person, especially since lies can be for good intentions. I wonder if there was a good person test for real, how many people would actually pass. I wonder if I would pass.

Hearing and listening

So I was reading this cheesy book again recently, one of the Meg Cabot teen sappy my-life-sucks-but-then-becomes-really-awesome-because-I-found-romance books. And it had something about the difference between hearing and listening and stuff like that. I was thinking about it, and you know, maybe there's some truth to that. I mean, there's lots of times when I'm listening to my parents and stuff, and it's all in one ear and out the other. How many times does it take for someone to actually really listen to what you say? To not just hear a 'no thanks' but to actually listen to it? Or to actually listen to your problems and not just hear them all and give an occasional head nod and 'uh huh' just to sound like you're paying attention when you're not.

It was also weird to think about, cuz I had to fill out this survey for my sister, about whether or not she listens to people's conversations and stuff like that. And I mean I would think that out of all people, I would know her the best, but that thing was actually surprisingly hard to do. I don't know whether or not she tunes people out and stuff. And it made me realize that I don't know who knows me best, either. I don't know who's been hearing, and who's been listening.

I do know, however, after the Hall of LIfe yesterday, how sounds are processed by the ear, regardless of whether you are listening, or just hearing :) I've decided that the Hall of Life, though probably geared towards younger kids, is just as fun if you haven't been there in ages. Plus, their little height/weight recording thing seems to think that I'm taller than I am. And heavier too :) Who wouldathunk that I'd almost weigh 100lbs. Almost.

What makes a person who they are? I wish I took psychology so then I could psychoanalyze myself. I think it'd be quite interesting. I want to figure out why I am so up and down all the time. Then I could put the brakes on my roller coaster.
I wish it would rain. But not a torrential downpour like it's been lately, just a light sprinkle. To match my mood. I've decided that there's nothing like sitting with a warm drink at night listening to the rain to get the brain thinking. Now that it's officially summer I can't force my brain to think unless I get in the right mood. If I'm not, then I just avoid things and they just build and build again, like they used to.
I miss everyone. I miss everyone and yet I don't think I'd know what to say to everyone once I see them. What a dilemma ;)

Inexplainable Thoughts

I think cold medicine makes me weird, very emotional and hyper. Almost like other like other times this semester.
I'm so relieved that school is over. But I'm even more relieved that although I never found that balance, I was still able to please my parents with decent grades and please myself by having a little more fun. Must work on more of a balance though, but I think that has to come with figuring out myself a little better. But that's for the two weeks I have before work starts: figuring out myself. I still haven't figured out what I want yet, even though I have decided what I want to do for the summer:
scrapbooking
clubbing
Elitch's
sleeping
reading
watching the movies i never got around to watching before
and of course catching up with everyone.
I feel so guilty that I haven't really been keeping in touch with everyone. I'm so bad with that, and then I feel as though I'm not sure what parts of my life to open up and what parts to keep hidden away. And I have a bunch of feelings and thoughts that I don't even think I could possibly put down into words. Do you ever feel like that? Like there are thoughts and emotions that just can't be expressed, only felt. I feel as though the power behind them would be lost by trying to explain them somehow. And the fact that I can't capture them almost scares me because I won't be able to remember it later on. I don't want them to fade away, like how things disappear in my mind right before I go to sleep, or right before I wake up. If I could explain my thoughts then maybe I'd be able to figure out what they all mean.

Random Thoughts

Hmmm, I'm very moody, up and down up and down :) Why is it always so hard to focus when we have beautiful weather outside? I just want to sit outside all day long and play. And therefore I'm already breaking my resolution to stop being stupid and start studying hard.
It's time to follow everyone's advice and start doing the things that are better for me, and let go of the troublemakers.

A Plethora of Stupid Things

Sometimes change isn't always for the better. I think I've changed too much this past semester. I've had a lot more fun than first semester, met some awesome people, and I'm totally loving the college experience.
But I think I swung too much the other way. I lost that 'good girl' image in my head, and I don't know who I am without it. Here I am frowning at people who don't seem to care a lot about their schoolwork and just party instead, and then I kinda go and do the same thing.
I should have studied yesterday, and not hung out. With anybody. Maybe it's time to revert back into my hiding place of last semester, and not do so many stupid things. With a lot of fun comes a lot of awkward moments. I'm not sure I regret all of it, just a little of it. But I think for the last week and a half, I need to change my ways, and change who I've become.

