Inexplainable Thoughts

I think cold medicine makes me weird, very emotional and hyper. Almost like other like other times this semester.
I'm so relieved that school is over. But I'm even more relieved that although I never found that balance, I was still able to please my parents with decent grades and please myself by having a little more fun. Must work on more of a balance though, but I think that has to come with figuring out myself a little better. But that's for the two weeks I have before work starts: figuring out myself. I still haven't figured out what I want yet, even though I have decided what I want to do for the summer:
scrapbooking
clubbing
Elitch's
sleeping
reading
watching the movies i never got around to watching before
and of course catching up with everyone.
I feel so guilty that I haven't really been keeping in touch with everyone. I'm so bad with that, and then I feel as though I'm not sure what parts of my life to open up and what parts to keep hidden away. And I have a bunch of feelings and thoughts that I don't even think I could possibly put down into words. Do you ever feel like that? Like there are thoughts and emotions that just can't be expressed, only felt. I feel as though the power behind them would be lost by trying to explain them somehow. And the fact that I can't capture them almost scares me because I won't be able to remember it later on. I don't want them to fade away, like how things disappear in my mind right before I go to sleep, or right before I wake up. If I could explain my thoughts then maybe I'd be able to figure out what they all mean.

Random Thoughts

Hmmm, I'm very moody, up and down up and down :) Why is it always so hard to focus when we have beautiful weather outside? I just want to sit outside all day long and play. And therefore I'm already breaking my resolution to stop being stupid and start studying hard.
It's time to follow everyone's advice and start doing the things that are better for me, and let go of the troublemakers.

A Plethora of Stupid Things

Sometimes change isn't always for the better. I think I've changed too much this past semester. I've had a lot more fun than first semester, met some awesome people, and I'm totally loving the college experience.
But I think I swung too much the other way. I lost that 'good girl' image in my head, and I don't know who I am without it. Here I am frowning at people who don't seem to care a lot about their schoolwork and just party instead, and then I kinda go and do the same thing.
I should have studied yesterday, and not hung out. With anybody. Maybe it's time to revert back into my hiding place of last semester, and not do so many stupid things. With a lot of fun comes a lot of awkward moments. I'm not sure I regret all of it, just a little of it. But I think for the last week and a half, I need to change my ways, and change who I've become.

Hyperspeed

Do you ever feel like sometimes the world is moving too fast around you and you can't keep up? I don't know what's happened, like I missed a huge chunk of my life of something. Like I'm glued down to the floor, just cemented there. I'm a spectator and nothing helps. I've determined that tylenol is one of those guesswork objects. When it helps, I can't help but wonder if the tylenol really worked, or if my malady just went away on its own. But I'm a trusting gal, i think. Maybe it really did help my monstrous stomachache tonight. If tylenol could slow everything down, then it'd truly be a wonder pill. But until then, can someone lend my a hammer, or maybe a chisel, so I can hack away at the cement that's glued my feet to the sidewalk?

Growing up

After surviving one semester of college, I realized how it really was a form of survival for me. I wasn't very bright when I picked my courses. It was kinda weird, since the classes that I thought would be easy were hard, and the classes I thought would be hard were easy.
At first thought, college sucked. I think it kinda messed me up in the following ways:
flute playing, which totally went down the drain :(
origami folding
sleeping...i turned into one of those people who'd fall asleep in the middle of the afternoon a lot
my sanity... i starting laughing in the middle of my bio final. at freaking 7:30 in the morning. because i had no clue what i was doing. i dont know what i was thinking. and im surprised i didnt get in trouble.

But, then (actually just now), I realized that college was pretty frickin awesome, too:
a handful of good friends
more independence, which i hear is a good thing later on in life. ive always been really dependent on other people, even just for simple things, like asking for stuff before.
happy random moments...lunch conversations, being late to class, laughing with friends, and those random coincidences that make me wonder if it's fate.

What doesnt kill u makes u stronger right? Well, I'm certainly not dead yet, so I guess I'm stronger after 3 and a half months of survival.

I feel as though ive grown two inches :)

Tomorrow Another Day

havent posted in a while...one more thing ive suppressed. I guess this pent up geyser's finally blown the top off me. Life sucks when you don't deal with it. It's one of those things you put off and put off and don't deal with until everything finally catches up with you. I've held things in too long, havent dealt with things since like march, and everything has just built up and added to the pain. But listening to good music late at nite with a coke and just thinking things through have that nice calming effect. I never realized how important it is to sit and think about everything, and be a little selfish for a bit. I've always tried to think of tomorrow as another day, and I have to admit, the past 45 minutes have felt better, maybe because it's a new day, maybe because thinking, coke and music is a good cure for depression, or maybe because things always get bad first before they get better.

1950s Housewife

After watching Mona Lisa Smile, I've realized I would've never made it in the 1950s. And being the sort of depressed guy-hater that I am, this was probably not the best movie for me to watch. But I can't imagine having to pretend to fake smile while knowing that your guy is a cheating liar. I couldn't put up with it. Plus, I'm not really the best cook around, knowing only how to make pasta, chicken, and quesadillas. I would die as a 1950s housewife.
So all in all, I'm a whole lot more appreciative of being brought up in a new decade, new century, new millenium. Where things aren't just about getting married and...cooking. Not that I want to be a lawyer from Yale, like the movie. Honestly, I'm not even sure that I'd make a good doctor. And considering my lovely fainting spell yesterday, maybe my nerves won't be able to handle it either. Well, nerves, or intense pain in a skinny body. But I do love the choices that we have. Maybe I'll be a pharmacologist instead. Anything but a 1950s housewife.

Eh?

Whenever I head back to Toronto, I always lapse back into my odd words and habits. It's all back to pencil crayons and such. And no matter how much I deny that Canadians do not go around saying Eh? all the time, some do, like my aunt. And thus I go around saying eh? at the end of a sad majority of my sentences whenever I'm there. I'll probably have to consciously remind myself to not tack that on at the end for a week until it's no longer a bad habit, like biting nails or something.
I think one of the nicest things about going to Toronto all the time besides seeing my relatives is that Toronto is so big that I feel like I'm seeing new things all the time. I went back to the Royal Ontario Museum again after like 4 years, and it's quite nice, except for the fact that my favorite exhibit, the awesome dinosaur one, was closed for renovation. Grrr... but it was nice to take the trolley car and subway by myself for the first time. Public transportation is so much better up there. And I learned that lacrosse, not hockey surprisingly, is Canada's national sport. Pretty weird,eh? But it's a tribute to the Native American people. If you ask me, they should add hockey, considering that's what everyone believes in Canada's national sport anyway.
But what's not so fun about traveling is all the fun you miss back home. I cant believe i missed dragonboat racing. :( And I gots to be reading all my college mail, and practice for my dang audition. I was very happy to find that I got a single room with a bath, though. Makes me more excited for the end of August.

It's Like Riding a Bicycle...

...you never forget. And it's true, I guess. After like 7 years I finally got on a bike again. My sister's bike, actually. And it was quite an experience. I couldn't adjust my bike, much to my anger and frustration. I need some sort of hexagonal shaped screwdriver. I tried a bunch of different things. One hexagonal one was too small. The other was too big. A hexagonal screw head didn't fit either. Erg. So I adjusted my sister's bike, but I thought it was still too tall for me. I mean, I can barely put my toes down. And then Ian said it was too low! And I couldn't shift gears with my left hand, making Ian think I was nuts again.
But all in all, it was pretty nice. Well, the middle part anyway, after I finally caught up to Himanshu and Ian, who pretty much left me behind in the dust all the way up until we reached the freaking marina. But we saw 6 deer, some rabbits, a yellow bird, dragonflies, ladybugs, and a whole lot of mosquitos. The deer were the best part, i think. I was having lots of fun, actually, up until I got the freaking flat tire. And then that really sucked, because it totally busted. So Himanshu and I basically walked from the Cherry Creek Reservoir to my house wheeling our bikes. Not so much fun :( That took forever, especially in the heat.

I think the best thing, though, was how kind people are. Some people stopped to see if they could help us as we were walking, offering services and just seeing if we were okay. Just that simple, 'are you guys okay?' really touched my heart. Because it made me realize that there are so many kind and generous, beautiful people in this world. Sometimes, in looking at the world and all the tension, conflict, bombings and wars, it's hard to remember that.

