Little ghosts

For some weird reason, our Xbox kept mysteriously turning on yesterday. It was a bit creepy to walk down the hallway and hear the whirring and the green glow of the power button of the machine all the time. I had to unplug it, it was becoming so often. I tried to watch it for a while, but it never turned on while I was there. We must have a ghost in that room or something.

The windows of my new Bear Creek apartment are broken, and with the wind howling this afternoon, it made weird noises in my place, along with the shades in my room banging around because I couldn't quite shut my window. I had to move my desk aside and slam the stupid thing shut it was getting so annoying. Although the bar stools in this room are cooler than last year's, I have to say I significantly enjoy my last year's room more. The lights are brighter and the room didn't come with things broken. But still, it's nice and big and all my own, even if it is a bit lonely. I just hope this place has no ghosts to turn things on when I'm not looking.

Simply Magnificent

Last night I watched the sunset from the light rail. It was nice to see it with the stunning Denver skyline and mountains, instead of only seeing the clouds purple peeking out from all the rooftops. It was simply magnificent, it made me wish I had a photographic memory or something to capture it, since I figured my phone would definitely not do it justice, since the camera pretty much sucks, and the reflection from the window would make it look like one big glare I bet.

Lately I've been trying to relax a little more and not think/worry so much about things that are out of my control. As Irene says, I have to try and only worry/care 60% of what I usually do. It's a bit hard for me, especially when I resume MCAT studying and realize how much freaking info I don't know. Surprisingly, or not surprisingly, reading and music help the most. Linkin Park's new CD, or I guess not really new but latest one anyways, is quite soothing, in a sort of depressing manner. But it's not quite as screaming cuss words as loud as possible as their other ones. Leave Out All the Rest is my favorite, and there's a lot of times when I feel exactly like the lyrics. That is one awesome CD, if you ask me.

I head out in a little less than two weeks, and part of me is so excited to get out of here and back on my own, although I know the rest of me would rather stay here, away from all that schooling. I want to just sit in bed and read all day. I've been addicted to Jim Butcher books lately. All that sci fi and fantasy, can't help it.
If my one-year-ago self looked at me now, sitting at home all day studying the MCAT and reading Jim Butcher books and basically being uber lazy, I think the old me would've died laughing.

Open Door

There was an open door between us
Once upon a time
For easy talking
Easy viewing
We went back and forth a lot
In lots of different ways

It was always open
You wanted it open
And then you closed it
Out of the blue
You didn’t just shut the door
You slammed it
And locked it behind you
The funny thing is
You were the one
Who wanted it open in the first place.

Ping Pong

Table tennis is slowly and grudgingly becoming that weekly Friday night habit. The Chinese sport, haha. I have no idea how four girls around a large green table can cause insane hyperness, but somehow it does. I've been unearthing my witch laugh again. Last week it was enough to reignite a fire log. This week, make my friends laugh so hard they missed the ping pong ball.

It's made me realize how much I love chilling with friends. Like once a week I can crawl out of that hermit shell for a few hours. But it's also made me realize how much I've been abandoning others. Leaving behind one group for another. It sucks, but sort of inevitable, I guess. Like entropy. Maybe I need to put in a little energy to change that.

Grrr BCH

After applying again for Boulder Community Hospital for like the third time I still can't get in. Why? Because of a damn computer glitch that caused them to not get my application for like a month. So not my fault. Screw you, BCH.
But I'm not so mad really. Breathe in, breathe out. Focus on trying to get that one last job opportunity. Crossing fingers really really hard! I'm starting to climb up again after falling a bit. It's a nice feeling.

Repairing

I don't think I've felt this good in almost two months. I actually feel really genuinely happy for the first time in a while. Not just happy...more like...whole, I guess. It's a nice nice feeling. I'm trying to focus on the positive, not wallow in self-pity, and look forward to the rest of summer. I can't believe I'm a month into summer already. I feel like I sorta wasted it, but I'm not going to waste the rest. Maybe this time I'll actually do more of the things I wanted to. Go to Elitch's for the first time in like 7 or 8 years, maybe see another concert and not get totally lost on the way this time, try to keep more in touch with friends this time around, and maybe study a bit for hte MCAT. There's always so much I want to do, but somehow I always end up being lazy and never get much of it done.

I've spent too much time being angry this year, angry and disappointed. Time to fix it. I'm ready to talk now. And listen.

Europe tomorrow. I wish I could say I was excited, but I just don't feel it yet. Maybe it's just been one too many cruises and the idea of having to dress up for dinner and waking up at 6 every day for 2 weeks is discouraging me from being too happy. But I'm sure I'll be excited once I'm there. I mean it's EUROPE. I've never been anywhere in Europe, well, except for St. Petersburg but that doesn't really count. And it'll be nice to leave here for two weeks and have a good distraction from the mess of everything here.
The idea of having no job and no medical scholars program to fall back on and adjusting to everything isn't very great to look forward to when I come back, but whatever. At least I won't have to do lab work when I take my nursing classes, that's always a definite plus. I have to make a decision about whether or not I want to continue, but I'm leaning towards not continuing with it. The time commitment is seriously depressing me. But I have two months of contemplating to figure out what I want to do with everything. Including lab work. And making sure medicine is what I want to do. And how to deal with being single again. At least I've got 2 long plane trips to start seriously thinking about it all.

Ever growing ailments

So I guess now I can add TB scare to my ever growing list of ailments, especially within the past 6 months. Had to have a TB test for my annoying Nurse Aide class, and of course there hadto be controversy over it. My doctor and a nurse thought it was negative and the PA thought it was positive. So then i had to get a chest X-ray and need another skin test when I get back from Europe :( Add this to a possible thyroid problem and mysterious fainting and foot pain/cramping and tailbone inflammation and voila, all my mysterious maladies from the past semester. Ick. All I can say is, I hope my bloodwork comes out normal this time, although having a thyroid problem might not be such a bad thing, seeing as how then I'd probably be able to gain some weight.

The 4.0

I think people have this miraculous idea that all you need in life is a good GPA. This belief probably makes the list of top incorrect notions of all time. Cuz seriously, I think I'm sadly living proof that this is sooo not true. So fuck it. It hasn't done anything for me except gotten me some disbelief stares. And stressed me out so much that I open my piehole without thinking. And not really helped me achieve my dreams or whatever. So might as well relax a bit next year, right? Hasn't really done much anyways, and then maybe I can do more things like clubs and volunteering and stuff. Although what would also help with this is a car, too.

Whoosh

It hit me last night, like a big whoosh of realization. Watching the Holiday yesterday after ochem was weird but fun, seeing as how I haven't seen it with a group of friends since the first time I saw it. And, unfortunately, some of the things in the movie hit home right away, and not just from my present. I feel very lonely. I'm going to feel lonely. But you gotta do what you gotta do. And there's always hope and the happy idea of summer in less than a week. :)

Just Another Manic Monday

It's the last week of classes and my first final starts Saturday. And it's ochem, naturally. But today was just the craziest day I've had in a while. And perhaps the breath of fresh air I've needed. In under 24 hours, I've been so sick from something (spoiled milk maybe? I don't know) that I fainted in my bathroom at three in the morning, saw Harold and Kumar, had my first taste of white wine mixed with sprite in the movie, and scaled a wire fence.
I have to say, seeing a movie on a school night was something kind of refreshing. I guess I'm such a nerd that that kind of thing never really struck me as appealing. But the movie was funny, and the poem at the end is hilarious. I've decided that I am going to recite it to the first cute guy I see. Just kidding. The wine was strong, even mixed with Sprite, and I must say I think it tastes kind of weird. And scaling a fence is actually easier than I thought. Except it was also higher than I thought, and my landing I would say was probably less than graceful, especially with my scream.
I would have to say my fainting was also probably less than graceful too, although I'm not positive. It was possibly one of the scariest moments of my life. It was so weird, I felt sooo sick for like 15 minutes, and then I was fine. But it's times like these where I feel especially lonely and wish I had roommates, cuz I had no idea what to do, like if I should call someone or just wait it out. I even had some emo thoughts about how I was gonna die and no one would find my body or know where I was since I had no roommates and stuff. I know, very stupid and weird, but I guess I was sort of panicking. And I must say, this early morning for the first time I was glad to have a handicap room, because the metal rods everywhere on the bathroom walls by the toilet is what actually woke me up I think. But I don't think I was out for long, anyways.
I can't believe just these few experiences have probably been the highlight of the month. But I guess it's just been that kind of month: long, hard, and boring. And today's just another manic Monday.