Hyperspeed

Do you ever feel like sometimes the world is moving too fast around you and you can't keep up? I don't know what's happened, like I missed a huge chunk of my life of something. Like I'm glued down to the floor, just cemented there. I'm a spectator and nothing helps. I've determined that tylenol is one of those guesswork objects. When it helps, I can't help but wonder if the tylenol really worked, or if my malady just went away on its own. But I'm a trusting gal, i think. Maybe it really did help my monstrous stomachache tonight. If tylenol could slow everything down, then it'd truly be a wonder pill. But until then, can someone lend my a hammer, or maybe a chisel, so I can hack away at the cement that's glued my feet to the sidewalk?

Growing up

After surviving one semester of college, I realized how it really was a form of survival for me. I wasn't very bright when I picked my courses. It was kinda weird, since the classes that I thought would be easy were hard, and the classes I thought would be hard were easy.
At first thought, college sucked. I think it kinda messed me up in the following ways:
flute playing, which totally went down the drain :(
origami folding
sleeping...i turned into one of those people who'd fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon a lot
my sanity... i starting laughing in the middle of my bio final. at freaking 7:30 in the morning. because i had no clue what i was doing. i dont know what i was thinking. and im surprised i didnt get in trouble.

But, then (actually just now), I realized that college was pretty frickin awesome, too:
a handful of good friends
more independence, which i hear is a good thing later on in life. ive always been really dependent on other people, even just for simple things, like asking for stuff before.
happy random moments...lunch conversations, being late to class, laughing with friends, and those random coincidences that make me wonder if it's fate.

What doesnt kill u makes u stronger right? Well, I'm certainly not dead yet, so I guess I'm stronger after 3 and a half months of survival.

I feel as though ive grown two inches :)

Tomorrow Another Day

havent posted in a while...one more thing ive suppressed. I guess this pent up geyser's finally blown the top off me. Life sucks when you don't deal with it. It's one of those things you put off and put off and don't deal with until everything finally catches up with you. I've held things in too long, havent dealt with things since like march, and everything has just built up and added to the pain. But listening to good music late at nite with a coke and just thinking things through have that nice calming effect. I never realized how important it is to sit and think about everything, and be a little selfish for a bit. I've always tried to think of tomorrow as another day, and I have to admit, the past 45 minutes have felt better, maybe because it's a new day, maybe because thinking, coke and music is a good cure for depression, or maybe because things always get bad first before they get better.

1950s Housewife

After watching Mona Lisa Smile, I've realized I would've never made it in the 1950s. And being the sort of depressed guy-hater that I am, this was probably not the best movie for me to watch. But I can't imagine having to pretend to fake smile while knowing that your guy is a cheating liar. I couldn't put up with it. Plus, I'm not really the best cook around, knowing only how to make pasta, chicken, and quesadillas. I would die as a 1950s housewife.
So all in all, I'm a whole lot more appreciative of being brought up in a new decade, new century, new millenium. Where things aren't just about getting married and...cooking. Not that I want to be a lawyer from Yale, like the movie. Honestly, I'm not even sure that I'd make a good doctor. And considering my lovely fainting spell yesterday, maybe my nerves won't be able to handle it either. Well, nerves, or intense pain in a skinny body. But I do love the choices that we have. Maybe I'll be a pharmacologist instead. Anything but a 1950s housewife.

Eh?

Whenever I head back to Toronto, I always lapse back into my odd words and habits. It's all back to pencil crayons and such. And no matter how much I deny that Canadians do not go around saying Eh? all the time, some do, like my aunt. And thus I go around saying eh? at the end of a sad majority of my sentences whenever I'm there. I'll probably have to consciously remind myself to not tack that on at the end for a week until it's no longer a bad habit, like biting nails or something.
I think one of the nicest things about going to Toronto all the time besides seeing my relatives is that Toronto is so big that I feel like I'm seeing new things all the time. I went back to the Royal Ontario Museum again after like 4 years, and it's quite nice, except for the fact that my favorite exhibit, the awesome dinosaur one, was closed for renovation. Grrr... but it was nice to take the trolley car and subway by myself for the first time. Public transportation is so much better up there. And I learned that lacrosse, not hockey surprisingly, is Canada's national sport. Pretty weird,eh? But it's a tribute to the Native American people. If you ask me, they should add hockey, considering that's what everyone believes in Canada's national sport anyway.
But what's not so fun about traveling is all the fun you miss back home. I cant believe i missed dragonboat racing. :( And I gots to be reading all my college mail, and practice for my dang audition. I was very happy to find that I got a single room with a bath, though. Makes me more excited for the end of August.