But overall, it was nice to remember that, above all else, it is true that you don't ever forget how to ride a bicycle ;)

The World on Shuffle

I love to listen to my ipod on shuffle. It makes me appreciate songs I forgot I had and listen to songs I doubt I've really heard before. And it's made me realize how much freaking linkin park is on it, for some odd reason. And most of all, I love the randomness of it, a love song played after death metal. Death Cab for Cutie and then Converge and Michael Buble. I've always liked my world neat and orderly. Planned and scheduled. I hated when people sprang their plans on me without at least a day or 6 hours in advance. But I thnk random events, little surprises make life interesting, and those spontaneous moments are what I remember most.
Like trips to visit mainstreet Parker, sipping Italian sodas at Borders, or even playing Gauntlet Legends for hours, even though it's quite a weird game.
I think it's made me think about what I want to do in college. And looking back on high school, I tried a lot of different things. But the thing I think i most regret is the fact that I drop some stuff that I really loved. Track and field in middle school, and soccer after freshman year. Sports, in general. I used to be pretty athletic and a serious runner, and I miss that, I really do. So I've decided that I will do some sort of sport at CU. Maybe not a club sport because I'm too stingy and refuse to pay the insane $125 or whatever fee for soccer, but maybe intramural soccer. Intramural coed soccer even. Or maybe try the intramural ice hockey team, if I ever learn how to skate backwards. With a stick in my hand too. I dont want to stay the complete nerd with only a majority of my trophies coming from math and debating. I want some athletic ones too.
I'm sad to realize that I don't have much more of my summer left, especially with my trip to Toronto coming in the middle of it. Erg. But I've decided that I've been far too serious a person for as long as I can remember. So I'm going to put my world on shuffle, and see what randomness comes up next.

Aaarrrgghh!!!

I'm going to miss rowing this year!!! *Tears*

9 Years and Counting...

It's so weird...I have been here for exactly 9 years. I can't believe it's been so long! It feels like only 6 or 7 years, and half my relatives feel like that too. They were so shocked to hear it's been 9 years. Holy smokes.

What's also weird was the dream I had a couple days ago. It was so freaking scary. It was about some sort of Chinese mafia/gang that was after my family. There were assassins dressed up as nuns shooting at us, we were hiding in trees, trying to escape some Chinese city dressed in other people's clothing and using fake passports...not fun. If all dreams are some sort of subconscious message, I wonder what mine would be.

On Toronto...

So 6 days, 2 dim sums in a row at the same restaurant, 2 family reunion-barbecues, one funeral and one broken watch later, I'm finally back home. It's good to be back, although it's back to being lazy, unfortunately. I think I might try finding a nice place to volunteer since summer's like half gone already. Where did June go? I seem to have lost part of it...
Being back in Toronto and only seeing my dad's side of the family was a bit weird, considering that whenever I go I usually see more of my mom's side than my dad's. And, not to sound like a mean jerk or anything, but I sort of prefer it that way, since some of my aunts and uncles on my dad's side ignore and make fun of me and my sister for not speaking cantonese, and some of my cousins aren't all that nice either. But I saw some people that I haven't seen in a long, long time so that was nice. I felt a bit guilty at first because I couldn't recognize one of my cousins because I hadn't seen him in like 6 years and I couldn't remember if his name was Harold or Edmund. But it was alright, because he simply ignored everyone so I never talked to him.

But the weirdest part of the trip was the realization that my uncle can't count. And thus confused everyone when he said that there were 8 grandchildren in the family. First of all, there are like 15, but even if you just do the lame Chinese counting way of only counting the kids with the lst name of Chow, there are only 7. My Uncle Da claims that he was going to stand up and protest that 8 grandchildren was wrong, there are only 7, but considering that he can't really count in Chinese, I think he wouldve just confused everyone. And not only that, but according to the uncle giving the eulogy, my grandmother was 84, but if you do simple subtraction from the birth and death dates he gave, technically she's only 82 or 83. I was so lost until my dad reminded me that Chinese people start counting age at 1, so you have to add an extra year on.

At least when I go back to Toronto next month hopefully I'll be able to enjoy things like I usually do.

Friendship

Is it possible to flip out over a favor for a friend? That I haven't known for very long? Aargh! I don't want to investigate any more colleges, even if it's for a friend :( But o well, anything for a friend, even if he still can't get my name spelled correctly, right? Once I decipher the email anyways.

The Healing Process

It's late, so late that it's now the tomorrow I was thinking about a few hours ago. It's only one, but I haven't been up this late in a while, doing nothing but thinking, but it's doing me some good. At least I'd like to think so. Perhaps i'm finally healing.

Two and a half hours later,I'm finally able to breathe normally. My nose is not so plugged up anymore so that I don't need to breathe through my mouth with loud sighs. I had no idea that I might be allergic to cats. Lesson learned. And maybe one I will actually remember, no less.

I just finished reading The Truth About Forever, just to see what the hype was. I think it's going on my list of healing books. True, it's got that sappy romance bit to it, but it's good in the sense that I can relate to parts of it, and that's what makes any book good. And it's gonna help me sew up parts of myself that have been coming undone. It's given me that feel good feeling, and also that feeling like I need to do something to fix my life so that I don't go through the same motions that I just read about. Like it's time to break down a wall. That, and letting loose to someone on a sidewalk late at night for half an hour have done me loads and loads of good. I was reading my finished journal recently, and i realized just how miserable I was freshman year. How I never let loose to anyone back then. I have no freaking clue how I survived. Not a healthy thing to do anymore. Just talking, venting, sharing stories and guessing at how to help each other has made me realize how lucky I am to have people to let it all out to. Sure, I've got one of those deep panicky feelings growing, looking at what I need to do tomorrow..er, today, but I know eventually it'll all be better. Taking one step backward to take two steps forward. I know I'm probably going to hurt before I feel better again. But I know that this is just one of life's little lessons. Because I didn't learn it the first time. I think this is my reminder to never forget, since it's much harder the second time around. But this time i think i've got it right. Hopefully.

I've been listening to Panic! At the Disco's "I write sins, not tragedies", and I keep thinking about the part that goes something about closing the God damn doorknob, and for some reason it keeps sticking with me. I think this year I've reopened a door that I should've kept closed one too many times, and another time someone else opened it. But I think this time, I've closed it for sure. Cemented it shut, really. I really messed it up before, but I think I've gotten my priorities and my feelings all straightened out. And man, it's a huge load off.

It's kind of weird how fast feelings change, about stuff. Like when you discover that you don't like something you used to love, and you wonder when that happened. Or when you realized that people you were friends with long ago have become simply 'acquaintances' or simply someone u used to know. Even with my clothes. I was at Old Navy today, and I bought a skirt. A mini skirt, too, no less. And tonight, after walking in my door at 10:30, I was wondering why I had bought it. To impress people? To look 'cute'? Why? I mean, i don't think I've ever possessed a jean skirt, or a skirt that goes above my knees. And honestly, I have no idea why I wanted such a radical change from my usual jeans.

I think the big thing, the main thing behind it all, was that this summer didn't start the way i had wanted it to. Kind of like in Truth About Forever, I think I wanted things to start out perfect, even though perfect is unachievable. But spending half the night during the grad party looking at the stars,and reading books and watching good movies and doing nothing but talking, venting, thinking has really opened my eyes. And I'm not going to close them again.

My Transition Chapter

It took some doing, but I finally finished my journal that I kept all throughout high school. I think it was sort of fitting that I ran out of room and ended my last page with graduation, kind of like I closed that chapter of my life. I read part of it last night, and I have to admit, parts of it were so hilarious because I'm glad to think that I've matured greatly since freshman year. Not to say that I'm not an idiot anymore, because sometimes I am. And always will be. Just a lot less so.
I'm thinking of looking at summer as my transition, the bridge chapter of my life. Unfortunately, it hasn't exactly started as well as I had liked, but hey, it's only the beginning, right? I've felt left out of the loop for so long, I want to focus on getting back into it. I can't go off to school by myself with ragged friendship bonds, can I? That would just be so depressing. No, I need to make them all nice and tight again. I think my problem has been that I've become very good at self-denial. I've built this wall up around me and it needs to come down. I think I'm too introverted, and while this isn't all that bad, it can be pretty self-destructing. I know it sounds pretty corny and ridiculous, but I think the problem is that I need to really come to terms with myself these two months. And break down that wall. And come to love myself. I don't think I really have, because my self-confidence has been shot this year with all the highs and lows. So this time, I want to focus on the highs. And build up from there. This summer, I want to be happy, and do lots of things I haven't done before. Like learn how to knit and go to a concert.