Rollercoaster

It was supposed to be warm and sunny today. And yet, the wind and all made it pretty chilly. Darn. Wasn't such a fun day, with grades being posted (screw ochem) and officer elections and more tests this week and finals in two weeks, eek. It's nice to be near the end but scary at the same time.
It's been such a roller-coaster-type day, very up and down. It just makes me feel weird, like I should be happier, or be sadder. I'm trying to walk down the middle road, and it seems to kind of be working out well, not really sure.
Can the weekend come already? I needs a good long break again.

It's so weird feeling to me right now. I just finished two intense intense weeks of school, and now, I don't know what to do with myself. I still have a lot of studying for macro right now, but I'm just waay too lazy to do so right now. I wanna walk around in the warm sunshine for the first time in weeks in my sundress.

My view that it is impossible to be unhappy when the sun is out and it's a nice day has now been proven wrong. But oh well. I hope I'm far away from home as possible when it hits 4:20.

Shaking off the Cobwebs

It's already been two days and I'm still completely sore from Sunday's soccer game. It's been a good four solid years since I've touched a soccer ball or done any serious running, so I kind of knew I was in for this, but still...being this sore is no fun. I feel like an old old lady; I can't even walk straight. Yesterday I think every muscle in my body ached: my chest, the front and back of both my upper and lower legs, my stomach/abs, my butt... I feel quite pathetic, especially since I didn't really do all that much running and my contribution was pretty much nothing to my team.
One guy said it best, although he was talking more about himself, that it's all about shaking off the cobwebs, but he is shaking off a year. I'm shaking off four. Without cleats, which I didn't realize were so important. I was the only one without cleats on the field, and I was slipping around everywhere. I felt like such a newbie.
I always wanted to play coed intramural soccer, so I guess I definitely got what I wanted, though maybe not quite what I expected. Definitely very very different from girls soccer and PE. Once I get over all this pathetic soreness I'll dig around for my old soccer cleats and start shaking off all the cobwebs.

Planting Trees

I'm contemplating planting some trees. Especially since they're so good for the environment, you know. Plus, my dad totally hacked off some of the branches from the tree outside my window at home. And almost fell off the roof doing so. Again, right outside my window. Talk about heart attacks all around. Poor dad. Poor tree.

We all laugh when we talk about planting trees. And setting up scarecrows in our forest. And the type of trees to plant. I'd laugh if anything we tried to grow actually sprouted.

I hate waiting for the phone to ring. And expectations and hopes being let down. The sun was shining today but it was deceptively quite cold. I used to judge the weather and dress myself by looking at whether or not the sun was out. I guess it's time to grow up and in more than one way. I think having personal time helps out with that. All week I've been doing things for my research, for my applications, for my friends, but nothing for me. Nothing that I wanted to do,until I spent some time with myself today. It was nice. I guess I'm not as bad company as I thought.

Wordplay

The poetry writing's coming back. But I'm still a little rusty. Really rusty to be honest. And all that's coming out is totally emo, damnit. The words only come out when I get frustrated. Must work on that.

Flexible Fantasy

I was shadowing a radiologist today, and I don't know why I was thinking about it while staring at incomprehensible black and white blobs, but i was thinking about dreams. You know how everyone dreams of Prince Charming and the all that? Nobody ever gets their perfect ideal person, but when do you hold fast to your dreams and when should you be flexible? Reality is always better than the dream, but sometimes I feel like you shouldn't compromise on what you want. If anyone told me I shouldn't be a doctor, I'd be the first to go out and prove them wrong, like that damn valedictorian woman. But should it always be that way?

Snowflakes and Sunshine

It actually snowed here Saturday night. And I'm writing about it now, cuz I've been waay to lazy and busy to do it until now. I was pretty cold, being in, of course, sandals and a light jacket since it was actually really nice when I left the house. And I mean, who goes shopping for 9 hours, really? Besides my crazy family, I guess. My sister takes Forever in the changing rooms. But anyways, it was so pretty seeing the snowflakes land on the car window. It reminds me of when I was little, and I had this book about snow and snowflakes. I'd read it all the time. People always say that no two snowflakes are alike, but you know, I read this thing once a few years back that said that there actually have been two snowflakes found that are identical. Interesting, no?

But now that all the snow is melted and it's like 60 degrees outside, I'm much happier. It's not supposed to snow when it's springtime. And I much prefer t-shirt weather and skirt weather and all of it, except that sunshine sort of makes me lazy. And sleepy. But I love it all the same. I think it's almost impossible to be sad when it's such a nice day out. Now if only the trees would start to bud. That would make me really happy :)

In a way sometimes I think that not having much work to do can be almost as bad as having too much. I've become afflicted with an acute case of laziness. I have physics due tomorrow, but I'm almost finished and I just can't will myself to completely get it done, on account of not immediately knowing how to do it. I feel like just ditching work and classes and sleep. And sort out what I want to do. I'm not sure the whole doctor thing fits me anymore.
I'm always torn about what to do about so many things. I wish I could just split myself in two, and have one part of me live one way, and say everything I want to, and then the other part live the other way, and keep quiet so that I could see what's best. Too bad I'm not a mutant, even though it's Halloween.

Rainy Days

It's all dark and rainy outside. It's been that way almost all weekend, unfortunately. Makes me wanna just curl up inside, nice and cozy, with all the lights on and just read a book, or sleep, or write with some nice hot chocolate. It makes me not wanna do my insane load of homework too, but I think that's more of me blaming the weather, since I never do my work. Somewhere along the way, I've lost my insane drive to get all my work done early. I used to be so productive in high school and last year. I don't know what happened, lol.

I was browsing the CU bookstore a lot last week during my work breaks, and I was looking at all the journals they have there. They've got some real nice ones, some with covers that look like stained glass and stuff, and some are really small that are nice to stick in ur pocket for random moments. I don't know why, but I love journals, yet I'm so lazy to write in them. I need a spark of motivation to start writing again.

Just a Little Late

I can't believe how unbelieveably cold, wet, and rainy it was yesterday. My bedroom window, the one that half faces a brick wall, was stuck ever since I tried to open it to let the smoke out that set off the smoke alarm the one time I cooked dinner. The fraction of space between the window and frame was seriously letting in some freaking cold air while I was trying to study yesterday afternoon, as if I wasn't already distracted enough with everything else.
By the time I got Tsai to help me shut my window, it was like 10:30, after all the rain and cold. A little bit late, but I guess it'll be good for the next time the cold weather comes.

I think I've got bad luck with weather. This is the second time I've been drenched, although nothing beats the first time this summer, when I looked like I took a shower in my clothes, complete with sneakers full of cold water. This time I was fully prepared, and decked out in boots and a jacket, but I still got soaked running to the bus. And in a way it was kinda amusing, since right after I got on the bus, it was still raining, but not hailing and not as hard as it was when I was running for it. What a way to welcome autumn :)

Lei finally brought an umbrella, after it stopped raining, naturally. And now that she's gotten it, I wonder if it's going to continue pouring like it has been this year. It's always one of those things, you know, where once you get something u need to brave the weather, that weather just stops and you're too late.

I've been a little late with a lot of things like that, lately. Like thinking up good things to say to defend myself, saying just the right thing to a friend to make herself feel better, finding the right answer to a physics clicker question. Too bad debate didn't make me think faster on my feet, lol.

"My nerves are bad to-night. Yes, bad. Stay with
me.
Speak to me. Why do you never speak? Speak.
What are you thinking of? What thinking?
What?
I never know what you are thinking. Think."
~T.S. Eliot, the Wasteland

Great Expectations

I feel like everytime I look forward to something, a Friday night, looking good for something, or, more likely, someone, it always backfires somehow. Or when I hope that I get out of class or work early, it always feels like time is DRAGGING, or I'm at work twice as long as I expected to be.
Like today. I thought I'd be out of work in an hour and a half at the latest. Wrong. I was there three freaking hours, isolating DNA out of 18 freaking e.coli. Why did I take this job again? Why am I not getting paid? Grr.
I was expecting this year to be different for sure, but definitely not in the way that it is now. I haven't seen half the friends I made last year, and I feel like I've already ran into my first big hill to climb. And I feel like although it's not that big, it's pretty f-ing slippery and I'm kinda falling down it a lot. Or stumbling over rocks that have just spontaneously popped up. And the worse thing about it? It's only been two weeks. I'm not supposed to feel this way until the first midterms hit.
No more cakewalk classes for me anymore :( Even physics I'm kinda struggling through. Even band, I'm having to push really hard to practice even fifteen minutes every other day.
Sometimes I feel kinda like Pip. Except he sorta became an ass for a while there. Wonder if I'm the same way.