It's Like Riding a Bicycle...

...you never forget. And it's true, I guess. After like 7 years I finally got on a bike again. My sister's bike, actually. And it was quite an experience. I couldn't adjust my bike, much to my anger and frustration. I need some sort of hexagonal shaped screwdriver. I tried a bunch of different things. One hexagonal one was too small. The other was too big. A hexagonal screw head didn't fit either. Erg. So I adjusted my sister's bike, but I thought it was still too tall for me. I mean, I can barely put my toes down. And then Ian said it was too low! And I couldn't shift gears with my left hand, making Ian think I was nuts again.
But all in all, it was pretty nice. Well, the middle part anyway, after I finally caught up to Himanshu and Ian, who pretty much left me behind in the dust all the way up until we reached the freaking marina. But we saw 6 deer, some rabbits, a yellow bird, dragonflies, ladybugs, and a whole lot of mosquitos. The deer were the best part, i think. I was having lots of fun, actually, up until I got the freaking flat tire. And then that really sucked, because it totally busted. So Himanshu and I basically walked from the Cherry Creek Reservoir to my house wheeling our bikes. Not so much fun :( That took forever, especially in the heat.

I think the best thing, though, was how kind people are. Some people stopped to see if they could help us as we were walking, offering services and just seeing if we were okay. Just that simple, 'are you guys okay?' really touched my heart. Because it made me realize that there are so many kind and generous, beautiful people in this world. Sometimes, in looking at the world and all the tension, conflict, bombings and wars, it's hard to remember that.

But overall, it was nice to remember that, above all else, it is true that you don't ever forget how to ride a bicycle ;)

The World on Shuffle

I love to listen to my ipod on shuffle. It makes me appreciate songs I forgot I had and listen to songs I doubt I've really heard before. And it's made me realize how much freaking linkin park is on it, for some odd reason. And most of all, I love the randomness of it, a love song played after death metal. Death Cab for Cutie and then Converge and Michael Buble. I've always liked my world neat and orderly. Planned and scheduled. I hated when people sprang their plans on me without at least a day or 6 hours in advance. But I thnk random events, little surprises make life interesting, and those spontaneous moments are what I remember most.
Like trips to visit mainstreet Parker, sipping Italian sodas at Borders, or even playing Gauntlet Legends for hours, even though it's quite a weird game.
I think it's made me think about what I want to do in college. And looking back on high school, I tried a lot of different things. But the thing I think i most regret is the fact that I drop some stuff that I really loved. Track and field in middle school, and soccer after freshman year. Sports, in general. I used to be pretty athletic and a serious runner, and I miss that, I really do. So I've decided that I will do some sort of sport at CU. Maybe not a club sport because I'm too stingy and refuse to pay the insane $125 or whatever fee for soccer, but maybe intramural soccer. Intramural coed soccer even. Or maybe try the intramural ice hockey team, if I ever learn how to skate backwards. With a stick in my hand too. I dont want to stay the complete nerd with only a majority of my trophies coming from math and debating. I want some athletic ones too.
I'm sad to realize that I don't have much more of my summer left, especially with my trip to Toronto coming in the middle of it. Erg. But I've decided that I've been far too serious a person for as long as I can remember. So I'm going to put my world on shuffle, and see what randomness comes up next.

Aaarrrgghh!!!

I'm going to miss rowing this year!!! *Tears*

9 Years and Counting...

It's so weird...I have been here for exactly 9 years. I can't believe it's been so long! It feels like only 6 or 7 years, and half my relatives feel like that too. They were so shocked to hear it's been 9 years. Holy smokes.

What's also weird was the dream I had a couple days ago. It was so freaking scary. It was about some sort of Chinese mafia/gang that was after my family. There were assassins dressed up as nuns shooting at us, we were hiding in trees, trying to escape some Chinese city dressed in other people's clothing and using fake passports...not fun. If all dreams are some sort of subconscious message, I wonder what mine would be.

On Toronto...

So 6 days, 2 dim sums in a row at the same restaurant, 2 family reunion-barbecues, one funeral and one broken watch later, I'm finally back home. It's good to be back, although it's back to being lazy, unfortunately. I think I might try finding a nice place to volunteer since summer's like half gone already. Where did June go? I seem to have lost part of it...
Being back in Toronto and only seeing my dad's side of the family was a bit weird, considering that whenever I go I usually see more of my mom's side than my dad's. And, not to sound like a mean jerk or anything, but I sort of prefer it that way, since some of my aunts and uncles on my dad's side ignore and make fun of me and my sister for not speaking cantonese, and some of my cousins aren't all that nice either. But I saw some people that I haven't seen in a long, long time so that was nice. I felt a bit guilty at first because I couldn't recognize one of my cousins because I hadn't seen him in like 6 years and I couldn't remember if his name was Harold or Edmund. But it was alright, because he simply ignored everyone so I never talked to him.