On a completely random thought, let me just say that Triveni is very very creepy when playing Mortal Kombat. Triv, you are shockingly vicious. ;) What a hilarious afternoon, from learning new fighting moves to being magical archers and jesters throwing bombs and swords and arrows at weird blue farmer zombies. We should do that again :)

One of those days

Today is just one of those days, those unproductive days where I feel like a bum, angry and frustrated. At what, I do not know. I tried to watch one of the movies on my summer list, but I couldn't get through it. Honestly, I don't really know why I borrowed it exactly, seeing as how it's a romance movie. And the book was long, and at times, sort of boring. I think I've got to be in the right sort of mood to watch it. My I'm-so-happy-with-life mood, which, needless to say, I definitely am not in right now. I think I've shifted into a what-the-heck-is-wrong-with-me sort of mood. But I can't put my feelings into words. I have no idea where my frustration is coming from, but I definitely felt really really irked this morning. Maybe because I felt left out as usual, I don't know. But I wish I did. I think I've lost my ability to sort things out. Or maybe, I think I've just put up a wall around myself and I'm in self-denial about things. Because honestly, half the things I think about I really have no idea if they're true or not. And everytime someone asks me a question that should be yes or no, I constantly find myself shifting towards the grey area in a matter that should be black or white.
I have come to the conclusion that this week, though fun and exciting and half over, is going to be sort of nervewracking. Eek! I can't believe we're graduating in TWO days. Holy smokes, guys.

Random Thoughts

All this graduation business got me thinking. Thinking about where I would be if I hadn't made the choices I did, and if, given the chance, I would still make the same choices. It's weird to realize the impact of decision, one action. Last week I was looking up how to find my IB score online and came across the official IBO site, and it listed all the IB schools. And the school I would have gone to, Sir Winston Churchill, was up there too. Given the chance, I'm not sure I would do IB again, but had I stayed up in Calgary, I'm sure I would have done IB. And it was disturbing in a weird sort of way to realize that on the same days and the same time, I would have been taking the exact same tests, but a country away. Well, minus French as my language B, 'cause I doubt that'd be allowed. But you can test in Chinese. It saddens me to realize that I could've come that much closer to my roots. I always wanted to learn Cantonese, and I'm not saying that I won't, but it would've been much easier had I stayed up there. But I'm up to that challenge. Anyways, thinking about that high school up in Calgary made me remember when I was a little kid. It made me start thinking about my friends again. And lo and behold, I found one. My best friend, Paul, who is about to graduate too, from Sir Winston Churchill. But none of my other friends are there. It makes me sad that I don't know where any of them are anymore, that I didn't keep in touch. And it made me wonder what would've happen if I stayed. Would I have the same best friend? Would I have still been the popular (so weird, I know) kid in our grade? One of the smartest people? I don't know. It's interesting but pointless to think about. But it makes me wonder if I should try to get back into touch, even though I'm hopeless at penpals. Though most of these failures aren't really my fault, since I keep writing but no one answers.

Anyways, it's also so weird to realize how old we are. Most, but not all, of us are already adults. My sister is 20. It sounds like such an old, mature, age, and I suppose it does make since, but I really can't see her as that old already. I can't imagine any of us as 17, 18 year olds. Where did all the years go? I honestly can't believe we're graduating in like 5 days. I also can't believe that most of us also do not get to walk in with the rest of our class. It hasn't hit me yet that after this week, we will rarely, if ever, walk into SHHS again. Never do WAC again. I might never play the flute again. It's just weird, the things you miss. I can't believe that I'm missing band...the class everyone's constantly heard me complain about it. But I do. And I miss Mr. K's random comments about life. Because sometimes, especially once, they've come in handy. It sounds stupid, but some have them have kept me alive.

But I think I've gotten enough from Smoky Hill in four year, and I'm ready to move on and move out. Starting college is like having a clean slate, but not quite. It's like starting over, but with more knowledge to keep the good things and erase the bad. It's like a perfect slate with all your good qualities but none of your bad yet. And though it won't stay that way forever, it's nice to know that at least you're starting out that way. I like that. Maybe this time around it won't take me four years to discover myself. Maybe this time I can start out that way and be able to start from where I left off. I know it's completely cliche, but people aren't kidding when they say high school is where you find yourself. But for me, it was so true. I just wish it didn't take me so long to realize my potential. But on the positive, I'm sure glad I did.

I feel like kicking something. Good and hard. Anything. Well, anything except a bucket, of course. Sigh. Years from now when Im a doctor, I'm gonna go and rub it in Wash U's face. I keep playing Bad Day and Better Days. They make me feel so much better.

Breaking through the layers

I think all my energy's dried up. I don't know what's happened to me. I'm too lazy to even write in my journal. I haven't written in it since like December. Not good.
I'm so thankful for my sister. Since she came home yesterday I've been blessfully reminded of why it's so nice to have a sibling, especially an older one. And not just because she can take the load off me washing dishes and washing the rice and petty stuff like that. No, she's always there to talk to, which is good especially now that I've become too lazy to write in my journal. Because I know more than anyone know how dangerous it can be to hold things in. Yesterday we were watching Numbers together and instead of paying attention we just sat there talking and stuff. About everything. Everything and anything. It was such a nice feeling, to crack through a layer of myself and feel fresh again. I miss that, having a sister to talk to whenever. It made me realize that no matter how close you are to home, it's still different. I've realized that staying here for college is still a new experience, cause we're gonna be a whole lot more independent. I'm excited for that, but a bit worried, too. I don't know how to handle that extra responsibility though. But I do think it'll be nice to break out of another layer of my shell. I don't think I do that often enough, and maybe one day I'll hatch out completely as one awesome person. We'll have to see.

Counting the Days

I was listening to one of my favorite songs, Counting the Days, and I realized that I've been counting the days too, but until graduation. Until we're done. 10 school days til we get out of school. 3 weeks til graduation. And that's it. And to be honest, that makes me so excited, but it also scares the heck out of me. Because when I go to college, I'm not going to see my friends, the best friends that saw me through middle and high school. Who were always there for me. I'm scared we're going to drift apart. I'm scared that we've already begun to drift apart, and I don't want that to happen. We always pictured years ago that we'd be friends forever, even to adulthood. But I feel as though I've slowly floated away from our group, and I want to find a way back in. I don't think I've had one of those long chats about what's going on in our lives that used to be so frequent with some people in probably years. I don't want to be out of the loop anymore, and with each day, I feel as though I'm getting more and more disconnected. I don't want to count the days anymore until I find my connection again.

The Smart Choices

Last weekend I stayed up till midnite watching some stupid, predictable romance movie, Celeste in the City. Who has a name like Celeste nowadays anyways? Unless ur in France, of course. But while I was sitting there laughing at how it was just like the typical geek-gets-makeover-and-finds-true-love movie, I realized that there was something to learn there. Well, mainly the typical don't go for the first guy who pays attention to u because he may be a jerk. Which I sorta knew-ish. It was so laughable in such a movie, because it had to be the most obvious thing, and she missed it. But after what was most definitely the most stressful week of my entire life, I've decided that I better start making smarter choices.
Such as being nicer to people and not being a hypocrite. Such as stop hurting my friends by trying to hang on to people I know I shouldnt. Which I should probably do right now.Such as stop STRESSING and acting like an idiot all the time. Which will probably never be possible, but I think any sort of reduction in my pessimistic stressing would be a plus. Sometimes I wonder if I was not myself if I would be friends with me. If I was judging by this week, I would say 'not really.' So let's hope I can turn it around with one relaxing weekend. So to all my friends: so so soooo sorry for being a brat and an awful friend this week.