Sacrifices

Yesterday as my dad was driving me home for labor day weekend, we had a nice long conversation about life, as always. But this time it wasn't so much of a lecture but an actual conversation. It started out with me complaining, actually. About how some people can get things so easy, things that I've had to bust my ass for. Like jobs. And money. I know so many people who have connections through their parents and other friends. They get higher paying jobs than me from their parents and connections. They don't have to search for a job, it's all lined up for them. Or they get these research jobs through their connections. It took me months to find my position. Same thing with some classes. Though, granted, sometimes I'm lucky with those too. But I mean, classes have always been a bit unfair, what with 20 sections of the same class, all taught by different teachers with different teaching methods. Someone's always gonna have a much easier class than you, and you have an easier class than someone else. I was talking about all this to my dad because I guess I was jealous, of all the people who've had lots of things just handed to them, of all the people who just don't see how great and easier parts of their lives are, and my dad told me why it'd all be worth it in the end. He said that I had to make this sacrifice and work hard for my children, so that I could make the connections that would set my children up in the way that I knew lots of people were set up.
It made me stop feeling jealous and self-centered, and think about all the sacrifices my parents and grandparents made, like my grandfather. I'm sort of ashamed, because until Friday, I actually didn't know much about my grandfather. He died when I was three, and I barely remember him at all, just little flashes, like freeze frames of a movie. When my dad was still in Hong Kong, my grandfather didn't actually have to work, because they got enough money renting out a house. According to my dad, he just went to dim sum a lot, and was happy doing so. But he made the sacrifice of moving to Canada for his family, even though he would've rather not worked and stuff. Apparently, me, my sister, and my dad are all just like my grandfather, since none of us really like having to build connections and beg for jobs.
It also made me think of my mom, because she didn't use to work either. And after her operation, she really didn't want to start working again. But I know that she did to get me and Tiff into college. And it's why we're here, in the States. Even though we moved here because my dad's job moved down here, I'm pretty sure my parents would've been just happy with staying in Calgary, but they always dreamed of me and my sister going to a big college in America. And so we moved.
Our talk made me realize that I just need to suck it up and study hard to make that big sacrifice my dad was reminding me about. I hope it's worth it. I think it will be.

Lost

So although I should really be reading Ulysses, I can't focus much on it. The view from my window, although most of it is really a black oblivion of a brick wall, is actually quite nice. I ccan see the nice open area between building A and B of Bear Creek. It's kind of weird though, with my desk lamp on, because it's acting as a very good mirror, which kind of creeps me out a little.

It's very weird to be back as a sophomore, and I still feel a little lost. Not getting lost around campus like last year, but a little lost inside myself, I guess. I never was very good at adapting, it always took me a while to let things sink in. I was so overwhelmed today, what with the usual parental yelling and associated crying last night about how I should be studying all the time and not socializing, or 'doing sex' or, the lastest, cooking and cleaning my apartment. Plus I almost had the scare of having to give a lab presentation Thursday which I found out was supposed to be like a 30 minute thing and I actually need to prepare slides and shit for, but now, things are good. Presentation postponed, homework and reading done, now I'm just trying to get ahead in English cuz Ulysses is over 600 freaking pages, and I need to finish it for next Friday apparently. But I'm getting back into the studying thing, although I know things will drastically pick up next week, with the research work starting up again, and all the homework starting.
Time always seems to move so slow at the beginning of each semester, but then towards the end and come midterms, seems to move so fast. I'm kind of hoping it'll be the same this year.
It's just weird this year, having to wait to take the bus to classes, meaning I have to leave earlier now, and having to clean and cook. I have to watch who I hang out with, and who I don't. It's just hard to rebalance everything again, now with a few extra additions to my plate. Not that I don't want the new things. It's just different.
Today when Lei, Jessica and I were out at Target, these weird creepy middle-aged white guys turned around and said that we were beautiful, and kept turning to look at us as we were in the parking lot. It was soo odd. I guess I'm not used to that kind of thing. It's just weird, that it's always old people who say that to younger girls, but never guys our own age. Why is that?

Shuffle

I've said this before, but I think that putting your ipod on shuffle sometimes is just what you need to wake you up. Yesterday afternoon I had some mellow Celtic woman song immediately followed by Usher's Yeah. I like the randomness of it all. ANd it makes me appreciate the music I've forgotten.
It makes me think of why I put those songs on my ipod. And helps remember bits of who I am, and who I was back then when I first got my mini. I mean, I've always thought I haven't changed much. In looks or in personality. But when I was looking at my school IDs yesterday, I realized that somewhere between middle school and high school I actually seem like my looks changed a lot. From a kid to an actual teenager. And even in high school, and now, I've still got the same face, the same pointed chin and the same un-Asian eyes, but somehow I've changed slightly every year. And I guess that's true for my personality too. I've been shuffling the cards slightly every once in a while. I've kept my framework but I think I'm a better person now. Or at least happier. But I think what it really is is that I've finally become mature enough to laugh at myself. Which I do a lot now, cuz I say and do the weirdest things a lot. I'm happy to say that maybe I've finally dealt myself the right cards

Can you get dehydrated by crying too much? Just a thought.

A Little Parisian Romance

I went to this little Parisian restaurant for dinner today in Larimer Square, Bistro Vendome. It was nice, and had an outdoor terrace part and an inside and this part in between two buildings that was decorated to look like you were eating outside in a Parisian street. There was also this fountain with lots of flowers nearby. The titles of the dishes were in French, and they poured water out of wine bottles. I think my sister put it best, it was a restaurant with an intimate setting. I've always thought myself to not be someone who goes for the romantic kind of things, I'm always gagging whenever I see lots of PDA or people making out incessantly in movies and in public, but something about the Parisian restaurant setting made me feel differently. It brought me around to thinking that a little old-fashioned romance might be nice

The Good Person Test

There must be something about me that screams come try and convert me to a Christian, because that's what I've been getting a lot. I've been approached twice by the Annex, a Christian group from Fort Collins, and once by this international survey people, talking about Christianity. I've never really been a religious person either, which makes it all the more odd to me. Maybe I just look easily convincible or something since I always seem so unsure or something, I don't know. I just know I get approached a lot. And now I've got a small bible in my backpack. Just what I always needed, I know.
I had to take this good person test. And I had originally determined that I was a sinner, since I have lied and 'committed adultery in my heart' before, but if I 'confessed my sins and believed in Jesus that I could apparently be saved and go to heaven'. And then apparently in the guy's example I turned my back on God because I said that I would suffer my punishment if I did something bad. Oh well, so I'm a weird person.
But honestly, I thought this good person test was not very accurate. I mean, a good person definition is so arbitrary. And just because someone is a liar doesn't mean they're a bad person, especially since lies can be for good intentions. I wonder if there was a good person test for real, how many people would actually pass. I wonder if I would pass.

Hearing and listening

So I was reading this cheesy book again recently, one of the Meg Cabot teen sappy my-life-sucks-but-then-becomes-really-awesome-because-I-found-romance books. And it had something about the difference between hearing and listening and stuff like that. I was thinking about it, and you know, maybe there's some truth to that. I mean, there's lots of times when I'm listening to my parents and stuff, and it's all in one ear and out the other. How many times does it take for someone to actually really listen to what you say? To not just hear a 'no thanks' but to actually listen to it? Or to actually listen to your problems and not just hear them all and give an occasional head nod and 'uh huh' just to sound like you're paying attention when you're not.

It was also weird to think about, cuz I had to fill out this survey for my sister, about whether or not she listens to people's conversations and stuff like that. And I mean I would think that out of all people, I would know her the best, but that thing was actually surprisingly hard to do. I don't know whether or not she tunes people out and stuff. And it made me realize that I don't know who knows me best, either. I don't know who's been hearing, and who's been listening.

I do know, however, after the Hall of LIfe yesterday, how sounds are processed by the ear, regardless of whether you are listening, or just hearing :) I've decided that the Hall of Life, though probably geared towards younger kids, is just as fun if you haven't been there in ages. Plus, their little height/weight recording thing seems to think that I'm taller than I am. And heavier too :) Who wouldathunk that I'd almost weigh 100lbs. Almost.