But the weirdest part of the trip was the realization that my uncle can't count. And thus confused everyone when he said that there were 8 grandchildren in the family. First of all, there are like 15, but even if you just do the lame Chinese counting way of only counting the kids with the lst name of Chow, there are only 7. My Uncle Da claims that he was going to stand up and protest that 8 grandchildren was wrong, there are only 7, but considering that he can't really count in Chinese, I think he wouldve just confused everyone. And not only that, but according to the uncle giving the eulogy, my grandmother was 84, but if you do simple subtraction from the birth and death dates he gave, technically she's only 82 or 83. I was so lost until my dad reminded me that Chinese people start counting age at 1, so you have to add an extra year on.

At least when I go back to Toronto next month hopefully I'll be able to enjoy things like I usually do.

Friendship

Is it possible to flip out over a favor for a friend? That I haven't known for very long? Aargh! I don't want to investigate any more colleges, even if it's for a friend :( But o well, anything for a friend, even if he still can't get my name spelled correctly, right? Once I decipher the email anyways.

The Healing Process

It's late, so late that it's now the tomorrow I was thinking about a few hours ago. It's only one, but I haven't been up this late in a while, doing nothing but thinking, but it's doing me some good. At least I'd like to think so. Perhaps i'm finally healing.

Two and a half hours later,I'm finally able to breathe normally. My nose is not so plugged up anymore so that I don't need to breathe through my mouth with loud sighs. I had no idea that I might be allergic to cats. Lesson learned. And maybe one I will actually remember, no less.

I just finished reading The Truth About Forever, just to see what the hype was. I think it's going on my list of healing books. True, it's got that sappy romance bit to it, but it's good in the sense that I can relate to parts of it, and that's what makes any book good. And it's gonna help me sew up parts of myself that have been coming undone. It's given me that feel good feeling, and also that feeling like I need to do something to fix my life so that I don't go through the same motions that I just read about. Like it's time to break down a wall. That, and letting loose to someone on a sidewalk late at night for half an hour have done me loads and loads of good. I was reading my finished journal recently, and i realized just how miserable I was freshman year. How I never let loose to anyone back then. I have no freaking clue how I survived. Not a healthy thing to do anymore. Just talking, venting, sharing stories and guessing at how to help each other has made me realize how lucky I am to have people to let it all out to. Sure, I've got one of those deep panicky feelings growing, looking at what I need to do tomorrow..er, today, but I know eventually it'll all be better. Taking one step backward to take two steps forward. I know I'm probably going to hurt before I feel better again. But I know that this is just one of life's little lessons. Because I didn't learn it the first time. I think this is my reminder to never forget, since it's much harder the second time around. But this time i think i've got it right. Hopefully.

I've been listening to Panic! At the Disco's "I write sins, not tragedies", and I keep thinking about the part that goes something about closing the God damn doorknob, and for some reason it keeps sticking with me. I think this year I've reopened a door that I should've kept closed one too many times, and another time someone else opened it. But I think this time, I've closed it for sure. Cemented it shut, really. I really messed it up before, but I think I've gotten my priorities and my feelings all straightened out. And man, it's a huge load off.

It's kind of weird how fast feelings change, about stuff. Like when you discover that you don't like something you used to love, and you wonder when that happened. Or when you realized that people you were friends with long ago have become simply 'acquaintances' or simply someone u used to know. Even with my clothes. I was at Old Navy today, and I bought a skirt. A mini skirt, too, no less. And tonight, after walking in my door at 10:30, I was wondering why I had bought it. To impress people? To look 'cute'? Why? I mean, i don't think I've ever possessed a jean skirt, or a skirt that goes above my knees. And honestly, I have no idea why I wanted such a radical change from my usual jeans.

I think the big thing, the main thing behind it all, was that this summer didn't start the way i had wanted it to. Kind of like in Truth About Forever, I think I wanted things to start out perfect, even though perfect is unachievable. But spending half the night during the grad party looking at the stars,and reading books and watching good movies and doing nothing but talking, venting, thinking has really opened my eyes. And I'm not going to close them again.