It's All About What's Meant to Be

It kind of sucks how things don't turn out the way you want them to. It was so depressing to come back from what was probably the best week of my life in Russia to come back to all the disappointment from colleges. I was/am so happy for everyone who got into where they wanted, for everyone who had lots of good choices and options, but I guess I couldn't help being jealous. Jealous of everyone who got into where I really wanted to go. And depressed to be left here. Depressed about how that stupid witch told me I was throwing my life away by staying here to go to CU. Depressed that my Russian buddy has not written me back even though I wrote like 2 weeks ago almost, and depressed how I can't seem to get back to that level of happiness I had there. But this week I stayed much more positive and optimistic, and not only am I so much happier now, but I realized that maybe it's just what's meant to be and that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I'm meant to not have a prom date. Maybe I'm meant to learn something from all this. Maybe staying here is what I need for myself, and looking over the mountains I've seen my whole life will somehow hem up my raw edges. I think I believe in fate, and maybe my fate's here if I just make the best of it. :)

St Petersburg

Holy smokes was Russia so much fun! In a weird way I sort of miss it there, though it is nice to be back home too. But in Russia I didn't feel all stressed out, and I could just let the happiness wash over me. It was really depressing to come back here and find out about all the disappointing colleges. St Petersburg was so pretty that I could forget about how much quicker I'm going to die from all the smoke inhalation and the cold and almost getting run over by cars. St Petersburg was all about the enthusiastic crowds, the museums, the architecture, the cool Russian accent that our guides and the Russian guys we met had, and the palaces. I must've taken a good 250 pictures. But most of them are of the architecture and palaces. Just to walk where the czars have been was so amazing. And to play in the same concert hall where Rachmaninov (sp?) and other famous composers have played was so musically gratifying, especially getting an encore and a standing o. The best two concerts I've played in my life. Not my personal playing best, as usual, but the audiences were so enthusiastic. Much better than playing in a high school auditorium for parents that are only going to see their children.
You guys would be so proud of me. I'm becoming much more self-confident, and at our party on Wednesday with the Russian band we played with, it didn't take the entire night for me to finally talk to someone for once. I mingled quite well, if I do say so myself. And I got to know more people in our band, too. So I'm not as big an outsider in the band now, which is a bit late now, but still better late than never. And I'm going to try the long distance correspondance thing with a few of the people I met and see how that works out.
I think the most disappointing thing though is how we have to go through daylight savings time AGAIN (it's a week earlier in Russia, so we already had one). And the fact that as much as I disliked my band teacher, I dislike him even more now. But oh well. I wish I could've just stayed in Russia and dealt with the gross bathrooms and smoke just so I wouldn't have to come home to all the work, but I think I would've just missed you guys too much ;)

Too loaded

Why is it that everytime we get one large thing off our plates, another new thing gets loaded back on it? Now, even breaks are stressful because there's still so much to do. I find it quite depressing. I am happy that IAs are done. But now there's case writing for state, case writing for nat quals, all that cas report junk, and last minute things for Russia. And after spring break, I don't think there are any more holidays. It sort of makes me wish I wasn't going anywhere spring break. Then I'd be able to enjoy the quiet nothingness of it. But then again, I won't be lacking in fun in Russia. Or at least I hope I won't. At least until all that jet lag sets in.

Waves

Is it possible to run out of tears? To dry yourself out for a time? I think I did last night while watching the Sisterhood. That movie hits me every time with this huge emotional wave. There are some things that come too close to my life than I'd like. Bad Day by Daniel Powter has become my new favourite song. Not because I constantly have bad days, though they could be better, but because it's just so inspirational and relaxing, and whenever I hear it, it helps me pick myself up.
I think it is so sad that sometimes, tragedy doesn't bring a disfunctional family together but just rips them further apart. It's like just when you think things relationships can't get much worse, they do. I can't believe how everything can happen all at once. There's just no break to try and prepare for the next wave. Too bad I wasn't a girl scout. I'm never prepared for anything.

Like Lena

This past month's been like a blur, like I'd rather forget about it all. If I were on a roller coaster, it's like I've been brought to a screaming halt on my way back up to the top. I can't believe how I almost lost it a couple weeks ago. I can't believe how stupid I was for trying to go out on a limb for an idiot. But at least I see that now. I just reread the Sisterhood books. I feel like Lena, minus being an artist. And the whole ravishing beauty part. But in the sense of being the quiet one, the one who never expresses her feelings. I wish I could find the same courage she did to go out and finally be able to say something to set everything straight. I know that Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind," but I feel as though if I actually say what I feel I am going to hurt people, and be left with maybe half the friends I started with.
It's not just that I'm left behind in the shuffle, I guess I'm just confused within myself, too. I feel as though I'm just forgotten, because anything I'm good at, someone's better. And I know that's just the way it's always going to be. But anything I achieve, it's a bigger thing for someone else. I guess I'm feeling jealous. Jealous at everyone for knowing who they are already while I don't, and jealous for everyone who knows how to get their own spotlight. I don't think I've figured that out yet. Maybe that should be my goal for the rest of the year.

Blargh

So...the Snowflake Shake. I honestly wonder whether my somewhat pessimistic energy came back to haunt me the other day, because I really wasn't looking forward to it. And things that I was hoping wouldn't happen, of course, did happen. Naturally. I think it was worse than homecoming. I knew my moodiness was a bad thing! All day Friday I was in one of those moody I-don't want-to-do-anything sort of moods, and I ended up watching tv the entire day pretty much, even though there was nothing on. Seriously, I ended up watching some stupid disney channel musical thing on. The disney channel. Ick.
But anyways, the moments leading up to the dance were awesome. Casablanca was the neatest experience I've had in a while. Except I'm not sure about the girls being butterflies thing. And the fact that it was a bit expensive. But it was pretty worth it in the end.

But besides getting to the dance an hour before it ended, in the first two minutes upon arriving, I saw BOTH people I really would have preferred avoiding. Just my luck, of course.

And again, the songs? Not so great. So I think I've got to agree with Rabs... prom? My only reason for going would be for that awesome double decker bus. Because prom's too much of a date thing. Blargh.

Out With the Old

As 2005 comes to a close, as well as our winter break :(, I was thinking. 2006 is the year we finally graduate, and I never thought that year would come. I remember in fifth grade, my GT teacher was writing me a note saying how she would see me graduate in 2006, and I couldn't believe how long away that was. Everything seems so long ago and yet most of it happened so quickly it's now a blur. Odd, isn't it? Even this year has seemed long, but short at the same time.

I look back at 2005, and I don't know, lots of new things happened, lots of drama and stuff, but I still feel like the same old person. I don't think I've changed much, really. I mean, I still lack common sense, I'm still feeling continually stressed out, I'm still single, and I'm still hanging out with the same people. I think year 16 was sort of boring for me. It was still lots of fun and all, but it didn't really seem all that special to me. I mean, after prom was a sort of fiasco at the beginning, and summer was a bit tense. Homecoming I had a date, but it wasn't all that spectacular, and now the year's ending! And this break I didn't get a chance to do half the stuff I wanted to. College apps ruined the entire freaking break. That and Age of Innocence. O, and the lack of snow. It's sorta hard to build a snowman without the snow.
Maybe 2006 will bring me some better luck.

Home Sweet Home

Now that I've been back for a few days, I have to say that I appreciate Colorado and all it's beauty a whole lot more. Raleigh was nice, but by the end of the 4 days I was kinda sick of all the dead trees. I'm sure they're nice in the spring when they're all blooming and all, but right now they're sorta depressing. And at night it gets a bit creepy. And Raleigh is a bit dead. I mean, there's no rush hour traffic. No hectic bumper to bumper frustration trying to get home, like there was today after I was gift shopping for my mom. And I guess North Carolina must be pretty religious, because Sunday morning everything was dead. Completely shut down.
So all in all, I know that Denver's not the most exciting city to live in, but it sure is more exciting than Raleigh. And I have realized that between lots of trees and lots of mountains, I sure as heck prefer the mountains. :) Maybe Denver's not so bad after all...

The Image

I can't believe how uptight and self-conscious I've been lately, always worried about how people see me and what they think. Like how panicked I was when I found out about those lovely little rumors. And debate. I look back at debate last week and then I was all concerned about that mean Wheat Ridge team and what I possibly did to piss her off. But now I couldn't care less... Lots of people have probably felt the same way about me as that girl did, I just haven't heard about it. There's more to life than what people think of you. Thank God.