What makes a person who they are? I wish I took psychology so then I could psychoanalyze myself. I think it'd be quite interesting. I want to figure out why I am so up and down all the time. Then I could put the brakes on my roller coaster.
I wish it would rain. But not a torrential downpour like it's been lately, just a light sprinkle. To match my mood. I've decided that there's nothing like sitting with a warm drink at night listening to the rain to get the brain thinking. Now that it's officially summer I can't force my brain to think unless I get in the right mood. If I'm not, then I just avoid things and they just build and build again, like they used to.
I miss everyone. I miss everyone and yet I don't think I'd know what to say to everyone once I see them. What a dilemma ;)

Inexplainable Thoughts

I think cold medicine makes me weird, very emotional and hyper. Almost like other like other times this semester.
I'm so relieved that school is over. But I'm even more relieved that although I never found that balance, I was still able to please my parents with decent grades and please myself by having a little more fun. Must work on more of a balance though, but I think that has to come with figuring out myself a little better. But that's for the two weeks I have before work starts: figuring out myself. I still haven't figured out what I want yet, even though I have decided what I want to do for the summer:
scrapbooking
clubbing
Elitch's
sleeping
reading
watching the movies i never got around to watching before
and of course catching up with everyone.
I feel so guilty that I haven't really been keeping in touch with everyone. I'm so bad with that, and then I feel as though I'm not sure what parts of my life to open up and what parts to keep hidden away. And I have a bunch of feelings and thoughts that I don't even think I could possibly put down into words. Do you ever feel like that? Like there are thoughts and emotions that just can't be expressed, only felt. I feel as though the power behind them would be lost by trying to explain them somehow. And the fact that I can't capture them almost scares me because I won't be able to remember it later on. I don't want them to fade away, like how things disappear in my mind right before I go to sleep, or right before I wake up. If I could explain my thoughts then maybe I'd be able to figure out what they all mean.

Random Thoughts

Hmmm, I'm very moody, up and down up and down :) Why is it always so hard to focus when we have beautiful weather outside? I just want to sit outside all day long and play. And therefore I'm already breaking my resolution to stop being stupid and start studying hard.
It's time to follow everyone's advice and start doing the things that are better for me, and let go of the troublemakers.

A Plethora of Stupid Things

Sometimes change isn't always for the better. I think I've changed too much this past semester. I've had a lot more fun than first semester, met some awesome people, and I'm totally loving the college experience.
But I think I swung too much the other way. I lost that 'good girl' image in my head, and I don't know who I am without it. Here I am frowning at people who don't seem to care a lot about their schoolwork and just party instead, and then I kinda go and do the same thing.
I should have studied yesterday, and not hung out. With anybody. Maybe it's time to revert back into my hiding place of last semester, and not do so many stupid things. With a lot of fun comes a lot of awkward moments. I'm not sure I regret all of it, just a little of it. But I think for the last week and a half, I need to change my ways, and change who I've become.

Hyperspeed

Do you ever feel like sometimes the world is moving too fast around you and you can't keep up? I don't know what's happened, like I missed a huge chunk of my life of something. Like I'm glued down to the floor, just cemented there. I'm a spectator and nothing helps. I've determined that tylenol is one of those guesswork objects. When it helps, I can't help but wonder if the tylenol really worked, or if my malady just went away on its own. But I'm a trusting gal, i think. Maybe it really did help my monstrous stomachache tonight. If tylenol could slow everything down, then it'd truly be a wonder pill. But until then, can someone lend my a hammer, or maybe a chisel, so I can hack away at the cement that's glued my feet to the sidewalk?

Growing up

After surviving one semester of college, I realized how it really was a form of survival for me. I wasn't very bright when I picked my courses. It was kinda weird, since the classes that I thought would be easy were hard, and the classes I thought would be hard were easy.
At first thought, college sucked. I think it kinda messed me up in the following ways:
flute playing, which totally went down the drain :(
origami folding
sleeping...i turned into one of those people who'd fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon a lot
my sanity... i starting laughing in the middle of my bio final. at freaking 7:30 in the morning. because i had no clue what i was doing. i dont know what i was thinking. and im surprised i didnt get in trouble.

But, then (actually just now), I realized that college was pretty frickin awesome, too:
a handful of good friends
more independence, which i hear is a good thing later on in life. ive always been really dependent on other people, even just for simple things, like asking for stuff before.
happy random moments...lunch conversations, being late to class, laughing with friends, and those random coincidences that make me wonder if it's fate.

What doesnt kill u makes u stronger right? Well, I'm certainly not dead yet, so I guess I'm stronger after 3 and a half months of survival.

I feel as though ive grown two inches :)

Tomorrow Another Day

havent posted in a while...one more thing ive suppressed. I guess this pent up geyser's finally blown the top off me. Life sucks when you don't deal with it. It's one of those things you put off and put off and don't deal with until everything finally catches up with you. I've held things in too long, havent dealt with things since like march, and everything has just built up and added to the pain. But listening to good music late at nite with a coke and just thinking things through have that nice calming effect. I never realized how important it is to sit and think about everything, and be a little selfish for a bit. I've always tried to think of tomorrow as another day, and I have to admit, the past 45 minutes have felt better, maybe because it's a new day, maybe because thinking, coke and music is a good cure for depression, or maybe because things always get bad first before they get better.

1950s Housewife

After watching Mona Lisa Smile, I've realized I would've never made it in the 1950s. And being the sort of depressed guy-hater that I am, this was probably not the best movie for me to watch. But I can't imagine having to pretend to fake smile while knowing that your guy is a cheating liar. I couldn't put up with it. Plus, I'm not really the best cook around, knowing only how to make pasta, chicken, and quesadillas. I would die as a 1950s housewife.
So all in all, I'm a whole lot more appreciative of being brought up in a new decade, new century, new millenium. Where things aren't just about getting married and...cooking. Not that I want to be a lawyer from Yale, like the movie. Honestly, I'm not even sure that I'd make a good doctor. And considering my lovely fainting spell yesterday, maybe my nerves won't be able to handle it either. Well, nerves, or intense pain in a skinny body. But I do love the choices that we have. Maybe I'll be a pharmacologist instead. Anything but a 1950s housewife.

Eh?

Whenever I head back to Toronto, I always lapse back into my odd words and habits. It's all back to pencil crayons and such. And no matter how much I deny that Canadians do not go around saying Eh? all the time, some do, like my aunt. And thus I go around saying eh? at the end of a sad majority of my sentences whenever I'm there. I'll probably have to consciously remind myself to not tack that on at the end for a week until it's no longer a bad habit, like biting nails or something.
I think one of the nicest things about going to Toronto all the time besides seeing my relatives is that Toronto is so big that I feel like I'm seeing new things all the time. I went back to the Royal Ontario Museum again after like 4 years, and it's quite nice, except for the fact that my favorite exhibit, the awesome dinosaur one, was closed for renovation. Grrr... but it was nice to take the trolley car and subway by myself for the first time. Public transportation is so much better up there. And I learned that lacrosse, not hockey surprisingly, is Canada's national sport. Pretty weird,eh? But it's a tribute to the Native American people. If you ask me, they should add hockey, considering that's what everyone believes in Canada's national sport anyway.
But what's not so fun about traveling is all the fun you miss back home. I cant believe i missed dragonboat racing. :( And I gots to be reading all my college mail, and practice for my dang audition. I was very happy to find that I got a single room with a bath, though. Makes me more excited for the end of August.

It's Like Riding a Bicycle...

...you never forget. And it's true, I guess. After like 7 years I finally got on a bike again. My sister's bike, actually. And it was quite an experience. I couldn't adjust my bike, much to my anger and frustration. I need some sort of hexagonal shaped screwdriver. I tried a bunch of different things. One hexagonal one was too small. The other was too big. A hexagonal screw head didn't fit either. Erg. So I adjusted my sister's bike, but I thought it was still too tall for me. I mean, I can barely put my toes down. And then Ian said it was too low! And I couldn't shift gears with my left hand, making Ian think I was nuts again.
But all in all, it was pretty nice. Well, the middle part anyway, after I finally caught up to Himanshu and Ian, who pretty much left me behind in the dust all the way up until we reached the freaking marina. But we saw 6 deer, some rabbits, a yellow bird, dragonflies, ladybugs, and a whole lot of mosquitos. The deer were the best part, i think. I was having lots of fun, actually, up until I got the freaking flat tire. And then that really sucked, because it totally busted. So Himanshu and I basically walked from the Cherry Creek Reservoir to my house wheeling our bikes. Not so much fun :( That took forever, especially in the heat.