My Transition Chapter

It took some doing, but I finally finished my journal that I kept all throughout high school. I think it was sort of fitting that I ran out of room and ended my last page with graduation, kind of like I closed that chapter of my life. I read part of it last night, and I have to admit, parts of it were so hilarious because I'm glad to think that I've matured greatly since freshman year. Not to say that I'm not an idiot anymore, because sometimes I am. And always will be. Just a lot less so.
I'm thinking of looking at summer as my transition, the bridge chapter of my life. Unfortunately, it hasn't exactly started as well as I had liked, but hey, it's only the beginning, right? I've felt left out of the loop for so long, I want to focus on getting back into it. I can't go off to school by myself with ragged friendship bonds, can I? That would just be so depressing. No, I need to make them all nice and tight again. I think my problem has been that I've become very good at self-denial. I've built this wall up around me and it needs to come down. I think I'm too introverted, and while this isn't all that bad, it can be pretty self-destructing. I know it sounds pretty corny and ridiculous, but I think the problem is that I need to really come to terms with myself these two months. And break down that wall. And come to love myself. I don't think I really have, because my self-confidence has been shot this year with all the highs and lows. So this time, I want to focus on the highs. And build up from there. This summer, I want to be happy, and do lots of things I haven't done before. Like learn how to knit and go to a concert.

On a completely random thought, let me just say that Triveni is very very creepy when playing Mortal Kombat. Triv, you are shockingly vicious. ;) What a hilarious afternoon, from learning new fighting moves to being magical archers and jesters throwing bombs and swords and arrows at weird blue farmer zombies. We should do that again :)

One of those days

Today is just one of those days, those unproductive days where I feel like a bum, angry and frustrated. At what, I do not know. I tried to watch one of the movies on my summer list, but I couldn't get through it. Honestly, I don't really know why I borrowed it exactly, seeing as how it's a romance movie. And the book was long, and at times, sort of boring. I think I've got to be in the right sort of mood to watch it. My I'm-so-happy-with-life mood, which, needless to say, I definitely am not in right now. I think I've shifted into a what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-me sort of mood. But I can't put my feelings into words. I have no idea where my frustration is coming from, but I definitely felt really really irked this morning. Maybe because I felt left out as usual, I don't know. But I wish I did. I think I've lost my ability to sort things out. Or maybe, I think I've just put up a wall around myself and I'm in self-denial about things. Because honestly, half the things I think about I really have no idea if they're true or not. And everytime someone asks me a question that should be yes or no, I constantly find myself shifting towards the grey area in a matter that should be black or white.
I have come to the conclusion that this week, though fun and exciting and half over, is going to be sort of nervewracking. Eek! I can't believe we're graduating in TWO days. Holy smokes, guys.

Random Thoughts

All this graduation business got me thinking. Thinking about where I would be if I hadn't made the choices I did, and if, given the chance, I would still make the same choices. It's weird to realize the impact of decision, one action. Last week I was looking up how to find my IB score online and came across the official IBO site, and it listed all the IB schools. And the school I would have gone to, Sir Winston Churchill, was up there too. Given the chance, I'm not sure I would do IB again, but had I stayed up in Calgary, I'm sure I would have done IB. And it was disturbing in a weird sort of way to realize that on the same days and the same time, I would have been taking the exact same tests, but a country away. Well, minus French as my language B, 'cause I doubt that'd be allowed. But you can test in Chinese. It saddens me to realize that I could've come that much closer to my roots. I always wanted to learn Cantonese, and I'm not saying that I won't, but it would've been much easier had I stayed up there. But I'm up to that challenge. Anyways, thinking about that high school up in Calgary made me remember when I was a little kid. It made me start thinking about my friends again. And lo and behold, I found one. My best friend, Paul, who is about to graduate too, from Sir Winston Churchill. But none of my other friends are there. It makes me sad that I don't know where any of them are anymore, that I didn't keep in touch. And it made me wonder what would've happen if I stayed. Would I have the same best friend? Would I have still been the popular (so weird, I know) kid in our grade? One of the smartest people? I don't know. It's interesting but pointless to think about. But it makes me wonder if I should try to get back into touch, even though I'm hopeless at penpals. Though most of these failures aren't really my fault, since I keep writing but no one answers.