Looking at Rohini's picture of the picnic got me thinking about this year. I think the college apps and whatnot has sorta ruined the picture, but things haven't been so bad. A lot of the things I was kind of moody about, like Homecoming, were so stupid. It makes me laugh. I was so immature to let stuff like that get to me. But I think I've learned my lesson. Reminiscing has also made me realize that I've been missing out. A month ago I was hanging out with friends on the weekends, going to late night movies. Now, I've been reduced to studying and daydreaming, even on my birthday. Ick...I do not want to be a nerd. What happened to singing at the top of my lungs to random songs, and driving around with no place in particular to go?

I think this Winter Break I'm just going to be like a kid again. I want to make snow angels and make snowmen on my front lawn with rocks hidden inside to prevent kids from kicking it down like I used to. I want to drink hot chocolate while reading and watching the snow fall... I want to live the perfect image of winter.

My Discoveries

So I was thinking today, and I've realized a lot of things recently that I should've learned a long time ago. For example:
1) When I am playing by myself in band, it could just be that I have a solo, and not the fact that I am playing in the wrong place.
2) I can hum much better than I can sing.
3) I like to sing and hum, even though I suck (I've always knew this, I just reaffirmed this today).
4) Same applies for my dancing.
5) I am one crazy driver sometimes. Tires squealing and all. And apparently I ran a red light on Thursday. Bad me.
6) I do lots of planning, but I never carry out my plans. i.e. I am a chicken. :(
7) If I don't think about being sick, I feel relatively symptom free. If I think about being sick, I'm constantly sniffling and hacking. Not good.
8) I don't care about grades as much as I used to, like in bio, which is always a good thing. Didn't do so well in the bio lab, but I'm not stressing about. And anyways, half her complaints about the order which I stapled my stuff was all her fault, considering she was the one who stapled my lab in the first place.
9) I can be a pretty big flirt sometimes. But, there lots of other people who flirt a whole lot more than I do. Which is good and bad.
10) I am completely awful with directions. Again, I always knew this, it just got reaffirmed recently. I can barely remember which direction the sun rises and sets let alone know which way is north and south on a road. I should probably work on that. But in spite of this, I haven't really been lost once. I think I'm really lucky. Always a plus. :)

The Real Me

Is it possible for me to not really know who I am yet? Sometimes I feel like I'm just an empty shell with no substance inside. Then again, I can suprise myself with what I can do. It's kind of funny. The older I get, the more confused I am. I wonder if it's the same as that one saying about how the more you know, the less you realize that you know. Or something like that.
And it makes me kind of sad, because if I don't even know myself, then I don't know if anyone else really knows me either. I mean, how can anyone know me, if I don't even know myself?

Rescue Me

I think daylight savings time is gonna save me today. It was such a relief to wake up and realize that I've got an extra hour, 'cause I need it to write my college essays, and do my physics lab, and my physics homework, and my extended essay, and so forth. I've got too many ands on my list for my liking. I've never procrastinated so much! It's quite depressing for me. But I suppose to you guys, I've just finally become normal. ;)

Fall break just wasn't as fun and relaxing as I'd hoped, what with all that homework creeping up at the back of my mind. I haven't had time to do anything that I really wanted to do non-homework-wise. I haven't practiced my flute, which is killing me right now, with All-State coming up, I haven't caught up on sleep, I haven't read anything, I haven't written any poetry, I haven't done anything! I am getting a poem published, though, in the library newletter thing.

I think instead of studying and writing essays the whole day I'm just gonna take a few hours off for some me-time, and color some pictures with my new pencil crayons. I need some creative outlet to rescue me from drowning in textbooks and papers.

The Little Things I've Learned

On my trip, I realized lots of little things, most of them being pretty stupid, naturally. For instance, most of you guys know how my fingers on my right hand creak. Well, I learned that they creak a lot more in cold weather. And that it actually hurts when I do it. Which, now that I think about it, makes a lot of sense. I also learned that a liver is a lot bigger than a lung. Another thing that I was kind of like, 'duh' afterwards, but still... I suppose sometimes I have to act like an idiot in order to remember these sort of things. Now, I also appreciate the lovely Colorado weather. And I never thought I'd be so glad to see the sun. Seriously, I never saw the sun the three days i was in Toronto. It was all cloudy and nothing but cold rain. And St. Louis was sunny, but pretty cold as well. What a relief to come back to nice, pleasant Colorado.

I'm glad to be back here, except for all the reading and unwritten college essays that are waiting for me. I wish I got back here a little sooner. I can't believe it's Thursday already! Ugh. I'm never gonna get anything done. But it was pretty nice to see everyone. My little cousin is so cute! I think he's 3, and it's nice to see that he remembers me. Sometimes I wonder whether some of my other cousins do. And unfortunately, I don't remember some of my cousins either. I haven't see one of my cousins for a good 7 years or something like that, and I doubt I'll ever be able to recognize him.
But I was really happy to see my grandfather. I don't think he's doing too well, though. He sounds like he's choking a lot.

Anyways, I brought back lots of good food from Toronto that I can share with you. Especially some good all dressed chips. I already ate a lot of them already, they are just that tasty. I brought back some chocolate, too, but not a lot. Just a bag of small Aero bars and Smarties and Coffee crisp. It's one of those Haloween bags.
And I also bought a neat clock in Chinatown. It's green and in the shape of a treble clef. You guys should see it, once I put it up.

Overall, I think my trip was pretty nice, despite the weather. I even found out that I know more Chinese than I thought I did. Well, either that or I just guess well. Or maybe both. :)

Hello from Toronto

I'm here in Toronto, freezing my butt off as usual. It's been nothing but freezing cold rain up here, but I suppose that's to be expected, considering it's Canada. It's always cold this time of year. At least it's not snowing!

I've already bought myself some good pencil crayons, and had some good food. And I bought lots of Smartees and Aero bars for you guys. And All Dressed chips for myself :)

I miss you guys lots already. I thought we were all going to hang out yesterday. Oh well. I hope we'll hang out when I get back Wednesday. Or I can call you guys or something. I found out I don't have to pay for roaming! But of course, being up here, I've had to make several long distance calls. I think my cell phone bill's gonna be expensive this month.

Hope you guys will all have lots of fun the first half of the week. Plus, you know, getting everything done, too. I still need to read East of Eden....

Note to Self

This weekend I saw a couple chick flicks, which is usually what I'm not so into. But they were pretty good. And I don't know why, but the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants made me extremely teary. I cried through probably half the movies. I had to pause the movie to go run for tissues at one point. Which is weird, considering I'm pretty sure I wasn't getting all emotional when I watched it in the theater. Maybe watching it alone has a different effect on me. So note to self: next time I watch it, I should have tissues with me. I also noticed that Kostos isn't as good looking as I thought he was. Elizabethtown was nice too, although I don't think Orlando Bloom acted well. But I thought it eerie how I made so many connections. About a love movie. Especially this one part about a guy named Ben....You should all go see Elizabethtown. It made me realize that there's no point in denying my feelings towards the guy I know, even though I want to pound his head open.

Another note to self: when running, it would be a generally good idea if you stretch before you run. And after, too. I ran, what, a quarter of a lap and walked the rest? And I'm a tad sore. Pitiful, just pitiful. I'm so out of shape!!
:(

Listen to Your Heart

I think that if it could, my heart would leap out of my chest and start beating me around the head, yelling, "Stop being in denial!". Of course, my brain would, as always, tell me to ignore it and move on, like I usually do. But I think sometimes, I should just listen to my heart and just admit my feelings. Maybe if I did that, I would actually not have issues. For once.
But I'd have to say, for me, I doubt there's any love waiting for me here. Especially at Smoky. I mean, come on. So I guess I'll just have to wait for St. Louis. And I noticed. I think I've got a thing for Asians. Actually, more like Oriental people. What's up with that?
Ok, and why do people obsess over my flute? It's a freaking instrument that I play! I cringe when people try and put it together. I had to give a 'performance' yesterday after Science Bowl. It sucked. And I don't know why anyone would want to play it backwards. That's so stupid...

Pound It

This week has been awesome. Again, nothing big, but pretty sweet. It went by in a blur, always a good thing. But watching Equilibrium in TOK was nice and relaxing, plus all the chocolate :). Band hasn't been as stressful as it usually is, and I think I'm getting better at tuning (about time). Alicia and I have pretty sweet orchestra parts. We've little solos that overlap each other, kinda like a duet, i guess. You guys should come and check it out, and see Ozzie too. And I did well on that bio lab, and I have an A in English finally! For me, that's pretty good. Food Friday was nice. I hope we continue that. I felt pretty smart in English too, after we watched the beginning of Hamlet 2000, 'cause the stuff that the other people brought up I thought of too. I think I'm getting better in English. Add that to getting 2 questions right in science bowl (pretty good, considering it's me), plus today's Model UN, and I think my self-confidence took a boost this week. Abhi and I did pretty well for going in blind. Pound it.