I think the best thing, though, was how kind people are. Some people stopped to see if they could help us as we were walking, offering services and just seeing if we were okay. Just that simple, 'are you guys okay?' really touched my heart. Because it made me realize that there are so many kind and generous, beautiful people in this world. Sometimes, in looking at the world and all the tension, conflict, bombings and wars, it's hard to remember that.

But overall, it was nice to remember that, above all else, it is true that you don't ever forget how to ride a bicycle ;)

The World on Shuffle

I love to listen to my ipod on shuffle. It makes me appreciate songs I forgot I had and listen to songs I doubt I've really heard before. And it's made me realize how much freaking linkin park is on it, for some odd reason. And most of all, I love the randomness of it, a love song played after death metal. Death Cab for Cutie and then Converge and Michael Buble. I've always liked my world neat and orderly. Planned and scheduled. I hated when people sprang their plans on me without at least a day or 6 hours in advance. But I thnk random events, little surprises make life interesting, and those spontaneous moments are what I remember most.
Like trips to visit mainstreet Parker, sipping Italian sodas at Borders, or even playing Gauntlet Legends for hours, even though it's quite a weird game.
I think it's made me think about what I want to do in college. And looking back on high school, I tried a lot of different things. But the thing I think i most regret is the fact that I drop some stuff that I really loved. Track and field in middle school, and soccer after freshman year. Sports, in general. I used to be pretty athletic and a serious runner, and I miss that, I really do. So I've decided that I will do some sort of sport at CU. Maybe not a club sport because I'm too stingy and refuse to pay the insane $125 or whatever fee for soccer, but maybe intramural soccer. Intramural coed soccer even. Or maybe try the intramural ice hockey team, if I ever learn how to skate backwards. With a stick in my hand too. I dont want to stay the complete nerd with only a majority of my trophies coming from math and debating. I want some athletic ones too.
I'm sad to realize that I don't have much more of my summer left, especially with my trip to Toronto coming in the middle of it. Erg. But I've decided that I've been far too serious a person for as long as I can remember. So I'm going to put my world on shuffle, and see what randomness comes up next.

Aaarrrgghh!!!

I'm going to miss rowing this year!!! *Tears*

9 Years and Counting...

It's so weird...I have been here for exactly 9 years. I can't believe it's been so long! It feels like only 6 or 7 years, and half my relatives feel like that too. They were so shocked to hear it's been 9 years. Holy smokes.

What's also weird was the dream I had a couple days ago. It was so freaking scary. It was about some sort of Chinese mafia/gang that was after my family. There were assassins dressed up as nuns shooting at us, we were hiding in trees, trying to escape some Chinese city dressed in other people's clothing and using fake passports...not fun. If all dreams are some sort of subconscious message, I wonder what mine would be.

On Toronto...

So 6 days, 2 dim sums in a row at the same restaurant, 2 family reunion-barbecues, one funeral and one broken watch later, I'm finally back home. It's good to be back, although it's back to being lazy, unfortunately. I think I might try finding a nice place to volunteer since summer's like half gone already. Where did June go? I seem to have lost part of it...
Being back in Toronto and only seeing my dad's side of the family was a bit weird, considering that whenever I go I usually see more of my mom's side than my dad's. And, not to sound like a mean jerk or anything, but I sort of prefer it that way, since some of my aunts and uncles on my dad's side ignore and make fun of me and my sister for not speaking cantonese, and some of my cousins aren't all that nice either. But I saw some people that I haven't seen in a long, long time so that was nice. I felt a bit guilty at first because I couldn't recognize one of my cousins because I hadn't seen him in like 6 years and I couldn't remember if his name was Harold or Edmund. But it was alright, because he simply ignored everyone so I never talked to him.

But the weirdest part of the trip was the realization that my uncle can't count. And thus confused everyone when he said that there were 8 grandchildren in the family. First of all, there are like 15, but even if you just do the lame Chinese counting way of only counting the kids with the lst name of Chow, there are only 7. My Uncle Da claims that he was going to stand up and protest that 8 grandchildren was wrong, there are only 7, but considering that he can't really count in Chinese, I think he wouldve just confused everyone. And not only that, but according to the uncle giving the eulogy, my grandmother was 84, but if you do simple subtraction from the birth and death dates he gave, technically she's only 82 or 83. I was so lost until my dad reminded me that Chinese people start counting age at 1, so you have to add an extra year on.

At least when I go back to Toronto next month hopefully I'll be able to enjoy things like I usually do.

Friendship

Is it possible to flip out over a favor for a friend? That I haven't known for very long? Aargh! I don't want to investigate any more colleges, even if it's for a friend :( But o well, anything for a friend, even if he still can't get my name spelled correctly, right? Once I decipher the email anyways.

The Healing Process

It's late, so late that it's now the tomorrow I was thinking about a few hours ago. It's only one, but I haven't been up this late in a while, doing nothing but thinking, but it's doing me some good. At least I'd like to think so. Perhaps i'm finally healing.

Two and a half hours later,I'm finally able to breathe normally. My nose is not so plugged up anymore so that I don't need to breathe through my mouth with loud sighs. I had no idea that I might be allergic to cats. Lesson learned. And maybe one I will actually remember, no less.

I just finished reading The Truth About Forever, just to see what the hype was. I think it's going on my list of healing books. True, it's got that sappy romance bit to it, but it's good in the sense that I can relate to parts of it, and that's what makes any book good. And it's gonna help me sew up parts of myself that have been coming undone. It's given me that feel good feeling, and also that feeling like I need to do something to fix my life so that I don't go through the same motions that I just read about. Like it's time to break down a wall. That, and letting loose to someone on a sidewalk late at night for half an hour have done me loads and loads of good. I was reading my finished journal recently, and i realized just how miserable I was freshman year. How I never let loose to anyone back then. I have no freaking clue how I survived. Not a healthy thing to do anymore. Just talking, venting, sharing stories and guessing at how to help each other has made me realize how lucky I am to have people to let it all out to. Sure, I've got one of those deep panicky feelings growing, looking at what I need to do tomorrow..er, today, but I know eventually it'll all be better. Taking one step backward to take two steps forward. I know I'm probably going to hurt before I feel better again. But I know that this is just one of life's little lessons. Because I didn't learn it the first time. I think this is my reminder to never forget, since it's much harder the second time around. But this time i think i've got it right. Hopefully.

I've been listening to Panic! At the Disco's "I write sins, not tragedies", and I keep thinking about the part that goes something about closing the God damn doorknob, and for some reason it keeps sticking with me. I think this year I've reopened a door that I should've kept closed one too many times, and another time someone else opened it. But I think this time, I've closed it for sure. Cemented it shut, really. I really messed it up before, but I think I've gotten my priorities and my feelings all straightened out. And man, it's a huge load off.

It's kind of weird how fast feelings change, about stuff. Like when you discover that you don't like something you used to love, and you wonder when that happened. Or when you realized that people you were friends with long ago have become simply 'acquaintances' or simply someone u used to know. Even with my clothes. I was at Old Navy today, and I bought a skirt. A mini skirt, too, no less. And tonight, after walking in my door at 10:30, I was wondering why I had bought it. To impress people? To look 'cute'? Why? I mean, i don't think I've ever possessed a jean skirt, or a skirt that goes above my knees. And honestly, I have no idea why I wanted such a radical change from my usual jeans.

I think the big thing, the main thing behind it all, was that this summer didn't start the way i had wanted it to. Kind of like in Truth About Forever, I think I wanted things to start out perfect, even though perfect is unachievable. But spending half the night during the grad party looking at the stars,and reading books and watching good movies and doing nothing but talking, venting, thinking has really opened my eyes. And I'm not going to close them again.

My Transition Chapter

It took some doing, but I finally finished my journal that I kept all throughout high school. I think it was sort of fitting that I ran out of room and ended my last page with graduation, kind of like I closed that chapter of my life. I read part of it last night, and I have to admit, parts of it were so hilarious because I'm glad to think that I've matured greatly since freshman year. Not to say that I'm not an idiot anymore, because sometimes I am. And always will be. Just a lot less so.
I'm thinking of looking at summer as my transition, the bridge chapter of my life. Unfortunately, it hasn't exactly started as well as I had liked, but hey, it's only the beginning, right? I've felt left out of the loop for so long, I want to focus on getting back into it. I can't go off to school by myself with ragged friendship bonds, can I? That would just be so depressing. No, I need to make them all nice and tight again. I think my problem has been that I've become very good at self-denial. I've built this wall up around me and it needs to come down. I think I'm too introverted, and while this isn't all that bad, it can be pretty self-destructing. I know it sounds pretty corny and ridiculous, but I think the problem is that I need to really come to terms with myself these two months. And break down that wall. And come to love myself. I don't think I really have, because my self-confidence has been shot this year with all the highs and lows. So this time, I want to focus on the highs. And build up from there. This summer, I want to be happy, and do lots of things I haven't done before. Like learn how to knit and go to a concert.