Anyways, it's also so weird to realize how old we are. Most, but not all, of us are already adults. My sister is 20. It sounds like such an old, mature, age, and I suppose it does make since, but I really can't see her as that old already. I can't imagine any of us as 17, 18 year olds. Where did all the years go? I honestly can't believe we're graduating in like 5 days. I also can't believe that most of us also do not get to walk in with the rest of our class. It hasn't hit me yet that after this week, we will rarely, if ever, walk into SHHS again. Never do WAC again. I might never play the flute again. It's just weird, the things you miss. I can't believe that I'm missing band...the class everyone's constantly heard me complain about it. But I do. And I miss Mr. K's random comments about life. Because sometimes, especially once, they've come in handy. It sounds stupid, but some have them have kept me alive.

But I think I've gotten enough from Smoky Hill in four year, and I'm ready to move on and move out. Starting college is like having a clean slate, but not quite. It's like starting over, but with more knowledge to keep the good things and erase the bad. It's like a perfect slate with all your good qualities but none of your bad yet. And though it won't stay that way forever, it's nice to know that at least you're starting out that way. I like that. Maybe this time around it won't take me four years to discover myself. Maybe this time I can start out that way and be able to start from where I left off. I know it's completely cliche, but people aren't kidding when they say high school is where you find yourself. But for me, it was so true. I just wish it didn't take me so long to realize my potential. But on the positive, I'm sure glad I did.

I feel like kicking something. Good and hard. Anything. Well, anything except a bucket, of course. Sigh. Years from now when Im a doctor, I'm gonna go and rub it in Wash U's face. I keep playing Bad Day and Better Days. They make me feel so much better.

Breaking through the layers

I think all my energy's dried up. I don't know what's happened to me. I'm too lazy to even write in my journal. I haven't written in it since like December. Not good.
I'm so thankful for my sister. Since she came home yesterday I've been blessfully reminded of why it's so nice to have a sibling, especially an older one. And not just because she can take the load off me washing dishes and washing the rice and petty stuff like that. No, she's always there to talk to, which is good especially now that I've become too lazy to write in my journal. Because I know more than anyone know how dangerous it can be to hold things in. Yesterday we were watching Numbers together and instead of paying attention we just sat there talking and stuff. About everything. Everything and anything. It was such a nice feeling, to crack through a layer of myself and feel fresh again. I miss that, having a sister to talk to whenever. It made me realize that no matter how close you are to home, it's still different. I've realized that staying here for college is still a new experience, cause we're gonna be a whole lot more independent. I'm excited for that, but a bit worried, too. I don't know how to handle that extra responsibility though. But I do think it'll be nice to break out of another layer of my shell. I don't think I do that often enough, and maybe one day I'll hatch out completely as one awesome person. We'll have to see.

Counting the Days

I was listening to one of my favorite songs, Counting the Days, and I realized that I've been counting the days too, but until graduation. Until we're done. 10 school days til we get out of school. 3 weeks til graduation. And that's it. And to be honest, that makes me so excited, but it also scares the heck out of me. Because when I go to college, I'm not going to see my friends, the best friends that saw me through middle and high school. Who were always there for me. I'm scared we're going to drift apart. I'm scared that we've already begun to drift apart, and I don't want that to happen. We always pictured years ago that we'd be friends forever, even to adulthood. But I feel as though I've slowly floated away from our group, and I want to find a way back in. I don't think I've had one of those long chats about what's going on in our lives that used to be so frequent with some people in probably years. I don't want to be out of the loop anymore, and with each day, I feel as though I'm getting more and more disconnected. I don't want to count the days anymore until I find my connection again.

The Smart Choices

Last weekend I stayed up till midnite watching some stupid, predictable romance movie, Celeste in the City. Who has a name like Celeste nowadays anyways? Unless ur in France, of course. But while I was sitting there laughing at how it was just like the typical geek-gets-makeover-and-finds-true-love movie, I realized that there was something to learn there. Well, mainly the typical don't go for the first guy who pays attention to u because he may be a jerk. Which I sorta knew-ish. It was so laughable in such a movie, because it had to be the most obvious thing, and she missed it. But after what was most definitely the most stressful week of my entire life, I've decided that I better start making smarter choices.
Such as being nicer to people and not being a hypocrite. Such as stop hurting my friends by trying to hang on to people I know I shouldnt. Which I should probably do right now.Such as stop STRESSING and acting like an idiot all the time. Which will probably never be possible, but I think any sort of reduction in my pessimistic stressing would be a plus. Sometimes I wonder if I was not myself if I would be friends with me. If I was judging by this week, I would say 'not really.' So let's hope I can turn it around with one relaxing weekend. So to all my friends: so so soooo sorry for being a brat and an awful friend this week.