But then again, I was thinking about what I said Friday, and I think a lot of my issues about my stupid life are my fault. That's a depressing thought, because I think I've just dug myself into a hole that might to be too big to get out of. Erg.

Let Me Know About the Little Things

Sometimes I wonder what happened to me since I turned 16. I mean, up until then things were always pretty good, generally speaking. But things just don't turn out the way I hoped anymore. I was trying to fill out the form for teacher recs, and I have no accomplishments. And everything I tried out for last year I didn't get. I guess that's part of growing up, huh. But if that's the case, I'd rather be young and innocent for a little while longer. If someone finds the way to live a good life, let me know.

Actually, until yesterday, my idea of how certain things were going to be were pretty much dashed. Like Homecoming. On the whole, a good, fun time. But somehow, I pictured it to be better than last year's because everyone was coming this time. Not the case. And Friday. Picturing lots of fun for two hours skating, playing laser tag with two friends. You know, a chance for me to hang out with different people for a change. Reality: two boring hours sitting at a desk daydreaming. But yesterday was a good time, just like I had hoped. So thanks Ozzie. I saw my first rated R movie without any parents, and playing Catchphrase was a nice end to the day.

I knew Rabah was right when she said this year would be all about the little things. I just didn't know how right. I mean, true, it's only been a month, but still. The big stuff I was looking forward to so far have been sort of a let down, and all the memorable stuff have been little in actuality. So I guess I'm stuck here, waiting for another little thing to mark down in my life's timeline and make a little blip in my otherwise boring life. If someone finds the secret to living life happily, let me know. Because at dinner last night, I realized that I'm kind of a negative person. My first thoughts to 8th and 9th grade were all negative. And I know that while they sucked and I laugh about it now, there must have been some happy moments there. Right? It'd be too sad if all I remembered from my high school days were about how unhappy they were. Is it too late to start sugar coating memories?

Time Stands Still

I wish that time would just stand still for a while so that I could enjoy some of the little beautiful moments in life. Like looking up at the sky through the green leaves at lunch. I could just lie there forever and think about things. It's quite peaceful, really.
I sat there thinking. Life's too short to just settle. From now on, I'm going to try to not do things halfheartedly. All or nothing. Which means, unfortunately, that I'll have to show a little more spine. I'll have to work on that. Someone beat me up if I don't speak my mind once in a while. But that's another thing. Usually I like to believe that everything happens for a reason. So after doing some quick thinking, I think that Friday and my indecisiveness has shown me that a) I do have some spine, but not enough and b) a certain person is not really worth it. Who hooks up that fast? But it's all good.
And I also thought about Homecoming. It was pretty good, but what was up with the music? Man, were some people busting out the moves, as Roro would say. That was awesome. Some things kinda weirded me out though. But I think it was worth it to see everyone looking so pretty!
But ok, I have no pictures of me with anyone! I think Rabah took one of me and her, but that's it. I have no picture with Rohini, or Yang, or Anandi, or Abhi or Alicia or Triveni. How am I supposed to remember Homecoming with no pictures of me and my friends?
I wish time would just stand still for a while. I feel like life's a blur, and I can't keep a handle on it. I want to remember all the little moments with my friends before they go away. Time Stands Still...Good song too.

Train Wreck

I think I have serious communication issues. I laughed about it a lot yesterday, but it also really sucked. I think my problem is that I don't really pay attention to conversations. Sigh. I can be so stupid sometimes. Yesterday morning, I was my usual, cautious (ie boring) self. By lunch, I was quite proud of myself, and I was going a bit faster. By the end of the day, even faster, and by the time I was at Chipotle, I think I crashed. Not good.

Today's homecoming, and I've got a lot of mixed feelings. For starters, I'm starting to feel sick again, and I've had a stomachache for 24 hours now. And I'm really, really nervous. But, I'm excited to see how wonderful everyone's gonna look. I wish everyone was going though. It would've made things a lot more fun. But what can you do. And I think a wish like that would probably backfire anyways, knowing my luck.

Err, sorry about my last couple of posts. I didn't mean to make people worry. This is just how I clear things out of my head. Good news, I was just being a moody idiot, as usual, but it's all squared away. :) I did discover that it's quite nice to sit around and watch movies while you're supposed to be doing your homework, which I did this weekend, and also yesterday since I had 4th off. What a good way to clear your head.

Bad news: I think I caught a bad cold. My nose will not stop running and I feel bad. And that calc test sucked. I haven't even started the back page yet. I blame my nose. I couldn't concentrate. :( And that fire drill in the midst of the freezing cold weather didn't really help at all.

But in between all my sniffling, I decided that Homecoming, though it may suck, is (grudgingly) worth spending the 15 dollars for. Because we're all going this time. And, as Roro reminded me last night, I did have fun last year. I had forgotten that. And, even cooler, I might add, I can go out to dinner with you guys! My mom totally gave me the evil eye when I said I would have to carpool, meaning I would have to catch a ride with another teenager (gasp, oh how awful!), but she's agreed. I'm excited now.
So while drinking hot chocolate (the best drink ever for cold days), I have decided that this better be a good homecoming to make up for the fact that this week has too many tests, and the fact that I've got a cold. Though TOK last night was pretty fun, except for those few people who just kept Talking. It's fun to smoke marijuana. Lol, I can't believe that was in the song. And all that stuff about Disney. Seriously, how did you guys know about all that stuff? Since when did IB students watch Disney movies that closely? ;)

I feel like I'm six inches tall. I can't think, there's no more room in my head. Just please don't lie to me anymore, k? I'm sick of blaming myself.

Some Days

Some days it's the little things that make a day great, happy and just perfect in your mind. Other days, it's the little things that just make the day awful and sad. Today's one of those other days.
Sometimes, I wish I could live in a cave. It'd make life easier. But then I'd miss English, today's highlight. Himanshu and Yang along with Mr. Ady's weird acting and PA's made me crack up.
And I tire of being the afterthought

Grimm Heart Attack

Last night I had such an Awesome time at the movies! We were out having fun with the idea of a long weekend, and the fact that Anandi and Rohini got their liscences! So Teesa, Rabah, Anandi, Abhi, Roro and I all went to Brothers Grimm. I wish we saw you earlier though, Rabs. I love Friday night movies. It makes me feel like an everyday teenager out having fun, not a typical IB nerd who stays in and does homework all night long.
Omigosh, that movie was so good that I didn't feel guilty about the baseball game my family was supposed to go to. Ok, well I didn't really think so until I got over my heart attack. I should've known the movie would be scary, considering that it's Brothers Grimm, the people who made gruesome fairy tales. I kept screaming in the movie theater. But it was funny and I loved it. Everyone should go see it. If you ask me though, that movie should be rated R. It was gruesome and unnecessarily violent. And it was enough to make that girl cry. However, I have to admit. I think IB English has scarred me for life. During the times where I was thinking and not in shock or fear, I kept thinking about the tone and symbols and meanings of some of the actions, and other lit junk. Yuk.
Heath Leger and Matt Damon were awesome. And that guy in the previews was cute, but I have two things to say: 1) What kind of a name is Woodsworth? and 2) Teesa, how did you even know his name was Woodsworth?

I can't believe we've only been in school for two weeks. It seems like so long, and graduation is so far away. Although I want to get out of here, I'm enjoying it quite nicely. Except for band, and the usual homework of course. I don't think I've been so happy since I don't know when. Hanging out with all you guys at lunch, especially Green days, is awesome. I'm going to bring my camera Wednesday to take a picture of all the IB Seniors there. It'd make a cool picture. I feel as though I've gotten closer to and gotten to know people better, and I'm so relaxed and happy now. I have no idea why, maybe all you guys are finally rubbing off on me and your laughter and happiness is infectious. I can't wait for Homecoming.