On a completely random thought, let me just say that Triveni is very very creepy when playing Mortal Kombat. Triv, you are shockingly vicious. ;) What a hilarious afternoon, from learning new fighting moves to being magical archers and jesters throwing bombs and swords and arrows at weird blue farmer zombies. We should do that again :)

One of those days

Today is just one of those days, those unproductive days where I feel like a bum, angry and frustrated. At what, I do not know. I tried to watch one of the movies on my summer list, but I couldn't get through it. Honestly, I don't really know why I borrowed it exactly, seeing as how it's a romance movie. And the book was long, and at times, sort of boring. I think I've got to be in the right sort of mood to watch it. My I'm-so-happy-with-life mood, which, needless to say, I definitely am not in right now. I think I've shifted into a what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-me sort of mood. But I can't put my feelings into words. I have no idea where my frustration is coming from, but I definitely felt really really irked this morning. Maybe because I felt left out as usual, I don't know. But I wish I did. I think I've lost my ability to sort things out. Or maybe, I think I've just put up a wall around myself and I'm in self-denial about things. Because honestly, half the things I think about I really have no idea if they're true or not. And everytime someone asks me a question that should be yes or no, I constantly find myself shifting towards the grey area in a matter that should be black or white.
I have come to the conclusion that this week, though fun and exciting and half over, is going to be sort of nervewracking. Eek! I can't believe we're graduating in TWO days. Holy smokes, guys.

Random Thoughts

All this graduation business got me thinking. Thinking about where I would be if I hadn't made the choices I did, and if, given the chance, I would still make the same choices. It's weird to realize the impact of decision, one action. Last week I was looking up how to find my IB score online and came across the official IBO site, and it listed all the IB schools. And the school I would have gone to, Sir Winston Churchill, was up there too. Given the chance, I'm not sure I would do IB again, but had I stayed up in Calgary, I'm sure I would have done IB. And it was disturbing in a weird sort of way to realize that on the same days and the same time, I would have been taking the exact same tests, but a country away. Well, minus French as my language B, 'cause I doubt that'd be allowed. But you can test in Chinese. It saddens me to realize that I could've come that much closer to my roots. I always wanted to learn Cantonese, and I'm not saying that I won't, but it would've been much easier had I stayed up there. But I'm up to that challenge. Anyways, thinking about that high school up in Calgary made me remember when I was a little kid. It made me start thinking about my friends again. And lo and behold, I found one. My best friend, Paul, who is about to graduate too, from Sir Winston Churchill. But none of my other friends are there. It makes me sad that I don't know where any of them are anymore, that I didn't keep in touch. And it made me wonder what would've happen if I stayed. Would I have the same best friend? Would I have still been the popular (so weird, I know) kid in our grade? One of the smartest people? I don't know. It's interesting but pointless to think about. But it makes me wonder if I should try to get back into touch, even though I'm hopeless at penpals. Though most of these failures aren't really my fault, since I keep writing but no one answers.

Anyways, it's also so weird to realize how old we are. Most, but not all, of us are already adults. My sister is 20. It sounds like such an old, mature, age, and I suppose it does make since, but I really can't see her as that old already. I can't imagine any of us as 17, 18 year olds. Where did all the years go? I honestly can't believe we're graduating in like 5 days. I also can't believe that most of us also do not get to walk in with the rest of our class. It hasn't hit me yet that after this week, we will rarely, if ever, walk into SHHS again. Never do WAC again. I might never play the flute again. It's just weird, the things you miss. I can't believe that I'm missing band...the class everyone's constantly heard me complain about it. But I do. And I miss Mr. K's random comments about life. Because sometimes, especially once, they've come in handy. It sounds stupid, but some have them have kept me alive.

But I think I've gotten enough from Smoky Hill in four year, and I'm ready to move on and move out. Starting college is like having a clean slate, but not quite. It's like starting over, but with more knowledge to keep the good things and erase the bad. It's like a perfect slate with all your good qualities but none of your bad yet. And though it won't stay that way forever, it's nice to know that at least you're starting out that way. I like that. Maybe this time around it won't take me four years to discover myself. Maybe this time I can start out that way and be able to start from where I left off. I know it's completely cliche, but people aren't kidding when they say high school is where you find yourself. But for me, it was so true. I just wish it didn't take me so long to realize my potential. But on the positive, I'm sure glad I did.

I feel like kicking something. Good and hard. Anything. Well, anything except a bucket, of course. Sigh. Years from now when Im a doctor, I'm gonna go and rub it in Wash U's face. I keep playing Bad Day and Better Days. They make me feel so much better.

Breaking through the layers

I think all my energy's dried up. I don't know what's happened to me. I'm too lazy to even write in my journal. I haven't written in it since like December. Not good.
I'm so thankful for my sister. Since she came home yesterday I've been blessfully reminded of why it's so nice to have a sibling, especially an older one. And not just because she can take the load off me washing dishes and washing the rice and petty stuff like that. No, she's always there to talk to, which is good especially now that I've become too lazy to write in my journal. Because I know more than anyone know how dangerous it can be to hold things in. Yesterday we were watching Numbers together and instead of paying attention we just sat there talking and stuff. About everything. Everything and anything. It was such a nice feeling, to crack through a layer of myself and feel fresh again. I miss that, having a sister to talk to whenever. It made me realize that no matter how close you are to home, it's still different. I've realized that staying here for college is still a new experience, cause we're gonna be a whole lot more independent. I'm excited for that, but a bit worried, too. I don't know how to handle that extra responsibility though. But I do think it'll be nice to break out of another layer of my shell. I don't think I do that often enough, and maybe one day I'll hatch out completely as one awesome person. We'll have to see.

Counting the Days

I was listening to one of my favorite songs, Counting the Days, and I realized that I've been counting the days too, but until graduation. Until we're done. 10 school days til we get out of school. 3 weeks til graduation. And that's it. And to be honest, that makes me so excited, but it also scares the heck out of me. Because when I go to college, I'm not going to see my friends, the best friends that saw me through middle and high school. Who were always there for me. I'm scared we're going to drift apart. I'm scared that we've already begun to drift apart, and I don't want that to happen. We always pictured years ago that we'd be friends forever, even to adulthood. But I feel as though I've slowly floated away from our group, and I want to find a way back in. I don't think I've had one of those long chats about what's going on in our lives that used to be so frequent with some people in probably years. I don't want to be out of the loop anymore, and with each day, I feel as though I'm getting more and more disconnected. I don't want to count the days anymore until I find my connection again.

The Smart Choices

Last weekend I stayed up till midnite watching some stupid, predictable romance movie, Celeste in the City. Who has a name like Celeste nowadays anyways? Unless ur in France, of course. But while I was sitting there laughing at how it was just like the typical geek-gets-makeover-and-finds-true-love movie, I realized that there was something to learn there. Well, mainly the typical don't go for the first guy who pays attention to u because he may be a jerk. Which I sorta knew-ish. It was so laughable in such a movie, because it had to be the most obvious thing, and she missed it. But after what was most definitely the most stressful week of my entire life, I've decided that I better start making smarter choices.
Such as being nicer to people and not being a hypocrite. Such as stop hurting my friends by trying to hang on to people I know I shouldnt. Which I should probably do right now.Such as stop STRESSING and acting like an idiot all the time. Which will probably never be possible, but I think any sort of reduction in my pessimistic stressing would be a plus. Sometimes I wonder if I was not myself if I would be friends with me. If I was judging by this week, I would say 'not really.' So let's hope I can turn it around with one relaxing weekend. So to all my friends: so so soooo sorry for being a brat and an awful friend this week.

It's All About What's Meant to Be

It kind of sucks how things don't turn out the way you want them to. It was so depressing to come back from what was probably the best week of my life in Russia to come back to all the disappointment from colleges. I was/am so happy for everyone who got into where they wanted, for everyone who had lots of good choices and options, but I guess I couldn't help being jealous. Jealous of everyone who got into where I really wanted to go. And depressed to be left here. Depressed about how that stupid witch told me I was throwing my life away by staying here to go to CU. Depressed that my Russian buddy has not written me back even though I wrote like 2 weeks ago almost, and depressed how I can't seem to get back to that level of happiness I had there. But this week I stayed much more positive and optimistic, and not only am I so much happier now, but I realized that maybe it's just what's meant to be and that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I'm meant to not have a prom date. Maybe I'm meant to learn something from all this. Maybe staying here is what I need for myself, and looking over the mountains I've seen my whole life will somehow hem up my raw edges. I think I believe in fate, and maybe my fate's here if I just make the best of it. :)

St Petersburg

Holy smokes was Russia so much fun! In a weird way I sort of miss it there, though it is nice to be back home too. But in Russia I didn't feel all stressed out, and I could just let the happiness wash over me. It was really depressing to come back here and find out about all the disappointing colleges. St Petersburg was so pretty that I could forget about how much quicker I'm going to die from all the smoke inhalation and the cold and almost getting run over by cars. St Petersburg was all about the enthusiastic crowds, the museums, the architecture, the cool Russian accent that our guides and the Russian guys we met had, and the palaces. I must've taken a good 250 pictures. But most of them are of the architecture and palaces. Just to walk where the czars have been was so amazing. And to play in the same concert hall where Rachmaninov (sp?) and other famous composers have played was so musically gratifying, especially getting an encore and a standing o. The best two concerts I've played in my life. Not my personal playing best, as usual, but the audiences were so enthusiastic. Much better than playing in a high school auditorium for parents that are only going to see their children.
You guys would be so proud of me. I'm becoming much more self-confident, and at our party on Wednesday with the Russian band we played with, it didn't take the entire night for me to finally talk to someone for once. I mingled quite well, if I do say so myself. And I got to know more people in our band, too. So I'm not as big an outsider in the band now, which is a bit late now, but still better late than never. And I'm going to try the long distance correspondance thing with a few of the people I met and see how that works out.
I think the most disappointing thing though is how we have to go through daylight savings time AGAIN (it's a week earlier in Russia, so we already had one). And the fact that as much as I disliked my band teacher, I dislike him even more now. But oh well. I wish I could've just stayed in Russia and dealt with the gross bathrooms and smoke just so I wouldn't have to come home to all the work, but I think I would've just missed you guys too much ;)

Too loaded

Why is it that everytime we get one large thing off our plates, another new thing gets loaded back on it? Now, even breaks are stressful because there's still so much to do. I find it quite depressing. I am happy that IAs are done. But now there's case writing for state, case writing for nat quals, all that cas report junk, and last minute things for Russia. And after spring break, I don't think there are any more holidays. It sort of makes me wish I wasn't going anywhere spring break. Then I'd be able to enjoy the quiet nothingness of it. But then again, I won't be lacking in fun in Russia. Or at least I hope I won't. At least until all that jet lag sets in.

Waves

Is it possible to run out of tears? To dry yourself out for a time? I think I did last night while watching the Sisterhood. That movie hits me every time with this huge emotional wave. There are some things that come too close to my life than I'd like. Bad Day by Daniel Powter has become my new favourite song. Not because I constantly have bad days, though they could be better, but because it's just so inspirational and relaxing, and whenever I hear it, it helps me pick myself up.
I think it is so sad that sometimes, tragedy doesn't bring a disfunctional family together but just rips them further apart. It's like just when you think things relationships can't get much worse, they do. I can't believe how everything can happen all at once. There's just no break to try and prepare for the next wave. Too bad I wasn't a girl scout. I'm never prepared for anything.

Like Lena

This past month's been like a blur, like I'd rather forget about it all. If I were on a roller coaster, it's like I've been brought to a screaming halt on my way back up to the top. I can't believe how I almost lost it a couple weeks ago. I can't believe how stupid I was for trying to go out on a limb for an idiot. But at least I see that now. I just reread the Sisterhood books. I feel like Lena, minus being an artist. And the whole ravishing beauty part. But in the sense of being the quiet one, the one who never expresses her feelings. I wish I could find the same courage she did to go out and finally be able to say something to set everything straight. I know that Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind," but I feel as though if I actually say what I feel I am going to hurt people, and be left with maybe half the friends I started with.
It's not just that I'm left behind in the shuffle, I guess I'm just confused within myself, too. I feel as though I'm just forgotten, because anything I'm good at, someone's better. And I know that's just the way it's always going to be. But anything I achieve, it's a bigger thing for someone else. I guess I'm feeling jealous. Jealous at everyone for knowing who they are already while I don't, and jealous for everyone who knows how to get their own spotlight. I don't think I've figured that out yet. Maybe that should be my goal for the rest of the year.

Blargh

So...the Snowflake Shake. I honestly wonder whether my somewhat pessimistic energy came back to haunt me the other day, because I really wasn't looking forward to it. And things that I was hoping wouldn't happen, of course, did happen. Naturally. I think it was worse than homecoming. I knew my moodiness was a bad thing! All day Friday I was in one of those moody I-don't want-to-do-anything sort of moods, and I ended up watching tv the entire day pretty much, even though there was nothing on. Seriously, I ended up watching some stupid disney channel musical thing on. The disney channel. Ick.
But anyways, the moments leading up to the dance were awesome. Casablanca was the neatest experience I've had in a while. Except I'm not sure about the girls being butterflies thing. And the fact that it was a bit expensive. But it was pretty worth it in the end.

But besides getting to the dance an hour before it ended, in the first two minutes upon arriving, I saw BOTH people I really would have preferred avoiding. Just my luck, of course.

And again, the songs? Not so great. So I think I've got to agree with Rabs... prom? My only reason for going would be for that awesome double decker bus. Because prom's too much of a date thing. Blargh.

Out With the Old

As 2005 comes to a close, as well as our winter break :(, I was thinking. 2006 is the year we finally graduate, and I never thought that year would come. I remember in fifth grade, my GT teacher was writing me a note saying how she would see me graduate in 2006, and I couldn't believe how long away that was. Everything seems so long ago and yet most of it happened so quickly it's now a blur. Odd, isn't it? Even this year has seemed long, but short at the same time.

I look back at 2005, and I don't know, lots of new things happened, lots of drama and stuff, but I still feel like the same old person. I don't think I've changed much, really. I mean, I still lack common sense, I'm still feeling continually stressed out, I'm still single, and I'm still hanging out with the same people. I think year 16 was sort of boring for me. It was still lots of fun and all, but it didn't really seem all that special to me. I mean, after prom was a sort of fiasco at the beginning, and summer was a bit tense. Homecoming I had a date, but it wasn't all that spectacular, and now the year's ending! And this break I didn't get a chance to do half the stuff I wanted to. College apps ruined the entire freaking break. That and Age of Innocence. O, and the lack of snow. It's sorta hard to build a snowman without the snow.
Maybe 2006 will bring me some better luck.

Home Sweet Home

Now that I've been back for a few days, I have to say that I appreciate Colorado and all it's beauty a whole lot more. Raleigh was nice, but by the end of the 4 days I was kinda sick of all the dead trees. I'm sure they're nice in the spring when they're all blooming and all, but right now they're sorta depressing. And at night it gets a bit creepy. And Raleigh is a bit dead. I mean, there's no rush hour traffic. No hectic bumper to bumper frustration trying to get home, like there was today after I was gift shopping for my mom. And I guess North Carolina must be pretty religious, because Sunday morning everything was dead. Completely shut down.
So all in all, I know that Denver's not the most exciting city to live in, but it sure is more exciting than Raleigh. And I have realized that between lots of trees and lots of mountains, I sure as heck prefer the mountains. :) Maybe Denver's not so bad after all...

The Image

I can't believe how uptight and self-conscious I've been lately, always worried about how people see me and what they think. Like how panicked I was when I found out about those lovely little rumors. And debate. I look back at debate last week and then I was all concerned about that mean Wheat Ridge team and what I possibly did to piss her off. But now I couldn't care less... Lots of people have probably felt the same way about me as that girl did, I just haven't heard about it. There's more to life than what people think of you. Thank God.

Looking at Rohini's picture of the picnic got me thinking about this year. I think the college apps and whatnot has sorta ruined the picture, but things haven't been so bad. A lot of the things I was kind of moody about, like Homecoming, were so stupid. It makes me laugh. I was so immature to let stuff like that get to me. But I think I've learned my lesson. Reminiscing has also made me realize that I've been missing out. A month ago I was hanging out with friends on the weekends, going to late night movies. Now, I've been reduced to studying and daydreaming, even on my birthday. Ick...I do not want to be a nerd. What happened to singing at the top of my lungs to random songs, and driving around with no place in particular to go?