Laughter is Good for the Soul

I should most definitely be finishing my extended essay, but I'd rather ramble first. Yesterday was such an awesome English class, and I'm not just talking about the fact that we didn't have an in class essay. I was in Such a bad mood yesterday. I'm talking about being bitter and angry and frustrated, the works. But come fourth period, Mr. Ady and his dramatic explanations of the lit terms and all the laughter, I just couldn't help laughing and smiling too. It was infectious, really. I can't believe English, of all classes, can do that to me. After all, I've pretty much hated that class since 8th grade, but I'm actually excited. I think I'm gonna finally learn a lot. At least now I know the difference between a bunch of terms, finally sort of understand what a paradox is, and will hopefully take a lot less time to fully understand things than understanding leitmotifs last year, which took me 3/4 the year. Laughter is definitely the best way to cure bad moods. So is cranking up the loud music that outlines exactly how you feel and jumping around, which I also admittedly did in between doing Bio homework last night.

Today was an interesting day too, in terms of luck. To get my name drawn out of the basket during class meeting was undoubtedly pretty lucky. So I think I used my luck up on that, because right after that, come band class, I was absolutely unlucky. I seriously have not played that badly since I don't know when, probably middle school. You can ask Steven. I couldn't get notes out, I couldn't read. And tuning was a nightmare. I started out pretty much in tune, but then people were staring at me, so, the stupid self-conscious person that I am, thought I was out of tune, so I adjusted my flute. And then, of course, I was way out of tune. So I panicked, and wildly twisted my flute, getting more and more out of tune, before I finally got it to 'passable'. But it was the best before I touched the stupid thing. Ugh. You can ask Alicia if you don't believe me. It really was that bad. From now on, I am absolutely going to close my eyes while tuning so that I can't see people looking at me, because then I'll think something's wrong again.

Oh, and I saw Thomas again. Beats me what he's still doing here. It was pretty odd. Nice, but odd.

New Beginnings

So after our first day(s) of school, I've been thinking a lot. It's kind of weird to think that we're seniors, that next year we'll all be split up. Rabah, Rohini, and I kept talking about all the stuff we're going to do next year (such as volunteering at the Aids walk) but we realized there really isn't time. It's exciting and puzzling at the same time.
After two days, it feels like I've been at school forever, but strangely enough, although I, as usual, am all panicked and stressed, I'm not overwhelmed. Our teachers are all pretty cool, and the only ones I pretty much dislike are Rubenstein (only because she can't teach very well, not because she's not nice) and Mr. Krusniak. Or rather band class in general. That class gives me more panic than pleasure, if you ask me, but I've worked too hard to quit there. I feel as though senior year is the perfect time for new beginnings, new friendships, feelings, ideas, a whole new me. I am trying my best not to freak out about English class with all the smart people, am trying not to stress so much (I think I've lowered that a little) and will try to have more confidence. That's right, no more fear, no more walking around in someone else's shadow.
I've got a new haircut, new teachers, new debate partner, new everything except friends. And I'm going to make the most of it.

Erg

Ok, so I've decided that I really want to learn a bit more Cantonese, but it's not been a pleasurable experience. I have a HORRIBLE accent, unfortunately, and in Chinese, accents matter. A lot, it turns out. Like if your voice goes up at the end, it's one word, and if it goes down, it's a completely different word, such as the difference between eat and color. I was trying to say the word teacher, but because my voice didn't go up at the end like it was supposed to, apparently I said something really err... bad. Oops. How frustrating! Perhaps I should learn Mandarin instead? When I was little, I could speak Mandarin pretty well. I had no idea what I was saying, but it was pretty good. I won some awards for it. I should get Yang to come over and interpret for me.

And speaking of frustrating but pretty cool, I watched I Heart Huckabees. Of course, being me, I got a bit lost and stuff, but it wasn't bad. Lots of swearing, though. Kinda like listening to Josh. (JK). Totally got lost at the end, but I got the beginning, so it's a start. Mark Wahlberg was so funny. I wish I could be an actress...

On a major side note, however, I started playing Final Fantasy. I started it 5 years ago so all the characters have weird names, like Dude for a female white mage (I don't think I knew it was a girl) and Ozzz. I know. They're nutsy. But it's pretty fun, for being an ancient Nintendo game. I can't get dizzy! But it's taking forever! I still have 3 more orb things to light. :( It's gonna be a project for next summer, I think.

Oh yeah, btw, I got a cell phone. It's a typical Asian number, if you ask me. 303-725-8885. See? I told you. Lots of 8s and no 4s. I didn't even ask for it that way.

Back to the Beginning

Today was just one of those days where it's kinda gloomy outside, but I love it. I had a lot of time to sit and think about everything. I don't know, it was a bit depressing. Summer's a week away from being over, and looking back, in some ways it seriously sucked, yet in some ways I was at peace for probably the first time I can remember in a while. Everything this summer's a rush. Rush of time, rush of emotions, rush of thoughts. Feeling confused, worried, betrayed, and angry are somewhere at the top, along with feeling upset with myself and feeling guilty. I know I hurt people these two months, and people have hurt me. I would say one of those heartfelt 'I'm sorry's' but I don't know how and for what. Sometimes, I wish I could just start over, back at the beginning and start fresh. Today I asked myself what I've done with my life, what I've accomplished. And the answer is not much, really.
I hate feeling this way. I mean, I don't feel upset with life really, just angry at myself. I've been left out and invisible for so long, I don't know how to come out anymore.

Those good old summer days
I crave them
Like home cooked meals

I hunger for summer
The hot weather
The crisp nights,
Staying up late

I love that boredom
That lazy freedom
And although there is that persistent buzz
Of essays left unwritten, books left unread
Like an annoying fly,
It is easily ignored

I thirst for cool water,
A good read by the pool
Sipping refreshing lemonade with a smile

I desire running through sprinklers,
Long night walks
With laughter and joy among friends

I just want to sit there and relax,
To bask in the sunlight,
In the good old summer days

Accents

So after yesterday when people were making fun of me and my 'Canadian accent' and because I play the flute and am "never in tune", I came home and realized two things. One, that after Andrew kept saying 'eh' I began saying it too after practically every question sentence. I totally blame Andrew for this. And two, that my sister actually says 'tags' kinda like it's pronounced taegs. Kind of like how Emily says it, but more subtle. So I don't know, maybe she's got an accent, a "Canadian accent." Which means, maybe I've got one too? To which all I can say is, darn. Who would've thought. But I still deny that I do.

Team Spirit

K, well, I'm not gonna repeat everything that happened yesterday, as I'm sure everyone else would have posted the same thing. But let me tell you, if you weren't at the Dragon Boat Festival yesterday, you missed out on all the fun.

I am soo shocked and surprised and happy at how well we all did! After seeing us on Sunday, who would've thought that we'd only all practiced together on Saturday and that it was our first time out on water. Man, I watched the videotape of our 3 races, and we were good. Yang was beating the crap out of that drum, and we were loud. I hope we were intimidating.

But besides being embarassed since all these grownups tried to talk to me in Mandarin and I, of course, a) only speak Cantonese and b) know only about 15 words in Cantonese, had absolutely no idea what anyone was saying. However, I met some neat Chinese people on the team.

And today, I saw school people I haven't seen since school ended. Fun fun. But seeing them under today's circumstances: not fun, not fun at all. Let me be the first to say that this Extended Essay workshop was not what I imagined. I think there's a difference in being pressured to get the whole darn thing done (what I imagined) and being submitted to panic attacks to get the whole darn thing done in 2 and a half days, especially considering a bunch of people just got topic changes, myself included. All my research is useless, and I need a thesis and some writing by tomorrow. Is it just me, or did practically everyone who had Mr. Weissman get completely new topics? And I thought stress was only for school...Haha

Wishful Thinking

I was thinking late last night, and I realized how little I have done with my life so far. So as I was drifting off to sleep, I made up a wish list of the things I want to do.

1. Go back to Calgary and see how everything has changed in the last eight years. I also want to see my old house. I heard the owners painted the door bright blue.
2. Stop thinking and worrying so much and do something spontaneously.
3. Yell at someone for pissing me off.
4. Be more confident with my flute playing. And be consistent. That way, I will play better when it actually counts. And then I will gain more confidence and consistency, and then things will go in a lovely circle.
5. Go wild in New York City.
6. Watch a horror movie. Preferably at the theater. I mean, I've already seen the Ring and I Know What You Did Last Summer. The Ring wasn't as bad as I thought.