I think this Winter Break I'm just going to be like a kid again. I want to make snow angels and make snowmen on my front lawn with rocks hidden inside to prevent kids from kicking it down like I used to. I want to drink hot chocolate while reading and watching the snow fall... I want to live the perfect image of winter.

My Discoveries

So I was thinking today, and I've realized a lot of things recently that I should've learned a long time ago. For example:
1) When I am playing by myself in band, it could just be that I have a solo, and not the fact that I am playing in the wrong place.
2) I can hum much better than I can sing.
3) I like to sing and hum, even though I suck (I've always knew this, I just reaffirmed this today).
4) Same applies for my dancing.
5) I am one crazy driver sometimes. Tires squealing and all. And apparently I ran a red light on Thursday. Bad me.
6) I do lots of planning, but I never carry out my plans. i.e. I am a chicken. :(
7) If I don't think about being sick, I feel relatively symptom free. If I think about being sick, I'm constantly sniffling and hacking. Not good.
8) I don't care about grades as much as I used to, like in bio, which is always a good thing. Didn't do so well in the bio lab, but I'm not stressing about. And anyways, half her complaints about the order which I stapled my stuff was all her fault, considering she was the one who stapled my lab in the first place.
9) I can be a pretty big flirt sometimes. But, there lots of other people who flirt a whole lot more than I do. Which is good and bad.
10) I am completely awful with directions. Again, I always knew this, it just got reaffirmed recently. I can barely remember which direction the sun rises and sets let alone know which way is north and south on a road. I should probably work on that. But in spite of this, I haven't really been lost once. I think I'm really lucky. Always a plus. :)

The Real Me

Is it possible for me to not really know who I am yet? Sometimes I feel like I'm just an empty shell with no substance inside. Then again, I can suprise myself with what I can do. It's kind of funny. The older I get, the more confused I am. I wonder if it's the same as that one saying about how the more you know, the less you realize that you know. Or something like that.
And it makes me kind of sad, because if I don't even know myself, then I don't know if anyone else really knows me either. I mean, how can anyone know me, if I don't even know myself?

Rescue Me

I think daylight savings time is gonna save me today. It was such a relief to wake up and realize that I've got an extra hour, 'cause I need it to write my college essays, and do my physics lab, and my physics homework, and my extended essay, and so forth. I've got too many ands on my list for my liking. I've never procrastinated so much! It's quite depressing for me. But I suppose to you guys, I've just finally become normal. ;)

Fall break just wasn't as fun and relaxing as I'd hoped, what with all that homework creeping up at the back of my mind. I haven't had time to do anything that I really wanted to do non-homework-wise. I haven't practiced my flute, which is killing me right now, with All-State coming up, I haven't caught up on sleep, I haven't read anything, I haven't written any poetry, I haven't done anything! I am getting a poem published, though, in the library newletter thing.

I think instead of studying and writing essays the whole day I'm just gonna take a few hours off for some me-time, and color some pictures with my new pencil crayons. I need some creative outlet to rescue me from drowning in textbooks and papers.

The Little Things I've Learned

On my trip, I realized lots of little things, most of them being pretty stupid, naturally. For instance, most of you guys know how my fingers on my right hand creak. Well, I learned that they creak a lot more in cold weather. And that it actually hurts when I do it. Which, now that I think about it, makes a lot of sense. I also learned that a liver is a lot bigger than a lung. Another thing that I was kind of like, 'duh' afterwards, but still... I suppose sometimes I have to act like an idiot in order to remember these sort of things. Now, I also appreciate the lovely Colorado weather. And I never thought I'd be so glad to see the sun. Seriously, I never saw the sun the three days i was in Toronto. It was all cloudy and nothing but cold rain. And St. Louis was sunny, but pretty cold as well. What a relief to come back to nice, pleasant Colorado.

I'm glad to be back here, except for all the reading and unwritten college essays that are waiting for me. I wish I got back here a little sooner. I can't believe it's Thursday already! Ugh. I'm never gonna get anything done. But it was pretty nice to see everyone. My little cousin is so cute! I think he's 3, and it's nice to see that he remembers me. Sometimes I wonder whether some of my other cousins do. And unfortunately, I don't remember some of my cousins either. I haven't see one of my cousins for a good 7 years or something like that, and I doubt I'll ever be able to recognize him.
But I was really happy to see my grandfather. I don't think he's doing too well, though. He sounds like he's choking a lot.

Anyways, I brought back lots of good food from Toronto that I can share with you. Especially some good all dressed chips. I already ate a lot of them already, they are just that tasty. I brought back some chocolate, too, but not a lot. Just a bag of small Aero bars and Smarties and Coffee crisp. It's one of those Haloween bags.
And I also bought a neat clock in Chinatown. It's green and in the shape of a treble clef. You guys should see it, once I put it up.

Overall, I think my trip was pretty nice, despite the weather. I even found out that I know more Chinese than I thought I did. Well, either that or I just guess well. Or maybe both. :)

Hello from Toronto

I'm here in Toronto, freezing my butt off as usual. It's been nothing but freezing cold rain up here, but I suppose that's to be expected, considering it's Canada. It's always cold this time of year. At least it's not snowing!

I've already bought myself some good pencil crayons, and had some good food. And I bought lots of Smartees and Aero bars for you guys. And All Dressed chips for myself :)

I miss you guys lots already. I thought we were all going to hang out yesterday. Oh well. I hope we'll hang out when I get back Wednesday. Or I can call you guys or something. I found out I don't have to pay for roaming! But of course, being up here, I've had to make several long distance calls. I think my cell phone bill's gonna be expensive this month.

Hope you guys will all have lots of fun the first half of the week. Plus, you know, getting everything done, too. I still need to read East of Eden....

Note to Self

This weekend I saw a couple chick flicks, which is usually what I'm not so into. But they were pretty good. And I don't know why, but the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants made me extremely teary. I cried through probably half the movies. I had to pause the movie to go run for tissues at one point. Which is weird, considering I'm pretty sure I wasn't getting all emotional when I watched it in the theater. Maybe watching it alone has a different effect on me. So note to self: next time I watch it, I should have tissues with me. I also noticed that Kostos isn't as good looking as I thought he was. Elizabethtown was nice too, although I don't think Orlando Bloom acted well. But I thought it eerie how I made so many connections. About a love movie. Especially this one part about a guy named Ben....You should all go see Elizabethtown. It made me realize that there's no point in denying my feelings towards the guy I know, even though I want to pound his head open.

Another note to self: when running, it would be a generally good idea if you stretch before you run. And after, too. I ran, what, a quarter of a lap and walked the rest? And I'm a tad sore. Pitiful, just pitiful. I'm so out of shape!!
:(

Listen to Your Heart

I think that if it could, my heart would leap out of my chest and start beating me around the head, yelling, "Stop being in denial!". Of course, my brain would, as always, tell me to ignore it and move on, like I usually do. But I think sometimes, I should just listen to my heart and just admit my feelings. Maybe if I did that, I would actually not have issues. For once.
But I'd have to say, for me, I doubt there's any love waiting for me here. Especially at Smoky. I mean, come on. So I guess I'll just have to wait for St. Louis. And I noticed. I think I've got a thing for Asians. Actually, more like Oriental people. What's up with that?
Ok, and why do people obsess over my flute? It's a freaking instrument that I play! I cringe when people try and put it together. I had to give a 'performance' yesterday after Science Bowl. It sucked. And I don't know why anyone would want to play it backwards. That's so stupid...

Pound It

This week has been awesome. Again, nothing big, but pretty sweet. It went by in a blur, always a good thing. But watching Equilibrium in TOK was nice and relaxing, plus all the chocolate :). Band hasn't been as stressful as it usually is, and I think I'm getting better at tuning (about time). Alicia and I have pretty sweet orchestra parts. We've little solos that overlap each other, kinda like a duet, i guess. You guys should come and check it out, and see Ozzie too. And I did well on that bio lab, and I have an A in English finally! For me, that's pretty good. Food Friday was nice. I hope we continue that. I felt pretty smart in English too, after we watched the beginning of Hamlet 2000, 'cause the stuff that the other people brought up I thought of too. I think I'm getting better in English. Add that to getting 2 questions right in science bowl (pretty good, considering it's me), plus today's Model UN, and I think my self-confidence took a boost this week. Abhi and I did pretty well for going in blind. Pound it.

But then again, I was thinking about what I said Friday, and I think a lot of my issues about my stupid life are my fault. That's a depressing thought, because I think I've just dug myself into a hole that might to be too big to get out of. Erg.