Musicality

Lately, I'd forgotten about music. I simply lost my passion for it when summer started. Burned out, completely lost interest. In light of the events of the summer, I just gave up and never really practiced. I used to have a lot of ambition for my playing. I guess I felt dead and angry about it all. Now, I'm glad to say, I got it all back. I realized how important music really is. Its beauty calms you and relaxes you, or can excite you. Music stirs up emotions that you could never put down on paper.

Here's another poem I wrote on music. I wrote it a couple of months ago for that one English project on new crit.

A Note of Expression

I have never been
A talkative person
Never been able to talk through things
But music is my words

Calming, soothing, slow
Like the faint rustling of water
In a brook,
Its zigzag form
Telling me to slow down, stop
For at least a count

The solemn notes
Of sorrow
Slow moving melodies
Delicate tear drops on sheets

Relieving the upheaval of stress
Giving needed peace

Music
Is my expression

The Joys of Cantonese

Well, after rowing practice yesterday, I'm all sore again. I can hardly move. But after reading Harry Potter and listening to some nice music, I feel much better. Yang lent me the Les Choristes soundtrack, and that is beautiful music. But I think my capacity for understanding French has withered, because I only know understand the titles of the songs and a few words here and there. I also learned some Cantonese yesterday from my dad while we were TV shopping (TV busted. All we see now is a thin colorful line on a black screen). I can now recite my colors and can say some simple sentences. I'm proud of retaining at least some of it. Sadly, most of them revolve around food. And I sound like a kindergardener, saying stuff like 'I drink orange juice' with a horrible accent. And all the words sound the same to me, so I ended up saying once that I drink apple porridge. Whoops. Oh the joys of the Chinese language.

Creativity

I feel creative today, so I thought I'd post some stuff that I've been working on. I wrote a poem and I painted some, and I'm going to make another string of origami cranes to stick on my ceiling.

The Turtle

Slowly, creeping
Cautiously peering
Sticking its thin neck out
Of its high domed shell
Worriedly
Scared
Looking for acceptance
Pleading to no longer be an outsider
Praying to be welcomed back into the fold
Afraid that its' been too quiet
For too long

Is it too late?
Did it take too long to finally
Finally, slowly, get out of that shell?
To open up to the world?

No longer invisible, but still timid
No longer afraid to speak but still hesitant
Of what's in that heavily burdened head
Outgrown its shell
Tired of being slow
Of being left behind
It silently begs
Please hear me out

I wrote this at like one in the morning, but it felt appropriate for how I've been feeling lately.

This is the colorful blob I made a couple of days ago. It's not good of course, not like anything Yang's posted. But I thought I'd post it anyways, since I'm in a good mood. Tell me what u think. And you can be honest, I don't care if you tell me that's the worst thing you've ever seen in your life.

O Happy Day

Today I'm just happy! I haven't felt this way in a long time, actually. Probably not since the middle of June. I've been all melancholy and stuff. But it's a beautiful day, and I'm sipping a milkshake. (It's good, I wish you could all try it). I'm excited for life, and I've never had so much energy! Not to mention I got good AP/IB scores (except French, but that's ok) in spite of all my worrying. And I Finally got this huge weight off my chest. I got some courage, like Bryce in Flipped! Yay! Well, not really since I was never that stupid and didn't go as far as he did to fix things, but still. I said what I needed to. And I really do feel a lot better about things. So thanks to a certain friend for listen to me bumble out some anger and frustration yesterday on the phone. Let's just hope this good feeling lasts...

Dancing...Just What the Doctor Ordered

Although I still feel some pain in my back from rowing, it is considerably less than yesterday. I think the dancing helped. At least, it certainly helped me forget about it. So kudos to Yang and Anandi for setting this whole thing up. It was a blast! Took me a while to start dancing, but I started up in the end. It always takes me time to do these things; I think I'm too self-conscious. But once I get some caffeine in my system, that all goes away. Good food, good dancing, awesome company (even though quite a few never hit the dance floor), catching up with people, and running through the sprinklers was just what the doctor ordered to alleviate that rowing pain. Who would've thought rowing through grass would be that painful? But at least I'm not the only one with aches. I thought I'd be the only one, and if I brought it up, you guys would just chastise me for being a weakling.

Btw, Triveni, if you want to complain about your parents making you leave early, you can always talk to me, as I know exactly what you're feeling. My dad was trying to make me come home early just so he could sleep, and was trying to make me feel guilty, but he didn't sleep until 12:30, meaning I could've stayed for the whole party. How's that for ridiculous?

The View From My Window

Sometimes, I guess you just need to look at life from a different angle. After being so frustrated with myself, I took a good look out my window. And I saw how peaceful it was here. We trimmed the poor tree that used to overwhelm and completely shadow my window so now I can look down and actually see below. It's a nice view, and I can still see the tree and the birds and stuff. I think it gave me a new perspective. To COOL it. (There you go, Josh. Happy?) I feel all happy again. And reading Flipped helped, even though I should be reading 100 Years. You guys are right, it is good. I'm about half way done. I wish I had the courage of Bryce when he finally talked to Juli about the eggs. Then I could tell a certain someone all my feelings... actually, then I could pretty much tell everyone how I really feel. I'm not exactly the most open person, am I? But I've decided to change that. Starting tomorrow. Or Monday. Weekdays are always better to start new things.

Anyways, I decided to follow in Yang's footsteps, and paint. Only I'm not much of an artist. It just ended up as a big ugly colorful blob. :( I'd post it here and get your opinions, but I'd embarrass myself. So for now, I'll just have to sit and admire Yang's wonderful art, and be jealous.

Hope everyone's enjoying themselves. Once everyone gets back (whenever that is, I can't remember) I figure we should all hang out at my house, since I never invite you guys anywhere. Oops! With any luck, I'll see some of you tomorrow, armed with broomsticks. If any little kids see us, they're going to think we're a group of witches, learning (and failing) how to fly.

Disconnected

I just feel lost today. Like I'm floating around the earth, not connected to anything. And in truth, I guess I'm not. I have no religion, I can't connect to my heritage, I can't even speak Chinese! I guess I don't really know who I am right now. I feel forgotten, lost, ignored. I feel like I have no past. I know nothing about my relatives, and no one over there bothers to tell us anything. I feel so disconnected from the world, like I'm just an invisible observer or something. I don't understand anything, either. Why do such awful things have to happen, like London? What is up with me and the world? I guess we will never know.

Ta Da!

Here's a little something I made last week. I think some of you have seen it already. It's not as artistic as anything Yang or Rabah could make, but oh well. What do you think?

My Many Maladies

Well, I think I've added another sickness/injury to my list of my maladies that I either have, am rumored to have, or will have. I think I'm going to get arthritis in my right hand, due to the extensive pressure I've put my poor hand under from playing my stupid flute. After playing these new exercises, my hand feels like it's on fire. And after reading the dumb book with the exercises in it, it's all like, pressure is good, and pain is to be expected. But I feel like my wrist is going to fall off!!! Is this normal?
So, arthritis is now added to my small but growing list including: diabetes (will have), anorexia (rumor, of course),anemia (might will have),plus a lot of bloody noses and such. What fun. I know, I'm becoming a bit of a hypochondriac.

Among other things, life is still the same state of boredom. I've decided to exercise now, to keep healthy and such, but it's not working so well. I'm not exactly running every day, or even every other day, just whenever I feel like it. And I'm so, so out of shape. I tried to run a mile, but it took a grand total of 12 minutes. Not good, not good at all. :( I think back to the days when this probably could have taken like 4 minutes less. Last year, even. Sigh. That part of today sucked. Did get my IB scores tho, and that helped improve today. Did fairly well, can't complain. Hope everyone else did spectacularly.

Plummet

Well, today was interesting. At least so far, anyways. I had a bad bloody nose this morning for like an hour. I think I lost a lot of blood. That sucked. Add that to the drama of the summer, such as our immense workload, my dad who is mad that I'm 'not motivated like I used to be,' getting our stupid AP/IB scores and such, I am one frazzled person. I do not want to see how well/awful I did! Not just that, but I know whatever I get, my parents aren't really going to care. If I do bad, they'll be mad, and if I do well, they'll just ignore it! I wonder if that's a good thing... And I thought stress and worry was only for the school year! Not that I could ever stop worrying. I think it's simply in my nature.


Happy Canada Day!!!